* Posts by Anonymous Custard

2505 posts • joined 25 Jul 2008

Somebody is destined for somewhere hot, and definitely not Coventry

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Trollface

Re: How not to filter

Wasn't she in Allo Allo?

Exsparko-destructus! What happens when wand waving meets extremely poor wiring

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Pirate

Re: My name is Inigo Montoya

Prepare to die...

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Pirate

Tagline

Shouldn't the tagline be "Hello. My name isn't Andrew. You killed my data centre. Prepare to die" ?

And was the guard left-handed?

Is it broken yet? Is it? Is it? Ooh that means I can buy a sparkly, new but otherwise hard-to-justify replacement!

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Trollface

Re: Ah, "I will know it's new".

OK I'll ask.

Why do you keep the replacement batteries in the fridge?

Gloom-dwelling subterranean robots battle for million-dollar DARPA prize

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Terminator

Re: Then we have one legged robot

Nope.

I also hail our new metal unipedal overlords...

The lights go off, broadband drops out, the TV freezes … and nobody knows why (spooky music)

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Trollface

Perhaps dad wasn't so paranoid after all...

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you...

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

Re: French water meters

How come we can't do that with light bulbs or garage doors ?

@Pascal - we can do it, at least for light bulbs. The problem is that they don't want to, as then they'd go bankrupt after selling that initial everlasting one per socket when the income-stream dried up.

Same as with many white goods these days, engineered to fail just after the warranty expires.

Can't comment on the garage doors, as I haven't had one of those (or a garage to put it on) for over 20 years now.

How to keep your enterprise up to date by deploying the very latest malware

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

Wouldn't Wake On Lan be a sensible option to use?

Not when the laptops in use are shut down, undocked and locked away safely in a drawer or cupboard for the night.

Apparently the policy here is more concerned about the cleaners than malware...

Hubble, Hubble, toil and trouble: NASA pores over moth-eaten manuals ahead of switch to backup hardware

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

There's only one thing more valuable than learning from your mistakes, and that's learning from other people's mistakes before your end up making them yourself.

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

The often quoted mantra here:

Knowledge is what you learn to do.

Wisdom is what you learn to do again.

Experience is what you learn never to do again.

The world is chaos but my Zoom background is control-freak perfection

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Mushroom

Re: Worst of all worlds

I can empathise and concur, although swap out Zoom for Webex in our case (whilst having the other two as well, as of course our customers all want to use something different). And currently moving from Skype for Business to Teams, although christ knows why as it's definitely a backward step (at least the hobbled version of Teams we're getting).

And at the first internal Europe-wide internal meeting they tried to hold on normal Webex, with many people sans headset, unmuted and with the beep for people joining/leaving the call enabled (and feeding back from aforementioned idiots who were unmuted). Suffice it to say the network slowed to a crawl, and no-one could be heard over the background noise and the incessant beeps and beep-echoes.

So some swift educational courses were mandated (although even now some people still can't seem to work any of them or diene to mute themselves when they're just sat there stealing oxygen), and the meetings were switched to Webex events, where everyone except the presenters are force-muted and can only ask questions etc via the chat Q&A.

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Trollface

Re: I have found another solution for that problem

My work laptop has to go into various customer sites and cleanrooms, and several of them have a no camera policy (although this seemingly gets ignored for smart phones).

So no Mr Customer, I can't turn on my camera for your multi-hour zoom/teams/webex shoutfest, as I don't have one due to your own site policies.

And the irony is, I'm working from home in my study, and directly behind me is actually a real wall full of loaded bookshelves...

After 15 years and $500m, the US Navy decides it doesn't need shipboard railguns after all

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Trollface

Then it stops being a railgun and starts being a piecemaker?

Or is that only when (vaguely) under the command of Sgt Detritus?

Oh dear, Universal Windows Platform: Microsoft says 'no plans to release WinUI 3 for UWP in a stable way'

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Unhappy

As above, so below...

So the TL:DR of it all is they're as clueless and lost on the under-the-hood API and framework side of things as they are at the surface with all the GUI and user interface "polishing" and corner-rounding.

A pinball path to progress...

New Yorkers react to strikingly indifferent statue of Elon Musk with cheerful hostility

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Trollface

Re: Genuine question

Only if it was carved from wood...

Five words everyone wants to hear: Microsoft has 'visually refreshed' Office

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Mushroom

Re: Custom ribbon?

And that's the "fun" with Teams too.

Had this the other day on an "Advanced VBA in Excel" course (I know, I know) given by an external company via Teams.

On a dual screen laptop/monitor set-up, with Teams mininised whilst I worked on the example code (Excel in one window, VBA screen in the other) when a fellow student unmuted his mike or shared his screen to ask a question of the tutor.

And what happens? Teams suddenly pops up full screen and takes the focus. So me rather than typing away in my code window am now suddenly looking at and typing into the Teams window. It was happening at least once every 5 minutes during the course, meaning I couldn't get anything at all done or concentrate on getting the code correct.

And it looks like this unwanted focus stealing cannot be turned off.

Previously we've done these courses via either Skype or Webex and neither of them did this. But no, it has now been decreed that we must use Teams for such things and it's an utter abomination (unto anyone up to and including Nuggan).

Ouch! When the IT equipment is sound, but the setup is hole-y inappropriate

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Trollface

Re: Hot Desking

Maybe you should ask where the mini-bar, trouser press and pay-tv are?

Oh and then insist on room service also being available...

Who would cross the Bridge of Death? Answer me these questions three! Oh and you'll need two-factor authentication

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Boffin

Re: Ah Captcha!

But if we do, how are all the self-driving cars supposed to know what's what?

I'm personally convinced that all this Captcha stuff is really just for the crowd-sourced data that their cars are using to identify stuff on/around the road.

So maybe Tesla need to push for a few more Captcha's featuring semi trucks and trailers?

BOFH: Oh for Pete’s sake. Don’t make a spectacle of yourself

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Boffin

PPE

Finally some PPE I actually want to have...

Stop. Look... Install Linux? The Reg solves Microsoft's latest Windows teaser

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

Re: Aggregate audio device

I would like the indelible weather widget to bugger off though.

Right click on the task bar, go to "News and Interests" and select off.

Of course it's still there in the code, but at least it's not taking up valuable task bar space any more and can be forgotten about.

Updating in production, like a boss

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Trollface

Re: *wielded appropriately

But there are times (and skull thicknesses) when only a clue-by-four will do...

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

And to personally name, date and sign it...

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

It's the kind of scenario where I'd be tempted to wait for half an hour without doing anything affecting the db, then take it offline and ring back and tell them something disastrously bad had happened to it.

Then pause and comment - "At least that's what may happen if we do this live on your production database without any backups. Now do you want to reconsider this scenario...?"

Management seem to like their role playing training exercises, so maybe spring one on them to give them a proper taste of the risks they're taking?

What job title would YOU want carved on your gravestone? 'Beloved father, Slayer of Dragons, Register of Domains'

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

Re: No gravestone for me

Either that or leave them there for a while, then dig them up again and move the bones into a central mausoleum for longer-term "storage" and re-use the grave for the next tenant.

And most often the bones were put in the mausoleum by type rather than by previous owner, so there were shelves of skulls, ribs, pelvises etc but no-one was ever whole again.

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Trollface

Re: Well I plan ...

Likewise, I also plan to live forever.

So far, so good...

Toyota reveals its work on an honest-to-goodness cloak of invisibility

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Joke

Re: A fully functional cloaking device

A fully functional cloaking device? I can't see it myself...

Stob treks back across the decades to review the greatest TV sci-fi in the light of recent experience

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Devil

Re: Hobbits

It's OK, I have reported it as offensive content and cruelty to children.

Only children? Must try harder next time...

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

Re: You know all will be right with the world...

Especially if you could have Rex Garrod collaborating with Hunkin.

RIP...

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

Hobbits

But if it had been hobbits, Mr Spock would be well acquainted...

SingalongaSpock

We've found another reason not to use Microsoft's Paint 3D – researchers

Anonymous Custard Silver badge

Re: Paint can be messy

Likewise, and almost totally succeeded (opened it once to look, never again).

Paint on the other hand is my go-to app for all sorts of minor graphics tweaking and adjusting - use it almost daily.

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Trollface

Original paint rules!

The challenge for hackers would be to persuade a user to open the file application...

FTFY

Calendly’s new logo perceived as either bog-standard or kind of crappy

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Trollface

Re: Reminds me of one of those

Especially with the tasteful blue colouration from TV adverts of such products...

Thanks, boss. The accidental creation of a lights-out data centre – what a fun surprise

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Linux

Re: I may have mentioned this one before...

Not music, but reminds me of an undergrad lab I did student demonstrator work on when I was doing my masters. Undergrads were supposed to build a circuit with two waveform outputs, wired to a scope to display both simultaneously.

Particular student managed to screw up both the circuit and the settings on the scope (had the two inputs driving X-Y mode rather than both on X-T mode), and rather than generating some rather boring sine-type waves, managed to generate an almost perfect silhouette of a penguin.

Of course he had no idea of how he managed it, but it earned him is one and only A mark he ever got in that lab, and it was still talked about occasionally years later when the same lab lesson rolled around to the next batch of victims^H^H^H^H^H^H^H undergrads.

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

Re: Access denied

Knowledge is knowing what to do.

Experience is knowing what not to do ever again.

Today I shall explain how dual monitors work using the medium of interpretive dance

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Joke

Re: Qualifications before being allowed to use a laptop

Problem Creator, at least around here...

Either that or Porn Collection in some cases.

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Joke

Re: Qualifications before being allowed to use a laptop

Groucho Marx had that one covered:

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report.

Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Snakes on a Plane meets The Simpsons as airline creates ‘whacker’ to scare reptiles away from parked A380s

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

K.I.S.S.

For readers who hoped the wheel whacker was a masterpiece of aerospace engineering and composed of exotic materials, we have bad news: the whackers are just broom handles. Each whacker is, however, labelled with the name of the A380 to which it is dedicated.

You say this like it's a bad thing?

Why go for something highly technical, complicated and expensive when something simple and cheap will do the job just as well, or perhaps even better (or at least more reliably). The age-old K.I.S.S. principle in action...

Congestion or a Christmas cock-up? A Register reader throws himself under the bus

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

Re: Happy that it worked out for him

In such cases, the simple question "would you rather I hadn't admitted and mentioned it?" usually suffices.

And if it doesn't, then it's time to consider whether the manager has ever made a mistake, and whether they admitted it or were just found out. Those are the ones to avoid working for whenever possible.

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

Re: PICNIC?

Depending on device, either keyboard driver, mouse driver, touchscreen driver or input driver issues are all acceptable alternatives...

Anonymous Custard Silver badge

Especially in the modern pc world...

Whoop! Robot/human high-fives all round! Oh, my fingers have disintegrated

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

Re: Pole dancing

Either that or it thinks you're a union leader or a town mayor, and is just going with what it normally has to offer those?

Anyway as you're now French, I would have expected selection of your favourite chef would have been part of the cultural initiation?

The server is down, money is not being made, and you want me to fix what?

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

Re: Constantly, in a fashion.

Ah yes, the classic "do you want me to explain in simplified details what's gone wrong, or would you rather I just waste my time by fixing it?"

Been there, done that, installed it as my mantra...

More power for your Raspberry Pi: A new PoE+ HAT to sate power-hungry peripherals

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

A lot of industrial usages are allergic to untested/unproven (by them) change, even if it's a simple change and for the better. "Copy exact" and such like.

So if they have existing kit and want more, often they will insist on the older and obsolete version rather than going to the effort of doing extensive tests on the new one. Even if the new one passes the test, as soon as it's installed then that would be the trigger for all the older ones to be removed and retrofitted with the new version too.

That can be considerable time, effort and cost, which in some cases isn't worth the investment (depending on what is new/improved on the new version compared to the old). It can also occasionally lead to odd scenarios of having new tools operating "too well", and having requests to detune them to match the operation of older kit.

Big red buttons and very bad language: A primer for life in the IT world

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

Re: "Mike learned an important lesson..."

Either that, or it was the magic smoke release button.

I'd say the latter is the more concise shorthand name for the former...

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes-Benz? Detroit waits for my order, you'd better make amends

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Trollface

Re: “I already know what you want!”

My ringtone for at least the last three corporate phones has been Ode to Joy. Not so strange I hear you say, except the version I use is by The Muppets (Beaker to be precise).

Very distinctive and recognizable, and never fails to raise a laugh for those who aren't expecting it.

https://youtu.be/amTOvyMcXz0

Déjà bork: BSOD fairy pays key-cutting kiosk another visit

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Joke

Or if it had been a 30 year old Ford, you could probably have used the teaspoon instead...

The future is now, old man: Let the young guns show how to properly cock things up

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

Re: Back door in to the comms systems

Or rewrite your contractual obligations by changing ISP...

Staying in the UK this summer? Good news: Temples of IT nerdery are reopening

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Thumb Up

Great news

I'm not sure what's the better aspect of the news, that they're reopening or that they've survived thus far to be able to reopen...

Most pleased either way anyway, and may the punters roll in for both.

Both are certainly going on the tour list for the summer/autumn, looking forward to it already.

Your private data has been nabbed: Please update your life as soon as possible while we deflect responsibility

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

Re: Bellowing Boss!

Yup, they are looking down on the minions, all they see is shit.

And of course, the minions look up, and all they see are arseholes...

A quick google search and picking one:

http://yslim.blogspot.com/2009/12/birds-hierarchy-management.html

Anonymous Custard Silver badge
Headmaster

Re: Bellowing Boss!

At work they're christened the seagull managers.

They fly in, squawk loudly and obnoxiously, shit on everything and then fly off again leaving chaos and destruction in their wake...

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR WEEKLY TECH NEWSLETTER

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2021