Posts by Kane

Linus Torvalds labels Super Bowl 'violent version of egg-and-spoon race'

Re: Never understood some names

"Why is a game consisting of getting sunburned standing around named after a nocturnal insect ?"

Racial memory, although the spelling has become corrupted over time.

My bad! So you're saying that redacting an on-screen PDF with Tipp-Ex won't work?

'Mind you, I didn't do my cause any favours with neighbouring Diana fans by marking the two-minutes' silence during her funeral by opening all my windows, turning the volume on my hi-fi to maximum and playing "Smack My Bitch Up".'

Absolute bloody savage.

Love it.

RIP Keith Flint

Google’s Pixel phones to measure heart rate and breathing, other ‘droids coming soon

Re: AI is wonderful

"With a little bit of Google AI magic we can presume that it will automatically add a Calendar entry into your GMail account reminding you when you are likely to die be renewed."

There, FTFY

Vote machine biz Smartmatic sues Fox News and Trump chums for $2.7bn over bogus claims of rigged 2020 election

"That would be if Trump were held personally liable as well with subsequent bankruptcy."

No, those would be tears of rapture

UK Test and Trace chief Dido Harding tries to convince MPs that £14m for canned mobile app was money well spent

Re: Twat

"Does El Reg still do the Post of the week?

This is that."

I will upvote your post in support of this comment, but I am clearly biased, much like The Twat's Dido Harding's relationship with the Cheltenham Festival and Test & Trace

Twat

Twat

Twat

Re: And by the way

"However, the App was 'organised' by NHSX, a bigger shower of muppets I am yet to meet."

GDS has entered the chat...

Missing GOV.UK web link potentially cost taxpayers £50m as civil servants are forced to shuffle paper forms

Re: I'm still mystified

"I wish people would stop insulting Muppets like this... ;)"

Fraggles

Momentum builds behind campaign to fire Nominet CEO, board – though success still far from certain

"Just rename Haworth to Reacher Gilt and be done with it. The only thing missing is him conning his own board members."

12-and-a-half percent! 12-and-a-half percent!!

SQUAWK!!! SQUAWK!!!! SQUAWK!!!!!

Robinhood plays Sheriff of Nottingham as it pauses GameStop, AMC, BlackBerry etc stock sales, gets sued

Re: Nope

"many people are buying those stocks just make those pigs squeal, with the full intention of just burning this money for the resulting shadenfreude"

It's not about the money. It's about sending a message

We regret to inform you the professor teaching your online course is already dead

Re: Authors

"One wonders if holographic professors are coming after universities reopen?"

Why not, already done it with Richard Burton!

ULLA

Cisco intros desktop switches, one with USB-C to power your laptop

Any freebies included?

Like, say, an NSA/CIA mandated backdoor?

GitLab removes its 'starter' tier: Users must either pay 5x more or lose features

Re: Netflix

"The only reason I've maintained my Netflix subscription is that my SO watches"

So, tell your SO to pay for their own subscription? Problem solved?

Showering malware-laced laptops on UK schools is the wrong way to teach them about cybersecurity

Re: Nothing happens by chance in a plandemic

"I expect that at the event 201 planning sessions they realised a need for deniable covert monitoring of targeted households. Pre-installed “Russian” spyware (yet again) kind of gives the game away, they probably paid extra for it.

After the free speech ban, neighbour snitching, mobile tracking and unwarranted travel restrictions have been normalised, expect strict enforcement of “new normal” globalist eco-fascist agenda 21 / 30. Carbon taxes, meat rationing, permits for everything, social credit scores, re-education centres."

See, here's the thing.

You may be right.

But, by posting as an Anonymous Coward, you've lost all opportunity to point the finger at everyone here and shout "SEE? TOLD YOU SO!!!", when it does happen.

You should stand by your comments.

"Betcha that every single one of those off-the-shelf, low-spec, consumer grade laptops - that would retails at maybe £249 - will have been billed at about the price of a top-end Lenovo X-series laptop without the slightest hint of irony."

If Computacentre are running the purchasing process, I fully expect them to charge rent to the DfE, for the easily repayable sum of the price of a top-end Lenovo X-series laptop.

Monthly. (Irony charged separately).

Re: Damned if they do, damned if they don't

"Damned if they do, damned if they don't

Pearl clutching voice: the kids can't access lessons online

Government rushes out laptops to help

This is the result..."

Utter Bollocks.

It's not like we haven't been in this situation for, oh, I don't know, the past ten fucking months for them to be able to pull their finger out and do this thing correctly, is it? They should have had this on the go from the first lockdown, you know, when all the schools shut for the remainder of the year up to the summer holidays, or even during the summer holidays to allow the correct procedures to be followed, like the article lined out. Or even when they made the decision to keep the schools closed post Christmas...

Oh no, wait, they didn't do that, did they. They waited until the school year was about to restart, then made the decision to close the schools down on the first day of term.

The point being, it shouldn't have been a rush job in the first place.

Absolute shower, the lot of them.

And stop apologising for them ("Damned if they do, damned if they don't"). The DfE don't need your help in that regard, they need to pull their fucking fingers out and do the job that's in front of them.

Cunts.

BOFH: Are you a druid? Legally, you have to tell me if you're a druid

Re: Am I a Druid?

Buggrit'

Millenium hand and shrimp, I tol em', I did

Re: Am I a Druid?

For the price he's asking I'll stand under a shower with a chamois cloth on my head thinking about what to make for dinner.

Reg reader's XXXbox oddity: The BBC4 topless thumbnail trauma whodunnit

Re: What a rotten swizz!

"...and another painting crappy pictures of trees."

I hope you're not maligning the favoured dulcet tones of the great Bob Ross?

Scottish enviro bods shrug off ransomware gang's extortion attempt as 4,000 files dumped online, saying it's nothing big

Re: Bile yer heid

"Disclaimer: Actual history may no be as guid."

Willy Dick.

Love it.

Legacy IT kit is behind 80% of UK taxman's pandemic costs, says spending watchdog

Re: Well if the UK didn't have archaic tax codes written by KPMG, PWC, and, Co.

"I hate acronyms with a passion. An article about the UK tax system covering 60 million people, and we're supposed to just know you mean Raspberry PI 4."

You...you do know where you are, right?

Laptops given to British schools came preloaded with remote-access worm

Wooooosh...

Scottish Environment Protection Agency refuses to pay ransomware crooks over 1.2GB of stolen data

Re: How much ?

"For example, after a computer security failure cost the company £60 million and 100,000 customers, I imagine the subject gets somewhat more attention at TalkTalk than it did in Dido's day."

In the normal course of things, I would agree, but this is a government agency we're talking about here,

Re: How much ?

"I'm not sure this works, since the mark will probably improve their security and backup processes."

I wish I still had that sense of innocence.

150,000 lost UK police records looking more like 400,000 as Home Office continues to blame 'human error'

Re: 400,00 up from 150,000

"If government IT overruns are anything to go by, you can probably whack another 0 on the end of that."

Unfortunately that would mean exceeding the Excel row limit.

Back to the office with you: 'Perhaps 5 days is too much family time' – Workday CEO

"oral emissions"

hur hur!

Vatican absolved of one financial sin after revelation of data discrepancies

Re: Unproven Sin and undeclared Finances

"I would wager the Vatican makes the finances of the Mafia look like pocket money."

I would wager that one of those things is a subset of the other of those things.

The CIA's 'entire' collection of UFO records has been made available for you to sigh at

Re: A matter of interpretation

"I guess you need to know how many can dance on the head of a pin before you can determine the associated dimensions."

16, if it's an ordinary house pin.

UK network Three hikes pay-as-you-go rates by 400% to push punters to buy 'bundles'

Re: Time for a complaint to Ofcom

"Sheets of sticky labels....?"

Gaffa tape, and you know it.

NHS COVID-19 app is trying to tell Android users something but buggy notification appears stuck on 'Loading...' screen

Re: Dildo Harding

Twat!

I was doing so well...

That's it. It's over. It's really over. From today, Adobe Flash Player no longer works. We're free. We can just leave

Re: "hoping no one ever creates software as insecure as that ever again"

"AAAH-AARGH!"

King of the Impossible!

TikTok to be hit by a UK class-action-style lawsuit backed by the Children's Commissioner

Why...

...does a 12 year old have access to a device that can record video and audio and upload it to the internet-at-large without the requisite securities in place?

Where exactly does the parental responsibility lie in all of this?

After 11 years, Australia declares its national broadband network is ‘built and fully operational’

"So something that's not true can be true ? Politicians apparently live with a different set of logic rules than the rest of humanity."

Three and a bit.

Elon Musk says he tried to sell Tesla to Apple, which didn’t bite and wouldn't even meet

Not to mention "you're driving it wrong"

Rounded Corners!

Trump administration says Russia behind SolarWinds hack. Trump himself begs to differ

Re: Duck Turd

For some reason, my head went here.

I'm sure there's some scope for a rewrite...

Cats: Not a fan favourite when the critters are draped around an office packed with tech

Re: Heat detector

"Once they teach them to use a tin opener our days are numbered"

Dogs are not like cats, who amusingly tolerate humans only until someone comes up with a tin opener that can be operated with a paw. Men made dogs, they took wolves and gave them human things--unnecessary intelligence, names, a desire to belong, and a twitching inferiority complex. All dogs dream wolf dreams, and know they're dreaming of biting their Maker. Every dog knows, deep in his heart, that he is a Bad Dog...

- Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

GNU

Re: Heat detector

"And mine seems to like to remind me to take regular breaks by coming in and sitting on my keyboard."

Two of my three use this tactic to remind me when it's time for their midday meal (a.k.a. 3pm).

Mines the one with the bag of Dreamies in the pocket. (Literally the crack of kitty treats).

Atlantic City auctions off chance to hit Big Red Button and make grotesque Trump Plaza casino go boom

Re: Personal anecdote

"If you can't turn a profit in a casino then either you're a crook and/or incompetent."

Nah, even when crooks run casinos, they make money. They're not as daft.

US nuke agency hacked by suspected Russian SolarWinds spies, Microsoft also installed backdoor

"All your base"

Been there, done that!

Dutch officials say Donald Trump really did protect his Twitter account with MAGA2020! password

"Luggage doesn't need any combination. It will only open for it's true master. ( and eat the rest )"

**SNAP**

Raven geniuses: Four-month-old corvids have similar cognitive abilities to great apes at same age, study finds

Re: tasks testing addition and understanding of relative numbers?

"That's what they want you to think."

Consider Orangutans.

In all the worlds graced by their presence, it is suspected that they can talk but choose not do so in case humans put them to work, possibly in the television industry. In fact they can talk. It’s just that they talk in Orangutan. Humans are only capable of listening in Bewilderment.

― Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

GNU

Re: tasks testing addition and understanding of relative numbers?

"Dogs and Cats seem to be persevering with tolerating us though."

There, FTFY.

Asus ROG Phone 3: An ugly but refreshing choice – for gaming fans only

Re: WTF has happened to El Reg?

"The Department of Redundancy Department"

Well played.

Also, Unsubbed etc

US Treasury, Dept of Commerce hacks linked to SolarWinds IT monitoring software supply-chain attack

Time for a classic...

...For Great Justice!

Japan pours millions into AI-powered dating to get its people making babies again

Re: Sexless

"Also doesn't help that the Japanese have pixels instead of genitals"

One of the greatest derailments in forum thread history!

Bravo!

Next day delivery a bit of a pain? We have just the thing... nestled deep in the terms and conditions

Re: Newfangled

"nah, you should use baconipsum.com"

My life is now complete, thank you!

Apple aptly calls its wireless over-the-ear headphones the AirPods Max – as in, maximum damage to your wallet

Re: How about

"No...."

How About.

Absolutely Fuck No.

There, FTFY.

Also: "generally lasts about a week before I have to charge them on using them at least 4 - 5 hours a day"

Man, I wish I had that much time in a day to listen to music.

A tale of two nations: See China blast off from the Moon as drone shows America's Arecibo telescope falling apart

Re: :(

"That Arecibo footage is just heartbreaking.

So sad..."

Agreed, RIP you absolutely magnificent beast.

Internet Explorer fails to make the cut, banished from Microsoft Teams for good

Re: Slow on the uptake, Redmond?

"20 years ago, the alternative was Netscape, which was even worse."

Peace Netscape was never an option.

UK coronavirus tier postcode-searching tool yanked offline as desperate Britons hunt for latest lockdown details

Re: Cloud all the way

"Unfortunately they are waiting for Microsoft to address scalability issues with the database tier as ODBC to Excel scales horribly when the minions are making updates..."

Excel? You jest, you know full well it was uploaded as a Word document.