Posts by Evil Auditor

BOFH: You can take our lives, but you'll never take OUR MACROS

Re: Cruelest Ending!

They get what they deserve.

All on its own the chief actuary decided to do the loss triangles etc. in Access. It's unintelligible beyond believe - having to understand what they do I came as close to slowly torturing someone to death as possible without becoming felon.

Lines to become legendary

"Sorry, I think I just slipped into a coma, but I'm back now."

"The main limitation being that it has an inbuilt stupidity limiter..."

And Access... what a great ending! That 'lil piece of dung surely caused me more problems than it ever was supposed to solve.

Physicist proposes 1,000-foot state-sized walls to stop tornadoes

Re Who is going to do the work?

Illegal immigrants from Mexico.

'World’s dumbest' suspect collared in Facebook sting

Re: not password protected?

thomas k., good point! My PC at home locks itself after 10 minutes, which obviously hugely decreases the chance of catching a burglar.

(Up to) 10 years...

...for such a simple burglary seems hugely exaggerated. But it should be life for stupidity.

Podule-lodged Brit nears two weeks atop ocean peak Rockall

OT @Bloakey1

...in the days when men were men and sheep were nervous...

Were the sheep nervous because men were, erm men or what was the cause-effect?

TIME TRAVEL TEST finds black holes needed to make photons flit

Re I have a headache

Glad I'm not the only one.

Firefighters deliver trapped student from GIANT GERMAN LADYPARTS

Re Avebury

Well, it seems we haven't evolved that much since the stone age. The piece of art may be a bit more refined and while back then it was young women rubbing their loin against menhirs, nowadays is 'merkin students trying to pass through giant vaginas.

Traffic lights, fridges and how they've all got it in for us

...wouldn't it be better if the fridge just beeped if the door was not closed properly...

And that's exactly what newer fridges do.

Neither would I see much use in being notified when the fridge stops working properly. I do know that fridges can give up their ghosts but generally, they are very reliable. Adding an IoT device means adding a device that can fail and probably is more likely to do so than the fridge itself. Anyway, even if you're notified when it stops working, how likely is it that your able the get it fixed/a replacement before it's warmed up? And how important would that be? For normal people that's hardly a life-threatening situation, it is? (Okay, maybe it is.... cf. icon)

...of the term "the Internet of Things"

I wanted to read the surely interesting article. Unfortunately, I fell asleep while reading its first sentence.

Titan sprouts 'Magic Island', say astroboffins

Re Titan is alive and kicking

Let's hope Titan (aka LV-426) never starts its own space programme...

DON’T add me to your social network, I have NO IDEA who you are

Re: I wonder if today will be

Trevor Pott, isn't there an inner troll living in all of us? The commentards' common ground...

Re: Just friend and unfriend

Can't you change your birthday, let's say every fortnight? See what happens...

Yes yes, Dabbsy, but can't we connect through twitlinkebook 'cause I regularly read your column and I buy souls. Not convinced yet?

The most annoying ones are the persistent. Every couple of months they send a new invitation, incapable of realising that I do not want to be linked to thick fucking morons. Probably the kind of that wouldn't even get it when I tattooed it to their foreheads with a pickaxe.

Top 10 tech essentials for the festival season

Re nothing inside but me

Isn't that a bit lonely?

Facebook goes TITSUP across WORLD! Who will look at your cousin's baby NOW?

Unbelievable!

FB's down but the world keeps spinning. Who'd've thought?!

How practical is an electric car in London?

Re: Vic "I had an Esprit."

Vic, a Lotus is for life and not just for summer!

Re: Evil Auditor More privileges?

Don't worry, if I wanted that, i.e. a heavy leccy, I'd buy a Tesla.

Although I hear the newer models are quite reliable, we all know what Lotus stands for (Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious). Been there, still there (cf. icon).

Re: More privileges?

Buzzword, everyone wants the transport infrastructure to favour their preferred mode over the others. That's why electric cars should be allowed to use bus lanes. And a very reasonable justification follows: there are few enough electric cars in London. I for one demand that Lotus cars are allowed on the bus lanes - there are few enough of them in London.

Seriously, I cannot see why electric cars or for that matter any other non-public transport (except bicycle) should be privileged in such a way. Unless, of course, I convert the Lotus to electric ;)

Toyota catches up to William Gibson with LED hood

Re: What's a hood?

Elmer Phud, I thought that bloke's a 'hoot'?

Re trying to see the road

You're one of the old school, aren't you, Gene Cash? Nowadays drivers' eyes are either on the satnav or the mobile. Unless it's the mother who attends to the toddler on the back seat.

Re: A question and a comment.

Neil Barnes, amber and white is fine, that should do for some pr0n.

BOFH: On the contrary, we LOVE rebranding here at the IT dept

Re: This is why

This is why I'm fired from companies where you can ;)

Re: GCHQ wants to know what NSA hasn't a clue about and isn't being recorded for reporting in leaks

Loyal Commenter, speak for yourself.

Re: Re wrong course (@Terry 6)

Don't care for lunch anymore as usually I skive off before.

Re wrong course

Many moons ago one of the first things I've learned from BOFH was the selection of courses aka junkets. First choose the country/city/venue you'd like to visit. Second find a course at that venue which you somehow can convince your boss that you need it for your job. Then enjoy.

I followed abidingly ever since.

Ah... the violence. Lovely, isn't it?

And suddenly all my work motivation is gone. See you next week!

NASA scrubs FLYING SAUCER over Hawaii ballocket mission

Hawaii

"Kauai was selected because the team wanted to go to Hawaii and some research showed that this area sometimes might have the proper wind conditions [...]"

Don't hit me, I'm just guessing :)

Greenpeace rejoices after getting huge renewable powerplant cancelled

Re: case in point...

Halifax's got an university? And how the heck would someone bring an aircraft carrier there - it's almost as far from any waterfront as it gets. In the UK. Oh... Canada, you said :)

Remember Control Data? The Living Computer Museum wants YOU

"Control Data"

Reading this, I first thought of the album by Mark Stewart. I'm not that old after all.

Happy Birthday Tetris: It's flipping 30

Re: After-effects

Especially Doom! Even dreamed of it while falling asleep during chemistry lecture.

Just to wake up and realising the bloody nightmare isn't over - I hated chemistry.

Gunmaker finds KILLER APP for Google Glass

Years ago I came across a HUD/camera sight device mounted on an assault rifle which did include some sort of night vision. Although don't know whether this went to the troops or which troops. But new it ain't unless you regard its use of wi-fi protocol and GGlass as new.

Watch: Sun BELCHES PLASMA large enough to ENGULF 35 EARTHS

Re: Math check...

...and everything except the four elephants.

Happy now? I stick to it that the turtle is flat as well with all that weight.

Re: Math check...

The earth is flat, after all.

And so's the sun, the universe and everything.

Snowden shoots back: 'So you DO have my emails, after all'

Re: Edward Snowden isn't very good at logic (and neither is the NSA)

I have no reason not to believe Snowden. But couldn't he produce those e-mails himself? I mean, he took thousands of documents and not his own e-mails? (Well, maybe he did - I didn't really follow the case)

What can The Simpsons teach us about stats algorithms? Glad you asked...

Re voting

I don't know much about Aussie voting but as far as I see it, it's got nothing to do with averages and more with the particular way the voting system is set up, e.g. thresholds, definition of constituencies.

Re: More, MORE!

"Free man" = real life trolls.

Linux app lets you control fruit fly brains - with frikkin' LASERS

Re science is fun!

This HTH is likely the coolest thing I'll see all week. Even much better than the laser targeted cat craze I play with the neighbour's feline.

Surely, we'd welcome our new insect laser slaves.

Could we use the same tech with a pumped up laser to evaporate mosquitoes?

NASA spots new Mars meteorite crater

amanfrommars lost his home.

World's first ever Nobel Prize winning integrated circuit to be auctioned

Operation?

I'd excuse Christie's for not saying what kind of operation this first IC performs. But c'mon, El Reg!

According to widikepia it's a a single-transistor oscillator with a distributed RC feedback. Shame that I don't have any use for that ;)

And yep, should go to a museum.

ET hunter: We will find SPACE ALIENS in 20 years

Re: "within the solar system itself" @DropBear

Indeed, he said life. But the article went on all about exoplanets and also intelligent life, and no word about the likeli- or unlikelihood of finding life in our solar system. Unfortunately, I cannot access his testimony.

Re: Translation

Don Jefe, wouldn't that be: on the internet, no one can hear you laugh

LOL?

"within the solar system itself"

That's a typo, isn't it?

Boffin fights fire with EXPLOSIVES instead of water

Re eucalyptus weeds

jake, are you smoking this stuff?!

Cooling puts out a fire. Or eliminating one of the required components from the chemical reaction.

Separating the flame from its fuel source is, as far as I can see, a form of heat dissipation: the hot part (flame) is taken away from the fuel. This only works when the fuel isn't heated up to the point of self-ignition, e.g. candle, propane. Would it work in an eucalyptus tree fire? Maybe if the trees aren't heated up too much and the explosion wouldn't blow burning particles to other trees. I have some doubts...

Brits to vote: Which pressing scientific challenge should get £10m thrown at it?

Re robots that can do the washing

They are already around and widely used. They come at quite a cost but are multipurpose, too. They are...

Let's stop here, before it gets ugly.

Yep, mine's the one with Stupid Jokes for Dummies.

It's me!

Yes indeed, I deserve the £10m for it will solve all of the six problems:

- the money will allow me to fly very economically;

- guess I won't run out of food anytime soon

- and neither of water;

- let's face it, I won't even get close the ugly germs, no need for antibios anymore;

- in case it hits me, probably can afford the most advanced wheel chair ever;

- who cares about my dementia when I GOT TEN MEEEELLION QUID!!

No?

'Executed ex' of Norkers' bonkers Kim Jong-un rises FROM THE GRAVE

Re: Norkovations

Ralph B, are you calling Darwin? Isn't it kind of (non-)natural selection when all the ones who are out of sync are put to immediate extinction?