Posts by Neil Shepherd

Emmerdale shoves jam rags in innocent kiddies' faces

So...

...what do Daily Mail readers call them?

Is your office World Cup sweepstake legal?

I See...

I think the corect response to this article has to be the highly useful (and adaptable): Get a fucking life

MIT profs produce 'Ring of Fire' nanotube superbatteries

Ahead of The Game?

Could this be conencted to all those Sony batteries that (supposedly) burst into flames? Everyone assumed it was just crap manufacturing/design when it was fact 'the future' =:S

Industry groups leap to Chip and PIN's defence

Lying? Nah, Can't Be

“No security system can claim to be completely bulletproof"

Yep that's true...so why were the banking system so adamant that Chip and PIN was *totally* bulletproof when they trumpetted it's 'wonder arrival' all those years ago? OMG could it that they were, <gulp>, lying? =8O

Oh hang on, I forgot that this was never about security and preventing fraud but about being able to shift the blame onto someone else. Complete set of bastards.

Hippie windfarm kingpin Dale Vince slapped down by ASA

One Happy Camper

Just want to say that as someone who's been an Ecotricity customer for over four years now...they haven't put a foot wrong as far as I'm concerned

Royal hack police worker avoids jail

Humble Pie?

Pains me to say it but how come this guy gets to use the 'idle curiosity' card but a certain someone else (who I will admit I despise) is off for a free 'holiday' courtesy of the United States?

But then of course there are two important factors: 1. He works for the police (albeit as a civilian) and 2. Yankee-Doodle-Dandy-Land hasn't had it's security holes exposed.

I'm off to be 'idly curious' about Semtex

Red Dwarf's Kryten exposes iPhone number

While He's About

Totally off topic but would someone mind giving him a call and asking what the f*ck happened to Scrapheap Challenge?

BAA poo-poos Bollywood star's pervscan printout put-on

Couldn't Have Been Me

"Sorry officer but I didn't hold up that bank, get away £50,000,000 or shoot 18 people in the knee caps as I made my getaway. My evidence? Well it's simply not true"

Labour Party told to stop spam-calls

Spokesperson

If just for one second of sheer insanity I actually *thought* about voting (Nu)Labour, having Vera Duckworth screech down the phone would hardly be the best way to get my vote.

Paris as if *she* phoned up...

Gov tempts young London onto ID database with booze, 'games'

Isn't It Obvious?

Of course Peter Plonker doesn't need a driving license (provisional or otherwise) - he's far too busy buying games, booze and DVDs to ever want to go out =:S

Iran launches rat, two turtles, some worms into space

"How Did That Get There?"

Given that we keep being told how ants are super smart, how long until Iran launches an ant farm into space and the little critters 'accidentally' create a nuclear warhead.

And of course I do mean 'create' and would never for a second suggest that someone else left it in the capsule by mistake. Oh nosireebob, not never.

Airport scanners go live today, kids included

Same Sex Viewer?

Male, female, Graham Norton?

Sorry Mr PervScanner but I don't want *anyone* looking at what I've got stashed in my trousers (although I will promise that it won't explode and make a mess everywhere...well not on a plane anyway).

Paris as I'd happily watch her go through the PervScanner

Stranded Hartlepool pair refuse coastguard rescue

Oh Blimey, The Shock (or not)

As most of my family come from Hartlepool I can honestly say: "And? This seems pretty much par for the course"

This *is* the town that not only hung a monkey (as noted above) but also had a full centre page spread in the local paper about two pensioners pushing a dog about in a pram and a football ground where the supporters(?!?!?!?) changed ends at half time.

There are also rumours that they still burn witches and throw stones at passing planes, but I can't substantiate them :whistle:

Remote tribe discovered worshipping iPad

Take Note Apple...

Hope the Cupertino people are watching as these guys, deep in the jungle, seem to have solved the iBook licensing problems, battery life *and* come up with a material that will keep Greenpeace happy.

The real questions are though, does it come in black and does it require a virgin sacrifice to make it work (oh hang on, that usually only applies to Windows)?

Paris because she knows all about wood

French mock British G-spot probe

Just Tell The Truth

The researchers at King's College just need to own up and admit that they're crap in bed and haven't got the faintest idea what they're doing. It's definitely there and if you know what you're looking for and how to use it...boom!

Mine's the one with the ecstatically happy woman who'll do pretty much anything afterwards

Silicone implants that generate 'leccy invented for US spooks

License To Kill?

So does this mean that 'double-O 7' is soon going to become 'double-D 7'? =;)

Brit kids failing to fall out of trees

Rescue, Rescue, Rescue

OMG you mean that kids *aren't* falling out of trees anymore? =8O

Right, the little gits next door are gonna get marched to the nearest oak, forced to climb it and then have pot-shots taken at them until they fall out. I could even charge for that...might even make a bit of money... Bwuhahahaha

Sky 3D to launch in April

Is It Just Me...?

Not sure if this applies to anyone else (I could just be a freak) but I can't watch 3D as the merging of the two images in my head causes me excrutiating headaches within minutes. Anybody else with the same problem?

Of course with all the media hype about it, the future (in this little corner of the IT world) ain't looking so bright anymore =:(

Happy Data Protection Day

Sorry, I Have To...

They certainly didn't let that particular bit of info. leak did they? =:D

Now if this had been a UK government minister with a memory stick...

UK government rebuffs cries for free postcode database

Doesn't It Make You...

...proud to be British.

OK we can't actually find out where Britain *is* anymore (without paying for it) but I suppose this is what happens when we put our trust in democratically elected leaders. Oh, hang on...

Avon & Somerset cop computers titsup?

It Doesn't Make Sense..

Or rather, it *didn't* make sense until the word 'SAP' came. Gives me the shakes just thinking about it.

For any members of the Avon and Somerset police IT body behind all this, here's a handy hint: Buy a proper database and and spend the cash you saved on writing some business logic that actually works *for you* rather than spend a fortune on something that not only makes you jump through hoops but makes it damn near impossible to invoice for those hoops in the first place.

Brown offers free laptops to deprived UK schoolkids

Wow £300m

Just imagine how many teachers you could buy with that. But this is education in Britain in the 21st century so what would be the point of trying to generate that little spark of interest in young minds when you could just let them Twitter your m8s (or however you bloody well write it - sadly I *got* an education) instead.

Laptops don't turn kids onto education, good teachers do. So well done Gordo - another great way to keep the proles in their too-stupid-to-know-any-better place

Wireless e-car recharge tech within range?

I Still Don't Get It

Call me dense (as ever) but I *still* don't get this. OK so you can now charge your electricity-wagon without the need for wires...but it *still* takes hours and hours.

In my current kill-all-the-children-and-cute-seal-pups diesel, when it's running out of fuel I go to somewhere called a 'filling station', spend 2-3 minutes filling up, and then go off on my merry (carbon spouting) way. With all of these schemes, I need to pull up, miles from home, sit there for hours waiting for the battery to charge and then have my boss screaming blue murder at me for missing an important meeting.

What am I missing?

X-Men helmsman to fly Battlestar Galactica

Just As Long...

...as there's no sodding 1970's disco dancing, 'monkeys in dog suits', or annoyingly little shits then I don't see how it could be anything *but* an improvement over the original original =:S

Aussie boffins use sarcasm to investigate brain illness

Oh...

An interesting idea. Does that mean that many people on the Autistic spectrum also have a 'brain illness'?

Failing to understand things such as sarcasm is often seen as part of the diagnostic criteria for ASDs (Autistic Spectrum Disorders)

Love-triangle astronaut nappies will not be trial evidence

Regardless Of Anything Else...

The whole thing stinks to high heaven in my opinion.

Mine's the one with the can of Neutradol in the pocket.

First self-inflicted identity donor cards to ship in late 2009

Success Is Guaranteed

"The first ID cards are scheduled to be issued to non-EEA foreign nationals next week (25th November)"

...and half of which will promptly have been 'lost' by 26th November. That won't be a problem though as I'm sure that most terrorists, illegal asylum seekers, dole scroungers, non-NuLabour voters and everyone else that us decent nothing-to-hide members of the public should live in fear of, will happily trundle along to the nearest police station (or wherever) and apply for another card - "What's that Mr Bin Laden? You've lost your ID card? Well just fill this form out and we'll have you on your way ASAP"

Mine's the one with a one-way ticket to anywhere-but-here

Judge says tech-addled jurors undermine justice

Defendant - The Rivals

The answer is brilliantly simple and could overhaul the legal system. Instead of putting screens up for the jury to ingest the info in little bite size chunks (as they're obviously too inept to concentrate for more than 15 seconds) just turn the whole thing into a real-life reality TV show.

For an hour the two sides (defence and prosecution) blather away while some jazzy graphics slide across the screen highlighting the 'crucial facts' (kind of like Oprah, Springer or Jeremy Kyle - "Mother claims child ate dog", "Chili addiction ruined my sex life" etc. etc. etc.) and then just let the great unwashed masses take part in a phone vote. Verdict gets announced two hours later by Ant and Dec, Saturday night TV gets yet another 'fantastic show', justice is done, the great unwashed get to unleash their send-the-monster-daahhhhnn Daily Mail vitriol and some TV exec makes a fortune (half of which gets split with the CPS and used to build the 54 news prisons the UK would need).

Jobs a good 'un. OK actual justice would have to be ignored (I'm figuring that the most photogenic, angelic, or just 'loveable' would win) but what the hell, this is the price we pay for having that vile demon known as the internet (and 24 hour news).

Paris, as she obviously quite happily takes 'em down.

Mankind to detect alien life 'by 2025'

Just In Case...

I for one would like to welcome any future alien overlords that we might discover (or might discover us)

US forces want man-hunting robot wolfpacks

Have These people...

...never seen any of the Terminator films?

Robotic killers will be the death of us all and, probably within minutes of being switched on, will have turned on mankind and will be trying to wipe us out.

Given this situation I for one welcome our robot killer overlords