Posts by The Beer Monster

Apple iPhone forums gripped by deleted thread paranoia

I believe....

that the proper spelling of the King's name is Cnut.

Apple's iPhone 4 denial: insulting or ignorant?

Clear nail varnish

Plays havoc with my cuticles...

Oh, on the phone?

Secret ancient code, basis of all modern civilisation, cracked

Flawed logic reveals the truth.

Equis - well, equine means horses, therefore Dos Equis - The doings of a horse.

Dos Equis = Horse piss.

Sounds about right to me.

Physical vs virtual: What's your poison?

magic budget fairy

Oh, I'm nicking that.

Palin boob-probe Reg hack dubbed an Ass Clown

Reminds me...

Of Ass Chief Constable Bill Holland.

South African Bill to block all porn

@Pascal Monett

"You can squeeze as tight as you want"

That's just a delaying tactic...

'Draw Mohammed' page removed from Facebook

Please God/Mohammed/Jehovah/Deity of choice (delete as appropriate)

Save me from the Muslims/Jews/Christians/Enemy of choice (delete as appropriate)

Jimbo Wales exiles 'porn' from Wikiland

@Tony Paulazzo

So-crates in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Mine's the bodacious leather jacket...

Spammers ordered to pay tiny ISP whopping $2.6m

You pay?

Who's "you"?

The prat with the botted box that's sending them all?

The person who's been dumped in the reply-to?

The person who owns the website that's hiding the dodgy links?

Cheshire lass, 8, wins Playmobil vid challenge

Yup

If an 8 year old can do it, El Reg should either surpass her efforts or hire her to do them (or her parents for the NSFW stories).

US gov cries foul on MPAA piracy claims

Disney

Well known for respecting other people's copyrights and trademarks.

http://news.findlaw.com/wsj/docs/disney/hamcdisney30806cmp2.html

Jobcentre ejects Jedi Knight

Discrimination,,,

Try being a biker.

Jesus Phone to exhibit holy gift of bilocation

@Ascylto

I've got a note from my mum excusing me from PE.

Virgin signals start of telegraph pole broadband test

@AC 15:37

Not your age at all.

Could be the fact you're wearing a Buzby...

Microsoft connects Web2.0rhea dots in Outlook... bitch

Oh FFS

The first suit that asks for it here will get this post icon where the sun shineth not.

Woman sues rail line for 'exploding' toilet

Proof indeed

Shit happens.

California school pulls 'oral sex' dictionary

Umm...

That would be "Dictionaries"...

RockYou hack reveals easy-to-crack passwords

@Jamie Jones

I thought it was only me that did that...

Wrists playing up? You're shagging too much

Is...

Three backs ok?

FCC evicts wireless mics from future 4G band

It's not just the big companies

As a semi-pro musician, I (and the rest of my band) have a fair bit of radio equipment (mics, guitar radio packs and the like). We will have to throw perfectly good kit in the bin and as far as I can tell, we will get diddley-squat in terms of compensation.

It's only the more up to date kit that can be "re-tuned". All our old stuff is fixed.

Slovakian flies to Dublin with 90 grams of explosive

Yeah

The Irish know sod all about terrorism...

2016 bug hits Windows phones

Oddness

Went round to a mate's house last night to look at a Windows XP box that was having trouble.

Date on that was 2016 as well.

Mind you, it was virus-laden.

Paris, because she hasn't got a clue either.

Swedish bankers punt webcam smut to kiddies

Someone once said something along the lines of...

If you can't take f**king responsibility for f**king supervising your children on the f**king internet, I suggest you stop f**king.

(paraphrased, Kayla on alt.fan.pratchett).

German shoppers slug it out with salami

@whoever

Some of you really don't get the "Bootnotes" bit, do you?

Notts County Council sprays £82k on PC smut trawl

Savings?

No doubt these people will have been employed in a department that wasn't suffering cuts so you'll have to add on the costs of recruiting their replacements

MS denies Win 7 backdoor rumours

@Mat

I read that as root imbruglia and though,, "well, you would, wouldn't you..."

MS home server users hit by Windows Live Custom Domains snafu

@Bilgepipe

WHS?

They're a perfectly respectable source for books, magazines and stationery. Why the beef?

MS forensics tool leaks onto the web

COFEE? TEA?

Please make sure you join COCOA - Campaign Outlawing Contrived/Outrageous Acronyms.

Scots slam Germans for 'tight-arsed' slur

God's little joke...

Surely that's the one along the lines of...

St Peter (to God): You must truly love the Welsh, look at the wonderful country you gave them.

God: Yes, but they're really going to be pissed off about their next door neighbours.

For sale

Comment Stepladders. To help people who should get over themselves get over themselves.

£4.99 ono.

Regards,

The comment reading sheep shagging thieving Taffy bastard.

El Reg launches 'Comment of the Week'

@Annihilator

You don't say? I'd never have guessed...

@Sarah Bee, @Annihilator

@Sarah: You're cruel. Keep up the good work. You remind me of an editor I know ;)

@Annihilator: Cart? Curt? Cant?

WTF is this country called America?

Stting the bleeding obvious....

English - Bear Grylls.

Canadian - Grills Bears.

Blogging vicar casts Tina Turner into hell

Pah!

I intend to live for ever, just out of spite towards the people who find me annoying.

Landmark ISP piracy case could kick thousands offline

@AC 10:59

"How is it that the author thinks a ruling in a Australian court on copyright enforcement will have implications worldwide? Australian laws apply in Australia, not the world".

Australian lawyers obviously think they're American.

Bloggers howl after conference snoops on 'secure' network

@Mostor Astrakan

This post has been ROT-13 encoded twice. That obviously makes it *doubly* secure.

Adobe relieves Reader and Acrobat update blues

@Andy Brown 3

That's why Adobe have the "Distribute Adobe Reader" link underneath the link to download the partial readier install, so IT bods can get a full executable.

Fanbois howl over data-munching Snow Leopard bug

@jatco

Boxen, surely?

Comparisons

All OSes have their good points and bad points.

Trying to dicksize them (especially on a tech site) is about as much use as trying to decide who is the prettiest female russian shot putter.

The state of desktop support

Does this sound familiar?

User: "There's a message on my screen saying Z"

IT: "There's no such message, what does it really say?"

User: "I don't understand it"

IT: "That's ok, I just need you to read me the full message"

User: "Ok, it says Y"

IT: "Ok, what did you do prior to that?"

User: "Nothing"

IT: "That's strange, because you can only get a message saying Y if the computer asks you question X and you click OK"

User: "I didn't get any message"

IT: "Ok, let me have a look"

User: "Oh, I might have got a message"

IT: "And you clicked OK?"

User: "I haven't got time to read these messages, I just need to get on with work, so I clicked on some stuff"

IT: "Ok, I've sorted that for you, but next time you get a message you don't expect, ring us then and we can talk you through it"

User: "Ok"

Two days later...

User: "There's a message on my screen saying Z"...

North Wales Police says the law is what they say it is

While we're at it...

I'm sure half those 'bikers' were really just motorcyclists...

Cat ->pigeons.

@The Original Ash

Yes, MCN has the reputation of being "More Crap than News". However, that doesn't make everything they say or do incorrect.

As for your ""Dem gubment keepin uz bikers down!!11" comment you appear to be mistaking bikers for chavs on scooters.

Met steps up stop and search with mobile phone scanner

@Anonymous Coward 14:51

"Anyway, all this will do is to make people destroy the IMEI label on the phone. Not having an IMEI sticker is not a crime so the police will not be able to proudly demonstrate phone recovery statistics for very long."

It might not be now, but give it a week...

North Wales Police institute new happiness law

Brunstrom

Has been targeting bikers for eons. In his eyes (and the eyes of Ass Con Bill Holland of Warwickshire) we are obviously lower than a snakes belly.

Oh, I forgot...

Hope you don't mind, but this article has now been linked to in the forums at:

100-biker.co.uk

bikersweb.co.uk

and

bikerlifestyle.co.uk

Apple sends iPhones into 'Coma Mode'

@Tone

The link says...

"To reestablish syncing, have your Exchange Server administrator change the mailbox policy to no longer require device encryption."

That's gonna be a bit of a swine for anyone that's FSA regulated.

Italian Job sat nav driver cops £900 fine

@HFoster

Problem Resides In Car, 'K ?

What a complete f**kwit.

I'm surprised the idiot remembers how to breathe.

Let's all blame the technology because of the user's stupidity...

Cyclists give TV chef a Wikikicking

@Peter Ford

So you'll be quite happy with the fact that I have forcibly removed a cyclist from his bike after he ran into me on the pavement on three successive days?

No?

Anyone on/in any vehicle being a dick deserves to be treated as such. There aren't any saints in this argument.

Prince of Darkness scares UK mobe firms

Prince Of Darkness?

I can't see any reference to Ozzy anywhere...