Posts by Keith Turner

Prince sends army of lawyers to take on Pirate Bay

Purple rain or golden shower

It looks like the web is now the pension plan for the purple knob-head. Gives away CD then sets his hounds to sniff out anyone even considering downloading -- well, just about anything.

I'm waiting for the knock on the door when the men in suits demand my tins of Prince's sardines - "It's got his name in it, therefore he owns it!"

I pity the young royals when they get a letter for 'cease and desist' of the word 'Prince' in their title.

What if I dyed a dog purple and called it 'Prince'?

Cyber-jihad fails to materialise

Takeover

"and its IP address continues to point to 127.0.0.1"

I'm going to take over my router?

Too late mateys, BT already cause things to run slow.

Bacteria to blame for global warming?

It's a viral advert?

S'obvious innit.

It was placed on the net by a company that sells anti-bacterial products.

Next, the T.V. ads

"Now, not only can you be assured that all your kitchen is clean - AND it smells great - NOW you've done the cleaning you can put your feet up and be proud you've also helped save the planet"

(all our products are biodegradable, just that it may take a few million years)

Program automating online jihad found in the wild

Asking for it

"For one thing, the system has no fast-flux network or other decentralized command-and-control features, so it would be relatively easy for someone to take it down."

Or possibly easy to take it over and control an established network where the idealists believe they are attacking their enemies but end up attacking PartyPoker (again).

Yeah, if I were that way inclined I'd wait a bit and even maybe encourage its use amongst those eager to topple the West before using it for my own evil ends.

Fans beseige Shilpa Shetty's mobe

Are any of you lot women? re:'Oi, Lester'

For uttering the word 'mobe' the punishment is akin to stoning.

You will be put up against the wall and have personal communication devices hurled at you until you either die or promise to refrain from using such profane language.

Right, got it?

Anyone saying 'mobe will . .

Oi, I was only saying 'mobe' 'cos . . .

Oh, bugger

Croydon unleashes cyberwar on barking dogs

Fun time in Croydon

Right then, I'm off to buy a shedload of 'barking dog' doorbells.

They only need a small timer to set them off, say, once every twenty minutes or so.

Mind you, the likelyhood of getting shot planting electronic devices increases a wee bit.

Not entirely sure what the point of it is other than being a publicity exercise demonstrating that the council have spent more money on trying to bring a shine to a lack-lustre jobbie.

Kylie Minogue launches social networking site

No tour = no cash?

As many artistes now admit that touring brings in more dosh than recording is this an attempt to keep the fans happy until a tour is sorted?

Or is it a desperate attempt to keep in the eye/ear of the public to prop up a dwindling audience.

Ah, a quick look at the site shows it looks to be a sort of replacement for the tour to promote the new album. Plenty of older stuff to download and buy. The message board is full of the usual 'come and look at my site' stuff, only one seems to have grasped the full meaning of the Kylie experience. "I understand Kylie is a singer. I however remember her most from weekday lunchtimes bunking off school in neighbours. She has a very nice bottom"

Congestion charge dodgers register Bentleys as minicabs

AICMFP

"is our capital city really so full of PC dungaree wearing fagasexuals that they actually embrace that commie twat"

You are Jim Davidson and I claim my five pounds.

Downing Street's website, the e-petitions hit tart

Not much difference between this and 'consultation' and 'Reader's Poll's'

In the old days (possibly pre-Blair) 'consultation' used to mean something was actually talked about and those in power listened (possibly). These days it means that they are telling you what they are about to do and they don't give a toss what you think. The amount of glossy leaflets and money spent on 'consultation' in considerable but the masses seem to believe they are getting a say in what goes oh around them.

The on-line petitions are no different with folks having their say and assuming that someone is paying attention back in Westminster.

No different from 'Reader's Poll's' in the papers except that HM gov haven't sorted out the phone-in part yet - which would invoke a round of 'yet another stealth tax' comments thus increasing the revenue.

Carnegie Mellon wins the robotic Urban Challenge

The current robot cars are rubbish

Since the introduction of Twat Nav we are seeing more taxis with little screens in them. The drivers have no idea where they are going and just enter the destination - happy to know that their customers will be delivered quickly and safely.

Trouble is that they rely on the Twat Nav and end up in all sorts of odd places piloted by a clueless driver.

The black cabs without little screens but a large interactive local mapping database are still superior as the cabbie has done the knowledge and can leave the cab to auto-pilot while entertaining the fare with anecdotes about cameras, immigrants and how Jeremy Clarkson is just misunderstood.

No-one had yet appeared to mention another use for robotcabs -- call a cab and get it to deliver a parcel to a destination. Both the parcel and cab can use the same GPS info and the parcel does a big atishoo* at exactly the right place.

*see Robert Rankin's 'Snuff Fiction'

ANPR bags alleged uninsured pirate godfathers

Free?

Where's the free drugs?

Am I living in the wrong part of town?

Tarzan's yell must be written in music for trademark registration

AaaAAaaAAargh

Is that Native American chappie's name still free or do people have to pay a small fee each time the jump out of planes?

Paris angle -- aren't folks supposed to yell like Tarzan when leaping off the top of wardrobes?

21CN: It's not the data saviour

It's not the data saviour . . .

. . . it's the M25

Same traffic rules appears to apply.

You provide wider roads and the amount of traffic will rapidly increase to cause congestion.

So the providers throw in things like 'variable speed limits' to try and give everyone a chance of getting on the motorway. Everyone can get on the motorway but now it's all slowed down.

The providers then say 'we didn't promise high speeds but we did say we make it possible to get on to the motorway.

But when you're stuck in a crawl on the fast lane you can't even get off and head for the back roads as they've all been dug up to make room for the motorway.

Broadband these day never promises speed --only connection.

Police tackle crime hotspots with scary warning poster

Just like the web

"Have you noted the tendency of public-private partnerships of this ilk to concentrate on the marketing side, rather than the operational? We know we have."

Content be buggered, it's all about advertising revenue.

Then they claim ( all politicians do this) "We've spent £x million on crime prevention".

Racist Reg ignores Nigerian helicopter pioneer

Racist??

Hmm, at the risk of describing the pot as having the same patina from being placed in the fire I'm not entirely sure where the 'racist' angle is.

You've slagged off a white bloke for the standard 'they're all the same' generalisation, the 419 angle is a geographic thang and not a colour (sorry that's color for those overseas) issue and because you missed a barmy inventor who just happens to be Nigerian the Reg ends up being tarred and feathered.

(PC rants are usually form those who have demanded that 'something must be done' then moan like F@#k when it is)

Can we have a WTF icon, please

Fight malware by upgrading to Vista, urges MS

Red rags and bovine stuff

"Systems running Microsoft’s latest operating system recorded 60 per cent less malware infections than XP"

Give 'em a chance, they're still having fun with XP/ME/W98 users.

Gang attempted to pass £500,000 notes, court told

Blackadder

"I have a cunning plan . . ."

Technology is root of all evil, says IMF

pots, kettles

Where does the money that the IMF has come from?

What produces huge returns on investment?

How have all these rich folks at the IMF got rich and how do they rapidly update their portfolios?

Ah yes -- technology.

Are they saying "We've filled our boots with profits from you lot. Now we're comfy we'll put a stop to it all. Can't have the poor people getting techy stuff, they'll only start sending reports from sweatshops and ruin our profits."

"How can you tell it's the king?"

"He's the only one not covered in shit like the rest of us!"

Comcast busted for bagging BitTorrents (again)

Modern AOL?

AOL used to be proud of their 'walled garden' approach or maybe 'Nanny State' would be closer -- 'here is what we reckon you should be accessing'.

This is more like getting rid of the wall but putting a chaperone on the customers 'do what you want but we know what you're up to and won't let you do anything we don't want you to do'.

Like having your mum and dad vetting all your mates and potential partners or even worse, like being back at school only bringing certain friends home for tea.

Igor-style human, animal parts assembly on horizon

Igors on demand

"I need an Igor many projects that require a slave/ strong backed henchman to lift heavy components etc castles are expensive and I just can't pay a real employee right now"

You are Terry Pratchett* and I claim my five pounds.

*for the unenlightened read 'Carpe Jugulum'.

Igor - a man of many parts - some of them are family heirlooms

(doesn't need a Paris angle - just a bit of tissue will do to grow a new one)

Xbox 360 wrests US sales lead from Wii

Until . . .

Star Wars on the Wii

Halo might be good but how many will resist the temptation to waggle a light saber - if the Ars Warts nuts hadn't got a Wii by now then they'll flock to the shops when the game's released (and the expensive controller add-on).

Boeing trumpets 'relevant battlefield laser' raygun

"I'm trying to aquire a target - can you wait a minute?"

So, it can damage stationary airborne drones.

It's like asking the enemy sentry to look the other way while you stab him in the back.

Test shooting of aerial targets is generally done with the compliance of the targets - they know where they are coming from, what they are and the targets are usually painted to assist the laser - either for targeting or heat transfer.

The youtube clip is an advert - approach it the same way as any wonder product ad.

Pennsylvania woman in legal doo-doo for lav profanities

my cup runneth over

So, you've got a leaky, overflowing bog and you're none too happy with it. Faced with trying to contain a leak that is getting in to the kitchen you express your displeasure.

Then some twat comes and doesn't offer to help but has a pop at you for slagging off your own sewage.

Maybe an offer of help would have improved matters.

Paris and IT angles:

New 'recording' from Paris - how much like a semi-polished turd will it be.

How much processing is required to get a Paris tune finished.

Onetime Google nemesis cranks click-fraud crusade

Adverts v's content

what with this and the 'problems' with Ad block it just goes to show that t'internet is all about advertising revenue and no-one gives a toss about content.

Content is just to lure unsuspecting punter to adverts - not much else matters.

Social networking? social engineering is more like it.

TV for those who enjoy massacres

Real porn?

While the righteous right go on about nekkid wimmin they still advocate the worst form of porn that of the industry of killing and maiming.

They always get a stiffy from seeing them forriners get what's coming to them.

3,000 chickens paralyse central Scotland

time for all those awful chicken jokes?

Police report that the road network has been completely clucked up as a result of too many chickens crossing highways.

Fowl play is suspected

MP warns against Microsoft monopoly in e-gov services

inertia?

I had a brief e-mail chat with support people for my local council website as I couldn't use half the 'features' including viewing local services mapping.

Basically, their reply was "The ignorant bastards haven't a clue about what happens in the real non-M$ world and we're fed up with people asking us when the powers that be will wake up. Well, it ain't gonna happen 'cos they are pig-ignorant and are happy to waste all the council tax funds on crap that only half the people can see. But they can still say they have a website so everything is fine."

"Oh, and we also can't use it at home unless we stop using Firefox"

DA suppressed Alabama Baptist pastor autopsy

Oranges are not the only fruit

He really did love that latex.

Was he in training to be a Tory peer?

Nintendo limbers up for Wii Fit

Not out for Christmas? -- phew

I'm one who will be hoping it's not out for xmas.

My kids will buy one if it is.

I'm fit enough already from the Wii with all the boxing and bowling and tennis and the rest.

Currency launched to cover the cosmos

cashless society

I thought we were gong towards electronic cash and getting rid of the hard stuff.

We'll all be chipped up and will just need to present part of ourselves towards a reading device that the other person has.

No doubt with humans it will be some form of universal gesture such as a handshake. But what will we do when faced with some of the alien ATM's - which part of us is supposed to be placed where?

Brain-sucking parasitic killer menaces warming lake waters

Not the meek after all

Does this mean that global warming will see us humans off in a non-cinematic way?

No big rocks, no tsunamis, no continental-sized fires?

Just tiny bugs.

Or is it a zombie plague instead?

Natures way of dealing with humans - get rid of them, see what emerges from the swamps next time.

Microsoft shouts 'Long Live XP'

egg on faces

"UK retail chain PC World blamed the non-take off of Vista for an over-stock problem in its most recent results, with CEO John Clare saying “gross margins have been materially impacted as a result of increased promotional activity to reduce one-off hardware stock levels that resulted from lower than expected demand for Vista products.” "

Oh yeah?

How about "We never really ask our customers what they want, we only buy stuff on the recommendation of sales promoters from our major suppliers."

Or " We really screwed up on this one, never saw it coming."

While I'm waiting for a Linux distro for oldish laptops with wireless and on-board graphics chips, I'm relieved to know that I will be able to rebuild a machine that would struggle to run Vista but is happy with XP.

(or we told 'em so)

So, what's the first rule of Reg Club?

tenuous links to IT

Any article must have some form of link to IT - no matter if it does appear to be grasping at carbon nano-tube straws.

Second rule -- any mention of 'Paris' or 'Hilton' (whether city, plaster of, hotel chain or not) negates the first rule.

Ramones sticksman sues Apple and Wal-Mart

Gabba Gabba Hey

So why doesn't he just 'Beat on the runt with a baseball bat' instead.

Yup, punk is dead -- it's all corporate and litigation these days.

If he's stuck for something to do he can always 'go and sniff some glue'

Oz burglar had sex with Hoover

Henry is innocent

I bet it wasn't a Henry but the smaller, pink version - the Hetty.

Flashing her eyelashes at him, the poor innocent housebreaker.

She led him in to it with promises of being compact but still being able to outperform many others.

Why do the courts never listen to the victims of opportunist vacuum cleaners having their way with poor unsuspecting young males.

I can't buy the 'I was stoned at the time' rubbish - he wasn't so out of it as he remembered the rubber gloves.

Balls: Schools should police the net

Where's Arnie?

What with teachers searching for knives and checking for cyber bullies and taking parents to court for not dragging reluctant Johnny to school in manacles we need someone who can show the way - call in Kindergarten Cop. He can kick some ass/arse and bring these scallywags back in to line.

In my day we only had toilet walls for text messaging.

And we had group 'happy slapping' - we just called in British Bulldog instead.

Left-handeders finally unlock the closet, researchers find

Righties are the disadvantaged

Screws are usually right-hand thread as it's easier to tighten up with a right-hand grip. This goes for jar lids as well. So us sinister folk have had to deal with a cack-handed world but we learn - unlike those who are always in the right.

Who gets called on to undo jam jars?

And who gets first pick of the pickles 'cos no-one else can get the lid off?

I have the mouse on the right which leaves the left hand for holding a mug of tea or snack or whatever.

Just remember, that when lefties shake hands with the right then they are using their 'dirty' hand.

Czech falls off motorbike, wakes up with British accent

Re-boot

I thought my machine took ages to re-boot but two days?!!

Firefox-Google marriage on shaky ground?

To block or not to block

A.Lewis "In the middle of this article there is an advert for IBM servers. It isn't obnoxious or intrusive, so I haven't blocked it, and barely noticed it as I read through."

Never saw it -- can't even see an Adblock tab to indicate there was something there. Many news items are broken up and the reading interrupted by ads. Blocking ads has greatly improved my online news reading. Occasionally I will need to see pop-ups and other stuff that is blocked but it's hardly a long, drawn out exercise.

ITV4 and Sky3 have so many crap adverts it makes watching the occasional programme a pain so the channels don't get watched much. Most net adverts are on par with those crap ads and I don't want to see them. If I did I could always buy/steal a copy of the Daily Mail or similar for those essential items that no-one really needs.

If I want to go shopping, I go shopping.

Who really needs the equivalent of QVC in their face all the time?

London council to use lie detectors to finger benefit cheats

Sorry, could you speak up.

I wonder how the detector gets on with a trained speaker?

Or someone with a speech impediment?

Or is it based on the Queen's English or yer averidge spokin wurd?

How does it handle local dialects?

Or forriners?

Feck, Arse, Drink, Girls etc.

'Happy slapping' vids prompt Brown to push net filters

Pots, kettles and short-term memory loss

"Ofcom has been asked to develop a kite-mark scheme to certify net-filtering products, The Sun reports."

and where does the Sun get revenue from?

Adverts for chat lines, video messaging and other rather sleazy quick-buck ventures. Nothing new under the Sun then.

As for us now in a Stalinist state, it doesn't seem so long that we were in a fascist dictatorship.

If people are going to bleat about governmental control will they please settle on one side or the other, it's not as if the issues have changed much. Thank you.

Why oh why do rock stars die young?

Artistes, eh?!

It is not unknown for those who would always be slightly off to one side of society to embrace the arts in one form or another.

Maybe the survey should be extended to other branches.

But, a few have slipped through the net. Folks like George Melly and Willie Nelson have either lived a fair bit or are still going. Plant and Page both resemble dried fruit these days

( Lowell George and Keith Moon need to go on the list of burn-outs or die, too)

Vista launch jamboree leaves PC World with indigestion

damp squid

Everyone assumes the squid is damp with water.

If it's damp with petrol it will light quite well.

(Instant calamari!)

Thrusting the now flaming squid towards the rear ends of PC World shop staff may, but there's not much hope, get them to move a bit quicker.

Tesla electric supercar may be delayed

Beta testing?

"and also the software that controls everything from door latches to battery cooling..."

" we will soon enter the next phase of durability testing that incorporates all previous fixes."

Sounds familiar to long-suffering Windoze users used to the rush of patches for new systems.

Who's building this car and where?

I just hope it's got the right drivers.

Camera pole puts you in the frame

Inna bun?

Get your cameras here!

Cameras on a stick, get 'em while they're fresh.

Good to see CMOT Dibbler back so soon.

erm, doesn't hand-holding at the end of a pole increase camera shake?

Drunken German joyrider totals 300 chickens

saves them the trouble

No need for the chickens to cross the road anymore.

It's a zen thing -- the road comes to the chickens instead.

Tories aim to ditch data protection laws

It's just the Vulcan again

I was wondering where the Vulcan had got to then he pops up on telly muttering something about saving billions.

We could have saved more than that if his lot hadn't buggered about with the NHS to try and get it to run as some corporate firm.

When the medical consultants matter less than the project consultants, there is something very wrong. (All Tony Blair did was carry on with the model established by the tories)

Net bride Aussie kidnapped in Mali

scam enchanted evening . . .

www.419 brides.com

Ah well, I guess it sounded cheaper than buying one from a Pacific island instead.

Fake e-cards signal massive DDoS attack

Nice to know I've got friends

It's gratifying to be told I have so many friends who are trying to get in touch.

(I thought that e-cards lost favour ages ago with the advent of so-called social networking sites.)

Much, much better than to have it implied that I've either got a small willy or that I can't keep an erection for several days.

The pills must have worked and now I'm popular with my peers.

Thanks Storm worm, you've made me feel like I'm wanted.

Just not sure what you might want my machine for, though.

Beeb exterminates Tomorrow's World rumours

Sir Ben as a baddie?

Oh yes!

Anyone that's not seen "Sexy Beast" will have missed one of the great all-time villains.

He could scare Daleks shitless with just one "What you fucking looking at?!"

And he'd shag the Doctor's assistant before taking a 12 bore to the Doc's head.