Posts by Your alien overlord - fear me

The Infamous Eight: 2015's memes, themes and big pieces

Predictions for 2016 - same old shit. Twitter still doesn't make a profit, Google still No.1 ad-slinger, Facebook still shit, Govt cyber-spies still know everything you do, Microsoft releases Windows 11 to apologise for Windows 8-10 and pays you to install it this time.

Cat fight: Watch out YouTube, here comes Facebook

If FB has 4 billion views a day, how come it's playing catch up to YT's 1 billion views a month?

Brian Krebs criticises PayPal’s security as authentication flaws exposed

So minimum wage call-centre support staff fell for the old 'pleeeeease' routine and went off-script?

If the staff at the end of the phone know less about security than they care about security this will always happen. Teach them about security and social engineering for at least half an hour (probably in their lunch break).

Chat messages in Skype for Windows are bang out of order – so here's how to 'fix' it for now

"This update is currently undergoing verification and quality tests before we can share it with you" unlike previous versions where we let you do the quality tests for us. At no cost to us. Cheers suckers.

US Marines kill noisy BigDog robo-mule for blowing their cover

Pass this one to Tesla :-)

Watch out, er, 'oven cleaners': ICO plans nuisance call crackdown in 2016

Pity no one honours the TPS, especially cold callers !!!!

UK digital minister asks for input on strategy, lauds 'sharing economy' biz success

Pity the startup funds come from USA primarily. If the UK govt could see it's way to providing actual cash (rather than tax credits etc), I'd love to start up an international enterprise.

Couple of million should do. Only joking, I need at least £100 million. Used notes, non-sequential. Or Bitcoins.

Patch now! Flash-exploitin' PC-hijackin' attack spotted in the wild by Huawei bods

Er, should I update my flash player on Android? Would it even work on an Android system?

Mine's the 'Flash'er mac - geddit?

China wants encryption cracked on demand because ... er, terrorism

Who exactly are China's terrorist threats? I know they've got those wanting justice,freedom etc. but does terrorist in Chinese just translate to local annoyance?

No, drone owners – all our base are belong to US, thunders military

"Oddly, the FAA has questionable authority over anything below 400 feet, yet wants to draw up a list of potential troublemakers using that space." Oddly enough, I think the FAA wants to know when said troublemakers exceed 400 feet and they'll only know who they are if they tag them at ground level first.

Hey, Santa – duck! Space shaft buzzes Earth on Christmas Eve

Sounds like it's under intelligent control - an orbit 12 million clicks this year, down to 2.8 in a few years then 2.7 in 55 years. It's not natural I tell ya, not natural at all.

Fortunately my tinfoil hat will protect me !!!!

Robotic exoskeleton market to grow 40 per cent a year until 2025

Good news for two people. You'll be needed to lift an exoskeleton out of the paddy fields when the weight sinks it ito the soft mud.

India may have binned Facebook's freebies on net neutrality grounds

India should have banned Facebook (end of sentence) !!!

Christmas comes early at US Patent office after massive IT outage

Did you Google when the staff party was held inhouse? Accidental drink spillage BofH?

Software bug sets free thousands of US prisoners too early

Well, I'd put some of those responsible in the clinky - I hear they've got some freed up rooms :-)

YouTube puts T-Mobile US on naughty list for throttling all vids to 480p

"on the same issue over services they is said to be readying." - they is saying that is they?

'Showbiz hacker touted stolen celebs' X-rated vids, scripts, songs'

Amazing the stupidity of people (yes, including criminals).

Isn't it time for celebs to wake up to the fact that the big fat bloke they employ as a personal bouncer might make them safe from physical attack but they should employ someone for their onine defence?

Riddle of cash-for-malware offer in new Raspberry Pi computers

Email starts with 'Hello friend' - obvious spam starter. The money they would have been paid would be from a compromised Paypal account. Something similar happened to me a month ago. And no, I didn't fall for it either.

Apple introduces new regime, hands more control to investors

If there are 20 shareholders of Apple stock out there, I'm available as a director. Just saying...

Mine's the one with an Android phone in the pocket.

Software engineer sobers up to deal with 2:00 AM trouble at mill

My best one was post staff party, I was working (3 shift rota at a bank). I was so pi$$ed I couldn't remember leaving the party, let alone doing my entire departments nightshift work *and* the morning shift stuff. They appreiciated it being under the weather themselves and when asked about it when I came in the following night, I just told everyone the stuff was so repetitive I could literally do it unconscious.

Microsoft releases major PowerShell update after long preview

Yeah, just in time for Christmas. Always an excellent time to install something new :-)

Death Stars are a waste of time – here's the best way to take over the galaxy

"Namely, that they have access to a workforce that can be churned out in large numbers and copied as needed." - why build expensive robots when you can have legions of stormtroopers? Easily grown, easily programmed and dead cheap.

Cisco probes self for Juniper-style backdoors, silently mouths: 'We're doing this for yooou'

That was my take on the mealy mouthed blurb - if the NSA/Cisco is an authorised backdoor it's fine.

Also, I've clients with 827 ADSL routers on 10 year old firmware. There must have been at least a dozen firmware upgrades available when it was available to buy. Are Cisco going to check all obsolete firmware code?

IT bloke: Crooks stole my bikes after cycling app blabbed my address

a. who the f%^& cares about your cycling you narcissistic twonk?

b. ask Strava who accessed the data (IP address and so on) and give it to the police - returning of stolen goods 101

El Reg picked a pack of ace pic-titlers

New biometric camera logon system (take your pick - boobies or underarm hair density )

Microsoft mandates browser-extension defence to malvertising

So if I'm writing malware (not advertising) via the Microsoft ecosystem, I'll be fine then?

Apple on the attack against British snooping bill. Silicon Valley expected to follow

Because Silicon Valley looks after UK (and EU) customer data so well they wouldn't want that data to be mis-used.

So, how is the new Safe Harbour agreement getting on SV?

Microsoft grabs ex-Google and Facebook brains for unstructured SQL engine

Why buy an unstructured SQL engine when they have their own in house !!!!! Just kidding (from a MCDBA )

Facebook arrives at commonsense 'real names' policy

Wow, calling people queer? Come back the 70's, Facebook wants to get off.

Lettuce-nibbling veggies menace Mother Earth

Just have a B rather than BLT - it's going to save the planet. Possibly add an egg if your culinary expectations are high first thing in the morning !!!

Windows' authentication 'flaw' exposed in detail

And since you need physical access to the server/network we're all doomed. Not.

FAA introduces unworkable drone registration rules in time for Christmas

Quick, start a KickStarter whip-round for $27,500 and then let Lohan soar.

Kids' TV show Rainbow in homosexual agenda shocker

"lesbian on-line magazine" - don't believe it unless there are pictures to prove it - and not Playmobil ones !!!

HMRC aims for fully digital tax system by 2020. Yeah, whatever

Let's hope that come the last day for digital 'returns', that HRMC has enough bandwidth / processing power to cope with the traditional surge and it has a robust anti-DDoS system in place.

Russian friends make German web scum the 'best' in European Union

of the 70,000 'users' I wonder how many are researchers for AV software?

Alibaba buys South China Morning Post, Hong Kong's top newspaper

What, no mention of Yahoo! in an Alibaba story?

ISS 'naut trio return to snowy terra firma

Re: Photo

Yuri knows he's the gooseberry on that seat made for two.

Spanish village mounts Playmobil extravaganza

You know even Elvis has a dragon in it? Looks like he's about to boil the pond and have flamingo soup.

Adobe: We locked our customers in the cloud and out poured money

Lets face facts - the only reason they went to a subscriber model was that more than 75% of Photoshop being used was a pirated version. Subscribers can't pirate. Their userbase probably hasn't increased that much but their legitimate users have.

Amazon Web Services clears fog with public cloud fee price list API

Wow, you have to opt-in to recieve price rise announcements. Bean counters will love that idea.

ISS trio set for televised taxi ride home

Wonder when Uber will be pitching in to taxi them to/from the ISS for cheaper prices?

Logicalis: Yes, we're recruiting for another senior head

Was Logicalis 'crampin' his style? Ho, ho, ho !!!!!

Vodafone slings sueball at Dutch telco alleging anti-competitive conduct

"Other operators without the benefits of this nationwide fixed-line infrastructure must rely on KPN’s network in order to compete."

Oh, I don't know. Perhaps incoming companies can invest billions of Euros over 50 years plus to set up their own infrastructure (plus staff, training, vans etc.).

What? It'll cost too much? Well, if you want a service why rely on others to do the heavy work when you can do it yourself.

It seems Voda's business plan is based on the hyena. Wait for someone else to do the dirty work (lions,cheetahs etc.) and then bully their way in to get the benefits.

Hacked Japanese space probe sends back first pictures of Venus

The UV image - centre above the dark stripe in the middle - doesn't it look like a bloke's face with a large nose and a goatee?

In-a-spin! Yahoo! clutches! Alibaba! baby! to! breast!

reverse spin - isn't that the same as Tory PR on Osbourne's tax credits?

Bitcoin inventor Satoshi 'outed' as Aussie, then raided by cops – but not over BTC

And how did the (American) Feds take down Al Capone? Over tax issues. Not looking good.

Boffins teach cars to listen for the sound of a wet road

And the sound of black ice on the road is ....?

Who! would! want! Yahoo!? How! about! Verizon!?

Paid $158m for doing a crap job and getting fired? I'm officially now lowering my standards of workmanship.

Japanese hack gets space probe back on track

Of course if they'd built it properly in the first place, none of this would have happened. But that's the negative view :-)

Pirate Bay domain suspended thanks to controversial verification system

I never bother, none of my domains (including a .org) have ever been suspended.

I think however that a good system would be that if you actually pay for your domain (every year or whatever), that's a pretty good indication that you want to keep the domain name. No?