Posts by Tom

Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah set for top two spots in Christmas Day charts

@Ian Tunnacliffe

I broke all my limbs and had my teeth kicked out in fight and was unable to bite my tongue and bleed to death or hold my breath long enough to pass out so I was stuck watching the telly when X-Factor came on an I couldnt do anything about it.

It turns out that X-Factor is the medias equivalent of the BSoD.

You can upgrade to avoid this - it requires a 1kg mass of fired earth and should be installed through the glass of your CRT or flat screen at about 50ms-1. It simply not worth having a TV in case you get caught like I did.

Microsoft spits out ODF plans for Office 2007 SP2

@Dave

If you ever learn to use computers as something more than a word processor you will realise that ascii is a lot more useful than any of the other formats you mentioned.

Office software is to your computer what the the man with the red flag was to the motor car.

At least ODF doesnt walk to the nearest cash machine but it still slows you up.

will people please stop

sending me bits of paper formatted information? I dont want to print it - dont send me PDF,Word or ODF documents - I didnt buy a computer to have prehistoric paper formats imposed on it.

How would you feel if your iPod only played 78rpm records??

ADSL - the VoIP killer

Is it just me...

I've a lousy 512k bb link.

If I use the free skype I get absolutely awfull quality and stutter to another skype user in NZ.

If I use asterix, once I've managed to find out the IP of the person I wish to call, I get high quality uninterrupted calls.

Could be a coincidence....

Germany tests tadpole airship

wot about h2o

I wonder if you could get condensation and split that to generate fuel. You wouldnt want to use hydrogen down here but up there its not likely to harm anyone - and its a lot lighter too!

Security pros groan as zero-day hits Microsoft's SQL Server

Still trying to sell the myth

that computing can be made easy.

It always amused me that people buy the line that by taking away the hard bits in computing you can somehow make good use of a computer. Its a bit like taking the wheels off a car as they give you too many options and require planning ahead. You might have a nice safe place to sit but it gets you nowhere.

That is assuming MS took away sensible security measures from SQLServer to make it 'easier' to use. Another possibility is 'they just dont understand' and thats looking more likely day by day.

HP puts Linux on business PCs

linux is for geeks - thank goodness!

windows is for people that want a computer but dont actually want to use it.

I'd hate to have to support windows users on a linux system.

'Hi tech support here how can I help'

'My machines still up and working fine'

'Is that a problem?'

'Yes, If I cant blame the computer my boss will find out I'm useless'

'Use office software then - just write lots of documents he can never have time to read and will have to give you a good appraisal as a result'

I can see why MS never integrated all their office products like they promised - it would show them up too!

Aussie convicted over Simpsons sex pics

@Dick Emery

Thin edge of the wedgie surely?

I presume we can now see all public toilets closed as they are plastered with pornography that may be construed as underage - and kids can see it.

Windows 7 first beta due January 2009

@n - great catchphrase

Once you've got a mac theres no going back!

Too right..

You're sitting at the back with MS arguing which of the broken branches of computers evolutionary tree to go down!

Supersonic fighters could snuff out hurricanes

Now I get it!

Totally unrealistic patent:

However if a hurricane does descend on a US airforce base and their supersonic planes take off to avoid being trashed: Patent engages! Kerching!

Invasion force eaten by small dog

That was a bogie on the computer printout - not a decimal point!

Two supersonic jets have less than a billionth the power of a hurricane - I cant even be bothered to work it out.

They'd need to fly round the eyewall - thats 10,000m high and sometimes 200 miles across and the shockwave is maybe 10' thick and travelling at the speed of sound - and guess what? It cools down straight away.

About as effective as a fart in a hurricane but without the hurricane to take the smell away.

Got an icon of a (looks a bit like) a waving hand?

Study spanks Adobe Flash for abuses of power

I dont give a hoot about power wastage

its my bandwidth, life and freedom going down the pan here.

Flash (and presumably Silverlight when anyone writes anything in it) are just poinless wastes of bandwidth - a prime example of how to say hello in megabytes of pointless graphics.

As for my freedom - Adobe and Microsoft have joined to prevent Javascript being usefully developed so they can sell you Flash and Silverlight editors.

We could have had this stuff 10 years ago without their help!

Bittorrent declares war on VoIP, gamers

what about stupid content

My VOIP phone doesnt use anywhere near as much bandwidth as pointless data-expansion techniques like flash, mpg, videos, word documents and pdf where simple clear text in html would have done.

This is not about people missusing technology - this is about companies trying to make money out of nothing. I paid for my bandwidth - why shouldnt I use it for VOIP? Oh sorry it means you cant rip me off for other using other voice ommunication mediums.

When will these prats realise that they are replaceable. If my ISP tries breaching its terms of contract I will go elswhere. If everyone shuts down on me I will still go elsewhere.

I used to Pringles packets to communicate.

I may have to again. http://www.open80211s.org/

Wireless comms and the end of civilisation

emp

@Neil Stansbury.

A US high atmosphere bomb test took out the power 800 miles away. By accident.

You can easily generate 1000V/m at those distances so an uplugged telly lead can still kill the telly.

No-one worried about EMP until a russian pilot flew a foxbat into Japan. The US took it apart and laughed at the valves inside it and then sort of coughed and went quiet, sneaked back to their labs and started yelling fibre optics..

I doubt the power systems would hold up anyway - the US system has failed quite catastrophically when one power station overheats at the wrong time and dont talk about freezing rain. The grid system would give up as soon as two or three power stations went down in the UK. Its like the internet - its only resilient if everyone tries to play together and help each other. You could blow up 10 choice pylons in the UK and cause more damage than Fractional Reserve banking ever could.

How Microsoft blew its own RIA invention

Silverlight ??

Silverlight is what Javascript would have been if MS and Adobe hadnt got involved in 'helping' the standards.

The only innovation MS has ever done was to negate Moores law.

MoD kit chief: Blighty unsure of supersonic stealth jumpjet

Even then its only stealthy if you use US radar

Sticks out like a sore thumb using sw radar.

You canna break the laws of physics captain - but you can rip of some gullible governments!

MPs lost for Word over creaking Microsoft packages

About time people realised

that for people who work in offices Office software is the last thing they should use.

RISC daddy conjures Moore's Lawless parallel universe

Dont forget Gates Law

"The pointless complexity of the OS will increase to nullify any progress in processor design."

Social workers sacked over Gary Glitter email

@dervheid

Nail on the head there mate.

Its nothing to do with PC stupidity - anyone out there noticed the economy has just gone titsup - seriously titsup!

While the chancellor of the EXchecker et all rearrange the deckchairs on brighton beach to save the Titanic some people are doing their best to save a little money here and there.

Dont give them any excuse to fire you - like looking at this site while at woclick brrrrr

US rolls out 'Vicinity RFID' to check IDs in moving vehicles

@Anonymous Coward

(Once again showing what great technology leaders & forward thinkers the US automakers are.)??

Ever heard of protectionism? You dont want your partners in any free trade agreement to actually be able to sell people spare parts in the auto industry! You start putting japanese parts in American cars and they might last and then wheres your job for life?

Oh hang on...

Software update nobbles Sky+ boxes

Never let anyone else control your hardware.

And never plug it into the phone line!

How to destroy the music business

Completely wrong as usual

'there are thousands of talent-spotters slightly better at our algorithms dedicated to finding it'

Apart from the unknown language its completely wrong. The talent-spotters dont spot talent they spot rising trends. The audience spots talent and turns up to watch and listen. The music industry then parasitises these trends.

@anonymousecoward 'Its all a swizz'. Its not its blatant theft! Apple threatened to close down Itunes when the record industry wanted to raise its cut of their 79p a track from 9p to 12p.

If you it costs you more than 5p to distribute an MP3 and charge for it then you really are in the wrong business - unless you're a monopoly of sorts.

BNP leaked list claims first victims

Legal political party??

@ Anonymous Coward

I hate Nazi's - especially Illinois Nazis - but to try and suppress Nazi's by using Nazi techniques just makes you as laughable as them.

'Oh they might deny us democratic rights so we'll take away theirs before they can' is Nazi 101 stuff.

@thomas

I think you should probably be fired from the police for being a member of the BNP as that seems to indicate you probably got someone else to fill in the forms which is cheating. However if we live in a free democratic society (choke cough splutter) then you should be allowed to be a member of any LEGAL organisation so long as you do the job your paid for then fine. Its obvious this special constable (gedit?) wasnt noticed as a brown shirt before so whats the problem? Having been outed by some tossers illegall activity - something I find more frightening than misuided beleifs- then they may have to be moved out of harms way.

Its the tossers that stole and released this information that would demand ID cards so you cant join LEGAL organisations that we should really be scared of.

British pilots ramp up opposition to ID cards

Well what else is the government meant to do?

It cant directly attack airline and airports to reduce greenhouse gasse or its backhanders from the industry will evaporate.

This way they get to blame it on the Unions.

Adobe rallies Flash and AIR mobile partners

Is this the same Adobe

that joined with MS to help 'push forward' javascript and stopped it in its tracks?

And now its promoting squirrelshit after donating Tamarin?

Javascript coordination ? Divide and conquer more like!

Gartner: open source software 'pervasive'

What will Gartner do

when Linux is dominant? WIll MS still be able to afford to write their articles and do their research for them? Will anyone care?

MS explains 7-year patch delay

Microsoft didnt know what was wrong

I bet it probably took the Samba team - the only ones who understand the thing now - 7 years to find it so MS could fix it.

Adobe pinballs 64-bit Flash Player 10 alpha into Linux orbit

Oh great

just what I dont need - another pointless development.

I hope my FlashBlocker still works on it.

If people want me to watch pointless presentations and unfunny adverts please save us all a lot of time and money and computer resources and use open standards please.

Vintage IBM tape drive in Apollo moon dust rescue

Can you imagine in 5 years time that will be illegal

- DRM restrictions etc!

Study clears cannabis of schizophrenia rap

I demand the right to a cannabis induced psychosis

or running a bank as it is more properly known.

We all know weed is a gateway drug - once you start on the tabacco theres no knowing where it might end up.

@abigsmurf 'You cannot expect someone to maintain a hightened amount of concentration for long periods' Too right - lets ban people from driving for more than 1hr after an 8 hour day. You ever had to drive with those work crazed nutters on the M3 of an evening?

Have you all started to notice how a lot of the law is in fact just market protection. Government of the people by big business for big business!

Jacqui Smith prints seized by No2ID in daring dabs grab

If shes nothing to hide

perhaps she can give me her bank account details and her mothers maiden name?

OpenOffice 3.0 - the only option for masochistic Linux users

do people still use office software

to prevent them computerising their work?

Microsoft: the man with the red flag walking very slowy in front of your computer.

Top aero boffin: Green planes will be noisy planes

but surely

a cowling can be put around the 'open rotor' thus making it both quieter and more efficient?

or perhaps they can just make the jet engines a lot wider - this reduces noise and increases efficiency - at the expense of available acceleration admitedly.

And they say the ground base ones are

a terrorists dream target - imagine how much damage a pigeon could cause to a nuclear powered jet slightly redirectedfrom heathrow to crash in central london.

It could cause the collapse of the market and...

now that would benefit us all.

I'll take two and few flying lessons and a satnav that I can plug into my Ipod

New Scientist goes innumerate in 'save the planet' special

When you read articles of faith like this

it make you realise the guiding hand of the free market is partly closed and waving back and forth.

Berkeley boffins save Moore's Law

This could cause problems

for Microsoft to write an OS to slow these machines to the point of uselessness.

We should coin a Gates law - 'Whatever Moores law can do we can undo in the OS'

I installed w98 on my 64 bit machine 'for a laugh' recently - almost instant boot and Open Office ran like a rocket. But I dont create WOD's so its back to Linux!

Fancy nipping for a quick two-thirds of a pint?

At last

a decent sized shot glass!

Sky and BBC in iPlayer deal

Thank god for the internet

£15 on a tv card and I can watch and record (for posterity) anything I like from freeview on a pc rejected by a friend as it couldnt run windows anymore so I suck linux on it. Even with a lousy monitor the resolutions better than an £800 wide faced telly.

I tried sky but I like sport and not football and to pay nearly £500 pa for brownian motion seems a bit of a ripoff.

The internet, should, over time free media from the parasitic media companies like sky and then we should be free to watch and pay for what we like. Thats called taking capitalism to the capitalists and boy do they hate it!

Speed cams ditched in Wiltshire

I've never heard of a single accident

caused by a speed camera.

I've heard a lot of accidents whinging about them though!

I suppose these people wouldnt mind having safe burglars doing there houses over.

Make them invisible, connect them up to number plate recognition and get the stupid and illegal drivers off the road.

Oh hang on - we'd need a police force that doesnt use paperwork as an excuse not to get out!

Dawkins' atheist ad campaign hits fundraising target

@Arnold Lieberman

I am an atheist - I KNOW there is no god.

Holy f**k, Microsoft covers up ‘undesired’ words

My first use for this

will be to use it to remove the words and phrases such as Microsoft, Windows, Fistula, dot net etc and associated sentences from any audio or visual stream coming through our firewall.

That should reduce their advertising.

London and Wales to get fast fibre

Its not enough!

Should take about 5 mins for someone to come up with a massively ineficient format to wipe out any potential bandwidth gains.

How about ultra high definition videos of someone saying hello when ten bytes of text would have done?

US military: Electropulse bombs now from next year

Scud range

Joe,

Easy to fit one on the back of a lorry or in a container ship delivering cheap goods to neew yuk.

You'll probably find that Iran has hundreds or something as we'll be having a war soon to cover up for the failed economic miracle.

As for shielding the Maryland grid from emp - what they gonna do take all the wires down?

I wish I had the moral vacuum to exploit US paranoia - I'd be a very rich man now.

Try this: An oil tanker full of oil and 30,000 tons of high explosive. Set of the high explosive, make huge cloud of oil/air mix - set that off and you've got megaton fuel-air bomb.

Now how can I do shorts on oil futures as the price drops because the US is too scared to import it?

Agile development - can’t scale, won’t scale?

But what happens when there are more than 30 people on the project?

It works fine - its when you have more that 2 managers involved in a project that timescales go exponential.

Too many oxymorons to start here.

Microsoft gives users six months longer to flee from Vista

Six months

as a paid director of MS and I might buy a copy of vista so I knew what I was talking about in meetings. Asuming I didnt get one for free.

As for XP doing what you want - just keep an eye on those automatic upgrades!

What always baffles me about thefistula supporters 'My machine runs OK with vista on it' is they dont look under the lid. If you have a ford 1600 cortina and then upgrade to a ford 16,000,000 4x4 luxury model and then find it only goes as fast as the 1600, still wont corner or go cross country - or even fly like it should with that engine - but has nicer looking leather interior would you not feel a little ripped off?

Computer are too good for modern users!

How the fate of the US economy rests on a Dell workstation

economic modelling?

The city doesnt model the economy - they'd realise they're parasites if they did.

Or perhaps they do and dont care.

I have been led to believe that the treasury used three different models to predict the economy in the early 80's. Two contained keynsian thinking so , despite their greater accuracy, Thatcher had them thrown out.

Not that anyone needed a computer model to guess that what has just happened would happen.

Positive feedback 101 "its uncontrollable but we can bleed the desperate for a while"

Sky told to hand over footy and film rights

I'd like to watch some rugby

but I have to pay for the football to watch that on sky.

Customer choice - subsidised theatre more likely.

Adobe cites bad blood for closed Flash

more noise, more bandwidth

I think its a personal freedom to allow idiots to express in megabytes what can be written in ten words.* However dont waste my time, cpu and network with it.

Thank the coding gods for firefox flashblocker.

*ignoring the exta effor to make it accessible and then convert it to other languages....

Get your PHP on the right Trax

Wheres the 3rd generation rails?

My problem with these CRUDy things is they are all so naive. After years of writing DB's I practically never access it unless thru procedures that almost never access one table alone.

All you need is a few clever naming trix and a matching form handling library and you can knock a front end up via the DB itself - and move the DB to any provider changing a connection string.