Posts by Jemma

Doctor Who? 12th incarnation sought after Matt Smith quits

The floppy haired ****wit is taking an early bath... Hydrochloric acid would be favourite...

The less said about twerp & twerp-ette the better. Usually I find redheads sexy but shes dimmer than the sidelights on an Austin Cambridge. Telescopes make things big; who knew? The highlight was the well deserved gut shooting scene, but why stop at just one? (one magazine maybe, after all its the BBC budget).

The new sidekick has major possibilities - I think the trope is mother (cave) bear. Kinda like River 'lookee ma, I took out a whole division' Tam without the 'now I feel like Jimmy Saville' guilt..

Hurt & Barrowman - the dynamic that launched a thousand fanfics...

Docs daughter & Riversong - so good it just has to be fattening. I seem to remember somewhere that Tardis are keyed genetically to their operators - "when it get confused it just runs back to momma". The rest is very happy bi-barian teen hordes.. not to mention all those strange people who search movie deaths on youtube... You can off her six ways to sunday and she'll still come back hotter than shami kebab diablo..

EU boffins in plan for 'more nutritious' horsemeat ice cream

Re: Instead, feed it to the rich

Don't worry about welcoming them they're already here! It would explain the elderly drivers (note to bmw driving geriatric: it is not, repeat not, necessary to leave two car lengths to the car in front when you are sitting AT THE BLOODY TRAFFIC LIGHTS!)

Re: No prions

You'd be meaning the same 'tough' laws that had Dobbin burgers & Findus Crispy Seabiscuit on the school dinner menu? All they need to do is source it outside the EU and it could be Alawite Mince for all you know...

nvCJD & Alzheimers combined...

What could *possibly* go wrong?

There are so many ways this is a bad idea its scary. Just one bit of reclaimed meat product with dribbling bovine disease & a whole run is contaminated. Not to mention all the numerous zoonoses you can get from Gods dumbest animal, the Sheep..

Then theres the whole 'named meat & I dont mean Rover' issue.

And meaty goodness from latvian slaughter houses that had their last proper sluice down when the Berlin Wall came down..

All in all this sounds like it belongs in a Monkey Dust episode - but after all alot of OAP homes seem to enjoy beating their residents like Chipperfield monkeys as a matter of policy, so it should fit perfectly...

Come back Bayview, your sins are forgiven...!

Kettle 'which looks like HITLER' brews up sturm in a teacup

Re: @ Jake

So *that's* what explains the current suicide rate - terninal boredom amongst the hitchhikers guide reading classes.. not DWP ok'ing terminal cancer patients for coal mining duty... Come back Bevin, all is forgiven..

Re: @ Uffish (was: @ Jake)

I have. Its what you end up doing when you explain to a PHB why his using 'password' is not condusive to network security..

Re: design triumph (of the will)?

I think my sense of humour just Riefen-stalled..

El Reg drills into Office365: Mass email migration

I have a bad feeling about this...

All very well & good, but many people will be running legacy systems that even originally bore about as much relation to MS best practice as David Cameron bears to the word talented.. and will probably go down more times than a Clinton intern. Have you got any good related disaster recovery-recovery info regarding this procedure if it all goes Welsh NHS?

Have you got any network load figures on the different methods - cos I have images of networks going completely Gormless George even if its done without users printing their CV & downloading last weeks Game of Genetic Sexual Attraction (except near Lord Carey).

Now beaming live from Pyongyang: NORKSCASTS!

Re: Hmmm...

456 megacycles, wasnt it....?

Re: Here's an idea..

built on Nazi technology, by Nazi technologists...

There, fixed it for you.

Both Wernher von Braun and his brother worked for/ran NASA along with over 50 others who'd worked under and were often members of NSDAP and/or the Shutzstaffel. The Americans just conveniently forgot that little fact when it suited them in all sorts of fields.

Oi, butterfingers! Drop your mobe in a pint? Hope it's not an iPhone

Re: What about the fish?

We can but hope..

Orange customer clobbered with SIX-FIGURE phone bill

As someone on record...

On record as being mildly autistic...

You people really awe & scare me.. I'm not sure whether to be stunned by the anal retentiveness or just hide till it goes away..

In other news I'm not surprised this was Orange - but this is special olympics grade customer service even for them. Can I suggest an El Reg yearly award maybe, like the Darwins, for the most egregious company & screw up? Maybe the Zuckerberg or the Brittas awards. Can I also nominate SSE for the inaugural entry shortlist?

The bunker at the end of the world - in Essex

Oh dont.. Belt skirts, boob tubes and 7 year olds just shouldn't mix - but they do. Every time I see it in town I shrivel up a little inside.. The worst is when the kid carries off slapper-chic better than mum.. It makes you wince.. Feels like an angelic Saville has crept up and stolen a bit of your soul..

Re: Make doubly sure you...

When I first heard the name I thought someone was talking about a new Vauxhall. I've the joys of being a Colchestrian too. One good thing about colchester and environs, if the Russians do invade the road are so bad even a T72 commander would have second thoughts - I'm sure automatics shouldn't change gear via the pothole to roadwheel interface..

Make doubly sure you...

Put Kelvedon Hatch into the GPS not just Kelvedon or you'll end up about 40 miles out of your way at t'other end of the A12 feeling confused...its surprising how many times I was asked for directions to the nuclear bunker that isn't 2 miles or so from colchester... Not so surprising how rude some people got though.

Rogue Nokia splinter cell drops its Jolla phone A-BOMB

Re: Microsoft isn't worried...

You mean on how to dig a 7ft x 6ft hole? Cos thats what Elop Bey deserves.

Soylent Corporation prepares to DEFEAT FOOD

Re: But...

Ahh, the McVimes Blt..

WTF is... LTE Advanced?

Re: How about a reliable 2/3G?

Amen to that!

They WANT to EAT YOUR COMPUTER - welcome your ANT overlords

Re: Solution???

There are various - including rather egregarious fungal infections, parasitic wasps and other insect cuties. If you want something mammalian as a pet thats RIFA safe may I suggest the Pangolin? Comes in a nice shade of brown with full body armour plating as standard... Think a cross between a Jack Russell and a Tiger Tank...

Sigh..

Ye gods, how many things can you get wrong in one article? RIFA sting, they dont bite, except to anchor themselves (they then sting in a cute little circle). The venom is the second nastiest after pogomyrmex (itself a 10th as nasty as taipan venom, think a mid range viper or a uk Adder) and its primary danger in humans is either venom overload or anaphylaxis. Add to this that theyre aggressive little sods that make asiatic bees seem positively cuddly and you begin to see why theyre so nasty. Oh and they also love electrics too, traffic lights being a particular favourite..

Fulva has a secret weapon in that it is one of the super colony ants - RIFA colony is based on a single queen, Fulva colonies have several and related colonies act & react as one. In the wild these can cover large areas and crowd out even species like RIFA.

IT bloke publishes comprehensive maps of CALL CENTRE menu HELL

Something I wrote a while back, seemed strangely apt...

Real life: Press one to talk.

The phone it rings and rings and rings

Till life and time seems to fall away

“Press one to talk to an imbecile,

Who can’t/won't help in any way.”

“Press two to be disconnected,

So you can call another day.”

“Press three to be put on hold again,

Canned classical to wile the hours away”

“Press four to talk to a manager,

With no chin and upper class bray”

“Press five to go back to one again

So we can find you other ways to pay”

Technology should make things easier

All upstanding experts so say

If this is a life that’s made easier

I think I’ll just sit here and await the day

When this particular facet of an ‘easy life’

Will up and go away…

'Liberator': Proof that you can't make a working gun in a 3D printer

Re: If memory serves...

Yes, they were also overpressured by something like 4x. If they passed they were marked, if they failed they were dug out of the ceiling every friday. The idea being that even the most gormless idiot/texan is not going to fill his rifle barrel to the brim, put a bullet in and fire it...but in case he does, the barrel might survive it the once.

Way to miss the point...

Yes its probably got all the accuracy of a brown bess thats been at the bottom of a lake for 40 years, and might manage 5 rounds before bursting the barrel and taking half your face off, but thats not the point.

Snipers use a standard rifle, eg moisin-nagant, and use a single shot. One shot, one kill. But from a distance that needs training and natural aptitude. I know I probably wouldnt be able to do it.

This is a gamechanger for two reasons. Should I want to put a bullet in David Cameron, dont tempt me, with this I can make it myself, disguise it if I want to, and all I need to do is find the guy (probably when he's daughter hunting again), walk past, jam in in his gut and pull the trigger. Untraceable gun, unmatchable bullet (no marks or striations) and provided you do it right you walk away while sham-cam is wondering where that painful hole came from.

But wait, it gets better. Its true if you make this thing from plastic its hardly going to empty a slipper clip before exploding. But guess what, you can use other materials in 3D printers. Materials that are way stronger than standard plastic feedstocks. Or you can make the barrel assembly out of sintered or machined metal.

Say I want to off someone in a crowd.. I could use cute muslim girls in explosive undies (and yes its been done) or I could give them a batch of these modded with a magazine & welrod style silencer. A quiet bye bye to that annoyingly liberal muslim politician or that pesky schoolgirl (the cheek of her, thinking she needs to learn).. And no-one knows anything about it till its all over. 5 pounds of explosive panty gusset is somewhat obvious after all, not to mention messy!

Review: BlackBerry Q10

Lucky the lil sweetie isn't American

She'd probably have been sued before the words were fully out of her mouth.

Its a good point though, and a depressing one. Fondleslabs just arent up to being used accurately. A case of "if it aint broke" that should attain the status of the "osbourne effect". The best phone I ever had was an E70 - if it had A2DP & SDHC I'd still be using it now, all of 20mb of free memory and I wrote most of two books on it.

For HTC and others... Please stop making phones *you* want to make and make the phones *I* want you to make. A2DP, Micro SD, QWERTY, HDMI, removable battery. Its not dragon science! They'll actually sell and you might actually make a profit..!

You do know what profit is right?

Too soon?

Movie review: Star Trek Into Darkness

Zoe Saldana. Leather. Hot!

How on earth is she supposed to 'fit the character' of Nichelle Nichols? Slice a foot from her legs add a foot round the waist and 30lbs of bulgarian airbags.

Sigh, a manic depressive anorexic really doesnt do scotty justice either.

But then, see above, and you just stop caring*.

*YMMV

Student falsely IDed by Reddit as Boston bomber found dead

Re: Lazy Fat Americans.

Actually no. what it is at least to a fair degree is epigenetics and it goes like this...

Your grandparents are doing what they do and granny gets pregnant (insert futurama quote here). All goes well and the kid is born but its during the depression so theres not much food to be had so she & gramps were always hungry.

Your parent grows up as parents do and everything is again fine apart from an epigenetic switch has been flipped.

The way the following generation processes sugar is much different, they store fat much more readily and therefore you get the ameri-hutts blobbing round the place like motile hindenburgs (and about as likely to detonate).

This, coupled with the current American lardoculture gives rise to the Dennis Nedry-esque bloated man blobs that we know and loathe and has done so to a lesser extent in other western countries.

Another interesting possible epigenetic effect is the 9/11 syndrome. If mother was present at that event at a certain time in her pregnancy, third tri I think from memory - the resultant sproglet is much more likely to suffer from anxiety and changes in related hormone levels than others. Strangely it seems to affect the mothers the same way. Many more third tri pregnant women who had the joys of the full on 9/11 experience reported anxiety, than others in different stages of being knocked up.

Sometimes science is stranger than fiction...

It constantly amazes me...

How a nation filled to the brim with total and utter fsckwits and automatic weapons hasn't blown itself out of existence years ago!

I mean seriously, the fsb tell you he's a terrorist and what do you do? Tell him not to be a naughty boy (and btw theres some interesting plastic stuff in that cupboard, no, the one next to it....) and leave him to simmer for a couple of years. UK has Dunblane and anything more dangerous than a kids longbow is banned instantaneously - some kid does a Joachim Pieper on 5 year olds, and the US keeps the guns and gives the little sweeties body armour and the teachers even more guns. The only thing stupider is showing TW: Children of Earth and then wondering why every stressed parent in BBC coverage are doing 'peter capaldis' left right and abandoned quarries...

Almost as bright as the farmer in the UK who sold a half ton of ammonium nitrate to a total stranger. Can you guess what happened yet?

As to the people who say hounding someone cant cause a suicide - two names off the top of my head - Tempest Smith & Lucy Meadows, Im sure I could find many more. Still so damn sure now?

Commiserations to the family but I'll tell you this now I wouldnt want to be one of the reddidiots right now...

And FYI for british citizens - should you be getting the idea into your head to do something similar causing by harassment or other means someones suicide is an offense under the 1961 suicide act. I dont know the American legal position on it.

Kind of unrelated. IF YOU CANT EVEN MANAGE COHERENT ENGLISH dont berate people for their opinions, it just makes you look like an ill educated 12 year old who needs their Ritalin increased.

Thousands rally behind teen girl cuffed, expelled in harmless 'explosion'

I think I'm...

Going to set up a sponsorship charity for all the burmese pythons in the everglades so there is a predator big enough to deal with ask the darwin award nominees in florida. Having had the joys of Georgia I'll bet money its to do with her colour. The highlight of my trip there was sitting on a chambered 9mm beretta left with the safety off around a 3 year old girl. They didn't understand why I went borderline berserk over the fact I could of been killed! Then theres the nice omaha racist I visited. Went for a wander and started chatting to some very polite & friendly black guys (Im so pale I burn under a 100w bulb) - my friend came out of her house like the charge of the light brigade howling that theyd murder me on the spot. Talk about cultural cringe. Racism is part of the culture out there along with gutless v8s and aircooled teeth.

Peak Apple: First 'profit slip' in a decade - and, boy, it's gonna be BIG

@ oliver...

Only an idiot... So *thats* why all the fanbois are having conniptions? True story - type in fanbois on nokia E7 swype keyboard and you get rancid as the first option. Very apt!

O2 tries something completely new: Honesty

Interesting side note...

As an Orange customer, I envied the dead...

ExxonMobil's oil spill rids neighborhood of 'venomous snakes'

Re: No snakes?

Harmless Animals: Some of the Sheep.

I'm sure...

The godbotherer collective will be sooooo pleased when the rat population explodes. Reminds me of a guy (American, surprise surprise) who decided to beat on a rattler then play snakey tennis with it - punting a by then royally pissed off snake straight onto his daughters back - at which point she was promptly bitten - circa regnum tonat indeed. Dumbass dads response, sue the nature reserve through which they were walking!

The world would be a far better, cleaner, safer place if the American was totally removed from it. You can almost imagine ole Ben Kenobi... "America, you will never find a more wretched hive of ecological terrorism & stupidity... We must be cautious". Just when I think its impossible for them to make things any worse they manage it in high style.

ROBOT COCKROACH SWARM unleashed in Sheffield lab

Oh look...

Its the new editorial staff of the Daily Mail being put through their paces. A prize for the person who steps on ersatz Richard Littlejohn!

Nokia tries its luck with a sub-£150 Win Phone 8: The Lumia 620

Re: 7.x?

Simply compare Lumia specs to anything running symbian belle and my point she is made. Compared to Symbian, which itself came from EPOC, not-win-mo is a joke for a power user, and not-win-nt is barely better. Tv-out, winmo could do, symbian does, windows phone.. Ooh look, no go. Decent integrated 1998 grade bluetooth integration, oh failed again. USB-OTG even android can manage, WP? Nope more chance of getting a saddleback to 20,000 feet.

The most telling thing? That it all runs perfectly well on a single core processor running at less than half the speed of the quad cores needed to stop Android syrup syndrome. Not to mention inbuilt proper multitask and secure app features. Should I go on?

WP7 was based on the same CE core as Windows mobile which dates from the mid late 90s, WP8 on an NT core from the same era. Oooh look at my shiny new OS... Oh wait, is that a BSOD I see before me?

The depressing thing is that Symbian has suffered from the run to mediocrity that has happened due to IOS and 'droid. It is harder to program for because the people who developed it thought there should be some resiliance in there. The other approach is the 'hail and well met, script kiddies' one, and we know were that has gotten android, FCs, malignancy, and shutdowns galore. When Alexander the Great got to the sea it is said that he cried since there was nothing left to conquer, 10 minutes with Android programmers and he'd have thrown himself in, or gone totally postal. Mediocrity is not something to aspire to (although you wouldnt know it for looking).

Re: 7.x?

Gotta go with Jess here.. The fact that its windows 8 makes not the slightest. A newer featureless crippled wasteland is still a featureless crippled wasteland. Course you could go buy a 2008 touch pro/diamond for £35, flash it and install hostsUI, it'll even overclock.. All the fun of the tiles, none of the Ballmerhorrea.

Or indeed you could get a belle based phone, a smartphone -as opposed to the one all new WP 'special'phone category.

Windows Phone 8 - does about half what it says on everyone else's tins...

Symbian must be spinning in its grave... What is this I see before me? An S3 rom for beagleboard...?

Reg Hardware Awards 2012: The Winners...

Re: Best mobile provider...

If you think Three are bad I would avoid EE/Orange like the plague. Orange will happily admit their own mistake and then send out credit companies one after the other... for years to get a hold of money they admit isnt owed.

In the style of lord blackadder..

Tim, for you the term ' customer satisfaction' was just something that happened to other people wasn't it.

Nokia: Ship's now stable, all we need is passengers

Sigh...

I have lost track of the number of times I have said this but it looks like I will have to say it again.

Lumia is about as popular and useful as a necrophiliac in a Maternity Ward. Its now managed to become as poisoned a brand as possible. Yes, if you are after a non iOS phone that effectively runs iOS then its fine for you. If you want something functional, forget it. Decent bluetooth capability? Nah; decent upgradability and flexibility? nope (you mean you want the right to OWN something you bought from us?!?!, How 1990's); world class cameras? nope again, because the only OS that can support PureView in its entirely is *drumroll* Symbian...you know the one you killed because more than 3 options on a menu melts American brains... should I go on?

For less than £30 I can make my E7 mobile (yeah, running the 'outdated' and 'slow' Symbian) work as effectively as a full size laptop. There was nothing and is nothing that has the feature set and power efficiency of the Symbian/Belle OS. Nokia's Symbian/Meego smartphone customers have walked away from Lumia quicker than most of its talented engineers because they have, to misquote Caesar, come, seen, and laughed their heads off.

Elop has even gotten to the point of pointedly NOT refusing the possible use of Android for Nokia, when Ballmers Golden Boy says that you *know* things are not going well. Elop-bey makes Lord 'Zulu, what Zulu' Chelmsford look talented... which is a hard act to follow for anyone without congenital mental problems.

I wont be getting a Nokia for my next phone, unless I get another E7. I'll be looking at a Blackberry or one of Jolla's finest. Android on a tablet is fine, but not on a phone for me, im not potentially trusting my life to it. iOS - not until hell freezes over, to the point I told my family that if they buy it, to go somewhere else for all their support because I will not touch it. Windows Phone, why would I want to spend £500 on a baby NT box with a UI that would bore a 12 month old child (and was ported to Windows Mobile in 3 months by a guy working in his basement). Shows you how much work the MS minions put into it.

Nokia simply have been run into the ground by Elop and I cant see a way out for them, its just too late in the day. The irony is, that S^3 etc was actually doing fantastic when he killed it, Nokia were the out and out top of the pile in almost every respect - now they are so far gone they're soon going to require a Hospice..

Ruby off the Rails: Enormo security hole puts 240k sites at risk

Umm.. am I missing something?

Or is there supposed to be something called testing BEFORE you spaff something out to world + dog?

Why release it at all if you have to patch it on the spot, AND tell everyone the problem is there for them to exploit to boot... Fix first release later surely?

It makes you wonder how dumb the generality of the human race is going to/has gotten if the 'intelligentsia' can make cock ups of such platinum plated proportions...

Ancient Mars: Covered with life, oceans, clouds, and imagination

Re: Anyone else

... Thats fine then, will match the Great Stone Ass of Mars on the other side of the planet... wonder if you can get planet size Depends?

Brazilian-made 'iphone' runs Android 2.3 Gingerbread

Re: Nice one!

Whats more to the point is that no-one downvoted you for saying so. Are Apple fanbois a dying breed? one can but hope.

'UK DNA database by stealth' proposed in £100m NHS project

Re: Is it just a Monday thing...

hahahahahaha...

Or

"Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you..."

Sorry, but when police stop getting away with murder and paedogeddon ruleth not the earth - when men no longer have the emotional range of a teaspoon & social services haven't been thrown out of the shutzstaffeln for bigotry unbecoming then will I trust a government.

Its gonna be a long wait...

Re: STOP DEBATING THIS

Shouldn't that be Anonymous Cameron?

'Build us a Death Star, President Obama' demand thousands

Re: A "fully operational" battle station in US hands...

Ummm...

*looks at her chest to check the girls are all present & correct*

A "fully operational" battle station in US hands...

What could possibly go wrong....?

The scary thing about America is that year on year of its existance its been involved in more genocides either directly or indirectly than any other nation on the planet (even Russia) - look it up, its actually true (US arms actually help Stalin get at least 3 under way). Couple that with military tacticians that make the cloned offsping of Lord Chelmsford, Lord Rust and General Ephinstone (of Afghanistan 'fame') look talented, and you have a Casserene/Little Big Horn waiting to happen... With turbolasers.

Personally I feel nervous when I see America eying the plastic travel cutlery displays, let alone offensive weapons.

I'm really happy I'm not a soldier too, since while having the French as allies historically meant your right flank tended to resemble a large cloud of dust moving at speed to the rear - the average American is the only person on the planet whos known for shooting his allies in the front (and even has a code for when it invariably happens).

The scariest part of the lot, is that there will be some people who actually think this idea is genuine... And will be disappointed when it doesnt happen, real disappointed.

Copying Wikipedia's lies is not just for hacks, right Lord Leveson?

Wow, someone who actually paid their taxes! Your surname isnt Vimes by any chance?

Covers alot of ground...

Most of Europe and Russia for a start...

Android seven-inchers swipe rug from under Apple

Re: Why do you want to plug a keyboard and mouse into a tablet?

Apart from one tiny problem, filtering content doesn't work, its been tried, and people still get a whole new meaning of facebook from .mobi sites. Unpleasant enough when youre an adult, just imagine what happens when it happens at school to your kid, cue social services missing the point and the police doing you for kiddy fiddling/abuse.

And dont tell me I dont know what I'm on about because I spent 6 months dealing with the hounding of a friend and her trans daughter. To the point it almost pushed the mother to suicide.

As to Apple, I won't pay them the best part of 300 quid, or 500, for something I can get for a third of that - same as I won't pay BMW for something I can get for half the price elsewhere. Its called being sensible. Maybe if the various govts had stayed within their budgets too we'd be better off.

As to the keyboard option, I write amongst other things, and 25,000 words on a touchscreen keyboard would push me to the point of madness. Not least having a keyboard helps flexibility. Oh and £75 for effectively a new netbook, you were saying?