* Posts by Il Midga di Macaroni

159 publicly visible posts • joined 17 Feb 2009

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BOFH: Monitor mount moans end in Beancounter beatdown

Il Midga di Macaroni

BOFH vs the beancounters is back!

It's been a while! I'm a big fan of the recent BOFH innovations but it's great to hear the classics too!

BOFH: Ah. Company-branded merch. So much better than a bonus

Il Midga di Macaroni

Re: Employee-originated and funded

We did something similar for a farewell gift for a well loved manager who enjoyed his cup of coffee (and also treated coffee break time as a form of Management By Wandering Around). It was received well from all accounts.

Il Midga di Macaroni

Re: Cheapo USB key

The store doesn't get those profits, the reseller does. And the reseller will make it a condition that the store offers both and with a price difference of at least a certain percentage. And just to be sure they'll have a nation wide monopoly on the big brands, so the store has to buy through them.

Il Midga di Macaroni
FAIL

I'd rather just not get a gift

A certain company had been well known for its employee Christmas gifts for years (a bench top BBQ WTCLOI, a picnic cooler bag with built in boom box WTCLOI, company themed monopoly game, etc) but at the change of a managing director, influenced by a few people in HR who think Christmas gifts are heteronormative and white supremacist, it dropped off sharply. The first year under the new MD we got four Lindt chocolate balls in a paper gift bag. This year we got a pair of socks. Seriously, I'd rather they just decide not to give gifts.

BOFH: We send a user to visit Kelvin – Keeper of the Batteries

Il Midga di Macaroni

Meta-bastardry

Killing off users is so passe. Using users as a foil to kill off other annoyances? That's pro level bastardry.

BOFH: Generating a report the Director can show the Board – THIS is what AI was made for

Il Midga di Macaroni

Re: Hey, wait a minute!

That sounds to me like a very early episode. Maybe ChatGPT hasn't caught up with the 20+ years of BOFH on El Reg?

BOFH and the case of the Zoom call that never was

Il Midga di Macaroni

I can't use presentation mode because our company PowerPoint template (that we *must* use for all company presentations) is somehow corrupted and displays the dot points in reverse order. So everyone sees my full deck at the left, but it doesn't help them because they don't know when I'm going to insert a highly unofficial joke into the presentation.

Il Midga di Macaroni

Re: We have some of the old projectors still hanging there..

At my place of attendance they took down all the instructions, refused to fix any broken cables etc and just allowed the users to sort themselves out - ie they implicitly discouraged hybrid meetings. You either gather everyone in a room, or you put everyone on Teams and allow them all to work from home on their own laptop and headset. It works like a dream.

BOFH and the office security access upgrade

Il Midga di Macaroni

Is BOFH trying to keep people away?

The more inconvenient it is for the great unwashed to work from the office, the more likely they are to work from home. The more they work from home, the less likely they are to disturb the peace and quiet by trying to barge into mission control.

They might ring, but a deft >clickety< to remotely drop their connection will soon sort that out.

BOFH: Would I lie to you, Boss?

Il Midga di Macaroni

I can't recall

Sounds like the politicians in Melbourne, the world's most locked down city, when questioned about their "bat flu" response.

BOFH: Tech helps HR investigate the Boss's devices

Il Midga di Macaroni
Coffee/keyboard

Keeping it fresh

SimonT has hit an inspired streak. BOFH has been around for nearly 30 years and all the old fans are expecting the boss to be the fall guy yet again - but this time the boss is just a pawn in the game to take down the bigger bait (and net the Dynamic Duo some dosh too). It's a very elaborate form of meta humour.

BOFH: Gaming rig for your home office? Yeah right

Il Midga di Macaroni

Gaming from home

I once had a colleague KVM from his work computer to his own during a long and very dreary meeting. His expression was correctly studious and attentive, but the reflections on his face of explosives and gunfire from his first person shooter were a dead giveaway.

There is no truth to the rumours that he was playing against someone else who was equally bored by the same meeting (your honour).

BOFH: All hail the job cuts consultant

Il Midga di Macaroni
Go

BOFH has excelled himself

His ability to hoist the boss on his own petard using clever technology and low cunning is what we know and love about the BOFH. Raising the stakes to board level is just that much better.

BOFH: Time to put the Pretty Dumb F in PDF reader

Il Midga di Macaroni

Alliteration

"Buggier than a bullfrog's breakfast" is going to join "Probably as problematic as a politician's promises" in my descriptions of v1.00 of everything I write.

BOFH: You'll find there's a company asset tag right here, underneath the monstrously heavy arcade machine

Il Midga di Macaroni

Re: A little power

The only worse place is south of the keyboard next to the touchpad... right where the users wrists will be as they type. Six months of exposure to the salts and oils in human skin and bam, one completely blank asset label.

BOFH: Pass the sugar, Asmodeus, and let the meeting of the Fellowship of Bastards … commence

Il Midga di Macaroni
Holmes

Re: The weedy bloke

I have trained many, many new PFYs, some male, some female, most green and keen, some healthily cynical. I always start with a brief explanation of the pecking order in the company (me, then the other data sysadmins in my team, then the software sysadmins, then their boss, then sundry bit players like marketing, suppliers, HR, etc). Almost all of them have gone on to happy and productive careers, and those that don't, well, they don't last long. Moral of the story: knowing your job is important, but knowing how to avoid idiots is utterly vital.

Back on topic: I'd like to nominate the author of SharePoint to this gathering of bastards, with a view to making him/her the chairman when the current one resigns/dies of old age/is helped under a taxi after annoying Simon or Stephen. I've used a countless number of poorly designed software packages over the years (including, I'll admit, several of my own making), and my conclusion is that SharePoint is so wilfully bad that it must have been deliberately designed to be so. Not just designed to "encourage" users onto a more expensive product, like Photoshop Elements, not just hastily put together and in desperate need of some attention, like Stibo Workbench, but actually designed to drive its users over the edge. Who knows, maybe the project manager owns a chain of pubs and wanted to drive people to the bottle. Speaking of which, thanks Simon and have one on me.

BOFH: They say you either love it or you hate it. We can confirm you're going to hate it

Il Midga di Macaroni
Holmes

Hidden message?

Is SimonT actually talking about human rather than computer viruses? And how they get distributed via a plausible sounding expert and an idiot on the inside? If so the reason justice hasn't yet been served on Jim is because it hasn't yet been served on the culprits IRL.

That said, if the BOFH is on form Jim won't suffer anything as mundane as a fall from a window or a cattleprod-carpet-quicklime operation. It'll be something special - probably involving him "offering" to help clean up the mess and then being found, along with his mate the idiot on the inside, en flagrant and smeared in Marmite having unfortunately passed away in the middle of a particularly depraved act together.

Greener Arctic may be down to lemming poo, not climate

Il Midga di Macaroni
Joke

Aha!

So lemmings jump off cliffs because of climate change?

Whinging Brits reflect on epic Oz road trip

Il Midga di Macaroni
Pint

Whinge FAIL

I've heard better whinges from locals complaining about it taking too long to bring a glass of red.

Boeing 787 Dreamliner makes first commercial flight

Il Midga di Macaroni
Pint

Target was exceeded

All the targets outlined at launch time were met or exceeded. IIRC the weight problem was offset by aerodynamic improvements.

Il Midga di Macaroni
Thumb Up

REALLY flappy

One of the normal tests a new aircraft undergoes is that they take a wing and bend it til it breaks. With the 787 they took it to the full capacity of their hydraulic jacks and it still didn't break - so they asked special permission to skip the test, because they said if it takes that much force to break it the broken piece is going to fly around and puncture something.

Telstra's branding plans leaked to El Reg

Il Midga di Macaroni
Thumb Up

Service is where it starts and ends

Spot on!

To become Australia's best loved brand, guarantee that the phone will be picked up within 30 seconds, that the IVR system will be two levels deep or less, and that the people in the call centre will be able to solve your problem.

Ohio man cuffed for shagging inflatable pool raft

Il Midga di Macaroni
Thumb Down

Neither ADD nor autism are an excuse

Both are very common and normal. He just has a problem with not knowing when it's appropriate to beat the meat.

Here lies /^v.+b$/i

Il Midga di Macaroni
Joke

By peer?

Wouldn't that indicate you were murdered by a member of the House of Lords?

'Evil' truckie charged with NBN provider attack

Il Midga di Macaroni
Mushroom

Just toast his account, how hard can it be?

All this stuff with criminal charges is pointless. Just toast his account and quietly tip off any other ISPs about his activities, and BOOM, he's out of action.

The IT industry has its own justice, which is faster, simpler and WAY more effective than the court system.

Canada buys Obama's reject Brit choppers for spare parts

Il Midga di Macaroni
Facepalm

A lesson in standardisation

Let's just settle on a few helicopter types - Bell 412 up to 2t capacity, Black Hawk up to 5t, Chinook above that. Once you have an airframe you can do anything you like with it.

Is there anything to find on bin Laden's hard drive?

Il Midga di Macaroni
Big Brother

Exactly!

Furthermore, it's not at all unlikely that the US government would be able to gain access to a bank of Crays large enough to crack a 256-bit key within a reasonable timeframe. All it takes is grunt. And all that needs is money.

Il Midga di Macaroni
Paris Hilton

Porn... mmm.

No, seriously - if there was porn on Osama's hard drive it would tarnish his reputation with his followers. That would actually be a highly effective way of ending the war on terror, if their revered leader was indulging in one of the evil pastimes of the western infidels, what's left to fight for?

It's like the security measure they proposed just after 9/11 - legislate that a stripper be rostered onto every commercial flight. If there's a hijacking, she goes into action. Muslim men aren't allowed to look on the body of a woman, so they'd have to cancel the hijacking. As a bonus, every businessman in the world would want to fly just in case there's a hijacking - free striptease!

Paris because... isn't it obvious?

Australia might need the NBN, but the OECD data is meaningless

Il Midga di Macaroni
Grenade

Malcolm Turnbull is a waste of perfectly good oxygen

He really is the weakest link in the Opposition. If the nation is to be saved the burden of $50bn of debt, we need a better comms spokesperson - and let's face it, Conroy should be a complete pushover!

No stranger to the moleskin trouser

Il Midga di Macaroni
Heart

Love it!

Verity if you keep writing like this I'm going to be slapped with an ASBO for excessive loud laughter.

Australia, give up your fixed broadband!

Il Midga di Macaroni
Thumb Up

Correct

People use landline internet connections because 3G is so expensive. And because coverage is fairly spotty.

BTW, nice username. :D

South Brisbane residents to get FTTP ahead of NBN

Il Midga di Macaroni
Pint

Exactly!

Telstra should have been split into wholesale and retail at the beginning! That way their wholesale customers aren't competing against their major supplier.

And then Telstra Wholesale could have handled the NBN rollout on their own, we wouldn't need an NBN Co. And they could have done it like this, bit by bit when it needs to be done, which would reduce the price drastically.

Oh, and that $11bn of taxpayer money NBN Co paid to Telstra for the use of the ducts? Yeah.

South West Trains puts squeeze on commuters

Il Midga di Macaroni
Flame

Get a life!

Out here in the colonies we have 3+2 seating on all our long distance trains (and most of our short distance trains too). And they only go 70mph so they take longer to get there.

I've made the trip to the mother country several times and let me tell you, you have NOTHING to complain about with regard to your trains. Nothing at all.

ISP proposes independent body to police copyright

Il Midga di Macaroni
Black Helicopters

iiNet are smart, therefore won't succeed

With this paper iiNet have done the impossible - found a solution which isn't ideal but is at least bearable for all parties. It's a very clever idea - and therefore will be rejected by the people who have to make it happen. The IT industry doesn't sit well with legacy institutions like governments.

BTW I'm not employed by iiNet or anything - although I do use them as my ISP and find their tech support excellent.

Australian utility evaluates EV charging kit

Il Midga di Macaroni
FAIL

You're doing it wrong

Guys, guys, guys! It's much simpler than that! Just make the electric vehicles run off 120-240V 50Hz AC, ship them with a power cord specific to the country, and everyone's problem is solved.

You know, like the way computer manufacturers have done it for years.

DUH.

BOFH: There's no 'I' in team, but there's a 'u' in suck

Il Midga di Macaroni
Pint

OH&S presents so many opportunities to the BOFH

If the boss ever lasted long enough to learn from his mistakes, or if the higher-ups on the corporate ladder were a little higher up on the evolutionary ladder, someone would eventually decide that the BOFH and PFY really need an extra £10,000 a year expense account for safety-related items. For instance, six beers at each lunchtime would prevent users from annoying them, thus reducing user fatalities. It's a small price to pay!

Also, the company safety manuals should be rewritten. The #1 rule of computing is DON'T HASSLE THE BOFH. It should be written in 36pt type on page 1 of the safety manual. And in 18pt type at the bottom of every other page.

Greece tells Siemens it wants damages

Il Midga di Macaroni
Paris Hilton

Of course it won't hurt Greece's debt levels will it?

Make a multinational pay a stack of euros into the treasury, that's a good way to inject capital into debt-ridden Europe.

Paris because she's in Europe too.

Aussies demand Poms cough up first 'Australia' map

Il Midga di Macaroni
Pint

Students, politicians and academics? Smells like trouble.

Come on Poms, surely you have groups of students, politicians and academics that come up with idiotic ideas? And you wouldn't want us to think the whole country felt the same way?

If you lot want to send the map over for a touring museum for the anniversary of Flinders' death I reckon that'd be a nice gesture. But in 2015 you can take the bloody thing back again, I don't want to have to pay the power bills for the climate controlled room it has to live in.

And of course if you don't want to come to the party we'll just send Warnie over to beat your whole cricket team single handed. And have affairs with half your female population.

Beer because I can't be bothered arguing.

'NBN is like a bathroom' says opposition, BCA agrees

Il Midga di Macaroni
Flame

The NBN isn't even worth building!

$43 billion is the figure that's been thrown around, and the rationale behind it is so rubbery (as well as being kept out of view of the public) that industry people are saying it'll be something like $10bn on top of that.

And for what? I know we keep hearing about doctor's consultation rooms via webcam and online education - but really, it's mainly going to be used for streaming movies and BitTorrent.

In any case, none of that NEEDS fibre-to-the-home. If we spent even $5bn extending the quality connections currently available only in big cities out to the country we'd have all we need.

Il Midga di Macaroni
Thumb Down

Are you bloody kidding?

It was because they were half hearted in opposing it that they didn't get in at the last election!

Google Apps contracts promise no 'scheduled downtime'

Il Midga di Macaroni
Pint

You didn't read the article!

They can promise no scheduled downtime *to the end user* because they have redundancy across multiple data centres. Anyone who knows anything about networking has looked at Google's operation purely because it's a brilliantly elegant way of taking reliability past that seemingly impossible 99.95% barrier.

For my operations, the only outages I'm afraid of are the ones that originate in the browser - since Google Docs is Java heavy, and most implementations of Java are leaky in the extreme, it's possible for my people to get major problems if they don't close and reopen the browser every few hours. If Mozilla, Opera, Safari, Chrome et al could lick that problem they'd have done humanity a real service.

Beer because it's Saturday out here in Australia.

The Girl with the NSObject Class Reference tattoo

Il Midga di Macaroni
Pint

Happy New Year Verity!

Thanks. Have a beer or three.

Google aims Nexus S smartphone at US, UK

Il Midga di Macaroni
WTF?

HD is overrated anyway

People go ga-ga over HD because it's big and clear and all that. But really, that doesn't apply to a phone screen! 16:9, 15:9, 4:3, what's the difference?

SMOKIN' HOT BABE gets job as computer geek

Il Midga di Macaroni
Paris Hilton

Spot on

Exactly - and don't stop there. Where's her set of mini screwdrivers?

Paris because - isn't it obvious?

BOFH: BOFH vs Bot: Ultimate Smackdown

Il Midga di Macaroni
Grenade

I spy strangers!

Looks like we have a manager in the house... someone get a fire going and heat up the tar, I'm just going out to the chooks coop to look for feathers.

Any IT person who accepts a position in management has ipso facto admitted that they were never a true IT person in the first place. The wiring of the brain that makes a person good at programming (or actually anything IT) also makes a person a bad manager - and vice versa.

Facebook set to unveil 'Gmail killer'

Il Midga di Macaroni
Flame

If they want any market penetration at all...

... they'd better work on the reliability of their code. Facebook beats every piece of software I've ever worked with (bar one accounting package which had just been hastily recoded - shoddily - to handle networks, back when they were a novel concept) for the sheer pervasiveness of its weird bugs and inconsistencies. I've never actually lost data, but I've been given false-negative notifications of its existence countless times.

BOFH: Join the club

Il Midga di Macaroni
Pint

What a line!

Ironing out bugs - with a #2 Iron.

Simon, if you ever run short of beer you can rely on me for several.

Microsoft, Adobe merger? Yeah, right

Il Midga di Macaroni
Gates Horns

Won't happen

Remember they tried to get hold of Yahoo too?

Android is turning a profit for Google

Il Midga di Macaroni

Smartphone mania is growing

We know internet usage from phones is growing at a fairly incredible rate, and that Android devices are out-performing the market in growth rate. Surely that pretty well adds up to what Schmidt is saying?

iPhone makes many Aussies late/early for work

Il Midga di Macaroni
Joke

Do I have to be the first to say it?

I come from a land down under, whose kangaroo-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think iPhones are a pretty neat idea.

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