Posts by TheProf

A non-Standards Soviet approved measure of weight? Sod off, BBC!

Click

The BBC technology TV programme Click used the Giraffe as a unit of measurement recently. I think it was for weight but I can't honestly remember. (Or be bothered to check out. It was the Space Special if you need to know.)

Would you like to know why I get a lot of action at night?

Sorry

Sorry.

During the summer months I'm the chap sniffing at the back of the carriage. I'd much rather not be him but for some reason my sinuses fill up with a clear fluid that just cannot be shifted by blowing my nose. Yes I mop up the overspill as best I can but where to dispose of the multitude of soggy tissues?

I also apologise for the incessant sneezing. You'd think I was doing it just to spoil the peace and quiet of public transport.

All in all I'm a pretty sorry state during the summer. Banging headache, runny nose, itchy throat, sneezing. But as long as I can share this in some small way with my fellow travellers then I suppose things aren't that bad.

I do agree with you about those tizzy headphone wearers. Bastards!

David Hockney creates new Sun masthead. Now for The Reg...

Re: OMFG!

Yes these are sad times for Black people in Liverpool.

Only the other day I saw two middle-aged white men stand up and offer their seats on the bus to a young black man carrying a small child, and an elderly black woman.

None of them were reading The Sun

Millions of Brits stick with current broadband provider rather than risk no Netflix

Re: Bonus

A down vote? What do you want Donald, blood?

(When are we getting a good old fashioned British two-finger salute icon?)

Bonus

I've changed ISP twice in the past 2 years and on both occasions my connection speed has increased slightly. I think pulling the plugs out and fitting the new ones at the exchange cleans the contacts.

The downtime has been insignificant. Go out for a walk when the internet disappears and it's back when I return.

Devonians try to drive Dartmoor whisky plan onto rocks

Re: A small correction...

Not wrong. It's the drinker's choice.

Some whiskies I enjoy neat and some I enjoy with a single cube of ice. My taste-buds my rules.

All the cool kids are doing it – BT hikes broadband and TV bills

Once and it went well

"as their support staff are incompetent, rude and unhelpful for the most part."

I've dealt with BT support exactly once, on behalf of a friend who couldn't remember her BT password. The website offered to reset the password and email the new password to the user's BT email address. Not very useful!

I spoke to the BT help-desk and after explaining the situation, and providing enough evidence that I was speaking on behalf of the registered customer, was given a new password along with the advice to 'give it 10 minutes then change the password.'

It went smoothly and now my friend has access to her broadband account.

Maybe I just caught them on a good day but I found BT's service excellent.

Phoney McPhoneface: The thrilling tale of ZTE's crowdsourced mobe

Sticky back

I can see the value of having a phone with a sticky back.

No more phone sliding off a slightly inclined surface.

Can stick it to the dash of my car.

Stick it to the fridge when I'm cooking in the kitchen.

Difficult for pickpockets to pickpocket it..

Helps remove fluff and lint from my coat.

BT installs phone 'spam filter', says it'll strain out mass cold-callers

How much to review your spam call messages?

Digital minister Matt Hancock described nuisance callers as "a terrible blight on society" and welcomed the service.

He said: "We’ve forced companies to display their numbers when they call you, "

Well that's not going to work when an overseas call centre uses a fake number. And doesn't BT still charge £1.75 a month for providing the caller ID service? Of course if the caller withholds their number you can use BT's Anonymous Call Rejection service that won't let numberless call through. That'll cost you £5.80 a month.

Just give up: 123456 is still the world's most popular password

18atcskd2w

Is there a 'trick' to this password? It must be memorable for a lot of people for it to have made this list. If it's a mnemonic I can't figure it out.

Mr Angry pays taxman with five wheelbarrows worth of loose change

“BE EXCELLENT TO EACH OTHER.”

From: Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Peace-sign selfie fools menaced by fingerprint-harvesting tech

Welcome to the future.

I'm planning, in the next few years, on constructing a hat using yet-to-be built technology that will be able to see inside your mind and the yet-to-be determined wearer of said hat will have access to all your yet-to-be established secrets.

I bet you're quaking in your boots now.

BBC surrenders 'linear' exclusivity to compete with binge-watch Netflix

Great!

I'd like to see all the episodes of The Ten O'Clock News put on-line a week before they're broadcast. I bet Netflix can't do that.

Asteroid nearly gave Earth a new feature, two days after its discovery

Dang!

"Um, is Chuck Norris still available...?"

I had to check: Chuck is 76 while Bruce is still only a nipper at 61.

TV anchor says live on-air 'Alexa, order me a dollhouse' – guess what happens next

Re: Alexa!

Tek Wars?!? For God's sake somebody stop him!

OK Google, what's the closing time of nearest supermarket?

Well it worked first time for me. Correctly.

Which is more than I can say for the Americans I've met who couldn't understand my British (Liverpool but locals ask me where I'm from) accent.

"Excuse me, could you tell me where the bathroom is?" Blank look on American face.

(With phoney American accent) "Excuse me, could you tell me where the bathroom is?" "Oh yeah! Over on your left."

Programmer finds way to liberate ransomware'd Google Smart TVs

True Story

I've got a SONY TV and if I try to log into FaceBook it crashes.

Now if that isn't smart I don't know what is.

Barcodes stamped on breast implants and medical equipment

Scandal

OK barcode everything but how will that stop something like the Poly Implant Prothèse scandal happening? This company used unapproved (and dangerous) materials for years. Maybe someone should be checking that products are fit for purpose before cutting people open.

2016 just got a tiny bit longer. Gee, thanks, time lords

Re: Love it.

"schedule 25 hours of programmes"

That'll be one new hour long programme and 24 hours of repeats then?

Itchy-fingered OnePlus presses refresh, out pops value champ 3T

Again with the parallax

"The camera can shoot in RAW mode, so you can remove the parallax effect that’s ubiquitous in phone cameras."

It's isn't a parallax effect, it's not just phone cameras, and it's got bugger all to do with shooting jpegs!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parallax

Next time: Ranting about people using trifecta incorrectly.

If only our British 4G were as good as, um, Albania's... UK.gov's telco tech report

Oh yes, all 3 million Albanians can get wonderful download speeds.

EU dings Sony, Panasonic over rechargeable battery cartel

Re: And the victims of the scam ...

Yeah but if you did get the VAT back you'd only go and buy more Jaffa cakes,

Ransomware scum offer free decryption if you infect two mates

Re: If only someone....

"If you make their return on investment negative, it will quickly stop."

Nice thought but it won't work. No-one gets paid to vandalise public monuments but it happens.

Icelandic Pirate Party asked to form government

Re: Enquiring minds want to know..

Pirates!

https://vimeo.com/111458975

(Monty Python style.)

It’s Brexploitation! Microsoft punishes UK for Brexit with cloud price-gouging

Funny pricing

I found Microsoft were selling the Xbox One S (Minecraft edition) cheaper than anyone else last (black) Friday. £199 compared to the £229 everyone else seemed to be flogging them at. And they added an extra Forza game.

Maybe the pound had done a funny u-turn or something last week.

Inventor of McDonald's iconic Big Mac dies

Fame

Famous for putting a second disc of ground beef into an already populated bun? And you think those 'internet celebrities' have it easy.

50 years on, the Soviet-era Soyuz rocket is still our favorite space truck

Design

"the first Soyuz design was large for its time and very powerful. While it was designed to be flown with a three-man crew capsule on top"

Are you sure about that?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vostok_spacecraft

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voskhod_(spacecraft)

The original manned capsule was designed for one person. The following capsule design removed the ejector seat and fitted a second couch allowing for two crew. Dispensing with spacesuits at launch allowed for three crew members.

I read a book several years ago written by an engineer who had worked on the Russian rocket programme. It provided a fascinating insight into the politically motivated space programme. (Sorry I can't remember the authors name. I'd like to read it again sometime.)

UK's new Snoopers' Charter just passed an encryption backdoor law by the backdoor

Island mentality

Welcome to the Great British Dictatorship.

Please leave your ideas of democracy at the border.

No foreigners allowed.

No mobile devices.

No privacy.

Compulsory subscription to either The Daily Mail or The Daily Express.

Has Canadian justice gone too far? Cops punish drunk drivers with NICKELBACK

It could be worse

That reminds me of a friend who lost a wager. The forfeit was either a kick in the nuts or having to listen to a whole Coldplay album. I saw him afterwards and he was clutching his groin with a look of agony on his face. Next time, he said, he'll go for the kick in the nuts.

Rivals' keyword marketing activity censured by High Court

Victorian Plumbing

Think about it. Do you want a house full of 100 year old pipes, china and water geysers?

Loyalty card? Really? Why data-slurping store cards need a reboot

Re: Just digging deeper here

"I get a voucher promising bonus points for spending more than £90."

I get vouchers and they offer a 15% discount on my shopping. The spend to qualify has inched up to £60 from about £30 a few years ago so I don't use all the vouchers Sainsburys send. However when a new film comes out on Blu-Ray I'll get that (because they're £15 everywhere) £15 of groceries and £30 of wine.

All this and Nectar know in return: where I live and what I buy.

Passengers ride free on SF Muni subway after ransomware infects network, demands $73k

" I for one would like to see them captured and put into jail for a very long time."

Or forced to ride public transport 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

Drops the mic... Hang on, hackers could be listening through my headphones?

Listening in

Just as well laptops don't come with a built-in microphone.

Big Music goes mad for chat bots and AI

So much in this article to mock.

Really, it's going to take me so long to stop laughing that it'll be out of date before I manage to put anything else in print.

No super-kinky web smut please, we're British

Re: Not difficult to categorise...

Good grief! That's my wife, and servant in the video.

International Space Station celebrates 18th birthday in true style – by setting trash on fire

Spacewoman

I'd like to offer my congratulations to Peggy Whitson. She's doing something right.

Amazon's Netflix-gnasher to hit top gear In December

Re: Once again, I was ahead of the curve ...

"Tesco's terrible online experience."

Is it worse than the Tesco meatspace experience?

Going shopping for a BSOD? We've found 'em in store at M&S

Not for sale

Re Timex Sinclair 1000 in a shop window.

I've never understood why shopkeepers display things that they aren't prepared to sell. 'Ooh sorry, you can't have that, it's on display.' If they want to just display stuff they should open an art gallery.

I've frequently sent members of staff from my friendly-neighbourhood comic shop (Hi Worlds Apart!) into the window display to get the last copy of 'Captain Neutron and The Star Wranglers'. They seem to have a grasp on how a retail store makes money.

Customer data security is our highest priori- ha ha ha whatever, suckers

UFO

*sigh*

Gabrielle Drake and Ayshea Brough.

*sigh*

Also cracking theme tune.

Three Mobile, two alleged hackers, one big customer database heist

Mail order scam

I was 'used' in a catalogue scam a decade ago.

Someone who knew I was out at work ordered 2 mobiles from a mail order catalogue using my name and address.

Soon after the parcels were left with a neighbour, a second person called at the neighbour's house using some excuse about wrong goods being sent, and collected the two parcels.

I find out about the scam a couple of weeks later when an invoice for two phones turns up at my house. Fortunately the catalogue company believed me and didn't make a song and dance about things. (Which led me to believe that I wasn't the only pawn in a crooked undertaking.)

It sounded like an inside job to me.

Mac book, whoa! Apple unveils $300 design tome

The end

Well that just about wraps it up for Apple. As soon as a band has to release a greatest hits compilation you know their best years are behind them.

Your body reveals your password by interfering with Wi-Fi

Re: Randomised keypads

@Chloe Cresswell

How would you fair if the numbers were to be replaced with icons? Instead of 1,2,3,4, your 'password' could be 'smiley', 'rabbit', 'hat', 'football'. Or maybe 'up-arrow', 'asterisk', 'backslash', 'plus-sign'?

A cardboard desk? I won’t stand for it (actually I will)

?!?!?!?!?!

ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-NINE Great British Pounds for a wobbly cardboard table?

Well done Mr. Dabbs, that is surely the funniest article you have ever written.

(I opened the video in a separate tab and the other videos on the offered appear to be German Benny Hill style smut. Well done for keeping such good company.)

Toblerone's Brexit trim should be applied to bloatware

Exclusive

"consider the app store that Samsung bravely includes"

Well I got Here maps from their store. It was free and exclusive to Samsung. Seems to be less exclusive now but YES I did used the silly Samsung app store.

Celeb-backed music TV phallus Electric Jukebox finally ready for launch

All the hit, all the time, all the hit, all the time, all the hit, all the time

Do they still play adverts on heavy rotation? Last time I heard Absolute the same adverts were being played every 15 minutes or so. After an hour I turned the radio off and wondered how long I'd get for burning down the heavily plugged solicitors office.

I've not listened to them again. Or burned down any other solicitors offices.

Tesco Bank limits online transactions after fraud hits thousands

Convenience store

"Tesco Bank customers were notified of the breach by emails and text messages. One reader reported receiving a text at 5.40am."

Is there a convenient time to receive bad news? Would the 'one reader' have been happy if the text hadn't arrived?

(Yes I know the 'one reader' would prefer not to have money taken from her bank account but she's whining about being texted.)

Leaks password, check. Leaks Wi-Fi password, check. Can be spoofed, check. Ding! We have an Internet of S**t winner

Weird people

I saw the bedroom of my friend's children recently and I wonder what kind of weirdo likes looking at toy strewn floors and beds that look like a smashed meringue.

Facebook chokes off car insurance slurp because – get this – it has privacy concerns

Well thought out idea.

Absolutely in no way could anyone ever engineer a social account to make it look like it belonged to a potentially safer driver.

No way in hell.

No sir!

Admiral will just have to look at YouTube accounts to see if drivers are behaving themselves. (Hint: No, they're not.)

Smartmobe made 'intermittent bright flashes and a hissing noise' in Biz class seat

Nickel and graphite

Well that's the answer to Samsung's image problem. They just rename their battery technology Nickel-Graphite.

Re: My phone gets switched off before boarding

'if it's a longer flight I tend to have a small tablet or a Kindle to entertain me'

Good thing they don't have internal batteries. Ah.......