* Posts by Tom

144 publicly visible posts • joined 9 May 2007


Gordon 'to sacky' Wacky Jacqui


@AC 18:05

Hahaha, brilliant :D



If only it was for the real reason she is hated, can't help but feel she is getting off lightly. really she should be sacked for being shit at her job, then arrested and processed for frauding the treasury, which, if you boil it down enough could be classed as treason....

42 days in the cooler? now, THAT would make my day :)

UK.gov delays new data breach powers



really, in a fair world, they should be fining the respective council offices that have been flagged for -under self admission- henous personal data loss then? in a fair world that is, maybe they just don't want to be forced to blazenly sidestep new unpopular law for their own gain...

Can't get a job? Try plastic surgery


not only...

Are the plebites borrowing to have a new face, THEY'RE FUCKING UNEMPLOYED, will someone just nuke the US and have done with it please.

Taking care to properly string up the lenders, ffs, FFS!!!!1111!!11

Prof: Fat ladies don't get to be CEOs, lardy blokes do



After calling bullshit on another piece on the reg, you took the words out of my mouth...

In other news: Men who drive frequently are fatter than their walking counterparts, therefore, regulaly buying petrol makes you fat.

Male chimps strike 'meat for sex' deals

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What's to say that the chimps didn;t have a relationship previously which endeared a partnership which in turn encouraged the sharing of food? you know, like i do with my missis... utterly disgraced with the way scientific research is going these days.

1. think of ridiculous theory

2. find way of observing results to fit your theory

3. write paper of your findings leting everyone know just how much better you have made the world thanks to your awe inspiring jeeneyus

UFO fleet menaces east London


At the risk of...

you lot,

I have seen objects like this in Sheffield before, one arrived, and was swiftly met by two other 'teams' in triangle formation, 2 teams of three, they lined up around the first one, the hung for a moment, then all sped off in the same direction, with the original object left where it first appeared.

this then followed a similar course, albeit much slower. then simply disapered halfway to the horizon.

This was witnessed by three or four people, and we haven't told anyone before, surley to be lambasted as imagining it, etc. from what i saw, they were small, featurless and brilliantly reflective chrome spheres. they did not waiver in the sky, and most deffinatley had controlled vectors.

birds my fucking anus.

Bucks village repels Street View spycar


oh noes, not moor camraz!!

Jacobs concluded: “This is an affluent area. We’ve already had three burglaries locally in the past six weeks. If our houses are plastered all over Google it’s an invitation for more criminals to strike. I was determined to make a stand, so I called the police.”

Well if he lives that close to a sewage works, i'm not suprised he's angry, oh, wait a minute....

@AC 11:42 I see you have office 2007, the space and tabbing options are in the top left task panel ;)

Playboy TV offers 'Jacq off' special package


FAO Inocuous petition masters....

Please search for 'jacqui smith' on the petition search page, you'll be presented with litteraly thousands of already active petitions.

Please wipe the foam from your mouths and form a decent lynch mob as least.

by the way, I saw this lass earlier, I'm ashamed to say it, but the image she protrayed reminded me of the most basic of instincts. Am I going to jail now? I can't work it out these days....

Wacky Jacqui spanked by husband

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The most annoying thing about all this....

Obviously excluding the hideous investment of my taxes, is that if she gets the boot in the next few months, she will refuse to recognise that it was her own doing, and vhermently uphold the belief she was loved by all, placing all blame on her husband for looking at porn. for christ sake woman,

i will not be held responsable if i see your vacant self loving, thick hided, self serving keeshter on morning television again (unless accompanied by the words 'towering inferno'), last week you cost me a pair of trousers, they 'came apart at the seams', ironicaly enough.

For the love of St Micheal (patron saint of of the hook suit trousers).

Pink Floyd's Gilmour backs McKinnon protest gig



Best headline and subtitle this year!

Girls Aloud obscenity trial delayed


@ John Smith

John, don't you dare. we'll all know its you, I do not need any more of an insite into the readers of elreg's minds as is already presented here...

ISS space bio-experiment freezer to return on Discovery


@ other Tom

I beg to differ, metal is not the optimum medium for heat transfer in regards to thermic transport properties, just the easiest to work with all things considered. granted, you can create a gradient to draw heat out with more reliable and constanr results, but over all speed and heat conductivity cannot be beaten by oil and polymers there of.

Maybe you mean metal is by far the most efficiant dissapator of heat? I think that was a very open comment, and probably not worth me thinking about it, but hey, it's wednesday, i'm bored.

all my love, other other Tom

Ex-Star Wars boffins build mosquito-blasting raygun



It is not an oxymoron, moron. it's a contradictory statement.

The words need to be in succesion, IE, 'Beautiful Violence'

Sorry my friend, it's a fine line, and you just had to cross it....


Industry ponders fate of Wacky Jacqui's überdatabase


Kicked in the long grass?

No, just public naysaying, the public impression of general abolition of said IMP, then stealth roll out, used for much more clandestine purposes. Come on, do you think such a breach of privacy, no matter how taylored the law is, could ever be used without opposition in a court of law?

This system will be tantamount in issuing the gaut'mo backbacker a long stay ticket....

Come on, Sir Tim!



TURDS eh? i always knew it...

Polish Spitfire shoots down BNP



Take your name out of capitals, you should know how to present yourself with your obvious omnipotent grasp of the English dialect. Unless your name is ‘Stupid Ignorant Moronic Onanistic Male’

Bashing colloquially written comments takes no effort, done with wit may even produce mirth in your online peers, but dissecting line by line will make you look like a tosser.

Off to the pub on your own tonight by any chance?

Tata to release UK's first 'serious' electric car


It's all in a name...

Where I come from, 'tata' means either goodbye, (ta-tah) or rubbish, like: "don't bother with an iphone mate, you're paying for tata" IE 'shit'.

Almost as good as the cafe' Quim in Barcelona, where the cup always spilleth over...

UK IT should 'fire men first', says Kate Craig-Wood



Are your textual implications correct, she used to be a man, and is now saying that men should be sacked ahead of women? Do i detect the tell tale funk of a very intricate and dangerous personality complex per chance?

Feuding iPhone fart-makers raise legal stink


<title>Lord askwith of windsor</title>

A load of hot air if you ask me...

Missed flight woman goes absolutely mental


@Jim coleman

I love you!

Brit, French nuke subs collide - fail to 'see' each other


FAO Ian fergusson

Great plan, lets mothball all of our DETTERENT fleet. tit.

Joker must retire, insist Heath Ledger fans


Jackky N

Jack Nicholsons was much better! just because of the tradgedy surrounding Heath, people think they need to jump on this stupid bandwaggon, the same effect could be noted when Princess Di Died...

You did what? The trials of supporting remote users


MD troubles

Showing an aged MD how to use the new orders and booking system, I said, 'click on the xxxx' he said 'how?' Now slightly pertubed at what was unravelling, i said he should use the mouse (how the hell are you supposed to tell someone this? here's me thinking i've just not understood him properly), after he hesitated, i gave him a subtle hint by gesticulating in a general mousey maner,

He then picked up the mouse, gave it a scruitenous glower, then proceded to jab it at the monitor, asking 'how does it work, i can't make it go'

Thankfully, he gave up at this point, i didn't have to open my mouth, which is a good job, as i'm not sure what noise would have been emitted.

Another nice one was for national grid was asking a tech to diagnose a problem with his toughbook optial drive, after asking him to describe the state of the drive (which 'wouldn't go in anymore') I was stumped, i asked him to remove the drive again and asked him if any of the connections looked damaged at all, he said 'I can't see any conections, oh, hang on, do you mean all of these wires? I don't think I can attach them again"

The idiot had pulled the tray out of the drive body along with optical array and motor and subsequent ribon looms.

Half Life 2 used for firefight fire drill



"co-worker eating demons, optional chainsaws and barrels of toxic waste blocking doorways"

WHAT!?! the barrels are not an option, every rendered environment since the original doom has exploding barrels, it's the bloody law!

Twitter's veracity chewed up by Britney's four-foot vagina

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Not at all related,

But someone mentioned the funniest thing they've seen all day.

WELL..... has anyone seen the picture of Jacqui Smith posing for the '2009 Government Charity Calendar' posted on news biscuit?

You Haven't!?!?! I best put that right :D


Give that man a milkshake, i love it :)

Fly-tipping yes, dog poo no - Jacqui promises Ripa changes

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To Smith:


RAF in plot against Fleet Air Arm again


Nice one,

I think the reason we all like these articles from Lewis so much is that his narrative compels you to read for 4 pages, and currently, out of the writer on el-reg, he's the only one who can do this (I'm looking firmly at the 'apple report card' crap).

Nice one Lewis, i can only hope someone with the required strong arm reads it.

Profs: Eating Belgian truffles will make you buy a Mac



I wonder if we can get them to do it again, only ask for volunteers for both parties, then select a random number out of each group (eaters and non) of equal proportions, then re-run the test. This would provide much better results as you wouldn't have the closet truffle lovers burning with resent, also would alow you to draw paralels with people predisposition to treating one self and abstenance.

And what was the point in asking them to decline a truffle? wouldn't just giving one half a chocolate suffice?

Infact, the more I think about this, the more it makes me angry at just how pointless and flawed this study was

US WMD report: Dirty bombs, chem weapons are bunk

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@ Other Steve

"A group of two or three people with the appropriate skills could design and fabricate a crude nuclear explosive. It is a sobering fact*** that the fabrication of a primitive nuclear explosive using plutonium or suitable uranium would require no greater skill than that required for the production and use of the nerve agent and released in the Tokyo underground."

What a crap quote, anyone, trained in anything, can acomplish that in which they are trained, surely....

Reg readers in the dark over extreme porn


Hasn't anyone worked it out yet?

The police have absolutley no intention of listening to a word that comes out of 'Subversive Smiths' poluted little mouth, can you not imagine how much extra work she's creating for them? that and the fact she's worse than worthless to our political system, all she has to offer are headaches.

130,000 inflatable jubs missing at sea



I've had a melt down with all the available punning and mirth that can be derived from this story, so therefore i can't do the subject matter any justice in this medium. I'm sorry, there will be no word play issued from the buero today.

Sons of Macintosh - shaking the Apple family tree


That's right!

Lets have an unbiased report on Apple by a former editor of macaddict...

Tosh, i give you a F..... for FAIL

India plants flag on Moon


Indian supremacy:

Guys, i'm not knocking the achievement for what it is, even though the money could've been better spent, but I'd wager on the wording used in this article being lifted from an Indian press release, there was not a flag planting, you crashed a flying engine, with a painting on it, into a large orbiting body.

You can't claim you've joined the moon club, this is just cheating and detracts all other scientific missions and landing with and actual purpose.

what was the purspose of this merry space jaunt, other than the oppertunity to release said press statement?

I'm sorry, it's all just whistles and bells, which is the attitude we get from India, attention grabbing, not paying heed to the actual issues happening to it;s citizens.

French record labels sue, um, SourceForge



Go get yer sen' felt.

Lame Mac Trojan limps into view


^ lmfao ^

I'm really suprises there aren't more trojans relying on blind ignorance, i think they'd be a massive success...


US Justice Department free to track mobile phone users


Aside from...

the aspect of "total visability even when your phone's switched off" that little pearler doesn't require triangulation, unlike GSM, and is far far more accurate.

Auntie Beeb's amazing, evolving, ID card stories


@ Sceptical Bastard RE: Witch

We could try and dunk her, but the little fatty would surley sink, proving her non-witchyness, and therefore giving the current administration ammo for how fallable this 'save the world from the baddies' campaign is. (citing non witchyness)

The DNA database and you


@ first ac RE: 'Eh?'

Ever watched the film 'minority report' maybe the MI5 office you're working from will have a copy in the archive...

Fish snapped snacking at 4,200 fathoms



Because there would have to be a vessel employed to get the air compressed and under the water in the first place, the air would also have to cover the area globe and the sea be at a constant pressure IE, level sea beds and water depth.

BT's third Phorm trial starts tomorrow



Big Tits, and we seem to be the bra...

El Reg dresses The IT Crowd


Almost fell for that!

Until I saw the caviat. 6:30 is a time rarley seen by our kind unless we're on some god awful slipped change.

David Blaine does a Benito Mussolini


Further proof...

That hanging's to good for this fool!

Chrysler plans electric car production model

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Don't shoot! I actually quite like it, it's just how I imagined an electric car would look when I was a wee nipper. Not that i'd have one, but it's deffiantley agreable!

Mills and Boon thrusts into pr0n market


@ Joe

Christ mate, could you have NSFW'd that? I'm going to have to sit here for ten minutes while i subside! and it's home time!

Sun splits DARPA photon-linkage cake with Kotura



That was so poor you made my dog cry :(

Even "I can see the BUS is running behind again"...

Would've been better.

Suicide squirrel knocks out Swiss TV


LMAO, my dear old grandpa would be proud

He had a bird table rigged to the mains for 'detering' squirrels from the bird food, i'm glad to see his work continues...

Robotic hand relief


@ /\ AC

Because the mental images of you and the pocket wizard thing are not half as alluring.



Um, what the hell does it do to you if you abuse these rules, does it slap you and get mardy if you knock the the thing at the end that looks like krang?

NASA: Mars is good habitat for Terry Pratchett dragons


@ Alan

Yes Alan, actual Jelly, not Jam.

Chips any one?