* Posts by Albert Hall

57 publicly visible posts • joined 9 Oct 2008


Bill Gates joined on stage by jar of poop as he confesses deep love for talking about toilets

Albert Hall

Cue the toilet humour... whoops, too late!

Who's taking the piss then?

Intellisense was off and developer learned you can't code in Canadian

Albert Hall

Well, since you asked...

With the letter B if you are one of those who ban't pronounce the letter 'C'.

Smut site offers VPN so you don't bare all online

Albert Hall


Those red ones... talk about stacked. Eh? Eh?

Huge flying arse makes successful test flight

Albert Hall

Re: 'world's largest flying craft' - I think not...

Well, this is clearly going to be the butt of many jokes.

No, Microsoft is not 'killing Windows 10 Mobile'

Albert Hall

Re: They will next year...

So, it's not dead. Just restin'. Or pining...

Parents have no idea when kidz txt m8s 'KMS' or '99'

Albert Hall

Kiss My...


Watch the world's biggest 'flying bum' go arse over tit in a crash

Albert Hall

Navigational malfunction

Someone got a bum steer.

Cops break up German sausage fight between pair of Neubrandenburgers

Albert Hall

Thank goodness, the wurst is over!

See title. Ta.

Hot Swedish nurses in charity calendar rumpus

Albert Hall

Well, at least they were thinking of the children...

Collective noun search for security vulns moves into beta testing

Albert Hall

Don't make me repeat myself again...

It can only be "google". Seriously.

Siri, you're fired: Microsoft Cortana's elbows into iOS, Android

Albert Hall

Make mine Mac

Apple never did a big-ass table but if they do, I'm ready! I have a table made in the 1940's with – yes – rounded corners. Prior art, I say.

Apple scuttles NTP flaw in OS X – with 'first ever' silent auto update

Albert Hall

Re: Apple "recommends"?

Try checking your settings in the Software Update pane in System Preferences. (I think Yosemite has a separate App Store pane in the same location). On my OS X 10.8 systems, Automatic Updates was ticked by default. Annoying that there's no link to Prefs in the App Store app itself.

Happy Yule.

All aboard the Poo Bus! Ding ding, route Number Two departing

Albert Hall


This will require setting up a Poo Bank to handle deposits, er, credits and withdrawals. Otherwise they'll never keep this shit straight. I suspect the connected "smart" toilet industry is behind this.

Microsoft on the Threshold of a new name for Windows next week

Albert Hall

I know! Iknow!

The unWindows – kinda retro cool like

Windows sNaFu – totally cool for those afraid of change

Windows DUDE – awesomely kewl

Windows Unbuttoned – I don't get it either

Of course... it just came to me! Just call it DILBERT.

You're welcome. And you read it here first!

It's the dream: Bill Gates chucks cash at WEE-IN-YOUR-PHONE project

Albert Hall

Re: Neat

That'd be beer.

Departing Ballmer shakes up Microsoft's top engineering boffins

Albert Hall

What's in a name?

So now they can't be called Rudderless any more, am I right?

Windows 8 'sales' barely half as good as Microsoft claims

Albert Hall

Paris calling

Surely what they have brought forth is the Fune. "Will you 'and me ze Fune, please?"

Another Apple retail chief crashes out the door

Albert Hall

"Jim Bean is moving to Retail..."

To a counter job perchance?

Microsoft releases first Windows OS in an original American language

Albert Hall

Re: Reg Commentors, I am disappoint.

I understand their tag line was going to "The How starts now".

That was after they nixed "Windows How?"...

Should Microsoft merge Office into Windows - or snap it off?

Albert Hall

Refresh my memory, willya

Wasn't part of the "Seattlement" of the first anti-trust action that MS dictated to the Justice Department a self-imposed Chinese Wall separating the OS dev team from the apps teams? The one that a certain Justice Thomas Penfold Jackson was brought in to rubber stamp when the trial judge flatly refused to, I mean. Not being totally naive here, I'm curious if anyone understands how the subsequent course of MS' legal manoeuvring has played out in this regard.

Snake-fondling blonde nude punts Polish coffins

Albert Hall

There's a coffin in that pic?

Well, so there is! I must have been distracted by her humungous, um, snake.

Walmart workers filmed playing iPad frisbee

Albert Hall

See, it just works!

Please see title.

Gavel fails to fall for Apple 1

Albert Hall

Too right, typical Apple

I can get a perfectly decent DOS system from then with a proper keyboard, 4.7 kb memory and a monitor for less than half that! You know, what everybody uses to get real work done. And it comes in a box of some kind. Plus they threw in an Etch-a-Sketch. I'd rather put up my hard earned sheckels for two real computers than some Apple toy for brain-dead zombie sheep etc, etc.

New monkey species with massive blue arse found in Africa

Albert Hall

Well, I'll be a blue-arsed lesula!

Now I've seen everything...

Microsoft dumps Metro from Windows 8

Albert Hall


If they were to be inspired by Apple (could that really happen?) shirley they'd call it Win X OS. You know, kinda like "Office Open" doc format.

Albert Hall

Win WTF...

Yes, it fits!

Alternately, how 'bout Win L7... square enough?

Nokia flogged 4m Lumias, still bled €826m this quarter

Albert Hall

Neologism overload

"...but the mobile business is extremely seasonable..."

I'd take that with a pinch of salt.

Buffalo bundles USB 3.0 AND Thunderbolt in single drive

Albert Hall

Nice, but...

Round corners? Trouble ahead!

Bill Gates' used car sells for $80,000

Albert Hall

Yes, but...

... you could always check the seats for loose change. I would.

Man's car warns of AIR RAID OVER LONDON

Albert Hall

Shirley an oversight

Elvis Sighting... mandatory.

Austrian village considers a F**king name change

Albert Hall

Surely there's an opportunity in this...

It's a very small place but they need a Fucking Tourism Commission or some such thing. Then develop a Fucking business plan and big up the Fucking name – by that I mean rename it "Great Fucking". The highway signs – "Great Fucking Ahead" will do the rest for them. Yes, I know it translates to Gross Fucking but that may be it's own kind of attractant – who knows? Anyway, with a little initiative they can all become rich Fuckers!

A spa was suggested as another idea but somehow "Bad Fucking" doesn't have the quite the same cachet.

Albert Hall

Re: Welcome to Excellent

I couldn't find it with a Fucking map.

Lithuania rules beer brewing 'vitally essential' to life

Albert Hall

Re: How does that work?

So they'd be taking the piss then...

Albert Hall

Well, I can recall...

...just dying for a beer more than once. Saved my life then and may well again I tell you.

Death to Office or to Windows - choose wisely, Microsoft

Albert Hall

Re: Journotard

Agreed. Mr Assay is either willfully ignorant of recent history or is trying to rewrite it. Office '98 on the Mac was a straight out port of the DOS/Windows Office '97 and it bombed in the marketplace, being the utter crap you might expect.To MS's credit, they surveyed their vassals on the Mac platform, hired over 100 Mac programmers to show them how to code and released a pretty reasonable Mac-native product. They did it because they valued the business – a higher proportion of Mac users at the time used MS Office than did Windows users. When Mr Jobs returned to Apple in 1997 continued development of Office for Mac was one of the items involved in Steve and Bill's horse-trading along with making IE the default browser and MS coughing up for a few Apple shares to settle the case of their wholesale "adoption" of Quicktime code. Both benefited enormously.

You could say being hired by Steve Jobs in the 1980's to write Word and Excel for the then new Mac platform was Bill G's second lucky break (after his mum got Gerstner at IBM to listen his DOS pitch) and the beginning of their symbiotic if fractious relationship. As for Office on the iPad. I couldn't care less. But then I don't have one. Yet.

Shakira attacked by sea lion who mistook BlackBerry for a 'fish'

Albert Hall


she was just holding it wrong.

Apple Europe poaches Xbox PR mastermind

Albert Hall

Of course

They'll have him on a "dummy" project for six months or so... don't want any Elops slipping in, do we?

iPhone 5 rumoured to be packed with pay-by-bonk tech

Albert Hall

Patent on bonking?

Fuck that notion.

iPad Fleshlight lets fanbois express their love

Albert Hall

Just make sure you don't hold it wrong...

That is all.

Apple launches three-pronged education assault

Albert Hall

1000 words

Isn't that the Dell Dude in the yellow T-shirt? Looks like he's reading someone else's stuff! Dude, you've been Delled.

HP hawks huge 132in 'tablet'

Albert Hall

It will anyway...

BSOD included – no extra charge. Perfect if you hate starlings.

Water like that of Earth's oceans found in comet

Albert Hall

That would be...

...wet and salty?

Ballmer reprises 'developers, developers, developers' chant

Albert Hall

For pity's sake...

Someone get that poor duffer his white cane!

Microsoft delivers 'copy Apple' Windows 8 message

Albert Hall

Well, they can't...

They can't 'cause they haven't got a Gnome to go to.

After Jobs: Apple and the Cult of Disruption

Albert Hall

I was about to say that!

And it will be even more relevant going forward.

Nude gardener's arse hauled into court

Albert Hall

Neighbourly relations

I do hope we can trust the Reg to keep a watchful eye on this situation. As for this "practising" nudist, what's to practise? I mean really...

Other than keeping his hedges and fences to a suitable height, surely the best this put upon gent can do is to turn the other cheek?

MYSTERY of huge Canadian chicken-shed EXPLOSION

Albert Hall

Re. Canadian geese


I would like to correct the false impression created by a badly informed poster above. Judging by their vast numbers, fecundity and output of excreta, I would suggest that our geese are indeed well gruntled.

That is all.

Adobe Photoshop Express 2.0

Albert Hall

You didn't get the memo?

Please revert to the current meme... the fondlePad is a toy for content consumption. It is not a tool for content creation at an level or for anything real-world serious. I mean, no Excel?

Right. Carry on.

iPhone 4 SURVIVES plunge from plane

Albert Hall


He was holding it wrong.

Microsoft 'paid Nokia $1bn' for WinPho 7 deal

Albert Hall

Shades of Sendo Corp

So when the last fork is stuck in the NoWin corpse guess where the patents wind up... take your time.