Posts by Paul Hates Handles

Two iPads put a hole through man's wallet stomach

Bit poor

Also, as he turns the viewport into the hole moves in the wrong direction... poor.

Guy spills on girl in weird Huawei tablet teaser

Tip to the Corpse

It's a nod to Cannibal Corpse's ballad "I cum blood".

Also, he needs a doctor.

Boffins develop method of driving computers insane

T-1?

This has to be how Judgement day started.

Bin Laden corpse pics will be malware, says FBI

The truth is...

...they found him via Facebook. It'll get you in the end.

Hamburg vice girls to be serviced by cable car

Also, metal bars

We used to hang out in the Reeperbahn after the Wacken Open Air festival - now thanks to the new transport we can see more Gardening than just the Uphill variety :0)

Watchdog disses City of Medway

Nuke the site from orbit.

As said, it's called "The Medway Towns". It's an area, not a town or city.

It's the Garden of England for a house where people just shit out of the windows. Nuke it from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.

Westboro Baptist Church taunts Anonymous over supposed attack plan

Invitation?

Surely if they tell people to try and hack/DDOS 'em, then they may not be committing a crime... Sorta like when you tell someone to paint your house or get a locksmith to open your door... or ask removal men to take your possessions.

If they're effectively saying "Please attack our websites" then... case closed.

No new strings for Guitar Hero

Not surprising

Ever since they took over with GH3 the franchise has got worse and worse, while Rock Band (made up from the original GH devs) has got better and better. The only good offshoot of this franchise was DJ Hero - all the other crappy pop variants are just awful.

Facebook facing fall-down issues

Who also thought...

...their IT dept had finally blocked facebook at their workplace?

Disconsolate Spanish smokers driven out into blizzard

Re: Re: Simples...

Usage of "Daily Fail" and "Micro$oft" / "M$" also makes people sound like dickheads.

iPhone case makes like a Moleskine

£40?

£40? Why not just get a free bible and gut it? :)

Microsoft says no to Kinect sex game

@Semaj

GTA isn't adult only. I think it's rated "Teen" in the US, though they seem to ignore ratings.

I think they're missing an opportunity. They could use it as a sex ed toy to train them up before they're old enough to do the real thing. They have to learn before doing everything else, so it might do them some good.

'London black cabs to go electric in 2 weeks' – Boris Guardian

Bet...

...it still costs £20 to go anywhere, thieving bastards.

Xbox 360 outsells PS3 2:1

...really?

PS3/XBOX fanboy whining again? Really? Five years on?

I have an xbox myself, it's awesome - but I had the fun of playing on a PS3 again the other day. Also fun. Load time sucked balls but bombing round the race track was awesome.

It's all about the games. That, and we all have about an inch of dust on our Wiis.

Top Ten Retro PC Games

Retro gaming:

Any game where you go "Oh, I remember that!"

People missing the point

Retro_ PC_ games. Lemmings was more of an Amiga / ST (spit) game.

Jet Set Willy was a Speccy game (and 8-bit home computers).

Donkey Kong et al were console games. Myself I'd have added Wolfenstein 3D / Spear of Destiny as ground-breaking to this list. C'est la vie.

Also, the article has the wrong screenshot for Diablo.

Carphone Warehouse slashes Samsung Galaxy Tab price

I thought the point...

...was to be half the price of the iPap?

Doctor Who touches down in US of A

...really?

Will it be actually in the desert in the US, or just in a back room of Wickes in Cardiff with 25 bags of sand? :D

Koran-burning 'pastor' loses website

Who can make...

...a tshirt of a badger with the pastor's head fellating a donkey? That'd be a top seller :)

Crooks said swiped church funds were for sex crime victims

Insurance?

Isn't that God's job? Surely only a non-believer would have insurance!

Ads watchdog: PS3 graphics 'discernibly' better than Xbox

meh

It's just the in-game FMV coming from bluray instead of a more compressed format. In one game.

Better ingame video != better graphics... Meh.

Papal crackdown on bare-kneed tourists sparks hypocrisy claims

One word...

...mankini.

Though I'm disturbed they don't own the land though; I suppose that means my dream of being deported from The Vatican will never happen :/

Blighty's stealth robojet rolls out a year late

Did they...

...import the parts from Gadgetzan?

Blizzard climbs down on real names for WoW forums

More useful...

...would be if the forum IDs could be clicked on to reveal all characters by a person.

It'd cut down on the bell-ends making lvl 1 alts to bitch at people.

Wow, though - people have really got sand in their vaginas about this whole issue. The idea was decent but not really that great for security for accounts with poor security to start with, but Blizzard don't really deserve the level of bile they're getting from Knee-jerk nublets.

3D TV: Avatar or Ishtar?

Meeeeh

The proper 3D TVs I saw this year that offer a 3D image without the use of glasses were pretty good (though some were a big gash, too), but after half an hour or so I'd want a normal 2D picture again...

Mobile group drops Java price against Apple and Android

Eh?

Company charges money to do what people usually do themselves? What?

Skype to start charging for iPhone VoIP

Meh

It's silly - the mobile calls are basically data calls like skype calls anyway... 'cept more likely to get dropped or not connect.

Final Fantasy XIII

Interesting

I'm quite surprised the PS3 version ended up looking better than the 360 version. Epic install times \o/ :D

oh...

...how come the review is out now, 3 months after everyone else has reviewed it?

Second man jailed over Scientology DDoS attacks

Gah

I'm sure they weren't $20,000 out of pocket, and this really doesn't warrant a year of someone's life...

No refunds for ID card pioneers

Idiot tax...

...for failure to see a monumentally bad idea and implementation when it rears its ugly head :)

F*ck you, thunders disgruntled fanboi Apple user

I can't jump because...

...I don't crash!

(The plane then gets three bombs and blows up)

Germans plan to make 'synthetic natural' gas from CO₂

German technology!

Is there NOTHING those people can't do with gas? :)

Parliament to turn itself into computer game for young ones

How about...

Grand Theft Ballot. Or Grand Theft Bastard.

Reverse-engineering artist busts face detection tech

Hasn't this been done before?

When they first started installing the mega-expensive facial recognition systems in US airports didn't they establish that they don't really work very well to start with? Change your hat, grow a beard, don't sleep for a day or two and boom! Everyone thinks you're Lady Gaga.

Apple bails out Google

I don't get it.

The monopolies thing is all bollocks anyway. Just because Google are huge doesn't mean they're the only people who can serve ads.

One fifth of humans say aliens walk among us

I suppose...

...it's possible - but then a large proportion of people also believe in an invisible man who is everywhere judging them and letting his friends touch your kids...

Tories offer automated boring of friends and neighbours

Fuck it...

...execute all the heads of each party.

Then have the Queen cherry-pick five people from each of the three parties to find people who might actually run the country rather than keep trying to bullshit their way up popularity contests.

Have everyone else in the parties and all other parties executed.

The remaining fifteen are to work together to make one party which will get 10 years to not be cunts. 20 if they're nice. After that, we can return to a voting system with multiple parties - it should give us enough time to have people educated into what the fuck the government is doing and what it should be allowed to do.

If we're lucky it won't be any worse than voting for what cunt we think is the least likely to be a lying fuckwit with no sense whatsoever.

Fanboi's delight - the top ten free iPad apps

Nice...

...iVories. Pun-tastic.

British Gas signs Voda so meters can snitch direct

Nice

That'd be good for me if my 'leccy company did it - the fuckers never come and read my meter; I always get "Estimated by pulling numbers directly out of my arse".

Boy, 4, presses dad's iPhone, wins £500 eBay auction

Er...

...don't you have to type your password in when you buy it now or bid? :)

Commodore 64 reincarnated as quad-core Ubuntu box

Meh

Doesn't have ANY of the charm of the C=64 :-/ And the internal drives and stuff just make it half a laptop. Fail.

Aussie smoko-proofing drug prevents ill effects of cigs

What Chris said...plus...

You're just as likely to get lung cancer from passive smoking as from not being near smoke at all, so if this works then all the anti-smoking arguments kinda fall over :D

One in four UK schoolkids admits hacking

1 in 4?

I'm sure it's more like 4 in 4...

And my nuts is that "hacking". Just like looking in the drawer you think dad hides the porn in isn't burglary.

El Reg insults 'millions of Irish Catholics'

@jimbolauski

Yeah, but the IRA are chilled out at the moment - as we learned from Star Trek TNG they win in 2024.

'Death knell' for Eye-o-Sauron™ US border stare-towers

Here's an idea...

...instead of spending all that time and effort blocking Mexico...

Open the borders. Completely.

Then spend the cash assisting Mehico in various ways until they don't feel the need to go to the US for a better life / money.

Improve their quality of life, set up import/export and then it'll just be like an unofficial state.

Bloggers spring 'baccy happy landlord from slammer

@Greenalien

Smokers aren't all a minority. Most of the pubs I used to drink in were 70% smokers.

Now two of those pubs are closed and the other is often empty. All because some assholes don't want people to smoke. Fuck this stupid nanny state. If you don't like smoke, go elsewhere. People will run non-smoking pubs to cater to the specialists. Hell, some pubs can have smoking rooms...

Desktop refresh cycles: How long is yours?

When it breaks

I still have my 3.2GHz P4 system as a backup, and my 2.4GHz Core 2 Duo system is starting to show age... but it'll still do me for another two years yet I reckon.

LibDems drop net blocking, blame activists

Music downloading...

Things like blogs with rapidshare links are responsible for a good portion of my salary being spent on buying albums. I'll download 10 or 15 albums, listen to them and then buy everything by the 3 or 4 bands I like.

I need money to buy new shoes :(

Apple details iPad's 'breakthrough' mobile contract

This sounds more like...

...a fool and his money are easily parted.