Posts by Random Noise

Texas Instruments aims lawyers at calculator hackers

12.5 integers?

How can you have half an integer?

Hospital loses vital cancer research to thieves

Not acceptable

Ok- it's pretty low stealing from a hospital, but not having a backup of this software is completely unacceptable.

They didn't back it up because the laptop was new? So if it was an older laptop they would have a backup?

Presumably whoever was working on this software must of had some kind of IT experience? How can they not keep copies of it?

If you're working at the bleeding edge of research you should be keeping a secure backup somewhere surely. Maybe they were worried about some numpty losing the USB key he backed the software up on to while riding the train.

Futuristic head-mounted PC launching in 2010

Virtual screen

Many moons ago I had to do a project for Computing at school & had to investigate the future of computers.

I did a bit about wearable computers and one of the things I discovered was a laser which would draw the 'screen' directly on your retina.

It's been over 10 years since I did that- the screen on this thing just looks like a tiny LCD which sits in the centre of your field of view. Why haven't they perfected beaming the image into my eye already?

Come on boffins , pull the finger out.

Ford says new Taurus 'is fitted with stealth fighter radar'

My Car

My car features rail guns on a par with secret US Navy warships!

Ok, ok it's got some solenoids which are used to lock the door remotely.

TV crime show host 'ordered ratings-boosting hits'

Edmonds

I can just see Noel Edmonds on the red phone ordering hits on people working in the City to give him & 'the banker' some interesting chat to boost ratings.

Powered robot suits make debut on Tokyo streets

Troopers

Is it just me or does anyone else think this would look awesome as part of a storm trooper costume?

Tokyo battles monstrous murder of crows

Shitehawks

We have the same problem in Aberdeen with seagulls. They get pretty big scavenging the leftover kabobs and pizzas strewn about after a beery night out.

They're pretty mean too - I saw one kill & eat a pigeon. I seems to recall a story about some woman who's little rat of a dog got attacked too.

It's only a matter of time before they eat someone's baby.

Won't somebody think of the children and make some kind of automatic seagull targeting turret?

Boffin calculates cash value of memories

@Tony Smith

"I think if we played stories like this straight, you'd have a point. We don't, so you don't.

I draw your attention to the later paragraphs in the story..."

Fair point, I just thought that if you didn't print the 'silly formula' stories at all it might go some way toward stopping PR companies from coming out with such nonsense.

Anything that makes science reporting more credible has to be a good thing.

Anyway it's Friday night so have a beer on me :)

Why?

Why does El reg keep playing in to hands of the filthy marketeers by printing their private company funded research press releases?

These are not news stories, they are adverts.

Ok, so it's for tech hardware, but why not just write a review of said kit?

Hurt yourself? Try f**king swearing

Interesting

I wonder if they know how the swear word becomes stored / linked to that part of your brain.

Everyone has to learn swear words the same way they learn normal words so something must cause certain words to be connected in this way.

'Alien' lifeform wakened from 120,000 year Arctic slumber

Viral

Perhaps this is actually a cunning Viral (badum tish) marketing campaign for the soon to be remade version of 'The Thing'.

Let face it it's never going to be as good as Carpenters version so they have to hype it plenty to get bums on seats.

New York cops seek tech solution to plod-v-plod shootings

Off-duty

If the guy was off-duty and in his civvies, presumably he wasn't carrying his departmental weapon? All the smart guns in world couldn't have let the other officers know this guy was a cop. Maybe they want to implant chips into all sworn officers instead?

Sounds like some defense contractors trying to use a tragic death as a way of increasing profits.

Also what will happen when they create these rfid enabled officers? They will be built as an insecure system because to build in any decent sort of encryption would eat into profits.Before long any half decent crim will be able to tell where the cops are at any given moment.

Pointless exercise. The sad fact is that armed officers have to make split second decisions under pressure and innocent people are shot.

Johnson handed Home Office brief

Change? Hell no

>- Drop Biometric ID cards and the National ID Database

Not likely mate

http://www.theyworkforyou.com/mp/alan_johnson/kingston_upon_hull_west_and_hessle#votingrecord

Mr Johnson is probably gonna be worse than Waqui.

Deleted Tweets found living in the hereafter

@ IPB

"My first pet was called Pussy. I have a great porn name."

What kind of dog was it?

Danger Mouse seems to want fans to pirate his blocked release

Re: An Old Cynic says

I have to agree with Columbo. Oh sorry 'Foulkes'.

These marketeers are sneaky , tricksy folks.

As Bill Hicks said 'If you're in marketing or advertising; kill yourself. No really'

Samsung unfolds phone with e-ink panel

E-Ink? Lame!

E-ink was so yesterday. Check out what the boffins at Carnege Mellon have made:

http://www.reghardware.co.uk/2009/04/28/cmu_touchscreen_popup/

Ireland bucks trend with anti-blasphemy law

Strike me down.

Jesus Christ! that's the most ridiculous thing I've read in ages. When will these idiots learn? I mean for god's sake!

Irish Wikifiddler hoaxes worldwide journos

Dead Tree Press

Newspapers have been suffering for a while now. Many blame online news sites such as El Reg.

I'd recommend anyone who wants a good insight into exactly why many hacks are being reduced to using information they only just read themselves minutes before to read 'Flat Earth News' by Nick Davies.

Also series 5 of 'The Wire' shows some of the inner workings of a news room quite nicely.

That's actually why I value The register as a good source of news- it seems that you guys quite regularly come out with new & insightful stories you don't read anywhere else because you have actually researched them yourself rather than copy & pasting from a news feed. On occasion I see the odd story which is pretty closely word for word what is on BBC news but you cant investigate every story fully.

Too much sunshine makes you commit suicide

Top new tech to resolve issue

I will soon be marketing my new tech in North as a solution to the summer suicide problem.

I call my wondrous new technology "The Curtain" TM. It is made of a special material which contains the darkness in the room, and by not allowing darkness to escape stops the user from suffering from an overabundance of light.

Those of you looking for a good escape from the current financial crisis would do well to buy shares in my company as the price can only go up.

US Forces 'black' budget = 2nd biggest military on Earth

Black Budget

The black budget doesn't have to be itemised & therefore they don't need to prove that at least some kind of tender process took place.

Makes it even easier to shovel cash into Chenyburton et al.

Exam bosses target faster cheat takedowns

Stable door...

Once its online it's probably been copied to multiple places. Taking down the offending host isn't going to stop the circulation after that. This whole thing seems like a huge waste of time / effort and most likely public funds.

Once something has been leaked surely the only option is to use a new paper?

UK graduates face bleak future as teachers

@W

I think the answer for the pension shortfall would be a large population cull. If only there was some kind of virulent disease that could cause a global pandemic & kill off a large percentage of the population.......

Darling's £0.5bn offshore windfarm 'leccy-bill stealth levy

Pissing in the wind

"Mr Darling also found £45 million for small scale renewables like wind turbines on houses ..."

Why do they keep pissing in the wind with idiotic projects like this? Wind turbines on houses are pointless unless you live atop a particularly drafty hill.

No doubt a lot of money is going to be spent on pointless tech.

Wonder where the lobbying backhander went on this scheme?

Google boffins unveil 'What's Up?' CAPTCHA

Kittens

I seem to remember a similar idea from a few years ago where you had to determine where the kitten was in a series of pictures of puppies.

HP packing workers seal bosses in conference room

How big?

Presumably the room was about 600x time the size of the man trapped inside?

Jamaica cracks down on 'daggering' after broken todger upswing

With such a graphic description of the pain...

...Jamaican me wince.

BSA hijacks Somali pirate hype

Up to $1m??!?

If they're giving out rewards for reporting piracy...

You boys should get down the Glasgow Barras.

Send my check to Random Noise c/o El Reg.

Storage firm hopes to cut IP litigation costs with escrow discovery

Laptop?

Why not use a desktop PC (don't install a network card, then you don't need to *disable* anything.

The PC should be in a locked cabinet so you can't get at those USB (or any other) ports.

Don't forget the roofies too so no-one with a good memory can write down the source later on.

US outlines secretive international piracy deal

Oh Noes

You made Wolverine cry! We shall punish you all by secretly filtering your web traffic.

BMW opens up to haptic car doors

If only

If only the technology could let a certain heiress to a large hotel chain know when she's flashing some gash while exiting the car door. Think of all the money the paps would lose.

Carbon capture would create fizzy underground oceans

erm

"..reasonably points out that if an old gas field could hold onto its gas for thousands of years, it's reasonable to think it might hold onto fizzy water too"

Bit of a leap of faith here surely? The way we are currently sucking gas out of many of our aging fields we are actually damaging the formation.

The gas may have sat there nicely for millions of years, but when we start drilling multiple holes into the same field it damages the reservoir.

Add to this the fact that when a field is largely depleted we can no longer rely on the gas freely flowing so we resort to applying a pressure differential to the top of the well (think of sucking through a straw). The more we do this, the more we see solids being produced by the wells. These solids are the first signs that we are damaging the reservoir. Now quite a few of the wells I know of produce solids. In addition there are plenty of wells where concrete liners etc have become deformed due to downhole damage.

Basically we have raped the gas fields to within an inch of their lives, so don't bet on being able to just pump down a shit load of CO2 and expect it not to leak.

Expect the North Sea to become like the Bermuda Triangle as lots of ships suddenly disappear mysteriously....

Florida cops taser satnav lake plunge woman

@Sarah

"So that's it. Absolutely and utterly fuck the lot of you. I've packed up my stuff and deleted my Reg email account. I don't have another job to go to, but I'd rather sign on than have to mop up your nasty, noxious crap for a minute longer."

I suspect that the whole 'I'm deleting my account' part was perhaps part April Fools (otherwise how are we reading this?), however I bet you were still glad to have a good go at all of us (to use a phrase I hate) 'commentards'. I think the standard of comment on the reg has slipped in the past year or so- we seem to have lost the dazzling wit of the commentators I seem to remember with my rose tinted memories of the glory days of old.

Anyway sounds like you could use a hug and / or beer.

As far as most reg readers go anyway you sadly have to expect a high degree of misogyny. This is an IT news site, and it's a sad fact that a large percentage of the industry comprises men (with a tendency towards 'single' men). Not trying to justify it, but as you so succinctly put it probably most us have 'never had a woman in our lives'. Add to that the fact it's the internet (where nobody knows your name) and your actions have (seemingly) no consequence.

Anyway on behalf of a reg reader who felt suitably chastised- my humblest apologies. ;)

Have to agree..

..with the comments about the fact this so sadly could be true.

I mean its a great April fools story - it has all the elements Reg readers have come to love in a news report: tasers, fat dumb yanks, sat navs putting people in harms way etc.

It is true though that despite knowing it's a fool that I kept thinking 'This could well be true'. Obviously the mark of a good writer.

Lester, it won't be long before you are bundled into the back of a van & forced to work at the Ministry of Truth.

LG fu**ed off with swearing

Porn Button

Always used to think that porn button would be pretty good... you're watching the hot weather girl then press abutton and all her clothes fall off.. and it's too late coz you've seen everything.

Government wastes £4.6m on mobile telly nonsense

FOI

I've put in a FOI request here http://www.whatdotheyknow.com/request/46m_spent_on_condom_awareness

I presumed that Bill Ray had already attempted similar by the tone of his article, but it can't hurt to ask again.

4.6 million quid?

So basically they've put together some videos (lets say a couple hundred thousand quid as a generous amount) put it on some internet sites (free, barring the time it takes some staffer to do it) and running the service for mobiles (no idea of cost, but cant be more than another couple hundred thou maximum.

Where the f**K has this money gone? All into the hands of some PR firm!

I think where public money is being spent there should be 100% transparency i.e we should be able to see all invoices etc. Where mad amounts of cash are being splodged we should have the right to demand that these companies are never used for govt work again.

The gravy train must be derailed!

Connecticut cop forced to shoot chimp

Non lethal

Why shoot him? What ever happened to non-lethals?

"Don't tase me (99%*) bro"

*Or whatever the most recent DNA comparisons say.

Satellites crash over Siberia: Iridium bird destroyed

Conspiracies

You're clearly all wrong. This was an intentional act brought about to generate public support for Star Wars Laser V2.0!

Watch out for 'scientists invent way to clear space debris' headlines on your favourite IT news site in the near future.

R2-D2 robots with frikkin lasers on them in development

Fallout 3

Not long now till we have Gatling lasers!

I can picture the Jesse Ventura character in a future Hollywood remake of Predator wielding one of these bad boys. "I aint got time to bleed".

Obama insists on FOI

Gary..

If only McKinnon had waited. He could have just put in a FOI request to find out the aliens have visited New Mexico.

Hitachi highlights gesture-controlled HD TV

Only 1 problem..

.. now you can't stop the missus from watching whatever shite she wants by hiding the remote (unless you cut her hands off).

First case of sleep emailing documented

And the twist is...

..she was Tyler all along.

Brit forces get hoverstare ducted-fan droid

Scare

They should put a white sheet on top to scare the insurgents into thinking it's a ghost so that they don't just blow it out the sky with a well aimed shot.

Cows can't detect earthquakes: Official

Surely by now

someone must have used the obligatory 'Did the earth mooooove?'

Violet Mir:ror DIY RFID kit

Point?

What is the point of this thing?

I understand how it works etc, but what would anyone actually use this for on a daily basis? Seems like a pointless waste of resources to me. Too many designers / engineers waste their abilities making tat like this when they could be spending their time on something to make the world a better place.

McKinnon lawyers push for UK trial

@ Oliver Mayes

<quote>OK the US military were at fault for not securing their systems properly, but if you accidentally leave your front door unlocked and I wander in and go through all your stuff and potentially help myself to anything I like the look of you wouldn't just say "Oh sorry, my mistake. Off you go then". You'd expect me to be prosecuted for entering your premises illegally.</quote>

Slight problem with your analogy. this was a MILITARY system. You don't expect the 'most advanced' nation in the world would leave the door to all their armories unlocked so anyone could walk in & pick up a gun do you? These systems should have been secure. There is no excuse for the piss poor security they had in place.

He freely admits he broke the law as he has pleaded guilty. He is not trying to get off with the crime, what he is protesting about is being taken over to the US and tried over there (where most likely he will disappear).

@ All the people saying he will be given a fair trial across the pond

Seriously, do you believe the US system will give him a fair trial? And if they do he will be allowed back to the UK to serve his time?

His plane won't even land in the states, just a few 'friendly countries' as stop-overs on the extreme rendition service to Gitmo.

With Patriot act V2 in place they can do what ever they want to him.

Oh I forgot, if you actually try to point out how horrendous the Patriot act is you're not an proud brave American citizen are you?

Forget Google rationing: Only lighting farts can save the planet

The real question is..

..how many kettles worth of C02 did you produce while writing this article?

Well, there was your laptop being on, you sitting there farting as you concentrated on the numbers (last nights Vindaloo didn't help), your lighting, radio playing in background etc etc.

You could have been better going & making Sarah Bee a cup of tea (bless her she's working hard today) and going home early.

Bees on cocaine: The facts

Riiiiiiiiiight

So some reasearchers are getting funded to buy loads of coke to give to the 'bees'.

And there's a credit crunch going on!

White lab coat icon to hide all the coke that got 'accidentally' spilled *sniff*

Sky demonstrates 3D telly vision

3D

>3D is slated to hit cinemas next year

Wow, what is this new technology with 3 dimensions? I've never heard of this before.

Doesn't it sound wonderful?

/sarcasm