Posts by Admiral Grace Hopper

BOFH: HR tries to think appy thoughts

Stop doing this

Every time Simon seems to be transcribing a meeting/shitstorming session that I have sat through I get a crick in my neck from nodding along. The older I get, the more it hurts.

808 lines of BBC BASIC and a dream: Arm architecture turns 40

Still the best keyboard I used in my career. Not sad at all.

Re: Science Museum

I do much the same whenever I go the TNMoC at Bletchley. I was only one interview away from working on one of the actual machines still running there.

Users hated a new app – maybe so much they filed a fake support call

On a job very early in my career I was driving a van, delivering meat products and picking up stuff for the factory. Having driving from the factory in the West Midlands to a warehouse in Bolton, I checked in with the boss on the warehouse's landline (mobile phones only being found in the boss' Jag in those days, rather than a Transit van).

"I've made the drop, I'm on my way back now".

"Can you do a pick up on the way back?".

"Sure, where is it?"

"Poole".

"The one in Dorset?"

"Yes".

"I'll need a stopover. Do you want me to wave as I drive past?"

"Eh? What do you mean?"

"Get the map out, Dave".

"Oh".

Nuclear center must replace roof on 70-year-old lab so it can process radioactive waste

Nuclear power is so highly regulated in the 2020s because of the move fast and leak nucleotides phase of the 1950s.

Top Trump officials text secret Yemen airstrike plans to journo in Signal SNAFU

Re: According to Pete Hegseth...

I enjoyed the description of him as a DUI hire.

Accenture: DOGE's federal procurement review is hurting our sales

Ah, Ace Ventura

Having worked on a project that had to interface with another system delivered (well, sorta kinda) and supported (well, sorta kinda) by Accenture my sympathy is rather constrained.

Trump says US should kill CHIPS Act, use the cash to cut debt

Mmmmmmm ... chips

I fancy a portion of chips right now. With gravy.

SpaceX has an explanation for the Falcon 9 bits that hit Poland

We've been here before

Someone else with a penchant for a Roman salute lobbed projectiles into Poland in the C20th.

Time to make C the COBOL of this century

C is the new COBOL

I assume you mean that it will underpin more of the world of finance, banking, transport and government than you image for many decades to come and provide employment for many grey-haired code-slingers in the West and fresh-faced young programmers in India for as long as it does so.

You know something's wrong when Clippy fills you with nostalgia for simpler times

Re: Feh!

The 10th March this year is Bob's 30th birthday.

Techie fluked a fix and found himself the abusive boss's best friend

Re: The Power of Fear!

One of the best testers I ever worked with had this skill. We called him, "Entropy's Little Buddy". There was nothing he could not break.

Re: Bluffing

Same here.

"So what language was it in the end?"

"No idea. It had curly brackets though".

Even Netflix struggles to identify and understand the cost of its AWS estate

Wait for the business' response when your colleague's code spins up an extra million or so instances due to a mistyped bounding condition. All of a sudden the management overhead that stops that sort of thing looks like money well spent. Ask me (or better still, my colleague) how I (we) know.

OS/2 expert channeled a higher power to dispel digital doom vortex

MS Guru

Many years ago, when SQL Server 6 was US and Canada only and we were definitely not supposed to be developing on that version in the UK, we found an issue with the database that we were creating. We called Microsoft and after going through several layers of tech support they decided that it was beyond their ability to fix over the phone (this was many years ago, after all) so they would despatch a human being to investigate.

The next day a giant of a bearded man with poor personal hygiene arrived from Seattle to stare at our database and our code. After three days of staring, occasionally typing and even less occasionally grunting or asking for coffee, he said, "Got it, I'll send a fix". He flew back to Seattle and a fix was emailed to us a day later. Our stinking, silent, staring guru had fixed things and all was well. We went live before the UK & Europe embargo expired.

CrowdStrike blames a test software bug for that giant global mess it made

The same techies that put the Shut Down command on the Start menu?

Test, test, then test again.

I'm explaining the value of testing to a bunch of wanna-be junior techies this week and the CrowdStrike shenanigans have been an excellent example.

Dangerous sandwiches delayed hardware installation

Self inflicted

While working for a Large Government Department in the 1980s when the IRA used explosive methods of making their political point, there was much excitement when a large, unexpected parcel arrived. Procedures were followed - alarms, evacuation, bomb disposal squad, the full works. After being safely destroyed the parcel was found to contain a consignment of leaflets on how to deal with suspicious packages.

An arc welder in the datacenter: What could possibly go wrong?

My physics teacher's complexion underwent a swift (and fortunately non-permanent) change after he welded the petrol tank on his Peugeot.

And that's 3 recalls for Tesla Cybertruck in as many months

As my father used to call the company - Joe Lucas, Prince of Darkness.

(When the electrics fail on your 1950s motorbike it will still run as long as the magneto spins, but the lights won't light)

Techie installed 'user attitude readjustment tool' after getting hammered in a Police station

Re: Keep your feet warm

I remember querying the spec for a database server used for development. The dev lead told me that he had poor circulation and that the extra processors were more about keeping his feet warm than handling DB queries. He got his extra processors.

O, wad some power the Giftie gie us

The team prankster learnt how we saw him at his leaving drinks when we gave him a 20 foot aluminium ladder as a leaving gift. Ever seen a drunk man getting a 20 foot ladder onto a train? Highly entertaining

The origin of 3D Pipes, Windows' best screensaver

Re: My main memory of these ...

Came here to post this. We couldn't work out why one processor on a lightly-loaded database server was permanently maxed out until we went and looked at it and realised that all those pipes didn't draw themself. Our bad, at least it was quickly resolved.

The chip that changed my world – and yours

Re: It lasted 50 years, but history finally claimed it

I remember the feeling of surprise I felt while dissecting a washing machine when I found a 6502 processor sitting there. I spent many happy hours of my youth writing assembler for that chip, but only after (back on topic) cutting my teeth learning the base instructions for the Z80 chip on a ZX81.

BOFH: Smells like Teams spirit

Work stuff

"Welcome on board. We use Slack for work stuff and Teams for management shit".

I knew I was going to get on with my new team.

Help! My mouse climbed a wall and now it doesn't work right

Never assume, always check

When introducing people to new input devices or screen artefacts it's always good to remember that we aren't born knowing this stuff if someone doesn't grok it immediately then more often than not it's the explanation that is lacking. That being said, given that an architect works in a world of spatial relationships I might have been biting my lip to point of drawing blood in this instance.

Your trainee just took down our business and has no idea how or why

2000 AD

Zarjaz!

Fujitsu's 30-year-old UK customs system just keeps hanging on

IDMS(X)

Another of the last systems standing using IDMS(X) retires gracefully long after its planned life expectancy.

What's brown and sticky and broke this PC?

Chocolate?

If you want to kill something properly you need orange juice.

Dave's not here, man. But this mind-blowingly huge server just, like, arrived

Laundering

On the death of a washing machine, the quickest way to get a replacement was to buy one from a someone selling one locally on eBay and go and pick it up. The seller, who reminded me of a chatty Silent Bob, helped me load it in my car. When I got the first load of washing out it seemed to smell strongly of Piccadilly Gardens in Manchester. Checking the machine over, I found a very soggy packet of shredded, strongly perfumed leaves in the washing powder hopper. I didn't bother telling non-Silent Bob that I'd found his stash as it seemed to be long past capable of combustion.

Techie climbed a mountain only be told not to touch the kit on top

Re: I see what you did there!!!

Oh, but surely we all reach for the words of Edmund Blackadder from time to time?

"Whatever it was, I’m sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?".

Standards-obsessed boss ignored one, and suffered all night for his sin

Well, it was on him. Quite literally.

Tesla Cybertruck gets cyberstuck during off-roading expedition

No Giugiaro

I'm a fan of the 1970s folded paper school of car design, but my word, that is an ugly vehicle.

Re: Boat

Might work best as a boat anchor.

Politicos demand full list of Fujitsu's public sector contract wins in wake of Post Office scandal

Re: "what processes the department has in place to measure the performance of any contracts"

I have been wondering who signed off the releases. Every time I sent something off to production I knew that I was on the hook if it turned to crap.

Bullet dodged

Imagine the sense of relief / scuttling around burning evidence [delete as appropriate] going on at Capita/CapGemini/Atos etc. while Fujitsu are quite rightly in the firing line.

Fujitsu will not bid for UK.gov business until Post Office inquiry closes

Re: Why Fujitsu

The ICL mainframes were very nice to work on indeed, designed and developed by people who knew what they were doing.

The ICL Wikipedia entry is quite good on the corporate history without delving into the in-fighting that went along with the various shenanigans, but there are colourful accounts from combatants in that internecine war to found on the internet.

Remember when enterprise administration was more than just a browser dashboard?

Re: Sad times!

I was very happy to be able to run my fingers over the keys of a DRS20 once more. That keyboard had a lovely feel and action.

Hmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaahhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhmmmmmmmm

A highlight of being the room with the 2900 while it was running reminded me of how you could tell what was going on by the noise that it made as it ran the loaded programme. Of course modern processors generate sound too, but at frequencies that are beyond my ears and probably those of bats too.

How governments become addicted to suppliers like Fujitsu

The last project delivered by the Inland Revenue's internal IT division before it was privatised. All function points delivered working and tested, on time, under budget.

UK PM promises faster justice for Post Office Horizon victims

Re: The Crown Prosecution Service bares equal culpability

CPS weren't involved in the prosecutions. The Post Office used their own powers of prosecution to bring the cases to court.

BOFH: The Christmas party was so good, an independent inquiry is required

I guess the truth hurts.

Excel is just a glorified calculator.

Musk floats idea of boat mod for Cybertruck

Fizzzzzzzzzzz!

If it wasn't for all the lithium and the way it plays nicely with water I am sure that it would make a very good boat anchor.

PLACEHOLDER ONLY Someone please write witty headline here

GEORGE (the OS) and George the man.

I had the pleasure of working on GEORGE 3 but I never met the man himself. I worked with his son, which was a good experience with him being a fine fellow and an excellent programmer.

NASA engineers scratch heads as Voyager 1 starts spouting cosmic gibberish

Re: Have they tried

In my internal monologue I still, "key the box".

I was lucky enough to be invited to IPL the ICL 2900 at Bletchley Park on my last visit. Felt quite like old times.

You don't get what you don't pay for, but nobody is paid enough to be abused

The Three Most Beautiful Words In The English Language

Cover Your Arse.

I was introduced to the CYA file at the start of my career and it has been of use as recently as yesterday. Today isn't over yet.

Enterprising techie took the bumpy road to replacing vintage hardware

We've all made that call.

"It's not working, I need a new one".

"Is it definitely broken? It might still be repairable"

"I'll just check"

* pushing/sliding/falling/hard landing/breaking noises *

"No, it's definitely broken beyond repair".

BOFH: Just because we've had record revenues doesn't mean you get a Xmas bonus

Ah, "the bonus situation"

Doing live support deep into the dark hours of the morning seemed to incline many of us to channel Stanton and Parker. Happy memories of the good ship Nostromo.

Microsoft's code name for 64-bit Windows was also a dig at rival Sun

We're currently working on Project Gold. I'm keeping my expectations low.

BOFH: Groundbreaking discovery or patently obvious trolling?

Ideal platform

It sounds like the ideal platform for performing fuzzy logic.