* Posts by TheProf

1129 publicly visible posts • joined 25 Jun 2008

Scottish biz raided, fined £500k for making 193 million automated calls

TheProf

Re: Won't stop it.

"Until the fines get personal to the directors"

And the directors will just give themselves a 'performance bonus' and it won't affect them at all.

Now if you'd suggested breaking fingers and smashing kneecaps I would have thought that 'personal' enough.

Microsoft's Cortana turns its back on consumers as skills are stripped from Windows 10

TheProf
Thumb Down

My Dad Will Be Disappointed

He used to use it on his Windows phone. When that expired I had to get him the Android version of Cortana.

Now he'll have to go through the learning process of getting Google to understand him when he asks 'what was the score of the Melchester Rovers match?'

You try telling him to type it on the phone screen. He's got sausages for fingers and used Cortana for the fiddly digital things his digits couldn't work.

Sophos was gearing up for a private life – then someone remembered the bike scheme

TheProf
Joke

Re: De minimis

It's the number of people required to start a 'Twitterstorm'.

Breaker one-nine, this trucker's rubber ducked, facing a year in the slammer for Acer laptop thefts

TheProf
Facepalm

Re: 1 year imprisonment?

I wonder why a forest needs to wear a disguise.

Come on baby light me on fire: McDonald's to sell 'Quarter Pounder' scented candles

TheProf
Terminator

McSmell

I've never eaten at a McDonalds* but I've accompanied friends when they've gone in there. I can't say I've noticed any food smells.

I remarked to one friend that I would expect to smell cooked food, but all I detected was an 'air-conditioning slightly sanitised' scent.

There's nothing wrong with my sense of smell so I can only assume that the Clown Factory are alerted to my imminent appearance and hastily clean the place up to within an inch of its life.

*Or any other burger joint since that day in London many, many years ago.

>My robot's got no nose icon.

Yo, Imma let you finish, but for the 6,000 people still using that app on a daily basis ... we have a question: why?

TheProf

Poke

Microsoft crack habit reports: User claims Surface Laptop 3 screen fractured again after repair

TheProf

Re: Not many, then.

a limited number

Limited by the number of units produced.

Call us immediately if your child uses Kali Linux, squawks West Mids Police

TheProf
Pint

Theft

"Meat is Murder.

Quick - eat the evidence."

Wonderful! Bacon all round.

Come to Five Guys, where the software is as fresh as the burgers... or maybe not

TheProf
Devil

Re: Slightly off-topic

My 'manager' had Spider Solitaire removed from my machine when someone complained I was playing it. I changed my wallpaper to a half-finished game just to wind the jealous b-stard up.

Bada Bing, bada bork: Windows 10 is not happy, and Microsoft's search engine has something to do with it

TheProf
Facepalm

LEARN NEW THINGS? I want the computer to do what I want.

This AI is full of holes: Brit council fixes thousands of road cracks spotted by algorithm using sat snaps

TheProf
Alert

A man a plan

Why not have a couple of roving vans full of tarmac and capable workers*? Then the bloke who usually paints a white box around the pothole can instead fill the hole in and the job's done. Assessment, job done, and approved in one visit.

*Ah!

Artful prankster creates Google Maps traffic jams by walking a cartful of old phones around Berlin

TheProf
Mushroom

Performance? Art?

'Oh yes, I'm totally an artist. I walked around town with 99 smartphones so it looked like a traffic jam. I totally fucked up the city and then I had a deep and meaningful discussion about it in the artists' club. Except Hans was late, the bastard, and Greta still hasn't showed. Still, kudos for me for coming up with the best art Berlin has seen since well, since ever.'

So much less impressive than those joggers who use Strava to draw a giant cock in Central Park.

There are already Chinese components in your pocket – so why fret about 5G gear?

TheProf
Joke

Biff, bash, boom

" if the people using it all have smart TVs in their rooms busy relaying everything they hear back to Beijing."

I have all the Transformers films playing on a constant loop on my snooping TV. I expect the Chinese to surrender any day now.

Star wreck: There's a 1 in 20 chance a NASA telescope and US military satellite will smash into each other today

TheProf
WTF?

Re: No lineage?

I remember watching that. I thought it was a TV movie. How did they stretch it out to 20 episodes?

And your next question is.... What was the name of the TV movie in which a small boy stows away on a manned rocket to the Moon?

Windows takes a tumble in the land of the Big Mac and Bacon Double Cheeseburger

TheProf
Headmaster

Wash your hands

"the screens themselves were infamously reported as being coated with all manner of invisible effluent from patrons."

And that is why you were always told to wash your hands before eating food.

World's richest bloke battles Oz catastro-fire with incredible AU$1m donation (aka load of cheap greenwashing)

TheProf
Devil

More than

Say what you like about Bezos but he's donated more to the Australian disaster fund than I have.

I can't wait to see that bad press I get now. Time to have a quiet word with Her Maj about withdrawing from public duty.

No horrific butterfly keys on this keyboard, just you and your big, dumb fingers

TheProf
Coffee/keyboard

Not enough room

I've Tippexed the letters QWERTYUIOP on my fingernails, starting with Q on my left hand little finger, but I've no room for the rest. And Y to P look pretty ropy as I can't write very well with my left hand.

Plus I'm out of Tippex remover so I'm going to look like a Lexiconic-Punk on the way home.

I never used to have this much trouble when I wrote with a fountain pen. Hey, a pen with accelerometers and gyroscopes. Now we're getting somewhere.

SanDisk's iXpand Wireless Charger is the unholy lovechild of a Qi mat and a flash drive

TheProf
Meh

Re: More than one phone?

"You can also share the storage with other members of your household. "

Hmm. It's hard to tell from that sentence.

Who's that padding down the chimney? It's Puma, with its weird £80 socks for gamers

TheProf
Facepalm

PUMA Socks

Well why not?

Do eSports have a car racing section? They probably use foot pedals so comfy, sorry, competitive footwear would be useful. Motorists can buy shoes designed for driving. Gloves too.

The Puma socks do have a nice design. And they haven't gone overboard with the branding yet. That'll come with later designs. (PUMA IGNITE LIMITLESS 2 EVOKNIT TRAINING SHOE. )

What do you mean your eardrums need a break? Samsung-owned JBL touts solar-powered wireless headphones you don't need to charge

TheProf
Angel

24 hour

Totally off topic, unless the topic is marketing BS

I use a mouthwash that boasts 24 hour protection*

*use twice a day.

Solar powered mouthwash? Where do I make a patent application?

Amazon Germany faces Christmas strikes from elf stackers, packers and dispatchers

TheProf

Quelle Surprise

Was für eine überraschung

(Google translated this.)

LightAnchors array: LEDs in routers, power strips, and more, can sneakily ship data to this smartphone app

TheProf
Mushroom

Christmas Lights

Hey what a great display of festive lights the town centre has this year. I think I'll picture it on my new smart phone.

Warning! Information overload! Core breach! Self-destruct in sixty seconds!

Warning! Information overload! Core breach! Self-destruct in fifty seconds!

TheProf

Re: Why on earth

So you'll know the gun is at the correct temperature without having to pick it up and squeeze the trigger every ten seconds to no effect.

Of course you'll have to hold your phone in one hand for the whole waiting period so you're pretty much tied to the gun's location either way.

Maybe the LED on the glue gun could just change from, say, red to green when it reaches optimum temperature.

When is an electrical engineer not an engineer? When Arizona's state regulators decide to play word games

TheProf
Facepalm

Re: Strange device

Oh yes! Being from Brexitland (formerly known as The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland) the thought of using an umbrella to keep the sun off one's head never occurred to me.

Well what a dope I am. It makes perfect sense for parasol to spray a nice cooling mist at the wielder. As long as they remembered to recharge it overnight.

TheProf
Pint

Strange device

"Mills was hired to develop a battery-powered pump for an umbrella that incorporates a mist spraying system"

Now this I want to see. An umbrella that protects you from the rain while at the same time spraying water into your face.

Apple sues iPhone CPU design ace after he quits to run data-center chip upstart Nuvia

TheProf

recordation - is that a word?

Yes, apparently it is.

https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/recordation

Although I think the, err, law-guy might have, umm, disabused it. Or sumfunk.

Mozilla locks nosy Avast, AVG extensions out of Firefox store amid row over web privacy

TheProf

"nobody like or wants adverts - but they make it free."

Nearly correct but the adverts are paid for by you whether you watch them or not. Those hundreds of thousands of pounds for 30 seconds during the FA Cup final don't come from nowhere.

That's Microsoft price: Now you can enjoy a BSOD from the comfort of your driving seat

TheProf
Devil

Re: Click and Collect

"Touch and collect doesn't seem right for some reason :0"

It's just waiting for the right hashtag to be coined.

Microsoft takes us to 2004 with new Windows 10 so you don't mistake it for Server 2003

TheProf
WTF?

Re: "light on features to enliven a keynote, but heavy on fixes"

"Orbis OS is an OpenSUSE-based operating system designed in mind for anime and manga fans."

Because anime and manga fans demanded a flavour of Linux just for them?

It woz The Reg wot won it! Big Blue iron relics make it back to Blighty

TheProf
Angel

Heartwarming

*Sob* I love these heartwarming Christmas tales.

Found on Mars: Alien insects... or whatever the hell this smudge is supposed to be, anyway

TheProf
Angel

I'm convinced

I'm going to believe him. There are dead insects on Mars.

Ooh I feel so much better now. All the time I've spent getting myself worked-up over the loonies claiming everything is a conspiracy, and now I just kick-back and accept it all on face value.

Wowzer! I feel so liberated. Of course the Earth is flat. Of course they never sent men to the Moon. Obviously Nazi flying saucers are hidden in the dark region at the top of the world. Err, assuming you roll the flat Earth into a cylinder.

Hmm. This isn't going to be as easy as I first though.

Space-wrecks: Elon's prototype Moon ferry Starship blows its top during fuel tank test

TheProf
Joke

Planning ahead

Obviously a planned shedding of weight before launch to save Mark Watney the trouble afterwards.

50 years on: Apollo 12 failed at selfies but succeeded at dismantling a probe

TheProf
Thumb Up

From The Earth To Moon

Watched the series to commemorate the 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. Much to recommend it, especially the portrayal of Al Bean by comic Dave Foley.

TalkTalk says it's yet to close deal on FibreNation as UK telecoms industry reels over Labour's nationalisation plans

TheProf
WTF?

Don't know about that

“Fibre broadband is good news for customers and TalkTalk. It offers a faster, more reliable service whilst also reducing churn......"

I swap (or is it churn?) my broadband as soon as the contract finishes. Why would you stay with they same provider when the price goes up 25% at the end of your 18 month contract?

Hello new contract and a nice introductory payout from TopQuidcoCashBack.

Anyone want a slightly used branded modem?

I'm still not that Gary, says US email mixup bloke who hasn't even seen Dartford Crossing

TheProf
Devil

My Name!

I DID take over an EA gaming account.

Ex from Hell gets six years for online stalking, revenge pics campaign against two women

TheProf

aggravated identity theft.

aggravated identity theft?

Can't see any identity theft reference in the story. How do you aggravate the theft of identity?

Here are some deadhead jobs any chatbot could take over right now

TheProf

Robot calls

They don't need to come up with clever scripts. Just remove from the call list all the numbers that tell them to 'feck off'.

Or do they seriously think that I'll suddenly fall for 'your windows is infested with IP faults at the router' if they just keep trying?

Satya 'Karma' Nadella ignored our complaints over pay gap, thousands of Microsoft women say

TheProf

Re: Comparison is very different

"the BBC as a result of complaints by women where the result of pay equity studies was that the majority of teh undepraid staff that were identified were male."

I didn't read that anywhere. Could you post a link to your source? Ta.

The UK's Civil Aviation Authority asked drone orgs to email fliers' data in an Excel spreadsheet

TheProf

SASE

In the old days you would have had to send your £9.00 postal order in an envelope, remembering to enclose a stamped self-addressed envelope for the return of your receipt.

It'd probably be quicker that way and with less chance of your details ending up scattered over the internet.

What simultaneously sucks and doesn't? This new robot vacuum cleaner

TheProf

Re: You know what also sucks?

I think our Nonymous friend is referring to the fact that sometimes you can't post a comment without a sign in box appearing just above the comment box.

Happened to me yesterday. I didn't complain though.

Bezos DDoS'd: Amazon Web Services' DNS systems knackered by hours-long cyber-attack

TheProf

Longer

Well that explains why the light on my connected to the internet smart socket* has been flashing randomly today. But that was happening on Saturday night and parts of Sunday too. Has this attack been going on for longer?

*Yes I know but it's only being used to turn on a small LED lamp. And half the time I use the button on the device itself. Look just stop judging me.

The sound of silence is actually the sound of a malicious smart speaker app listening in on you

TheProf
Angel

"please say Start followed by your Amazon password"

'Start'

[oiSEJFPIhjtp87eyfoiadjgb[pugjb]-0ERIT8VHPT9AERMIAB[WRSUTG[9AEURVNTUwenbmt ,[oHRG9F7TNe-98rmuW,E[ JM QER0UYG 0oOTNVEW8HJVPITOWIERMV_GOUQERHTFPIWRBHYMIUWRH_MVOQ,J-W98ne vp89PSDIUFHPIADJMGOADIFY+HVPIAUDFHAGM OUDYFBG VODF VOUSD HFINFS PNHGSIB

Wait a second. Is that an 'oh' or a 'zero'?

We read the Brexit copyright notices so you don't have to… No more IP freely, ta very much

TheProf

Re: Take Back Control?

Examples please.

Help! I bought a domain and ended up with a stranger's PayPal! And I can't give it back

TheProf
Devil

Re: Trying to report when people sign up with my addresses is painful

I cancelled the hotel booking some dumb cluck made using my email address instead of his own.

I'll probably not be going to Silicon Heaven now.

Creators Update meets its maker: It's 1903 or bust for those clinging to Windows 10 1703

TheProf
Thumb Up

Re: What's My Line

Thanks for all the helpful comments. I followed your methods to find the Windows version number and they all worked.....but.......

V.1 Click, click, click, scroll, click, scroll.

V.2 Two keys, click, scroll, click, scroll.

V.3 Click, find 'File', click, find 'Help', hover, slide, find 'About Windows', click.

Not exactly simple are they? A combination of clicks, scrolls and hovers needed to find the magic number. And you need to know where to look to find the version number.

All I was suggesting was that maybe putting the version number in the notification area would be an easier way of doing things. Click on notification icon and there's the version number.

@Snorlax. Of course I don't dress myself in the morning. Who gets out of bed before noon?

TheProf

What's My Line

Why is it such a rigmarole to find out what version of Win 10 one is using? I need to Google the long winded instructions every time this sort of article gets published.

Maybe putting the version number in a prominent place, that notification area springs to mind, would nudge users to upgrade.

So, what's fashion going to look like on the Moon in 2024? NASA's ready to show you the goods

TheProf

Suits

https://imgur.com/gallery/2k4LV

I like the new orange space suit. It's beginning to look like the Star Trek 'trouser hem as had an argument with the shoe top' style.

Sorry. Random thoughts.

BBC said it'll pull radio streams from TuneIn to slurp more of your data but nobody noticed till Amazon put its foot in it

TheProf
Mushroom

Dear BBC

Dear BBC,

I'm prepared to let you have all the information you want in return for making programmes that I want to watch or hear.

What? You'll make lowbrow dramas about cops and murders and I'll bloody well like it?

Also why are there so many trailers for other programmes? 6Music has a trailer every thirty minutes (on average.) It's bloody annoying. Just when Gideon Coe has set the mood on comes A BLOODY TRAILER and the mood is killed. And then there's the news, and the interviews, and the film reviews and Martin Freeman rattling on about The Beatles and Steve Lamacq saying 'Glasto' and all of them saying 'the legendary Maida Vale studio' and 'genre' . Honestly it's getting beyond a joke.

And after all that it's still my favourite radio station.

Google engineering boss sues web giant over sex discrim: I was paid less than men, snubbed for promotion

TheProf
Trollface

Is this the real life.....

I need a plumber to do some complicated work for me.

I've already had a very good quote from a fully qualified female lead-melter but I'm really keen to pay a man to do a cack-handed job and charge me more for it.