* Posts by Fizzle

93 publicly visible posts • joined 17 Jun 2009


Icelandic Pirate Party asked to form government


Can we please just be serious for once..

...and stop all this buggering about with English and stuff (Yee Haw, avast there be harties etc).

What I really want to know is why the hell haven't we got a jolly decent party like this to vote for here in't UK?

I can even forgive them for the cod wars of the seventies, cod bless 'em!

Lang may ye rool, me lads (O hell, I'm at it now, must be infectious or summat).

User needed 40-minute lesson in turning it off and turning it on again


Re: My Favorite

I read this story years ago - I think you have tried to paraphrase the old Wordperfect scenario where the tech told the user to send the computer back 'cos he was too effing stupid to own one.

Deny it mate?



I once had a conversation with what seemed to be a reasonably savvy lady in a Doctor's surgery. She had rung to ask a question about the icons on her desktop. I narrowed down the problem to someone before her having set up Windows to respond to one click rather than the standard two.

I told her to try double-clicking the icon. It took her a while to work out what I meant. She had been told, when she started working there, that one had to "left-press" on the icon - double clicking was meaningless to her.

That's when I learnt to speak in single syllable words to users - bless 'em!

Smart meter benefits even crappier than originally thought


Re: Two reasons

I'll drink to that too!

Great line.

AI gives porn peddlers a helping hand

Paris Hilton

Re: Nigella

It's high time El Reg replaced the Paris icon with Nigella (or Mary Berry at a pinch).

Fed up with Paris now...

Martian 'ice cauldrons' are prime spot to hunt LGMs, say boffins


Re: Planetary Protection Programme

OK I accept your synopsis!

I don't understand why we are searching for life outside our planet. My point was, I suppose, let's spend those billions on getting to Mars sooner rather than later, and not worry about contamination at this stage: let's get established first and worry about protocols later.

We do far more damage to the Earth's atmosphere etc., launching things into space, to worry about a few microbes in some corner of a Martian plain that was forever Mars.



Re: Planetary Protection Programme

I am a bit confused by your statement:

"We do not want to ruin the scientific discoveries of the next mission that goes travelling past our mission..."

with reference to Mars.

My logic goes thus;

1. We are looking to the future to colonise a new world

2. Mars appears to be favourite and feasible (at some point in the future)

3. We will end up contaminating the planet anyway

So, doesn't it make sense to allow a few earthly microbes to land there as part of the eventual in-habitation of said planet?

New MH370 handshake and wing debris analysis suggests rapid descent


Re: Having Sailed on the Met Office Weathership Service ...

A dead body is a dead body, decapitated or not so what difference in facing forwards or backwards in those circumstances?

DRAMA ON MARS: Curiosity bot fires laser at alien metal object



"ChemCam fires a green laser at objects to stimulate elections"...

Oops, slightly mis-read that at first - silly me.

Crashed Schiaparelli lander's 'chute and shields spotted


Maffs 'n' stuff

All this talk about "maffs", as my teacher lithpilly saith reminds me of two of my favourite sayings of his:

1. Do NOT use the quadratic equation formula all the time as it's like "getting the air force to shoot down a fly", and,

2 An erg is the amount of energy a fly uses doing a push-up

Happy memories from 1967 Mr Cajetan. BTW he was also a good billiards player who delighted using geometry to calculate angles for canons.

Do they still make teachers like that, I wonder?

Hololens for biz shocker: Surprisingly, it doesn't totally suck


Re: "evaluating the insurance risks for buildings"

"If there is one thing high-paid suits cannot stand, it's looking ridiculous. Gestures ain't helping on that point."

You haven't been to any London Pub of a Friday evening to see many business suits-type people behaving stupendously ridiculously together over bottles of champers then!

Some Windows 10 Anniversary Update: SSD freeze


OMG - it's fantastiche!

It''s twoo, it's twoo!

After the update my machine runs perfick (with SSD as boot), no discernible differences, programs run at least 50% faster and it looks better-er than before...

Oops sorry, dozed off there in a daydream.

Other than that, it seems OK (at the mo'), but my firewall is going berserk as it is treating the whole thing as a brand new install - which by the look of things, it is!

Man dies after UK police Taser shooting

Big Brother

Re: TASERS - Not As Dumb as you Think

Can I have all those statistics in Imperial please?

I am NOT part of some Froggie (other European countries are available) metric type and, God forbid (other deities are also available), nor will I ever be.


Sick and tired of modern Windows? Upgrade to Windows 3.1 today – in your web browser


No it didn't

The Amiga failed because in order to program it, one had to keep peeking and then poking it.

It died full of the equivalent of air holes

Scottish MP calls for drone-busting eagles



This is akin to, and seems like, the US military's experiments in using dolphins to hunt ships with torpedoes and other dipshit stuff like that.

FFS leave our animals alone to do their own hunting - for food.

Hacked Japanese space probe sends back first pictures of Venus



What sort of English is that?


Get your WELLIES to MARS: Red Planet reveals its FROZEN BOTTOM


Re: Need boots on Mars...


What he said plus one

PRATCHETT chats to Oz from 31,000m above Planet Earth


Re: Looks like you had great weather for it!

The SAFETY switch was disabled????

Remind me never to fly in a Pratchett airliner!!

PS Well done anyway!

High-flying LOHAN fan raises ale-filled tankard


I don't understand but....

The pilot in the glider cockpit (Martin) is holding the joystick with his left hand. Martin in the picture is holding the tankard in his right hand but..it's a left-handed tankard!

This confuses me so I would be grateful to El Reg and friends to correct or explain this om nom nom anomaly please.

Bloke hits armadillo AND mother-in-law with single 9mm round


Re: re: Manola

English Sparrows? You mean just sparrows. Why English? And if, indeed, there are English Sparrows flying around other than in England, please don't shoot them, send old Papageno around and bring 'em back home.

Anyway, why are English sparrows considered pests? What do they do?

MARSQUAKES shook up range of hills in ancient lake bed


Soggy Bottomz

Well certainly after a good belching from the insides, there will be a sedimentary wet bottom, and it's understandable that bits will be clinging on. Hence of course, the extra strong winds of Mars will help whistle through the vitals and cleanse said debris away.

Now that ain't rocket science either, or is that eether? Whatever, sigh..I'll leave quietly now before anyone comments.

'I got a little bit upset by that Register article...' says millionaire model. Bless!


Re: Boots on the (red) Ground


Now THAT's a number to conjure with!

Scientists capture death star in violent explosion


Someone think of the children...and others

I wish "boffins" would spend less time thinking about how stars end their lives and more time on calculating how many "people" on planets affected by the supernova die.

We really ought to get some sort of Relief Aid going and help those poor folks.

Urinating teen polluted 57 Olympic-sized swimming pools - cops


Re: No way near Homeopathic standards..

You sound a bit "annally retentive" to me.

Boffins run iOS apps on Android hardware



I bought Android so I could AVOID iTunes. Why on earth would I want to run anything iOS related?

Giant pop can FOUND ON MOON


Re: What about the Apollo missions!?!

The firm is quite right, their product will be the first beverage on the moon because, as we all know, and the drinks firm knows, nobody has yet landed there and walked on it.

Can't be bothered with the obligatory Wiki conspiracy links.

Curiosity GOUGES AND SCORCHES Mars with drill and laser


Keep Out cones?

I'm puzzled!

Where does Curiosity keep the cones, metal rods and bits of red plastic telling pedestrians to "use the other footway"? I've looked carefully at the pix of the machine and I just cannot see how they fit on it.

And how does the Council worker get there, where is he/she hiding?

"There I was digging this 'ole

'ole in the ground,

square and sort of round it was...."

When up came a bloke in a bowler...

"You can't dig there, dig it elsewhere,

you're digging it round and it orta be square.."

Always wondered how Bernard Cribbins could see into the future; now I know!

NASA's Curiosity rover set to give Mars its third hard drilling


Re: So lazers at dawn.........

it"s "but still they come", NOT "they still come".

And it"s LASERS not LAZERS.


That's a score of 2 to me and 0 to you. I am now in an unassailable position as we have run out of time.

10 PRINT "Happy 50th Birthday, BASIC" : GOTO 10


Precise Time


Yeah thanks guys for setting a precedent that everyone from Steve Jobs to even the most sedate and boring sysadmin now expects programmers (and fixers) to be available all bloody night.

Example: Work 60 hours plus on a failing network in Birmingham. Take a well-earned break for a couple of days back home 200 miles away, drive early on Sunday morning to see the kids for once. Halfway home get a call to say something else has gone wrong, "and if you don't come back right now, don't bother coming back at all".

Such happy days.

Still, I love my job, innit.

LOHAN and the amazing technicolor spaceplane


Union flag


It's a Union flag!

how many times more...??

Let's hope some enterprising airline pays meeellions for the wonderful livery.

Nvidia's new CUDA 6 has the 'most significant new functionality in the history of CUDA'



Is everyone writing English here or is this another new hybrid language?

Confoosed (not difficult)

Whacko, 'cos I need a good caning.

'Graceful' solar flare erupts from surface of Sun – NASA vid


Hot flushes

Those flairy fings prolly explain the hot flushes I get. That last "whoosh" was particularly big 'cos 8½ minutes later I had a hot flush. At least I now know not to trust my GP. Menopause indeed; solar flairs frying me vitals more like!

New snaps show dazzling young galaxies furiously spawning stars - 13 BILLION years ago


Lenz Flair?

I thought in spaaaace, there was no atmosphere hence no lens flare? Someone please correct me if I am wrong. It's doin' me head in!

10-year-old girl becomes youngest ever supernova discoverer


The mangle of the dangle

I was very careful NOT to tweet (oh dear that's a noun (sorta) becoming a verb far too quickly and without the benefit of 200+ years of Oxford Professors humming and hawing over it.

I put the comments on El Reg, of course, because no self respecting plod would bother to look at it, being a bit erudite and out of their league.

Gotta run now, there's this rather loud knock at my door...


Super what?

"as the BBC says.."

that'll be supernovae then.

Someone should go in there and mangle them before I do!

NASA's Odyssey to break Martian long-service record


Fans and Ribbons

my arse!

Those are, of course, the Dune sandworms on their annual migration South.

I know...sigh..I'll get me coat as it's Friday.

Anti-piracy lawyers 'knowingly targeted the innocent', says law body


Infinitives and beyond..

I for one welcome our SRA overlords "knowingly splitting infinities" where no lawyers should have gone before - not if they've been educated proppa anyways!

Sky confirms UK Online closure


A bit of balance!

Whilst I hate evil megalomaniacal firms as much as the next person, I have to say that there are 3 reasons why I recommend Sky - at least for me.

1. I live in an area of piss-poor TV reception, but with my SKY box I get perfect pictures everytime and a built-in record facility to save faffing around with video etc (yes, I have still got a video).

2. SKY broadband has proven to be ultra-reliable and considtent with good customer support (actually I only used it once and the girl at the other end knew what she was talking about)

3. The SKY + Phone package costs peanuts compared to some

4. The unlimited broadband option IS truly unlimited (handy for those pesky Linux distros)

Yes I know that's 4 but who's counting?

So say what you will about Murdoch - his firm delivers and, without it, I'd be kaboozled!

Just my tuppen'orth.

Comet bomber flyby pics show spaceball belching ancient dry ice


Comet? I think not!

What a load of twaddle! It's stating the bleedin' obvious that those are landing lights coming from a rather dusty spaceship and not a comet at all.

I dunno, blinkin' scientists! What do they know eh?

Great white sharks menace Blighty

IT Angle

Great whites

I for one welcome our great white overlords.

Mind you, having been to Newquay, I can say for certain that from what I've seen, the surfers there are far from innocent!

Is US prudishness ruining the internet?

Paris Hilton


Actually I'm more worried about their fundamentalist, religous fanaticism! Wars have been started over this.

Special relationship? Keep it, I'll take my chance with the French - at least we can keep them under control with our archers.

Paris - because, no doubt, her French is exemplary..

NASA buys cutting-edge Cornish robot


Cornish Robot Lesbian Thing

I for one welcome our Cornish Lesbian Overlords...hmm. Don't think I've quite got that right.

Ah well, nice try.