* Posts by Kane

1826 publicly visible posts • joined 17 May 2007

AI to fix UK Civil Service's bureaucratic bungling, deputy PM bets

Kane
Joke

Re: They never learn...

"just the usual shuffling of money from one column of the spreadsheet to another"

Hey, we've got an LLM that can do that for us!

Lapsus$ teen sentenced to indefinite detention in hospital for Nvidia, GTA cyberattacks

Kane
Joke

"I want to hear if he hacks NORAD using a piece of wire, a gold tooth and a medium."

Three small sticks and 4cc of mouse blood.

Missing tomatoes ketchup with ISS crew after almost a year lost in space

Kane
Joke

Re: they were discarded

That's because I blew it out of the goddamn airlock!

NASA engineers scratch heads as Voyager 1 starts spouting cosmic gibberish

Kane
Pint

Re: Have they tried

"We'll let nobby kick it in the fork."

.

.

.

"Corporal Nobbs," he rasped, "why are you kicking people when they’re down?"

"Safest way, sir," said Nobby.

- Terry Pratchett, Guards, Guards!

GNU

You don't get what you don't pay for, but nobody is paid enough to be abused

Kane
Boffin

in recent weeks we've had readers suggest the word is a spelling error

Really?

Really?

UK government woefully unprepared for 'catastrophic' ransomware attack

Kane
Joke

"...setting up a central reporting mechanism for ransomware..."

Which would promptly be attacked with ransomware.

Or have every worksheet accidentally deleted by the Cabinet Office work placement lackey.

Pick your poison.

BOFH: Just because we've had record revenues doesn't mean you get a Xmas bonus

Kane
Joke

You can use that time to think about that bonus situation

Right

It's ba-ack... UK watchdog publishes age verification proposals

Kane
Boffin

"Swearing is the choice of those with a limited vocabulary."

Get Tae Fook!

Government and the latest tech don't mix, says UK civil servant of £11B ESN mess

Kane
Joke

"And where, we ask, are the ministers with the qualifications and capability to do that?"

Well, we got a Minister for AI now, does that help?

Ah! Just noticed you've mentioned qualifications, sorry, can't help you there!

Damn! Also noticed you mentioned capability as well! Looks like we're fubar then!

Japanese tech startups testing cash incentives for office return

Kane
Joke

Re: I feel as if middle management is crapping themselves

"Now, if only they can get everybody back into the office to argue over who has the stapler"

Is it red?

IT sent the intern to sort out the nasty VP who was too important to bother with backups

Kane
Boffin

...you get to be the hero mainly because other people don't know what you know...

"Ninety percent of most magic merely consists of knowing one extra fact."

- Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

GNU

UK won't rush to regulate AI, says first-ever minister for digital brainboxes

Kane
Megaphone

UK won't rush to regulate AI

So, why do we need a Minister for AI?

Robot mistakes man for box of peppers, kills him

Kane
Pint

Re: Sheesh

"Gone 5pm? that's pub oclock!"

It's always pub o'clock somewhere!

UK may demand tech world tell it about upcoming security features

Kane
Big Brother

Re: It would be almost impossible to write up such a law

"Is patching a security hole a "security feature"? Is fixing a bug found in key exchange a "security feature"? Is making it so group chats are end to end encrypted instead of just person to person a "security feature"? Is strengthening or replacing an encryption algorithm a "security feature"?"

Don't you worry your pretty little head about that, my dear, we'll set up a new arms-reach (hah!) non-governmental department in order to determine, on a case-by-case basis which of those are classed as "Security Features". Which will then be swiftly passed on to our in-house "technical experts" in order to "analyse" the feasibility of deployment of said feature, along with some "recommendations" in order to get it moved along.

Or Else.

Kane
Joke

Re: Shirley

"Except in Australia where the law of parliament trumps the laws of Mathematics"

Ahh, does Pi equal 3 there, then?

UK convinces nations to sign Bletchley Declaration in bid for AI safety

Kane
Terminator

Re: Skynet approves

"AC, because when the Terminators DO emerge I really don't want to p!ss them off. Best to play nice."

You will be subject to Roko's Basilisk, and you will like it!

X looks back at year of so-called 'engineering excellence' under Musk

Kane
Joke

Re: Move on already

"Weyland-Yutani"

Building Better Worlds Websites

It is 2023 and Excel's reign of date terror might finally be at an end

Kane
Joke

Re: Google Sheets far better, faster, simpler and honest

"Doesn't everything of theirs steal your data and send it to the mothership to be used against you at a later date in the form of Ads?"

Not like Microsoft, eh? Eh?

Kane
Mushroom

Re: What do you want to do today?

"Reply to All."

RELEASE THE KRAKEN MAILSTORM!

New information physics theory is evidence 'we're living in a simulation,' says author

Kane
Joke

Re: If this is a simulation...

I went Outside once.

The graphics were great, but the storyline sucked.

Never mind SETI and NASA, if your Ring somehow snaps ET, Amazon might give you $1M

Kane
Alien

Re: What do I get for snapping the tooth fairy?

What do you mean you’ve never been to Alpha Centauri? Oh, for heaven’s sake, mankind, it’s only four light years away, you know. I’m sorry, but if you can’t be bothered to take an interest in local affairs, that’s your own lookout. Energize the demolition beams.

Big Brother is coming to a workplace near you, and the privacy regulator wants a word

Kane
Joke

"privacy covers on all the laptop cameras"

Gaffer Tape. It fixes most of the worlds' ills.

Kane
Joke

Re: "or offsite [...]outside work hours.

"I watch a lot of porn with my work supplied service — nobody has complained so far..."

Working for PornHub doesn't count.

UK civil servants – hopefully including those spending billions on tech – to skill up in STEM

Kane
Boffin

Re: How about the ministers go next?

"and as a side benefit were written in a way normal mortals could understand."

But that would mean that any old oik could be a lawyer, or understand their rights. Can't be having that, oh no!

Long-lost 1977 Star Wars X-Wing prop discovered – lock s-foils in bid position

Kane
Trollface

Re: I mostly want

"The flash gordan rocket."

Don't we all?

Arm's lawyers want to check assembly expert's book for trademark missteps

Kane
Facepalm

"And yet you still folded like a wet tissue. What did they do if they didn't say anything? Look mean?"

Just like Arm, you are a suitcase of cockerels.

If you like to play along with the illusion of privacy, smart devices are a dumb idea

Kane
Terminator

Re: Smart Home

"Well, bugger me."

Demon Seed

Guild behind actors' strike fears video game workers also at risk from AI

Kane
Alert

"we got some really ropey stuff that was only used because it was still better than using a black backdrop with holes for starfields"

The Lawnmower Man

Latest Grant Shapps article

Kane

Latest Grant Shapps article

So, why was the comment section of this article closed after two contributions?

Netflix flinging out DVDs like frisbees as night comes for legacy business

Kane
Joke

Re: ...streaming rights are expensive and don't offer much of a return

"so I bought the Collectors edition series on DVD for £3, watched them all, then gave the DVD to a friend to screw Amazon over again XD"

At last, we can retire and give up this life of crime.

Amazon's latest directive: Report to the office 'cos we're watching you

Kane
Joke

Surge in Energy and Collaboration

You keep using those words. I do not think they mean what you think they mean.

On the record: Apple bags patent for iDevice to play LPs

Kane
Joke

Re: Sooo....

"And records have rounded corners, so that's in Apple's wheelhouse."

One big, continuous rounded corner.

Someone just blew over $190k on a 4GB first-gen iPhone

Kane
Facepalm

Absolutely Insane

See title

From cage fight to page fight: Twitter threatens to sue Meta after Threads app launch

Kane
Alien

"Instead of a cage fight, can we please just dig a very deep hole, dump them all in there, fill it nicely again, plant a forest on top and forget about it all?"

...signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters.

Two top execs quit Infosys mere months after its president skipped

Kane
Alert

"Makes you wonder what they know that no-one else does right now.

When you see people like this on the move in such short succession, you know *something* ain't right."

Something something "sinking ships" something something...

You may have heard about AI defeating voice authentication. This research kinda proves it

Kane
Boffin

My Voice is my Password...

...Verify Me

Dialup-era developer writes ChatGPT client for Windows 3.1

Kane
Boffin

Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could...

...they didn’t stop to think if they should.

Inclusive Naming Initiative limps towards release of dangerous digital dictionary

Kane
Flame

Re: And by "solving" a non-problem ...

"Anyone fancy a career as a fireman?"

It was a pleasure to burn.

(icon related >>>)

Kane
Boffin

Re: Nope.

"but in a technology context"

Context is key in language and communication, which I think is what's been forgotten.

Data leak at major law firm sets Australia's government and elites scrambling

Kane
Mushroom

Re: Well that'll do a lot of good

"Everybody will be able to find out, including Australians - just not from Australian news sources."

Release the Kraken VPNs!

Users of 123 Reg caught out by catch-all redirect cut-off

Kane
Devil

improving our products and services

"Whilst we understand this decision will be disappointing aggravating for some most customers, our catch-all email forwarding was not performing profiting to the level our customers shareholders need, or what we expect allow them to buy more boats and send Tiffany on an extra skiing holiday. So, we made the difficult decision to stop offering the service introduce a new paid tier service in order to be able to restore the functionality that you require."

There, fixed that for you!

Thousands of subreddits go dark in mega-protest over Reddit's app-killing API prices

Kane
Joke

Re: Gold mine

"...all my tarnished posts..."

Foul Tarnished!

Florida man insists he didn't violate the law by keeping Top Secret docs

Kane
Joke

Re: What I cannot understand ...

"That part is probably narcissism and a hint of budding senility."

Looks like it's more in bloom than my wife's rose bushes!

Multi-tasking blunder leaves UK tax digitization plans 3 years late, 5 times over budget

Kane
Facepalm

improved processing of VAT...

"...through the scheme led to additional revenue of between £185 million and £195 million in 2019-20."

That's great and everything, but given that total revenue for 2019-20 was £633.3 billion that's kind of like pissing in the Pacific Ocean and declaring "Look, Daddy! I made it all wetter!"

Whistleblower claims Uncle Sam is sitting on hoard of alien vehicles and tech

Kane
Alien

"Personally I'm sure alien craft exist, though I question why they would bother visiting a backwater like Earth..."

“Teasers are usually rich kids with nothing to do. They cruise around looking for planets that haven’t made interstellar contact yet and buzz them.”

“Buzz them?” Arthur began to feel that Ford was enjoying making life difficult for him.

“Yeah,” said Ford, “they buzz them. They find some isolated spot with very few people around, then land right by some poor unsuspecting soul whom no one’s ever going to believe and then strut up and down in front of him wearing silly antennas on their head and making beep beep noises.”

Kane
Alien

"I predict that Mr grusch is about to have terrible difficulty with his lifestyle - dead or discredited in a week or so."

He never could get the hang of Mondays

Meta tells staff to return to office three days a week

Kane
Joke

"identity politics drivers, equity preachers, tech bubble enthusiasts, cheap money advocates and power point fans.

Sounds like a variation on buzzword bingo to me.

We regret to inform you Earth will not be destroyed by an asteroid within 1,000 years

Kane
Joke

"Never believe anything until it has been officially denied..."

Don't Look Up!

Kane
Boffin

Re: What

"someone's gone out and painted all the space rocks with Vantablack."

That reminds me, I should catch-up with the last season of The Expanse.

Kane
Pint

"Three pints barman, and keep the change."

What, from a fiver, sir? Thank you, sir!