Posts by Michael H.F. Wilkinson

BOFH: Loss adjuster discovers liability is a two-way street

Re: "the last full Moon on Feb. 29 was in 1972, and the next will be in 2048"

Nice power of two, that next one.

I'll get me coat

Brilliant episode, once again

"I don't know, perhaps it's precariously balanced on a pair of pallet lifters. Just as a hypothetical. ..."

That really cheered me up

Enforcing piracy policy earned helpdesk worker death threats

Chilling story

Glad I have never been in any such situation. In the Netherlands any large employer needs to have a health and safety officer or ombuds person to approach if you feel unsafe. Our university has a confidential advisor that can also be reached for these kind of issues. I have once referred someone to this advisor (not for violent threats, fortunately), and they were of great help. Rules here in the Netherlands can be found here:

https://business.gov.nl/regulations/staff/health-and-safety-at-work/

Dijkstra’s algorithm won’t be replaced in production routers any time soon

Quite apart from the very valid practical issues raised here, one should bear in mind shortest path algorithms have their uses elsewhere. Certain graph-cut methods seek a lowest cost path for e.g. image segmentation. This is a very different situation where n runs into tens of millions or billions. In this case, the new algorithm may show benefits. Besides, a new algorithm like this might inspire new algorithms in entirely different areas.

Tech support chap invented fake fix for non-problem and watched it spread across the office

Hilarious!

This could have come from the BOFH excuse calendar.

It reminds me a bit of the time a conductor complained about the excessive echo in a particular concert hall, claiming he could not have his orchestra perform this way. He asked the sound tech what could be done, and the sound tech with a complete poker face suggested replacing the red stage curtains with another colour (in this case blue). It was exactly the same fabric, with exactly the same acoustic properties, but the conductor was totally happy with the resulting "change".

New hire fixed a problem so fast, their boss left to become a yoga instructor

Quite a rare sight

It is rare for a lead admin and IT director to show their gratitude this way. Far too many would claim the successes of their underlings as their own. Hats off (leather Nebraska for me today) to the director and admin, and of course to Carl for finding the fault in the first place.

Techie's one ring brought darkness by shorting a server

No KZZEERT, no activity either

I once designed and soldered together an experimental PC board with PC/AT bus with a load of LS-TTL electronics to control the exposure time of a CCD video camera and microscope illumination. Inserting this into one of the lab's image processing stations and switching it on caused a distinct feeling of apprehension. I was half expecting some "KZZEERRT" type noises, some smoke, and the distinct smell of burnt silicon. However, nothing happened, which was a huge relief. I started up the controller program to detect the presence of the new board, and nothing continued to happen, which was less encouraging. I then poured over the design, and checked the documentation of the PC/AT bus. It turned out I had missed a thin line over the ACK pin, i.e. it was logically NOT ACK. Luckily I had a spare NAND gate on one of the 74LS00 chips on the board, and could use that to invert the ACK signal. The board worked flawlessly after that. I soldered together some 6 of them, and each time inserting them into a PC and switching it on made me nervous, but happily no fireworks ensued.

Autonomous cars, drones cheerfully obey prompt injection by road sign

Makes you wonder ...

how easy it would be to get such a car to drive off a cliff

BOFH: Eight pints of a lager and a management breakthrough

"... agility training for couch potatoes"

Sheer genius. Superb episode once more.

In-house techies fixed faults before outsourced help even noticed they'd happened

This reminds me of the notion of an "appeasement engineer" (someone with an engineering diploma so fresh the ink is only just dry), in what I believe is the very first BOFH episode (certainly the first I read).

Marketing 'genius' destroyed a printer by trying to fix a paper jam

Re: "we never loaned any of our tools to any of the non-IT staff ever again"

Even without the rule in place, I would be very suspicious if someone in an office environment asked me for pliers, or other tools (soldering irons spring to mind). I would definitely want to know what they were up to before I allow their grubby little hands to touch MY tools.

But then maybe I am paranoid

Or just experienced

Tech support detective solved PC crime by looking in the carpark

Those mechanics ...

were clearly not the sharpest tools in the box

I'll get me coat

Anthropic writes 23,000-word 'constitution' for Claude, suggests it may have feelings

Emotions? Really?

Who else is waiting for Claude to say "I think you ought to know I am feeling very depressed", before complaining about the pain in all the diodes down its left side.

Doffs hat (black Mayser Trekking today) to the late, great Douglass Adams.

I'll get me coat.

OpenAI is still figuring out how to make money, but wants you to believe in it

... new economic models will emerge

Or else we will let AI hallucinate these for us?

Just asking

BOFH: Every computer system eventually serves ads

Re: the Board members says. "That's from Hitchhiker's Guide."

I still have cassette tapes of the radio plays somewhere. I copied them to digital media years ago, but I couldn't bear to throw the old cassette tapes away.

Re: Good episode, but take note:

Interesting insight. I could get used to more alcoholic puddings

Engineer used welding shop air hose to 'clean' PCs – hilarity did not ensue

Unbelievable stupidity

I wouldn't like to even place, let alone open a PC up in any metal-working environment. That is just asking for short circuits with all the inevitable metal fragments

Techie banned from client site for outage he didn’t cause

One of Murphy's Laws at play

"No good deed ever goes unpunished"

Help desk read irrelevant script, so techies found and fixed their own problem

"We don't have Linux systems; we only support Windows"

Years ago, our university wanted to standardize IT support, so the computer science department I work in had to transfer our (very capable) sysadmins to the centralized IT department. We did insist that we keep working under Linux, and a university-standard Linux distribution was put in place, next to the standard Windows set-up used by the vast majority of the university. So far, so good.

However, the help desk was centralized as well, and where in the past I would simply call our sysadmins (or drop by their office) if there was a problem, and got it sorted without hassle, I now had to phone a help desk, where they first went through a script aimed at the standard Windows install. The first time this happened, I told the person on the other end that my machine was a Linux box, and he answered that they didn't support Linux, only Windows. I told him he was wrong, and I was running the university-standard Linux install, but he remained adamant there was no such thing. After a fairly pointless "Yes it is! - No it isn't" loop worthy of Monty Python, I threatened to file a complaint if he did not put me through to the sysadmin who installed the Linux system he said didn't exist. As I mentioned the name of said sysadmin he could hardly suggest that that person didn't exist, and the problem was quickly sorted.

All is well that ends well, I should add, as we now have a very capable sysadmin delegated from the IT department to our institute, so I do not have to answer any stupid script questions about Windows settings my machine does not have.

GNOME dev gives fans of Linux's middle-click paste the middle finger

Re: Another oldie

I use it endlessly, and miss it whenever I have to work on a Windows box. Why do people want to remove features that aren't in anybody's way?

Techie turned the tables on office bullies with remote access rumble

Neat trick

Risky, but well executed. Very mild revenge by BOFH standards, so one could consider this a lucky escape for both the bullies and Patrick.

BOFH: The Christmas spirit has run dry – time to show some chiller instinct

Nice come back of the non-drinkable alcohol

I suspected it would come in useful

Japan loses another H3 launcher, plus the satnav bird it carried

Re: Losing

In rocket-engineering speak, I would call it a RUD (Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly), rather than a loss

Always sad when that happens, even if you like fireworks

BOFH: All through the house, not a creature was stirring except the homicidal vacuum cleaner

Robots, the gifts that keep giving

especially when modded by the BOFH and/or PFY.

The mention of the permanent scarring was a nice touch.

Great episode once more!

User found two reasons – both of them wrong – to dispute tech support's diagnosis

Admirable restraint on the part of "Mike"

I am not sure I would have been as patient as that.

I am sure Simon might have had a different solution, possibly involving a cattle prod.

MI6 chief: We'll be as fluent in Python as we are in Russian

Anyone for INTERCAL?

Techie 'forgot' to tell boss their cost-saving idea meant a day of gaming

Re: Have you found a way to work without really working?

Of course not! We are perusing this illustrious online journal and dutifully keeping abreast with developments in the field!

Or at least that's what I tell people

What a cunning plan

Indeed it is a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it weasel

Doffs hat (black fedora today) to to "Hannah" and the authors of Blackadder

BOFH: If another meeting is scheduled, someone is going to have a scheduled accident

Re: 650k is enough

The BOFH would make that "640kV is enough"

I love the smell of burnt collagen in the morning

Good way to start a weekend with a scorchingly good BOFH episode

If not entirely unsurprising

User insisted their screen was blank, until admitting it wasn't

Reminds me of the time ...

a user claimed the image display of the microscopic image processing system I developed was upside down, and this had to do with the software update I had provided. I explained that the update did nothing to the screen, but she was adamant the software was the problem. I came to the lab, noted that the image display seemed fine, as all the letters on it weren't upside down, the status bar was in the right place, etc. She then said that the letters were OK, but the bacteria on the image were upside down, compared to how they looked through the microscope. I took one look at the microscope, rotated the camera 180 degrees, and the problem was solved.

Case closed ... except that moments later she claimed the mouse was working in reverse (cursor went left when the mouse when to the right, etc.). I again explained I had changed nothing in the mouse settings at all. Again, she was adamant the software update was to blame. Again I trundled over to the lab, looked at the mouse, rotated it 180 degrees so the "tail" was pointing away from the user, and declared the problem solved. To her credit, her cheeks did turn a fetching shade of scarlet in embarrassment. We both had a good laugh.

Vendor's secret 'fix' made critical app unusable during business hours

Re: Lost for words

A totally, gobsmackingly bad "design decision" (phrase used without prejudice) by the application vendors, and monumentally stupid decision by management to accept the vendor's "explanation".

The vendor had better not try this on any BOFH, or they might have an ... accident in the elevator, or a database normalisation warning (the latter seems more appropriate)

BOFH: Forward-facing AI brand experience meets forward-facing combustion risk management

"... as invaluable as the 1-port network switch, a marzipan heatsink, or write-only memory!"

Brilliant, the marzipan heatsink being a nicely seasonal touch, I feel. Neat little bit of foreboding with the mention of the words non-iron being more of a warning than a product feature

Cabling survived dungeons and fish factories, until a lazy user took the network down

Re: The Place Where The Sun Does Not Shine

Slice is in the kingdom of Lancre, if I recall correctly

Dame Emma Thompson gives the 'AI revolution' both barrels

Re: It really is irritating - try LaTeX

Depends on the editor you use. No problems in emacs, but I use OverLeaf on-line for joint work, and it now also has added AI crap. I haven't yet found a way of getting that to shut up completely.

Actor couldn’t understand why computer didn’t work when the curtain came down

Our research group once did an unannounced Halloween prank by all coming dressed (in)appropriately to our university. Some students, and colleagues from other groups were somewhat befuddled when they saw me sweeping through the corridors, clad in a long black hooded robe, skull ring and black staff as John Hix, Professor of Post-Mortem Communications (definitely NOT necromancy!!).

The Chinese Box and Turing Test: AI has no intelligence at all

'Mechanical Boris Johnsons'

Hilarious! I'm definitely stealing that.

Reminder to self: don't drink tea whilst reading the comments on the Reg

Frustrated consultant 'went full Hulk' and started smashing hardware

Re: Poor Ted

Don't make him angry! You wouldn't like him when he's angry!

I'll get me coat

BOFH: Saving the planet, one falsified metric at a time

Hilarious!!

"... to announce the Boss's decision to pursue employment opportunities in the energy sector in a more deregulated environment."

Absolutely brilliant

New boss took charge of project code and sent two billion unwanted emails

Not so much Tim Nice-But-Dim

More a case of Dick Not-Nice-and-Thick

Trust the AI, says new coding manifesto by Kim and Yegge

"not too bad for throwaway weekend projects."

Is it me, or does this statement basically admit the results of vibe coding are best thrown away?

I tend to agree with that conclusion.

"Trust me ..."

Except of course when Moist Von Lipwig says "Trust me"

I'll beg getting my coat. The one with "Going Postal" in the pocket, please

Company that made power systems for servers didn’t know why its own machines ran out of juice

A case of oops rather than UPS

Sorry, couldn't resist. I'd better be going

'Fax virus' panicked a manager and sparked job-killing Reply-All incident

Fax machines, that brings back memories

There's a relic of fax machines to be found if the TIFF file format in the form of CCITT modified Huffman run-length encoding. I recall implementing that in my own TIFF-IO module for our image processing systems, way back when (1993, as I recall).

I also recall stories of fax machines being set up to send reports to the head office after midnight. Sometimes the phone number hadn't been entered correctly so some poor sod got woken up in the middle of the night, pick up the phone, and being treated to the scream of a fax machine trying to update sales figures.

Techies tossed appliance that had no power cord, but turned out to power their company

Guilty as charged

(and wholly unrepentant)

They should have labelled the device with a clear sign saying "WHATEVER YOU DO, NEVER DISCONNECT THIS DEVICE!!!"

On the other hand, people being people, the paint would not have time to dry before someone unplugged it to see what would happen.

Client defended engineer after oil baron-turned tech support entrepreneur lied about dodgy dealings

Or he was a case of finely distilled incompetence

BOFH: Recover a database from five years ago? It's as easy as flicking a switch

Old kit disposal?

I've heard of that ...

For some reason there's still an old Compaq 80486 DX @ 60 MHz with 8 MB RAM and an ancient tape drive, and a hand-soldered experimental video camera exposure control ISA-Bus board I designed during my PhD work. You never know when that old tape drive might come in handy.

Techie found an error message so rude the CEO of IBM apologized for it

Nothing offensive, just impossible

Working on a parallel program for simulations of bacterial interaction in the gut micro-flora, I got an "Impossible Error: W(1) cannot be negative here" (or something similar) from the NAG library 9th order Runge-Kutta ODE solver on our Cray J932. The thing was, I was using multiple copies of the same routine in a multi-threaded program. FORTRAN being FORTRAN, and the library not having been compiled with the right flags for multi-threading, all copies used the same named common block to store whatever scratch variables they needed. So different copies were merrily overwriting values written by other copies, resulting in the impossible error. I ended up writing my own ODE solver

Having achieved the impossible, I felt like having breakfast at Milliways