* Posts by ThinkingOutLoud

68 publicly visible posts • joined 11 Aug 2008


Stick a fork in floppies - they're done

Paris Hilton

The demise of Data...

...is not due to the storage life of the media it's stored in, but the means to play it back.

After all, who do you know able to read and copy/save those 5 1/4" floppies, 3" Amstrad WPC disks, Sinclair Microdrives, etc? My ancient Apricot's 3.5" DSDD 720K disks crash my XP PC. There may be specialist conversion firms out there, but that only confirms how fragile modern data is and why my loft is full of hard copies of stuff my friends point at and laugh at me for.

Printers? Oh yeah, I also worked my way through a Diablo daisywheel (£500), an Epson 9pin dot matrix (£300), a Canon portable inkjet (£200), and many others before settling on a modern HP inkjet, a big f*ck*ff, networked, HP Colour LaserJet and a Samsung mono laser I've now had for over ten years because it's only been fed £20 worth of toner since I bought it!...

Paris because her copy book was blotted long ago.

Good night,


Guinness to hit three quid a pint

Paris Hilton

Alcohol pricing


If kids and adults are determined to get pissed into an early grave, they will sell their mothers to happy Arab traders for a bottle of their best brew. Price per unit will never exceed price per relative, pet, neighbour's LCD TV.

Unless and until we deal with our binge drinking culture, we're FUBAR.

See you all on a weekend High St. night...

Paris because I'd like to take her away from the High St. and... never mind.

The return of the Psion-sized PC

Paris Hilton


The original S5 remains a lesson in great design, well ahead of its time. But as with other areas if industry, being better doesn't guarantee success. Beta v. VHS anyone? (The irony being that Sony sold the VHS licence to JVC in order to pursue Betamax as the better format! Bugger.)

Paris because, oh, I don't care anymore...

Catholics slam PETA nude adopt-a-mutt poster

Paris Hilton


This reminds me of a sketch by the late, great, Bill Hicks, where he likened Christians' wearing of the crucifix to JFK supporters wearing a handgun necklace... All the same, isn't it?

Paris because she must be pissed off at not getting this gig. Guess we've all seen her chihuahua by now.

Zero-day fixes star in biggest ever Patch Tuesday

Paris Hilton

In M$'s defence...

If they had to anticipate every possible attack variant, we'd still be waiting for 3.11FWG. Get enough people hitting the Big Guy, a punch will get through from time to time.

While I despise the way they behaved at times to get where they are, who else makes PC use easy for people who move their lips while they read? (In my neighbourhood they still point at airplanes)

As much as I admire OpenOffice, which I use on my works laptop, MS Office is sooo much easier to use.

Apple users may scoff but if Stevie J had licensed the OS, they'd be in the same position as M$. Besides, they're still bitter about not getting the best games...

Linux is getting much better but still needs you to stick your head under the bonnet (hood for US readers) and you're back to using OpenOffice again.

For all you say about Gates & Ballmer, what have you achieved so far? No, not even close...

Paris because, unlike G&B, she's become famous while doing F*ck-all.

Microsoft harries XP-loving biz customers on to Windows 7

Paris Hilton

Upgrade? Why?

Dear Micro$oft,

It seems you did such a good job with XP as is now, there is no compelling reason to move away from it. Congratulations M$, you finally did something right! Hey, it's even better than Win3.11FWG!

What? You don't care for compliments about XP anymore? But... but, I thought you cared!

As for Win7, I appreciate you telling me about it, as you did with Vista, but I'll just hang on to XP a while longer. It works SOo well...

Nice hearing from you. Take care.

Oh, I think Paris is going for it. Bless...

NAO tells MoD to keep tabs on its kit

Paris Hilton

Inventory administrator?

I reckon much of kit issuing is done through paper dockets, piled on desktop spikes waiting to be processed once a month by a part time lady who should have retired 15 years ago.

She keeps leaving her reading glasses in the house and reckons it won't matter much if she drops any dockets she can't read in the bin. Any dockets not dealt with at the end of the day get thrown away.

Of course, the bloke handing out the kit from stores reckons he'll remember to fill the dockets at the end of each day. After all, who needs signatures when you know the same group of people asking for the same stuff every time? Those secure radios must be ever so unreliable if replacements are needed twice a week... When stock runs low, he orders more, thankfully without the need to account for any given out.

Oh, let's not forget the senior manager. He asks for meaningless reports full of data devoid of context. As long as there are bar or pie charts somewhere, he's happy. (He must be a man because a woman might start asking questions.)

Christ, I can't keep this up.

Anyone out there able to corroborate my assumptions?

Paris because after typing this I want to have sex with her.

(F**k me. Although typing this while pissed, all my spell/grammar checher can moan about is that I fragmented two sentences. Must drink more, and more often.)

Pirate Bay sinks under electric storm

Paris Hilton


...the System will get them all. I don't want it to but in the end most rebels lose, give up or die trying.

Let's look forward to a fighting return!

I thought EZTV was toast after their "relocation" but they're back and better than before.

Paris because I'd love to dock on her bay.

Brazilian TV ad: Save water, piss in the shower

Paris Hilton

Water, Wars, Birds & Paris

I partially agree with an early poster that water is as likely to trigger war as oil. There are already areas of Africa, Middle and Far East where dams are displacing people reliant on water flows.

Right, that's the serious sh*t out of the way.

Peeing while showering makes sense. Peeing in the sink is OK for blokes but not birds because they sit on the bloody thing, tearing it off the wall if they're fat.

I wonder if Paris takes an occasional golden shower? Just to keep her feet fungi free, of course.

Twitter meltdown raises questions about site stability

Paris Hilton

Shouting at pigeons.

Imagine the tramp in your town square being prevented from ranting at all & sundry for a day or so. He'll just drink more methylated spirit while Tweeple turn to lager, sherry or whisky.

We're no different...

Paris because I'd rather spend the downtime with her.

LHC rushed back into service at 50% max power


Opposite theories.

OK, I read all the arguments from opposite sides of the fence.

What about Paris "taking" our arguments up both ends? While she might enjoy it, the LHC needs a final response to work to.

(I'm opening another beer. Are you? Wait, you still care? Bless.)

Twitter goes titsup

Paris Hilton

Tweeple are just IT savvy tramps.

The tramp in your local town square, shouting at the pigeons, has been doing for the last twenty years what we now do on our PCs.

Paris because she's a tramp, too. Just a better looking and hopefully better smelling one.

Scotch lovers asked to cough up £10,000 per bottle

Paris Hilton


Greeaat... Just what I need to chase down the last bottle of Tesco Value Whisky... (burp)

Paris because, pro rata, she's just as expensive!

Mission control reacquires UK space cheddar

Paris Hilton

@Alien Cheese!

He's right. Once back from space, this cheese will be unlike any other. It will have seen things no other cheese saw before and may have had a spiritual experience.

If space travel mind-f*cks ordinary humans, spare a thought for this cheese. It could have had a "Contact", like Jodie Foster in the movie. It could have passed an Event Horizon. The possibilities are endless.

So, back to the point: DON'T EAT THE CHEESE!

Paris because I feel the same way about her growler...

HP excessive packaging world record put to the test

Paris Hilton


Has Paris put her "box" up for comparison? Surely her box to content ratio must challenge all we saw earlier...

Firefox 4.0 flashes lusty leg at Windows lovers

Paris Hilton


Could they not run two, switchable versions?

a) F*ck-Off Fast, no-frills-I-just-want-to-get-to-the-site-now-RIGHT-NOW

b) I have all the time in the world and I'm easily impressed by pretty stuff going on around my screen. Paris (pictured) would certainly choose this one.

Allow them to capture usage stats and eventually, perhaps release a lean version b) to compare again with a)

Since we already have IE8, I'm with option a)

Truck drivers! Don't go texting now

Paris Hilton


I often hear drivers boast about all their years of experience driving, to which I always reply: "Wait, is that 20 years cumulative experience or your first year 20 times over?"

Unless they actively continue learning and developing their skills, they're just lucky better drivers around them make allowances for their incompetence.

While I believed I was a good driver, I was no different to anyone else. So, I took the RoSPA Advanced Driving Test and passed to Gold standard. (Close to being as good as it gets for civilians - police go even further.) At least now someone else agrees with me!

We DO have existing laws to deal with this, as stated frequently above. I'm on the replace-airbags-with-steel-spikes camp...

Paris because I'd happily let her sit on my lap while I drive - and I'd rather she was the one impaled on the spike when I crash.

Hilton's mum enjoys One Night in Paris


Paris. Hmmm.

Paris can worry my spam javelin anytime. In fact, she can positively agitate it.

As long as I don't get to stir someone else's fresh porridge, of course.

Oh, were you just eating some fish in white sauce? Sorry...

Tech icon 'coz the kids won't understand.

This page has been left intentionally blank

Paris Hilton


Guess Ryanair can now make up its winter flight shortfall by shuttling UK males with heavy balls across... How would the ad posters read?

Paris because she'll take the surplus once oversubscribed.

MPs slam 'disgraceful' Type 45 destroyers

Paris Hilton


...don't you love them?

All I would say already has, so I'll add Paris for the puns about all who sailed her...

NASA takes stick over feet and inches

Paris Hilton

Roman Mile

The term Mile comes from the Latin thousand steps during Roman marching. In fact, there is nothing British about most of our so called Imperial measures, as stated by various previous posters.

Since decimal figures can be represented by any number of floating points, I choose to support the Power of Ten.

Paris because I expect she'll be more impressed with 30cm than 12in. (She might even fall for 16V versus V6. Silly woman.)

PS. Love the new icons and plan to put them to good use!

Please don't eat your horse, EU asks owners

Paris Hilton

Horse is delicious!

I ate horse meat regularly while living in Spain. The texture is more fibrous than beef, more tender and has a distinctive taste.

I think horses are fabulous creatures, intelligent, intuitive and highly empathetic with humans. I have looked after them in stables, rode them for years and even had one save me from harm during a ride's fall.

However, are cows more deserving of their usual fate because they're just that little bit more stupid? I think cows have great personalities but I eat beef too.

Let's not feel guilty about our position in the food chain: we're not on top. Bacteria and viruses beat us hands down and we should not overestimate our dominance over other big animals.

Folks, eat horse meat. It's delicious, widely available and it'll only end up in your dog food if you skip it anyway!

Paris because she wouldn't know which was which if covered in gravy. Oh, and beacuse I'd fill her in about the difference later...

Spanish bar invites customer abuse

Paris Hilton

Spanish obscenities

I was brought up in Spain between late 60s to late 70s.

If you want to insult someone, you sh*t on their mother's grave or call her a prostitute. If you just want to cause maximum offence, you sh*t on God, Jesus or Mary.

I always found it ironic that the most Catholic country I lived in happened to be the most blasphemous. It kept me in all sorts of trouble while I grew up...

I respect and admire any and every faith on a personal level. I just don't trust their corporate sales people!

May your God help me.

Paris because she'd answer some of my private prayers...

New green and quiet jet-engine test results announced

Paris Hilton

Paris, again.

Only because she has almost as much insight into this topic as I do. Both of us far more than many of the past contributors...

F1 waves goodbye to KERS

Paris Hilton

No idea what's going on...

...but since I appear to be no better qualified than most contributors, I thought I'd drop in anyway.

KERS will find a way to prove its usefulness in good time. The point is that it was discovered, applied, evaluated and decided upon. If we don't keep trying new stuff we will never move on.

So, let science follow Darwinian principles and evolve in directions useful to humanity.

I believe the twisted rubber band still has a major contribution to make towards energy conservation!

Paris because while I can't think of a relevant link, I'd still like her legs twisted around my back...

RIP Personal Computer World

Paris Hilton

Old Computers

Take a trip down memory lane here:

http://www.old-computers.com/news/default.asp and click on the Museum Tab.

I used to work for Dixons late '70s to late '80s and I had a great time selling and playing with every new computer as it arrived in stock.

Some favourites for reasons unrelated to their virtues:

Tatung Einstein, one of the first "serious" looking home computers. Very competent, ran CPM, had a good monitor, no-one cared.

Oric 1, quirky, powerful and easy to program - had anyone bothered to.

Apricot F1 (which I still have!), about a year ahead of IBM on every front. 3.5" disks, double default RAM, colour support, 8086 chip, etc. Oh, it even included a voucher to upgrade to Windows 1.0 in the box.

Sanyo MBC Series, first budget PC compatibles that really weren't. WordStar & CalcStar were good enough bundled apps. Very reliable.

Sinclair QL, awesome performance, superb software bundle courtesy of PSION, 80% initial failure rate but the microdrive proved remarkably resilient.

Apple Macintosh, my first sight of WYSIWIG combined with NLQ dot matrix printing. I was privileged to see the future before most.

Amstrad PCW8256, because I earned sh*tloads of money selling them. C'mon, a complete system that worked straight out of the box, just add paper? They were pretty reliable and the third party software explosion added to the sales. Thank you if your parents bought one.

Many others, but I still have fond memories and nightmares about the above - work out which...

Paris because one day she'll get old but remain thoroughly usable...

Futurama back from dead again

Paris Hilton

Leela. MMmm...

I would.

Paris because I would, too, if she had only one eye...

Data watchdog clears mobile phone directory

Paris Hilton


So, does this mean I can put a call direct to her mobile? I don't care if she rejects it, I just want her to hear my name even if she blows me off (I wish).

There, that's my Paris link and I can happily retreat back into obscurity...

David Carradine found dead in Bangkok

Paris Hilton


Keith, I have enjoyed your work since I saw you on Kung Fu, imitating you on the school playground.

Recently, I thought you were great on Kill Bill and looked forward to seeing you again soon.

Alas, no more. WTF happened? Why couldn't Peter Andre have taken your place?


Paris should have been with you to make your last moments easier...

Fans decry tennis gal's breast-slash plan

Paris Hilton

Where do we sign?

I'll be happy to hold them for her to relieve any stress... Must watch more tennis.

Paris because she could do with whatever gets chopped off.

Taking a first bite out of Wolfram Alpha

Paris Hilton

First post?

Not likely by the time this gets on the board.

However, the rest of you must have much brighter questions to ask on this subject. Else, give me a while before I show you up. I'm not so smart so please don't make me make you look dumb, OK?


Paris because she always looks good, regardless of circumstances...

Franco had one ball: Official

Paris Hilton

I was there!

Well, I lived in Spain from 1968 to 1977.

I was in college 25th November '75 when Franco was finally declared dead, after several days of seeing him stiffed-out in front of TVE, when the Spanish TV broadcasters finally conceded the bastard checked out.

Within 48 hours all the magazine stalls had the most explicit porn mags you can imagine and cinemas released the likes of Last Tango in Paris and Clockwork Orange. No-one gave a f**k about democracy, they just wanted to have a good w**k within the privacy of their homes or the shared environment of a smelly, smoked out cinema... Don't ask.

Previously you risked arrest if seen on a street with two or more friends, as it was considered a political meeting. You and your friends could disappear for up to a month before your families found where you were held and once in a while you would not return. Ever.

Anyway, it would not be a surprise to me to learn Frankie Franco had less than a full complement of balls.

Paris because she'd have got away somehow!

Airline websites forced to clean up

Paris Hilton

Ryanair/Easyjet, etc.

Ryanair used to be accessible on the FlightChecker page on www.moneysavingexpert.com until they stopped screen scrapers from finding the cheapest options available.

My last flight to France cost me over twice as much as the previous one due to new and amended charges - and that includes me forgoing checked luggage, which would have added £30 to the already high bill!

Salad days are over folks...

Paris because you'll always spend more than you expect when spending time with her.

Call for heads to roll over failed spook IT system

Paris Hilton

No party fit to govern...

Unfortunately, it won't make any difference who gets to "run" the country. I reckon a benevolent dictatorship is one option.

Another alternative is to appoint MPs jury style, picked out of the general population and limited to serve a maximum of two years. Some basic criteria would need to be met, of course, but it would wipe out career politicians at a stroke. Your neighbours would be your constituents and would judge you on your performance. Your employer would be compensated for your absence and you would return to society a more rounded and enlightened person.

I'm sure my argument is riddled with holes but doesn't it sound a great idea?

Paris because any money spent on her would be wasted too.

Ireland bucks trend with anti-blasphemy law

Paris Hilton

Cautious agnostic here

I agree with @Lest we forget 13:07 on the grip religion has on the faithful masses.

What if there is something to us as we are to an ant? We consider ourselves as Higher Beings but ants may well share the same opinion from their perspective. We occupy the last few seconds of our universe's existence and I expect we'll be out before the next minute or two is over.

See you all on the other side if there is one!

Paris because this thread is about as far from her mind as we can imagine.

Google's email goes titsup (again)

Paris Hilton

In defence of GMail

I have always used GMail on the assumption it would carry some risk. However, it has proven a far better SPAM filter than all my paid for ISPs and has become my default service. It could do with a few tweaks but the convenience factor outweighs all drawbacks.

Paris because she still appears on some of my filtered SPAM.

GCHQ: Mastering the Media

Paris Hilton

Amstrad PCs

Many years ago I used to work at the Cheltenham branch of Dixons, where GCHQ bought shedloads of Amstrad PCs. The great thing about it was that since they could not return them when faulty because of the data held on them, we never got the grief all other users gave us!

They eventually found other sources of reliable PC kit, but for a while I rode the gravy train as they became experts at keeping their hardware working...

When phoning, the receptionist would only ever answer by asking what extension you wanted and all deliveries were made to a Room Number, anticipated by the guards at the entrance gate.

Paris because we'd all love to know what room she's staying in while visiting the UK.

Wacky Jacqui spanked by husband



Since JS is claiming her sister's house to be her primary residence and hubby & kids live in the "secondary" home, should we assume there is something dodgy going on?

Hey, hubby's need for substitute comfort only reinforces where I'm going with this.

Political corruption just isn't interesting enough these days!

I normally use PH icon but Sad Face this time because none quite fit.

Busted! Conficker's tell-tale heart uncovered

Paris Hilton


Is anyone wondering whether the discovery of a fix on the eve of activation is a little suspicious? Can't quite articulate why I do but something's rattling in the back of my mind. (Perhaps some of my loose marbles.)

I'm still waiting for evidence the AV industry is funding some of the "bad guys"...

Paris because she'll get infected sooner or later. (Black helicopters are more appropriate but rather dull. Oh, wait...)

US woman attacks missus with sperm-filled syringe

Paris Hilton



There are enough clues in the story to convince me these "ladies" are unlikely to be the most glamorous creatures in their neighbourhood... (Dungarees, Hush Puppies, crew-cuts, get the idea?) Playmobil reconstruction please.

Paris because we'd love to hear such a story featuring her & LiLo! Then we can demand photos.

China bars WoW expansion for showing bone

Paris Hilton

"Extremely nude people"

X-Ray specs, night vision camcorders... We've had the means to observe "extreme nudity" for some time now. China's old guard may be afraid to see themselves caricatured in the game.

Paris, well, you can work it out for yourselves...

Polish Spitfire shoots down BNP

Paris Hilton

As an immigrant...

...myself, I got my first job here in 1977 after the boss admitted I was the only one to bother applying. I have consistently outperformed my peers ever since.

Now I interview job applicants, most of which are unemployable. Literacy and numeracy is dreadful and don't get me started on work ethics, timekeeping and loyalty!

The Polish workers I have met and worked with would be mortified if thought of as lazy and the quality of production they deliver is superb. (Their joiners arrive not only fully qualified, they often have extensive hands-on experience.)

We do have great home grown talent, I'm sure, but simply not enough to satisfy demand. Ironically, Poles are now moving back as the quality of life at home is rising above ours...

Paris because of all the jokes already made and I can't be arsed to come up with something original.

PS. I'm Spanish born, now a UK citizen.

Large Hadron Timewaster

Paris Hilton

@ Everyone

Guys, do any of you REALLY know better than the high-foreheads in the land of clocks and nice chocolate?

Put yourselves in the position of those scientists hung from a rope long ago, now revered as geniuses.

Money and wealth is created, unlike matter. It may not last long but it can be put to good use by those who care. Let's drop funky stuff in tubes of dangerous gases to see what happens!

Stainless steel and vulcanised rubber are just two examples of useful things discovered after someone rummaged in the bin...

Paris because she is as qualified as any of us to argue either way.

Brits and Yanks struck with embarasment embarrassment

Paris Hilton

I understand...

...why some ask for a little slack on spelling rules. After all, as an immigrant from a country with phonetic spelling, I am constantly surprised at the difference between how we spell and pronounce many new words I learn. However:

As such "guest" in this country, I still manage to out-perform any school leaver (and many uni grads) when it comes to spelling & grammar. Most errors can be avoided with just a few basic rules I have taught many of my friends, none of whom hear of while at school.

If teachers got off their arses and parents allowed some true discipline, we could get back to some real teaching! Oh, what? Can't do that? Why? You don't know? Again, why?


Paris because no-one cares how she spells "let me unzip you"...

Paris Hilton

I'm still angry!

If my previous comment makes it through, bully for me. If not, who cares?

My last rant does not adequately make up for how I feel about the lack of basic learning discipline in our schools. "Rules is rules" and until you're old enough to make your own mind up, you should follow them to the letter. Once you grow up you can argue a case to change them for the benefit of your children.

If you and your children read enough books from different authors, you will improve your English by default. Remember to look up or Google words you don't understand so the sentence you read them in become clear.

F**k it, if you're reading this you already got out of the pond. Just share my message with that cousin you're trying to avoid on Friends Reunited!

Getting to the bottom of the bottle so forgive my own spell/typos, else Paris because, once again, her spelling & grammar does not matter.

Going to bed now. I can't shout any louder tonight...

Miliband refuses to release torture documents

Paris Hilton


I really LOVE the way politicians can look us in the eye while vomiting the garbage they cover us in!

My only reason for wanting to live another hundred years is to be around to read what really goes on behind the scenes once it gets released into public records. (I laughed out loud when the French enquiry to relinquish sovereignty to improve their economic situation was declassified! Pity so many of those around at the time are no longer with us.)

Paris because her secret stuff get released well before 50/100 years are over...

Wrong kind of winter brings England to a halt

Paris Hilton


If you managed to get this far down the comments column, you clearly have some spare time on your hands. I did.

My bosses wouldn't let me go out in my Scooby today, insisting I was only insured to drive the Pug307 the cheapskates give me. Bah!

On the subject of CLINTS, there used to be a video hire shop in my area called FLICKERS. Didn't trade for long... There must be a porn film featuring C*nt Eastwood, surely?

Paris because she has a warm place I can park my cold bits.

British Airways to enable mid-Atlantic texting

Paris Hilton

Ryanair... (and a question for smart readers)

...already allows full wireless/mobile device use once the overhead lights go out. On my last flight the facilty was mentioned during the cabin announcements but no-one seemed to notice. (Or were too embarrassed to use their phone!)

They charge your service provider's roaming rates for calls and standard network charges for texts.

Paris because I expect she's used in-flight telephony for a while.

Oh, a question for the many, many out there brighter than me:

I fired up my TomTom for a laugh on a flight and it showed travel speeds between 500-600mph. However, I couldn't figure out whether the speed was calculated against the map, land surface or based on real speed at the plane's altitude. Had it been land based the real speed would have been faster. If I bothered checking the Boeing tech spec I might have figured it out but then I'd have to convert knot speeds, etc.

My brain started hurting so I stopped thinking about it until I realised some amongst you will show off by telling me either:

a) The real answer so I can show off to those dumber than me.

b) To get a life and stop wasting your thinking time. (Too late.)


Ryanair update

I meant to paste the paragraph on their T&Cs and found they had changed since I last flew in November. However, they clearly mean to go on as they started:

"Mobile phones etc

* Ryanair will rollout the technology enabling the use of Blackberry’s and mobile phones for text and voice usage on its aircraft during 2009. Unless specifically authorized by cabin crew through the use of passenger announcements and the specific lighted signs in the cabin, mobile phones may not be used on the aircraft."

No answers to my question yet. What's taking you so long?

Study slams brain-training games' mental improvement claims

Paris Hilton

Guinness is good for you!

'nuff said?

Paris 'cos she's still trying to improve her brain by getting it f****d by brighter people!