* Posts by Alan Gregson

67 publicly visible posts • joined 20 Apr 2007


US allows visual inspections of nipple rings

Alan Gregson


The nipple ring could cause some serious damage to passengers & crew, providing someone managed to smuggle a pair of pliers on board so she could remove it.

Ex-MS staffer to demo Vista smart card hack

Alan Gregson
Paris Hilton

here be title

Reminds me of a Dilbert strip where PHB says that engineers get $100 bonus for every bug they find in the product - so they go away and create some bugs to be found later...

Steve Jobs rescues freetards from BBC iPlayer wilderness (for now)

Alan Gregson


I really don't understand all this iPlayer shite.

I've got a PVR with HDD & DVR, If there's a program that I want to watch, but am not able to watch it live I set the PVR to record the program, this can be to hard drive so I can watch it on the big TV, or to DVD if I want to watch it elsewhere.

Neither format is encumbered with DRM, and won't expire after 30 days.

Yet more money being spent solving a problem that doesn't really exist...

Geordie cops arrest two for Wi-Fi squatting

Alan Gregson

@oliver Stieber

Do you leave your front door open as well?

Forth Bridge painters to down brushes in 2012

Alan Gregson


It takes so long because you get to the top of ladder, splash a bit of paint about then your can's empty, so you have climb back down to the bottom, pop round to B & Q, but they clean out of that shade, so you have to start again with a different colour.

I tell you, it's like painting the forth bridge this is...

Jane Fonda c-word slip shocks US

Alan Gregson


I do hope that the PTC members provide their children with earplugs when they go out into the street...

btw Caprice said the same word on UK TV (I think it was on the appalling GMTV, the most offensive program on terrestrial TV) when she was promoting her role in the same "play", perhaps it's in the actresses contracts that they must say the word on TV at every opportunity.

Polaroid to close instant film plants

Alan Gregson

Readers' Wives

Eric (leers, grinning) Your wife interested in er... (waggles head, leans across) photographs, eh? Know what I mean? Photographs, 'he asked him knowingly'.

Terry Photography?

Eric Yes. Nudge nudge. Snap snap. Grin grin, wink wink, say no more?

Terry Holiday snaps?

Eric Could be, could be taken on holiday. Could be yes - swimming costumes. Know what I mean. Candid photography. Know what I mean, nudge nudge.

Cruise.co.uk stumps £560k to add 's' to domain

Alan Gregson


It took several re-reads before I found the first N is Seamus's surname.

Microhoo! marriage hits Google salaries hard

Alan Gregson


You don't have to pay tax on shares, but you do pay it when you sell them, or else we'd all be paid in shares.

B&O reveals self-calibrating robo TV

Alan Gregson

@Anonymous Coward

B & O never used Hitachi VCRs (which were pretty decent quality anyway) they used Philips & Panasonic.

Premium rate watchdog launches 'Am I being ripped off?' text line

Alan Gregson
Paris Hilton

@Mike Penton

How much does the service cost?

Did you actually read the article?

"consumers can run a number against its database on the move, by texting it to 76787.

Texts are charged at the standard network rate."

Paris 'cos she can't read either...

Michael Bay to relive A Nightmare on Elm Street

Alan Gregson

Near Dark

"plus a remake of Near Dark to be directed by music vid vet Samuel Bayer."

The original Near Dark was directed by "music vid vet" Kathryn Bigelow, so they can't even come up with an original choice of director.

Sun nails four buyers in 15 months with White Trash Data Center

Alan Gregson
Dead Vulture


Is that actually a word?

Microsoft prints get-out-of-jail card for Vista Home

Alan Gregson


Yeah, you can run Vista Home flavours in a virtual machine, but you can't run a Virtual Machine in Vista Home.

How do I run an Ubuntu VM with Home Premium, none of the VM servers will install in Vista Home Premium.

Clean up your iPhone with... er... wiper-wielding bikini babes

Alan Gregson
Paris Hilton


That picture's a bit jerky, what's he doing with his other hand?

Camcorder flashlight ready for nighttime YouTube shoots

Alan Gregson

Rodney King

Cool, issue these to LAPD so they can film their roadside beating antics

Got an amicable a*se? We have the job for you

Alan Gregson
Paris Hilton

Anti-social arse

There's a guy in our office whose arse is very anti-social today.

We've nearly run out of air freshener and may have to start spraying pledge around to cover the smell.

Paris due to her allegedly friendly arse...

Bloke finds missus working in brothel

Alan Gregson


Could have been worse, this could have happened...


Junkie sues pusher over heart attack

Alan Gregson
Paris Hilton

@Cameron Colley

Read the story again, the repost.

it was Crystal Meth, not crack.

No for some lessons about drug addiction - Crystal Meth is one of the most addictive substances on earth, you become physically and mentally dependent on it. you also never recover. Like any drug, alcohol, tobacco, smack or crack, you will always be an addict and addicts behave very strangely.

Do you, or anyone you know, smoke? Have you or you acquaintance every tried to give up? It's not easy is it, now try with someone many, many times stronger.

You also can't blame the girl, drugs pushers are very persuasive people, that's why they're so good at the game, they play on your insecurities (13 year old girls have many), offer you free samples, get you hooked, then they bleed you dry. Scum of the earth, like estate agents, only worse...

Paris because most of the posters here have displayed about her level of sense 7 compassion (see Rwandan Orphans stories)

Cash-strapped NHS seeks Project Manager

Alan Gregson


Wasn't it St James Hospital in Leeds where they couldn't afford aircon in the server room, so when they booted up £1m of new kit it instantly went supernova?


If that's the case maybe the low salary is because they've decided to buy some cooling for the replacement servers

RealPlayer users warned over unpatched vuln

Alan Gregson
Paris Hilton

Use Real Alternative

Simple as that, never adds itself to your start-up group, takes a lot less power, plays all RM files...

While I'm at it, dump Quick Time and use Quick Time Alternative...



Lindsay Lohan crowned 2007's worst actress

Alan Gregson
Paris Hilton


There were only 5 nominations in each category, so not really a proper reflection of tastes.

I can think of no other reason why Matt Damon would be voted "best actor"...

Mind you in any poll Lindsay "Rehab" Lohan would be at the bottom of the pile.

Now RIAA says copying your own CDs is illegal

Alan Gregson


So are they going to sue every iPod owner, because I'm damn sure that most people have not filled them via the iTunes store, at 79p a track it would cost about £13k to fill an 80gb iPod Classic.

Drivers on the phone face the slammer

Alan Gregson
Paris Hilton


Having a conversation on a telephone is very different from listening to a radio or talking to a passenger.

When talking to someone face-to-face (or side by side in a car) body language and facial expressions make up most of the conversation, these little details are missing over the phone, so to compensate you have to concentrate more carefully on the call - diverting your attention from the road.

With the radio, yes you get no body language, but then again you don't really concentrate fully on the radio anyway.

Paris is there because of the famous pictures of her arrest, when the call she was making whilst driving was far to important to end the call whilst being arrested.

US switches off the incandescent lightbulb

Alan Gregson

Tried CFL...

and they all went back to the shop.

They're just not bright enough, and when you have poor eyesight (my wife has cataracts) they're just no good.

Add to this all the crap associated with the manufacture of these lamps, the poisons they contain and the huge expense of replacing all the lamps they there is no discernible benefit.

As this legislation been push through by the CFL manufacturers do you think?

I'm off to B & Q shed load of incandescent bulbs...

Israeli eggheads in pinhead bible publishing breakthrough

Alan Gregson
Paris Hilton


"This will permit people "to read the entire Bible with the naked eye," he told AFP."

I have a bible that's it's possible to read with the naked eye. Someone had better tell these Israeli geeks that they've been printing them since the 15th Century.

EU mandates electronic IDs for sheep and goats

Alan Gregson

Won't matter

When the apocalypse arrives and Christ is looking for the data to do his sorting it will have been lost by the US outsourcing company Lucifer Inc, he then finds out that the backup was posted by some civil servant and was never seen again...

"Bollocks to it" says Jesus, he sends the whole lot to Heck and phones his dad to get the whole process started again.

IBM to shove ads onto DVDs

Alan Gregson
Thumb Down


Do they not understand that the popularity of pop-up blockers mean that consumers are not happy about having adverts forced down our necks.

Perhaps there's a gap in the market for ad-blockers on DVD players

Darling admits Revenue loss of 25 million personal records

Alan Gregson
Paris Hilton


To put the brilliance of our government into context Golden Brown wanted Fiona Philips to be a minister for children.

Yes, that one, the simple minded woman that's only got a job because her husband is one of GMTV's bosses..

Jimmy Page donates Zep gig tickets to charity

Alan Gregson


That was a different auction, for children in need, bought by a TOG with more money than sense

Microsoft stuffs Sage with free accounts software

Alan Gregson
Gates Halo

US version!

All links take you to the US version, has anyone got a link to the UK express edition?

Bike bonk bloke cops three years' probation

Alan Gregson

He was confused

Someone told him to get it on with town bike.

ok pass me the fleece it's chilly out

UK gov greenlights 450MW wind farm

Alan Gregson

Energy saving

My math(s) may be wrong here, but sharing 450mw across 360,000 households equates to 1250 watts a piece, now that's less than a single kettle per house.

That's some serious energy saving we'll have to be doing by 2013

Flying cow destroys minivan

Alan Gregson

Old rhyme

Little bird flying high

dropped a message from the sky,

Angry farmer wiped his eye

thanking God that cows can't fly.

Oh shit, they're making a good attempt at flying, they just need to learn how to miss the ground. The trick is to get distracted just before you hit.

Buffy mastermind returns with new TV series

Alan Gregson

drool list

Could I just add another two to the drool list

Iyari Limon (Kennedy) who was a bit of extra eye candy in BTVS season 7

Morena Baccarin (Inara) one of the most stunning women I have ever seen

Alan Gregson
Paris Hilton


Are the go to use The Haitian to do the mind wipes?

btw Buffy was far, far superior to Firefly, but I really did love Firefly and was tres disappointed when it was pulled.

Guardian blogborg takes aim at global warming

Alan Gregson

Where do all the old lightbulbs go?

assuming I switch all my bulbs to "energy saving" ones a couple of questions are raised...

1) The new bulbs take a lot more power to manufacture

2) how many landfill sites will be filled with old bulbs, as I'm damn sure the local recycling facility doesn't have a section for light bulbs

3) The new bulbs are filled with a nice toxic powder, so they'll need special treatment when they die, which by all accounts is a lot sooner than the claims made on the box.

US demands air passengers ask its permission to fly

Alan Gregson
Black Helicopters

That's settled then...

I'm never traveling to the US again, which means I'll have to sell my Montana bunker

Hospital's brand new '£1m' server room goes up in smoke

Alan Gregson

@Nick Ryan

I was thinking the same thing myself. I regularly by Dell MD1000's with 7.5tb of storage (15 x 500gb SATA drives), these are used to record surveillance cameras, so are reasonably speedy, and cost about £3250 a piece. The server to control 6 of these beasts weighs in at about £3k.

So we've got just short of 50tb of storage for £22,500. Lose a third for RAID 5 and you've still got storage for about £600 a terabyte,

So what exactly was in that room, a huge stack of gold plated SAS drives?

Alan Gregson


Our local college built a new extension, and put in lots of "nice" RM PCs, 24 of them in a horse-shoe, as the room was small these PCs (desktop cases) were nearly touching, they all had a fan on one side & a vent on the other, see where I'm going here?

Yes the PC on the far right wasn't very stable...

Welcome indeed to the billionaire toyshop

Alan Gregson

@Billionaires spend money? Why?

Buying the toy makers is not terribly wise.

His Royal Highness Pengiran Digadong Sahibul Mal Pengiran Muda Haji Jefri Bolkiah ibni Al-Marhum Sultan Haji Omar Ali Saifuddien Sa'adul Khairi Waddien, brother of the Sultan of Brunei, saw that Aspreys of London was making a handy profit, so he decided to buy them. What he failed to realise was that he accounted for about 75% of their business.

This is the man who had a yacht called Tits, with two lifeboats called Nipple 1 and Nipple 2. He's also got a gold plated toaster in one of his cars, now that's class

Come celebrate the web...

Alan Gregson

Let the punishment fit the crime

Without wishing to come over all daily mail, I hope this fuckwit's sentence involves the rest of the prison pissing on him.

Apple coughs up G4 refunds to dissatisfied Danes

Alan Gregson

@ E

By the sound of things Webster Phreaky was eminently sensible buying the extended warranty, because when the iShite dies after 366 days he would have had to fork out for repairs or new iShite, with an extended warranty he at least gets another couple of years basking in the warm glow of self satisfied Apple ownership.

Surely St Steve could repair all these dodgy iBooks, then resell them as iLazarus

IBM hopes open office is Symphony to your key-tapping fingers

Alan Gregson

US English

Just looked at the system requirements

* Supported Windows platforms: Windows XP, Windows Vista

* Supported Linux platforms: SLED 10, RHEL 5, Redhat5

* 900MB disk space minimum

* 1GB RAM memory minimum

* US English locale

WTF - why stipulate US English, will it crash if I try to spell words properly, do the fonts not contain enough U's to spell colour & neighbour properly

Orange speaks out with new voice

Alan Gregson


Before you comment on other's English standards get yourself a dictionary.

Firstly, you watch Al Jazeera for the English, not Al Gezira.

And if you were to pole 100 people on the streets I'm pretty sure you'd be arrested before you reached double figures.

When requesting people's opinions you carry out a "poll"

James Bond ditches the Aston Martin

Alan Gregson

@Yousef Syed

More fact checking required, it was the new shape Ford Mondeo that Daniel Craig drove in Casino Royale

Venezuelan man survives autopsy

Alan Gregson

He wasn't auditioning for a part in Heroes was he

The lovely Claire Bennett played a similar trick, but at least she waited until the medics were out of the room

Dell's Linux sleight of hand

Alan Gregson

page no longer available

I just used a premier login to find an Ubuntu machine. None of the systems or laptops I checked had it as an option. Although most servers will allow you to select a supported copy of Red Hat.

When I did a search for Ubuntu it returned one link, following this leads to a Page No Longer Available error

Meet Mark Radcliffe: The man who rules open source law

Alan Gregson

The Shirehorses

One of the best novelty bands ever, I can't wait to hear Radcliffe & Maconie doing Boy Division

Cops seek 179mph net vid biker

Alan Gregson

@A. Boyer

rather confusingly, whilst we buy fuel in litres, we buy milk & beer in pints, whilst we measure distances in metres and km, we measure speed in mp/h. We weigh food in grams & kilos, but ourselves in stones (14 pounds).

As for Robin Cook the Woodhead pass is indeed quite a dangerous stretch of road.