Posts by Your alien overlord - fear me

Email apparently from Home Office warns of emails apparently from Home Office

Reg readers know to never open *any* emails (or lertters) from HMRC

Hawking, Musk, Woz (and others): Robots will kill us all

Well done Lewis

for getting a picture of Talulah Riley in one of your articles.

Scorchio! This June was the sixty-sixth hottest on record

Spot the obvious

Sixty-sixth sixth month = 66 6 (the 'th' dropped for dramatic effect). I bet someones having the Devil of a time in this heat - ho ho ho.

YOW! Pluto STUNS boffins with HAZY, SHRINKY atmosphere

"With flowing ices, exotic surface chemistry, mountain ranges, and vast haze, Pluto is showing a diversity of planetary geology that is truly thrilling."

It shows geology of a dwarf planet Shirley? Or has NASA let slip they know Pluto is really a bona-fida planet?

YOU! DEGRASSE! It's time to make Pluto a proper planet again, says NASA boffin

IAU voters were in the main, astronomers who deal with galaxies and the like, planetery scientists should be the ones to decide if something is a planet.

It's like having road builders decide a BMW is not a car because it is't made of tarmac.

Yes downvoters, that is how rediculous the dsciption and subsequent vote was.

Where's my I love Pluto icon?

Acer Revo One RL85: A pint-sized PC for the snug

Re: Remote power on?

How would you power it on if you'd powered it off? Get off your arse, walk to the telly and press a button? No thanks.

SPACE FARMER 'nauts arrive safely at International Space Station

I think it strange they'll let the 'nauts eat some of the lettuce but will only check it after ity comes back to earth. What about DNA mutation and such like, it could evolve into a brain-controlling parasite which would then infect planet earth.

This insanity must stop now.

Paris, brain = a natural togetherness !!

US Census Bureau IT systems hacked, data leaked by Anonymous

Not part of their internal system but they lost a database full of names and (hashed) passwords along with who are the administrators.

Offsite backups of sensitive data are becoming more commonplace for US gov departments nowadays :-)

NASA briefing in HOURS: 'We are upon the CUSP of finding ANOTHER EARTH'

And it's only 5 light years away - so make sure your passports are up to date.

Were the FIRST AMERICANS really FIRST? MYSTERY of vanished 'Population Y'

Er, it's a well known fact Aussies like to travel. They obviously just stopped over in South America on their way to become bar staff in London.

AI finally understands primitive sketches – aka marketing presentations

"Timothy Hospedales" - shouldn't he be working in a hospital ?

Mines the white one

Keep your stupid drones away from piloted aircraft, rages CAA

Launch a code of conduct with no repercussions if any wannabe TopGun (2) ignores it. There are laws to govern the size of remote controlled airplanes, surely that should be extended to cover quads.

The Register's resident space boffin: All you need to know about the Pluto mission

And why wasn't El Reg doing something like this instead of playing with balloons and paper planes?

Mine's the coat to protect me from the down votes :-)

Hackers invade systems holding medical files on 4.5 million Cali patients

" offering free identity protection as well as a $1,000,000 fraud insurance policy" - that'll cost them a wedge of mullah considering they could have spent less on some security for their network.

GOOGLE GMAIL ATE MY LINUX: Gobbled email enrages Torvalds

Well I know it's not working. I got an email saying a relative died leaving me a fortune. I sent the processing fee and haven't heard back. Google, you owe me millions.

NASA boffins peer at Pluto: Could it be ... is that ... OATMEAL?

Sorry, did they say 'wind driven'? So this non-planet has a round moon, is round itself and now has an atmosphere. Time to upgrade it again since these are the same particulars as Mars.

Female blood-suckers zero in on human prey by smelling our breath

Here's my idea

Put a manakin between mossie base camp (river) and village. Paint said manakin in black treacle (black to absorb the heat better, treacle to trap the mossies). Now, get some nerdie techo-boffin to rig up a CO2 source (should ber self-sustaining, no electricity needed) to entice mossies to it, they see a bloke, move in, feel the heat and go in for the kill.Oh, it's them who die. Hey presto, no mossies.

Now, should I put this out on Kickstarter or IndyGoGo ?

Cell division: The engine of life – and of CANCER. Now some of its secrets are revealed

kinetochore

The amount of energy required to move on a lady of the night from one street corner to another.

This is I believe a new standard El Reg measurement (or should be)

Microsoft suspends Windows 10 new-build downloads ahead of launch

Hmmm, so to stress test their distribution service, they switch off their distribition service.

I deny completely that it was me who broke it. Honest. No really, it was that guy over there.

Hacking Team: We’ll be back in the spyware biz before you know it

Am I missing something?

"He went on to say that the hackers hadn't exposed "important elements of our source code," and that a protected sector had been set up to protect the company's assets."

Business 101 - your clients are your biggest assets (they provide the money for the boss to keep as his assets). Are your clients details etc. secure? And why would you only protect the important elements?

Perhaps it was lost in translation - will the real translation also appear on Wikileaks?

Natural geothermal heat under Antarctic ice: 'Surprisingly high'

"such that there is nowadays much more Antarctic sea ice than there used to be "

Bleeding obvious - all that Arctic ice has drifted south and accumulated at the bottom. And before the smart arses claim that ice would float to the top, perhaps the earth flipped over and no one told us.

Ice burns and since there's no ice-cold icons.....

Canadian dirtbag jailed for SWAT'ing, doxing women gamers

"Psychological reports presented in the case claimed he suffered from severe narcissism, has emerging psychopathic traits, and is oversensitive." - or in English, he used to run Apple.

Mine's the coat filled with down votes....

Brit teen who unleashed 'biggest ever distributed denial-of-service blast' walks free from court

Surely the real criminals here are the stupid DNS server owners who coudn't be arsed to make sure their servers couldn't parcipitate in a DDoS.

Having worked for a (wannabe 'player') ISP who ran the DNS servers on Linux cause everyone else did it but had no firewall or anything and wondered why FTP servers kept being installed on them remotely...duh !!!

Ditch crappy landlines and start reading Twitter, 999 call centres told

Anniversary of 7/7 - in the aftermath the mobile network was shutdown so only 'special' SIMs worked (ie emergency services), general public had no service for the entire day. This is still the modus operandi I believe so how would mobile,text or twitter help in similar cases?

FLYING PIG crash-lands in Utah: Rider survives, bacon saved

You took a few days to verify the facts? The Land of the Oppressed was set free by us Brits over 200 years ago. We had to make it look like we cared about keeping it but lets face it, thank f*ck we got rid of the dead weight when we did.

Or did you mean the story of the flying bacon butty filler?

Samsung to launch a Snapdragon 808-based clamshell smartphone

How much bloatware can you fit in a screen that small? <insert ironic icon here>

The bucks stop here: NYSE freezes trading, blames 'technical issue'

"How to hack anything" released on t'internet and a day or 2 later this and UA. If another one goes titsup I'm outing them as being pwned.

'Real' vampires reluctant to 'come out of the coffin' to social workers – barmy prof

They believe they are born vampires ? Surely they know they're talking tosh - you need to be bled then killed to become a vamp. What kind of world do these wannabes live in? I bet none have ever really died.

Black and Latina boffins regularly mistaken for janitors, study finds

Sorry, I don't believe this - can these women please re-do this survey and it's findings to prove it.

Paris - not a janitor but dirrrty

Apple Watch sales in death dive after mega launch, claims study

Re: Evidently you've never bought anything from a 'hardware' Apple Store

Correct, neither online or on foot

If they are only available in store why would a paper reciept end up in my inbox?

Evil NSA runs on saintly Linux, Apache, MySQL

Autofs?

Auto f*cks sake

LAMP - Laughable Americans Munch Pancakes

Ligitious Ar$eholes Monetise Politics

Lets All Moon @ sPooks

Ginormous HIDDEN BLACK HOLES flood the universe – boffins

Hmmm, blasting the universe with high energy x-rays.

I bet that doesn't annoy any of our alien neighbours who are using x-ray telescopes to try and view the universe. Just saying....

Smart Meter biz case still there, insists tragically optimistic UK govt

Over here we have time-of-day consumption bills, any time of the day we consume electricity, we get billed for it. Or do you mean something else?

Chinese takeaway, hold the Google: Xiaomi Mi4 LTE Android

Most of the above commentards are obviously fanbois - Android is there to tinker with and put your own apps in unlike the iPhone (remember, there's no I in iphone, or free will, creativity, individuality etc).

AOSP is the Google-free Android, supported officially (and unofficially) by most big players - this means they can do what they want without being tied to Google - my own Nexus 5 (from Google) runs AOSP Lollipop with no Google apps at all. For Youtube, Gmail etc I run it on my tablet.

Also, the 1800 LTE is not really an issue as people have tweaked some phones to run on different bands - the bands are limited mainly by the local phone regulator not the hardware manufacturer

ALIEN SLIME SHOCKER: Approaching comet probably NOT inhabited, say boffins

Wow, major denial. I blame it on the Illuminati.

Pluto probe brain OVERLOAD: Titsup New Horizons explained

What about the data it would have collected from those alien spaceships heading towards Earth, currently they're about 9 million miles past Pluto and heading this way, probably get here next July 4th :-)

Planet killer: Ex-army officer's Welsh space-rock mission

Re: Gov.Space.UK

Just mention to DC that it's well know that NEO's are recruitment centre for IS and you'll find MI5 station someone on every NEO

‘Clandestines' prompt British border blockade in France

So, we've got trouble cause those wine-swilling, garlic chomping surrender monkeys don't like foreigners.

How times have changed since they dropped their pantaloons and bent over like bon petit garçons in 1940.

The Great Windows Server 2003 migration: Where do we go from here?

Well, I'm not telling my clients to upgrade (all SME's) - can you image telling the company owner it'll cost a few grand to upgrade the server (and Exchange) now when the new version is out next year. Bad timing on M$ part.

'This ruling does nothing to change the facts' thunders Apple in latest price-fix appeal blow

Refund in the way of time limited ebook tokens. Don't use them within the minute of them appearing in your inbox - tough luck, they've expired.

NSA continues mass slurping of Americans' phone metadata

"associated with an approved international terrorist organization." - what if ISIS don't apply to become approved?

And all their home grown terrorists wil feel upset at not being included.

Americans eh, what can you do?

UH OH: Windows 10 will share your Wi-Fi key with your friends' friends

Place your bets please, plasce your bets ... on how long it takes someone to decrypt Microsoft's security and see in plaintext the wifi password.

On a similar topic, what if I use just WPA, how could I get access to a WPA2 network or via versa?

Giant male member spontaneously ejaculates over Norway

Hang on, there's a beach and it's sunny - Norway is a land of fjords so where was this really shot?

Yahoo! displaces Ask in Oracle's Java update crapware parade

I remember when Ask Jeeves was new and fresh and a more 'human interface' on searching unlike Google who (back then) only gave specific results for your searches unlike today when every search includes the 'Do you feel lucky punk?' option.

Re: Who the hell uses Java nowadays?

anyone dealing with Android phones/tablets and presumably iPhones as well.

Courtney Love in the crossfire! Paris turns ugly over Uber

Paris turns ugly - I thought you were doing an article on her plastic surgery

As the US realises it's been PWNED, when will OPM heads roll?

Why is the US gov on the internet in the first place? It's a work enviroment so they should have zero internet access bar one standalone PC and a locally attached printer. If someone needs a webpage, fill in the request form (in triplicate), someone in a haz-mat suit (so they don't get infected with any viruses) enters the URL and prints the page in triplicate. One goes to the requestor, one goes to their boss and one goes to the NSA.

SImple.

The world .sucks at a minute past midnight on Sunday

thepriceofadotsucksdomainname.sucks

No, really.

Post-pub nosh neckfiller: Nasi goreng pattaya

Is this site sponsered by the Beeb? Mary Berry did this on Friday sans omlette.