Posts by Martin 49

US woman cuffed for 'booking strippers for 16th birthday bash'

never mind all that....

Whose are the norks in the accompanying mini-pic ?

Reptile boffins spot world's smallest chameleon

More piccies

and here are some more pics of it's chameleon abilities in action...

NHS trust to digitise millions of patient records

Doomed i tell ye...

I've been involved with digital X-Rays ( PACS ) for an NHS trust for 5 or 6 years. Yes, they

are now available for all to view at a moments notice, and are a huge improvement over film.

BUT... contrary to all guidelines and policies (and laws) they are emailed, stuck on flash sticks,

smartphones etc etc (with the best of intentions) and are generally treated like non-sensitive

information.

More data (i.e. whole patient records) = more non-malicious abuse, leading to multiple

massive FAILs down the line.

Google attacks Twitter's search bias claim

Oo-er !

"Twitter used to pay Google to insert tweets into their index" Please !! not before the watershed.

Creepy photo-tagging tech slotted into Google+

Sift out the important stuff...

"to let Fred, John and Harry know there is a piss-up on Friday night after work"

Where and what time?

US Senator demands answers from Carrier IQ

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Ha ha ha.....etc......

I haven't got a smartphone.

Not so fast: Italian boffins say neutrinos not faster than light

Very seasonal I thought.

"Oh no they didn't !!!"

Prisoners cannibalise mice for mobile power

Usual smuggling route?

Surely using "the usual smuggling route" is just asking for brown-outs ?

Speak geek: The world of made-up language

Surely not...

"Sarehole Mill, a museum in Birmingham"

Oh *please* tell me thats a typo.

Sacked IT director banged up for revenge hack attack

Old School

Doesn't anyone use "software time-bombs" any more?

Shut up, Spock! How Battlestar Galactica beat Trek babble

No it won't

The bulb can be as springy as you like - it has to produce a lower pressure to work.

You cannot have a lower pressure than "no pressure at all".

So the bulb will spring in and out - it just won't pull any liquid up.

In space, not everything works

This one zaps my brain when I think about it ....

A teat pipette (eye-dropper) will not work in a vacuum.

If you have something that is liquid in a total vacuum you can not use a

teat pipette to suck it up because the 'suck' part (the rubber bulb) relies on

creating lower pressure in the bulb.

But you can't have lower pressure than total vacuum. So it won't work !

How average is your sex life?

What are the slang terms?

You know - like "Spanking the Monkey" & "Choking the Chicken"

How about: "Flippin' the kipper" ?

NHS: Big tech might be OK for patient power

Consultation my ****** ****

As with all government consultations, they already know precisely

what they are going to do and will do it regardless.

I tried to read the documents, but I lost the will to live after about 5 pages of <puke>.

Possibly a cure for insomnia though?

Google slips $3.1bn through 'Double Irish' tax loophole

A bit of both, probably.

Morality aside.....

Tax EVASION is illegal. Tax AVOIDANCE is not.

Most big corporates walk a very fine line between the two.

Someone once dubbed this AVOISION.

HABITABLE ALIEN WORLD discovered 20 light-years away!

A quick trip over there then?

Its only 189214609451616 miles away after all.

Zeus botnets' Achilles' Heel makes infiltration easy

I wonder...

..how long before botnet toolkit 'providers' have their own 'Patch Tuesday'

..or maybe they already have.

Twitter airport bomb joker loses second job

OMG !

".....to sue the fucking police....."

Please tell me they're not policing *that* now too !!

Rackspace claims credit for shushing Koran-burning 'pastor'

A green alternative would be...

... to scan & upload all the Korans to the web.

...then burn the internet.

Two-lane BRIDGE FOUND ON FAR SIDE OF THE MOON!

I want one !

"Small tunnelling robotic mole-cruiser"

Sounds like a really cool thing to have.

DVLA says council snoopers are free to take the WEE

Totally promiscuous.

Not just local authorities - they'll dish your data out to any old Joe who can fudge up a case of

"reasonable cause".

(From the DVLA website:)

Data Protection and the Road Vehicles Regulations

Regulation 27 of the Road Vehicles (Registration and Licensing) Regulations 2002 provides for the release of information from DVLA’s vehicles register to the police and also to local authorities. The regulation allows us to release data to private or public sector organisations providing they can demonstrate ‘reasonable cause’ to have it and the Data Protection Act does not operate to prevent disclosure of the data where this is done consistently with the data protection principles.

HP boffin claims million-dollar maths prize

Ah...The Sanity Clause.

QUOTE < the HP boffin's proof must first pass "a sanity test." >

And as Chico Marx said: "You can't fool me, there ain't no Santa-de-Claus"

Rogue San Fran BOFH given 4 years

Eggs....basket.

...nuff said.

BT strike ballot halted over possible 'technical breaches'

All aboard !

All aboard the latest legal technicality strike-busting bandwagon !

Middle-aged sex: The X-rated photo guide

One for the guys

Ever wondered why she prefers it with the lights off?

Put a mirror on the floor and assume the missionary

(press-up) position with your face over the mirror...

....you handsome dog you...

Survey scammers offer fake Doctor Who clips

Umm.....

Didn't he let the dogs out?

Key Star Trek tri-corder boffinry breakthrough

It has to be said....

"It's LIFE Jim. But not as we know it."

PARIS gets her very own private enclave

Ah..But will it fly?

Oh No !!! - not the hypobaric chamber ! - There'll be mini black holes

and stuff and it will be the end of the world! ...... Oh .. er.. no... hang

on a minute - that's the LHC isn't it?

.....

As you were.

C language inventor spurns Google's language exam

Almost surreal

Such a sublime understatement it's almost surreal:

(referring to C & Unix)

"Both have subsequently become quite popular."

Like saying a nuke makes a bit of a bang.

Cash-strapped trolley dollies in nude calendar protest

Say no more ! nudge, nudge.

The DM article says "taken in cabins, the cockpit and even on the top of a jet turbine"

Say no more !! nudge, nudge.

Tories may scrap IR35 tax rules for contractors

Where is the line?

#1 - One-man band contractor, minimum wage, long term contracts, etc.

#2 - As above, but employs one other contractor doing similar contracts.

#3 - Same again, but with 2 employees.

....

....

#98 - The likes of EDS, Capita etc.

Where does it become OK to avoid tax in this way ?

Funny, isn't it...

...how politicians promise all sorts of good things in the run up to an election.

I may be a tad cynical, but I no longer believe a single sound made by

anyone 'political'.

Google will build 1Gbps fiber networks to the home

"THE" Google

"Has the google never heard of the UK?"

"THE Google" - similar to "THE Borg" ?

I *like* it

Why Bono is wrong about filesharing

Thanks seanj - you made my day!

There I am wading through lengthy posts on the intricacies of file sharing, the law, DRM, etc

when suddenly:

"Bono is a great big floppy donkey dick."

.........The bill for keyboard cleaning is in the mail.

Bogged-down Mars rover may be doomed to chilly death

Simples !

Should have installed a Sri-mech (a la Robot Wars).

A quick kick of the flipper - sorted.

Scottish doc swerves charges for snooping

Sauce for the goose...

I'm sure we're all a bit curious now so why can't we all have a gander?

(Did you see what I did there? ..... Goose.....Gander ? - I'm way too good for this place!)

Celebrity goat declines Britain's Got Talent gig

It Depends....

" The question of what is the maximum acceptable distance for a goat to travel for a "five-minute trick" remains provocatively unanswered. "

It depends entirely on the quality & cleanliness of the destination red-light district lady-goats.

Can anyone explain the chunnel fiasco?

It now transpires....

...that it was all due to the wrong type of snow.

Too fluffy, apparently.

- You couldn't make it up.

EDS mainframe goes titsup, crashes RBS cheque system

I know its already been said but......

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

<breathe>

and....

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Ha !

I LUV IT !!!

HELL-beam project now one step from jet-fighter raygun

Dr. Evil would be disgusted.

Everybody knows the word "L A - S E R" should be in finger quotes.

How to host your very own Windows 7 launch party

Surreal Dept.

What if they threw a Windows Launch Party

....... and nobody came?

Penguophilia Rules OK !!

Microsoft protests $290m Word judgment

Hands up who's surprised ?

Just another splattered bug on the windshield of the M$ juggernaut.

IBM tries to patent teleconference sound effects

A non starter.

Real farts are *way* better.

Buddy, can you spare a PC processing cycle?

All taken care of.

My PC now carries a "PC Processing Cyle Donor Card"

They can have as many as they like when its dead.

Big Blue blows a billion on predictive software seller

Actionable Foresight

Minority Report

Mission control reacquires UK space cheddar

It's Roswell all over again

Radar Station: - "We've tracked a UFO, General. It seems to have crashed near Cressex."

General: - "Roll out a cover story that it's a weather balloon and that it was *meant* to burst."

Radar Station: - "We *can't* do that again! - People got very suspicious when it was tried at

Roswell back in '49. Also, what about the alien body?"

General: - "Hmm.... I know! - Tell them it's a lump of CHEESE !!"

UK space programme suffers serious setback

Poor choice...

They should never have used a Somerset Farmhouse Cheddar.

A Double Gloucester or even a mature Stilton would have been far less likely to go missing.

And which wine did they send up to accompany it ?

AMATEURS ! - I'm at a loss for words.

......Paris, For the Cheese Angle !

Greenpeace unleashes Captain Kirk on HP

Green Shat

Thai Curry maybe?

IT admin sentenced for sabotaging employer's network

Think it through

If you're going to do it, it is likely you are going to get caught eventually somehow.

So surely a mad rampage through the server room wildly swinging a fire-axe would

be far more tangible and satisfying revenge.

Plus it has the added advantage of getting all the legal stuff out of the way early on.

(The smiley has it's tongue-in-cheek, Trust me.)

Microsoft offers EU choice on Windows browsers

OK EU - You got us.

We will give user the option to have any of the top 5 browsers that they want.

..........BUT WE'LL STILL CHARGE THEM THE SAME !!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Ha!