* Posts by Chris Simmons

106 publicly visible posts • joined 9 May 2007


Critics aim to sink Titanic ice cubes

Chris Simmons

I'll take...

two Titanic sets (gin and titonic - brilliant!), one WTC before (common market) and one after (smoky martini or choking hazard), one Paris Hilton exiting a limo (quick fuck), a bush on a segway with added pretzel detailing (zombie) and a hanging Saddam (one balled dictator, lynchburg lemonade or satan's whiskers).

Ta very much.

Dell tech flashes woman with (her own) jubblies

Chris Simmons
Paris Hilton


that most techies in their down-time would barely be able to extract themselves from the basement, is this any surprise?

I am not condoning the "action" that Jack took, but the sight of some "lubbly jubbly" may have been too much for him to cope with and just overloaded his, erm, 'senses'.

Paris, well, Jimmy Edwards would have been too naughty (and Jack may enjoy it too much).

Vigilantes R US: Private enterprise takes over

Chris Simmons

Two minutes...

on the site and I found one chap - a local - listed with a "criminal profile" against his name and he was tagged "terrorist".

The man was found not guilty in September.

If I were him I'd sue.

LHC pulverises previous record: 2.36 TeV surprise collision!

Chris Simmons

Paging Mr Freeman

"Why didn't they listen? We tried to warn them."

"I never thought I'd see a resonance cascade, let alone

create one."

Apple seeks OS-jacking advert patent

Chris Simmons

I know...

this will probably never implemented, unless someone else tries it and then apple can licence the "tech" - and take their cut of the ad revenue - but I'd love to see the fanbois try to defend this action.

Pineapple? Well sometimes Cupertino deserve several.

Brussels agrees pan-European ID standard

Chris Simmons
Big Brother


As much as I like the EU, EEC (whatever it calls itself now - I put "European" on any forms asking for nationality) they can just fuck off and shove their ID cards from wherever their sun may shine.

I do not live in a Stasi-state (oh, wait, yes I do), there is no war going on that I support or agree with, there is no rationing for me to be able to prove I need my powdered eggs and there is no fricking terrorist-threat against Whitchurch (south Bristol, postcode will be provided on acceptance of a decent threat and not some idiot with a firework who thinks he's Osama B-L).

I reject your reality and substitute my own*


Mr Really-Pissed-Off-With-All-This-Shit

*thanks Adam

Duff DAB, megamogs and ass-assassins: Your thoughts

Chris Simmons
Paris Hilton


I have 5 cats (Gandalf, Smeagol, Merlin along with Tiddles and Toffee - don't ask); they are all trained and vicious just to cope with the kids next door - little fuckers they are (the kids).

"Oh look mummy pussycat" Arghhhhhhhhhh scream, cry, bleed.

That'll teach you for waking me up at six on a Saturday morning with a fucking flaming hangover.

Paris? Well...

Gmail de-goodened by contact list glitch

Chris Simmons

Virgin Media

Since VM began switching users onto the Googlemail platform (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/04/15/virgin_media_gmail/) I have been experiencing massive slowdowns on my 4-year old private gmail account: it could just be coincidence, but I've no way of proving yea or nay.

Microsoft takes on Wet Willie's to punt Windows 7 in Paris

Chris Simmons
Jobs Horns

Damn you Kelly, damn you

A little sick? What kind of sadist are you?

James Martin apologises for cyclist outrage

Chris Simmons


If you can count a Gordonobrownian statement as an apology then yes, I guess he did apologise; however if you cynical then you could just say he was covering his arse while avoiding actually apolgising or saying anything meaningful.

That's the last time I shall be watching a cookery programme without Delia.

Coat? Yes the one with a picture of Delia and a jar of semi-melted butter in the pockets. (Oh God - now I puked in my mouth a little for saying/thinking that)

Virgin mail struggles to its feet

Chris Simmons


I've been a VM customer since the old C&W (I think) days - so a long time.

In the last month or two my broadband service has been bloody awful. Certain sites take ages to resolve (they won't admit DNS problems), my independent (of virgin mail services) gmail account is so slow I might as well be back on dial-up (or snail) and at random times during the day my 10mbps service drops to less than 1mbps. (Having said that phone, TV and mobile are fine).

I have rebooted all my kit - cable modem, router, pc - to no avail and all VM customer service staff say is to disable my firewall and remove my router - they can just go and fuck themselves.

I guess I might be doing something wrong, but as a long-standing system builder, coder and support-type (>2 decades) I think I have probably a better understanding of kit then their so-called service staff.

Come back blueyonder.

Gamers gun down Half-Life

Chris Simmons

Good grief...

does the woman in the video have a patent for her mouth?

Yes it has false teeth and lots of condoms in the pockets (double strength)

Microsoft grabs Office.com domain in Google Apps assault

Chris Simmons
Jobs Horns


no, you may not be

@ the world in general: as FZ said, fuck you all

ta ta for now and thanks for all the fish, I'm going to keep on swimming and laughing at you

Want Gmail? Best have your mobile handy

Chris Simmons
Paris Hilton


Plain and utter BS.

I just created 4 accounts and NO PHONE AT ALL.

Sorry for shouting, just pissed about scare-mongering (or is that scare-minging if I use PH as the icon?)

Microsoft distances self from IE 8 puke ads

Chris Simmons
Jobs Horns


just hurl seeing that IE was installed; pr0n might just alleviate the symptoms.

Dreamliner first flight delayed yet again

Chris Simmons

Boeing, you listening?

That'll teach you for laughing at the A380 delays.

Mobile directory made legal threats to get personal details

Chris Simmons

Virgin Mobile

Have just told me that they did not sell their user data to connectivbastardy. Now all I need to hear is that they are scrapping any work with phuckorm.

Chris Simmons

Removing numbers

I just rang the 0800 number from my landline and had both my better halfs' number and my own removed.

The chap with whom I spoke was very understanding of the privacy issues and as wel as assuring me about the possible "marketing" use of the numbers voiced his own concerns about the service - do be honest he did not believe the "service" will survive.

The two numbers have been marked as ex-directory but not expunged as removal would lead to the reinstatement during the next phase of db update.

The reason for the four-week delay in "removal" is that connectivity are only paying a third party for a four-weekly update to the db; they are not performing the actions themselves, instead farming it out to that (un-named) third party for sanitisation.

I have additionally written to phonepayplus, given them all the details of my complaint and if I find either of our numbers on there in future I have given notice of legal action, not limited to, but including, misuse of private information, possibly illegally obtained private information, other DPA abuses and extortion based upon the fact that it will cost the user to opt-out of the "service" given their standard removal instructions.

Wikipedia bans Church of Scientology

Chris Simmons


L. Ron Hoover:

Well, you have nothing

to fear, my son!

You are a Latent

Appliance Fetishist,

It appears to me!


That all seems very,

very strange

I never craved

a toaster

Or a color T.V.

Downing Street on Phorm: 'Meh'

Chris Simmons

@BNP - UKIP and those meddling EU Commissioners

Well said Sir.

As much as many would complain, at least the EU are trying to protect us from certain interests that care so little about so much except their bottom lines.

Neelie Kroes FTW

Chris Simmons

What crap

It's typical of #10 that they are not prepared to take responsibility for anything; they are there not just to protect us for the overblown terrorist threat, but also against over-zealous, dirty and rogue commercial elements.

When on earth are they ever going to get it into their stupid, thick heads that they are our servants and their to look after our best interests in all aspects of life (apart from the obvious references to the nanny-state idiocies that Fark manages to point out on a regular basis?

Oi, Gov - you have a responsibility towards us not yourselves; the sooner you realise that the better life might become in this and many other countries. Quit the overt Stalinism and just run the fucking country properly - for the good of all citizens and not just business, the intelligence community and the military.

Fox terminates The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Chris Simmons

Foxing bastards

I don't think there's any point my trying to ever watch an american sci-fi series again; it's all about money rather than providing entertainment. Bloody murdick.

Franco had one ball: Official

Chris Simmons

@David Wiernicki

Surely it would be a bunch of nut?

US teen pleads guilty over Scientology DDoS attacks

Chris Simmons

@AC 14:17

No, but they do a good line in Hypno-toads (with right Benders on the side).

Taiwanese rat snake bites Taiwanese trouser snake

Chris Simmons

My Uncle

(No seriously)

He and his wife are missionaries in Africa. One place they stayed had only an outside privvy; one night Andrew needed a pee, grabbed his torch (oh you smutty bastards) and went outside into the loo.

With torch under armpit (pointing down) he reached for the lid to see a black mamba curled around the porcelain - they want me to visit tem sometime; no fucking way Ike, seriously.

Greece grounds Google's Street View fleet

Chris Simmons


...stupid NIMBY's.

I'm off to Broughton with my camera, my laptop and lots of space on my website to publish my pictures.

Security luminaries chew the fat on e-voting

Chris Simmons

Whitfield Diffie?

That's Rick Wakeman isn't it?

Microsoft's idea of Family Protection? Block Google

Chris Simmons

@Britt Johnston


Internet blocking is in any event a job for politicians.


You are either naive, taking the piss or just plain stupid. Nobody should have the right to censor anything I wish to read or view. Anything I find distasteful will be censored by me and not some arrogant, bigotted nut-job in Whitehall who has so much understanding of and care of personal freedoms as anyone with a fucking tree up their arse can. Fucking government, frigging M$ grumble grumble moan.

Profs: Human race must become Hobbits to save planet

Chris Simmons

I think...

it was the Colin Kapp novel Manalone that presented a future where mankind had been slowly shrunk (against their will) to aid the planet or some possibly nefarious authoritarian aim; I will never forget one scene where Manalone is trying to determine what a massive piece of pottery is only to later find out it was one of our cup or teapot handles.

How I loved my sci-fi decades back.

NASA: Clean-air regs, not CO2, are melting the ice cap

Chris Simmons


what's the similar sharp and prolonged rise that started in approx. 1915?

WAG sues CPW for phone pic nick

Chris Simmons


What expectation of privacy can you have if you have posed for Playboy?

Mines the one with a rabbit's foot in the back pocket.

Police ad urges: 'Trust no one'

Chris Simmons
Black Helicopters


A greenlit front-page link on FARK, under the tag "Nanny State" has has a limerick response from TF'er MaxxLarge, well up to his usual standard:

"The global community talks:

Stop watching your people like hawks.

I'll show no surprise

If this should give rise

To mobs dressing up as Guy Fawkes."

Well done Jim, I applaud you and a nice Alan Moore reference as well.

Privacy watchdog barks for federal Gmail probe

Chris Simmons


...can bleat on all they like and I do agree with some of their campaigns, however in this case they can just go screw themselves - I have made a decision to use gmail for most of my mail and it has served me well since February 2005.

I have no problems with this fantastic service.

Latest subject for peer review? You

Chris Simmons
Black Helicopters


"* No, we don't know what that means in this context either."

Brilliant! New keyboard and monitor please.

Black helicopters? Because this is probably GOP sponsored to attack Barack.

NASA's CO2-scan sat set to launch

Chris Simmons


Another blank from NASA - I'd be single if I had their success rate.

Google's email service goes down

Chris Simmons

Posted on Google Groups

We're aware of a problem with Gmail affecting a small subset of users.

The affected users are unable to access Gmail. We will provide an

update by February 24, 2009 6:30 AM PST detailing when we expect to

resolve the problem. Please note that this resolution time is an

estimate and may change

Posted by Gmail Guide Yellow at 10:46am

IP security shortcomings unpicked

Chris Simmons
Paris Hilton

There's nice boyo...

"many protocol specifications focus only on the operational aspects of the protocols they specify"

there's useful now, I guess that comes from the cult handbook "Dianetics" or the other one "The Science of the Bleeding Obvious, How to Camouflage Yourself and be a Government Minister in Half an Easy Lesson".

If only I could post the LOLCat - "Cannot brain today - I have the dumb"

Paris - cos her pussy could be rather ...no, not again

UFO wind turbine prang site: Exclusive photos

Chris Simmons

At last

proof that UFOs do not exist and we are being bothered bothersomely by lots of human aliens from outside our borders.

I cannot tell you how much your superior investigative journalism has astounded and amazed me, while making me laugh so much I added to global warming.

Keep up the good work.

Private firm may run UK spy über-database

Chris Simmons

Any bets

on EDS?

"Joke Alert"? I bloody well hope so.

Microsoft eyes metered-PC boondoggle

Chris Simmons
Thumb Down


they can bite my shiny metal ass.

Scientology refuseniks sue over compulsory workplace courses

Chris Simmons

Being an...

...OT XV I am getting a kick out of these posts and just to put the record straight I DL'd all the materials and laughed my tits off when I read them.

Then I studied them hard and became what I am today, a poor fucked-up idiot who still uses winbloze.

Oh well, life is a box of chocolates, you eat them and get fat.

First lady of Star Trek dead at 76

Chris Simmons

Majel quote:

"I don't think we're wasting people in space. "

Welsh Tories ask taxpayers to pick up iPod tab

Chris Simmons

Are Tory AM's...

...all BOFH's?

EU asks Google for privacy advice

Chris Simmons
Paris Hilton

This is like...

...asking a Wraith* to feed on me, or a nu-labour minister to tell the truth about warrants or a tone bliar to talk about WMD or etc

Paris: just because

*SG-Atlantis for all you non-believers

Axl Rose may have undermined own case over Dr Pepper stunt

Chris Simmons

Good God

All this over a crap album from a has-been and a free can of fizzy piss?

Mine is the one with an MP3 player stuffed with Zeppelin, Floyd and Zappa in the pocket.

Police vet live music, DJs for 'terror risk'

Chris Simmons
Black Helicopters

re: So the terrorists are winning then?

By Paul Posted Tuesday 11th November 2008 16:43 GMT

"Slowly but surely the paranoid morons are ruining our society. Soon you will need a permit for leaving your home."

Haven't you heard of the ID Card yet?

Halliburton seeks patent on patent trolling

Chris Simmons
Thumb Up

A comment...

...from $RANDOMLUSER on /. (it gert made I laff):

"This makes me so mad I just wanna shoot someone in the face."

London anthrax case man 'seriously ill'

Chris Simmons

Nothing more to say


The art of RL replicating TV is quite stunning.

Brussels bounces BT-Phorm quiz back to UK.gov

Chris Simmons

@AC Re: Chris Simmons

I must admit I had not seen or read of that side of the Commissioners office/remit. It immediately brought to mind the stupidity of those amerikkkan "contracts" whereby any disputes "have" to go to arbitration and not to civil court.

I stand corrected, although I still remain firmly pro-European.

Chris Simmons

I've always been...

...pro-European and this just underlines for me why those, oft-times called "faceless" European bureaucrats more often than not have our interests closer to their hearts than our own leaders.