* Posts by Nemo Metis

45 publicly visible posts • joined 20 Jun 2008

Games Workshop finds that in the grim darkness of the 3rd millennium, there is only ERP

Nemo Metis

Re: Given the seriousness of the situation...

Perhaps placating the right Machine Spirits might help - they seem to have a few to choose from

Help-desk hell

Nemo Metis

Somtimes you just need better engineers

Working a helldesk for a major electronics chain, and this gem come through:

User: My computer doesn't want to accept disks

Me: Could you elaborate on that for me?

User: When I try to put a disk in, it just falls on to the floor. Your engineer that set this up earlier said it should all be fine

*thinking surely the engineer isn't that useless* Me: The disk drive, is it at the top or the bottom?

User: At the bottom

*bearing in mind the user is an elderly lady*Me: I'm very sorry for this Madam, I'll call the engineer to come back and install your computer the right way up for you.

Of coures, Lusers can still be idiots, like this cracker on Xmas day:

User: I want to complain. Your computers are shit and your salesmen liars. They said this laptop would work on my wireless network and it doesn't

Me: Have you turned the wifi switch on?

*10 seconds of dead air*

User:*literal phrasing* This is Mr M Uppet signing off *hangs up*

Harry Potter hangs up wand in 2011

Nemo Metis


JK Rowling should have been shot a long time ago, alongside Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderso for crimes against literature.

Mines the one with Barry Trotter and the Inevitable Cash In in the pocket

USAF seeks diamond gunports for electropulse ray-cannon

Nemo Metis


I for one welcome our lazer headed shark-type overlords.... when they arrive, that is.

@ Pad: my favourite so far is "suicide by cop". Always brings a smile!

MoD: 27 per cent of our computers are secure

Nemo Metis
Paris Hilton

Re:Did he say that with a straight face?

Why do you think they're throwing the book at him? They know the systems are less protected than an Essex girl's cherry, they just don't like it being shouted about.

Paris.. well given the Essex girl comparison, there wasn;t anything else to choose really...

Brit loonies adventurers headed to Timbuctoo by 'flying car'

Nemo Metis
IT Angle


Anyone else think this could all end with one of this year's entries in the Darwin Awards?

Human rights court rules UK DNA grab illegal

Nemo Metis
Thumb Up


I like it. I like it as much as twatdangle.

Nemo Metis
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I'm waiting for the last buzzword to appear in context here - Machiavellian. We've had the rest.

We really, really need a Wacky Jacqui icon El Reg, sort it!

I think this is a great move, and i didn't see it coming. The first good thing to come out of Europe in forever. Let's hope the law is water tight and hermeticallyt sealed so there is no way around it!

Social workers sacked over Gary Glitter email

Nemo Metis
Black Helicopters

As always, the Daily Heil Strikes again

As tasteless as the joke may be, it's still funny.

Black Helicopters because the PC brigade are out in full force. Again.

Home Office to hand out more Tasers to police

Nemo Metis

Well if Tasers are the case

Then i'm going no where without my cattle-prod.

Story withdrawn

Nemo Metis


I had no choice really but to go for twatdangle, as asshat and fucktards have been in my volcabulary for yonks, and none of the others cried out with the same originality

Employees sue for unpaid Windows Vista overtime

Nemo Metis


Now while i think 15 mins is a load of cobblers, i still just want to point and laugh at the poor little morons for using Vistard. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!.

Pointless post over.

Don't worry, i'm leaving now, mines the one with FreeBSD in the pocket

BNP races to get membership list off the net

Nemo Metis

Is it just me..

Or does anyone else see the irony in hating the BNP?

Now I'm not their biggest fan by any means, and while we can all sit back and have a laugh at Nick Griffin getting all uppity about it, why are we not more outraged about the whle data leakage aspcet of this. Regardless of what we may think of the political views of the people on said list, what do you think could happen to these people and their families if some idiot got an idea into his head? Nothing good thats for sure.

Royal Society of Chemistry defines perfect Yorkshire pud

Nemo Metis
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@ Sam

one word my son, Perfick!

And if you want it done the best me ducks, then only in the proper home of the Yorkie pud can you get it: Nottingham.

Gary Glitter expelled from GCSE paper

Nemo Metis

@ Wagner is still on the syllabus

Shouldn't they have gotten rid of this yonks ago given its incestuous plotline?

Anyway, where's the point in removing one of Glitter's songs from the curriculum, your already guaranteed the student know who and what he is, and have almost certainly listened to at least one of his songs.

And what's the danger in letting them look him up? All they'll find is BBC and Daily Fail reports of his kiddy fiddling, i can't imagine they would actually come across one of his songs. It's not like they've published his naughty pics is it?

Mines the one with the target on it for Fail readers....

Palin didn't know Africa is a continent, McCain aides say

Nemo Metis
Paris Hilton

@ Webster Phreaky

So he admitted using cok, being a Socialist and whatever else - who cares? Really?

At least he's admitted to these things rather than hid them away. Unlike McCain, who is addicted to fuck knows what and how many different drugs. You know, the ones he gets fom his addicted wife?

All i can say is tough fucking shit, the rest of the US have spoken, and in my eyes made the better choice, no lets hope that, despite how much he sound like a former UK politician 11 years ago, that he doesn't follow in said fool's footsteps and deliver.

Unless he starts world war 3, he really can't be too much worse than Bush, so quit whining.

As for Palin, shouldn't she go back to where she belongs, aka her grave?

Paris, because (as has been mentioned) at least she's travelled, and knows somethings. Should have voted for her......

Study clears cannabis of schizophrenia rap

Nemo Metis
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legalise and tax it?

Yes it should be legalised, all this article does is really inform a lot of people who already could have taken a guess at what it says turned out to be right. Thing is, if they legalised it, it's not something you can tax, because people would just grow their own, and not buy rom the corner shop like you do ciggies. The government really don't have any motive to legalise it, save to stop the lobbyists shouting at them every five minutes.

Good article though

Drunken Brummie hack resigns on YouTube

Nemo Metis

A lesson to Journo's

This is how it's done!

I for one welcome our drunken hack overlords.....

Home Office coughs to stolen lappies

Nemo Metis

Is it just me..

Or do you think that the government department responsible of technology and it's security should have taken a page out of the James Bond book by now and had them self destruct?

Wait, thats just silly isn't it

Mine's the one with the Pointsec manual hanging out

Crazy Frog won't croak again

Nemo Metis

The Frog is Dead

Long Live Death!!!!!!

About bloody time too!

Boy band sings praises of Windows 7

Nemo Metis


I am disturbed beyond words.

mines the one hung up in the therapists office, on it's way to the pub.

Coming soon: Spider-Man - The Musical!

Nemo Metis
Paris Hilton

Oh. My. God.

An there i was thinking a Sex and the City film, or an ABBA musical was as low as we could go.

Paris, because as low as she goes, she knows where to stop.

Daily Mail hacks get emergency bird flu jabs

Nemo Metis


if the Fail is right for once and we all get killed by this flu. What would they have to write about? would they still spoout the same old twaddle, and if so, would they realise they were talking shit about themselves?

David Blaine does a Benito Mussolini

Nemo Metis

RE: Tit

That about sums it up for this pointless waste of resources.

Flames, because his next trick should be showing us all how the Salem Witch trials ended, people stood in fire till they're burnt to a crisp.

Artemis Fowl scribe to pen sixth Hitchhiker's novel

Nemo Metis

Need I mention..

the travesty that occured some ten years ago when the Hacks Twain (Kevin J Anderson and Brian Herbert) got hold of a really bad idea to start fiddling around in the Dune universe? This idea stinks.

Flames, because that is what will be left of the book on it's launch

Lehman Bros chaps snog amid world economic meltdown

Nemo Metis
Paris Hilton


All you need is love!

Paris, because she knows all about love and money.

Revealed: How the Beano de-menaced Dennis

Nemo Metis
IT Angle


“We decided the best way to approach it was to make sure that, even though he and Dennis didn’t get along, Walter was completely happy about who he was and a confident, likeable character in his own right. We eventually gave Walter a girlfriend too, as a measure to combat any further criticism.”

so instead of making Dennis more accepting of homosexuality, they turn Walter straight. Riiiiight......

Hadron boffins: Our meddling will not destroy universe

Nemo Metis


reading some of these comments anyone would think reg readers took notice of the sun/fail's doomsaying. one or to things will happen as a result of finding this Higgs Boson chappy: 1) it all goes tits up and we never know anything about it because its too late. So long and thanks for all the fish.

2) can anyone say no more energy bills? the direct result from all this, at least one of them anyway, will be to control any form of reaction from it and harnessing that energy. this would, more or less produce zero point energy. utilising this, a cubic centimetre of space, could provide energy to run the entire world with each country consuming the amount the USA does for 100,000 years. IIRC.

Bring it on.

BOFH: Lock and reload

Nemo Metis

i hate to be pedantic...

but where's episode 28? or has it vanishe into the ghost server room?

Welder in DIY penis enhancement nut mishap

Nemo Metis


I thought we'd already let get to that point.....

as for the story... nah, the jokes are too obvious there, so i'll just get my coat now....

Neo-Nazi forum hacked

Nemo Metis


"However, police may not be able to do anything with the information, because the data was gathered illegally."

But surely, as it is now in the public domain, they can treat it as an anonymous tip and catch the facist scum?

The internet saves!

McKinnon loses extradition fight

Nemo Metis
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right, so we all know he accessed the computers, that's nothing to quibble over. we all know that the UK and Kinnon are being well and truly shafted by this extradition treaty, which buggers us all really. I'm still trying to figure out why this has become so bloody big. Yes, he accessed the computer, due to very lax security, butno harm no foul surely. There is bugger all evidence that any of this so-called "thousands of pounds worth of damage" happened. Hell, if the damage happened, i think that would have constituted news given the overall effect any damage would do to those systems.

And why are they baying for his blood so hard? Should they be offering the guy a job, as their own people clearly aren't up to it.

time to hitch hike my way around the rest of the universe...

Coming soon: Facebook - The Movie!

Nemo Metis
Paris Hilton

@Oh My Good God....

i'll shoot you, you shoot me. better yet, lets just shoot the moron at Sony who had this brightspark idea

Paris, because even she is'nt this dumb

El Reg salutes ultimate shed anthem

Nemo Metis
Paris Hilton


...... i find myself speechless.

Paris, because she knows what sheds are for.

Old timers rattle zimmers at 'Elderly Persons' sign

Nemo Metis


Is this sign stereotyping? Yes. Do people recognize what the stereotype is fro the image? Yes. Do people know full well that not all elderly people are anything like what this stereotypical image depicts? Yes. The problem then? Daily Mail readers who are sick of the ethnic minorities pulling this one all the time and now they want their turn: translate into: morons who have too much time on their hands and are not putting it to good use.

Warning: common sense strikes again.

Gag order lifted for students who hacked subway card

Nemo Metis
Black Helicopters

Wouldn't common sense

demand that instead of being pricks about it, theat MBTA hire these three on as consultants for a while to fix the problem, rather than prosecute them and carry on as normal?

black helicopters because i'm talking sense again...

UK.gov to spend hundreds of millions on snooping silo

Nemo Metis


When did the Daily Mail staff get into power? Where has this money come from? It seems the government has suddenly got a lot of money to throw around recently, what with helping the banks out, now building a database to track my every move and breath.

I'm thinking we need Spider Jerusalem.

Mines the one thats actually a blur suit, so the black helicopters can't find me

Colchester Hospital sacks manager over lost laptop

Nemo Metis

Let's see

Surely this isn't stil happening? After all the laptops the intelligence services have lost one would like to think that people, especially some of the countries vital organs such as the NHS and government, would have learnt to actually plough money into data encryption and not their bank accounts. surely it's better to have a secure job that doesn't pay as well as it could over a well paid job that lasts a week because someone's after a five fingered discount?

mine's the one with the handbook of common sense in it's pocket....

Google maps Russian assault on Savannah

Nemo Metis
Paris Hilton



Evidently not you illiterate moron.

Paris because she makes love not war (grabs coat that says moron with bad jokes...)

Paris Hilton - the compromised candidate

Nemo Metis
Paris Hilton


I don't actually think anything else needs to be said really.

Paris, well beside the obvious, she knows a lot about expending energy.

MPs lambast BBFC over Batman

Nemo Metis


So does this mean the reinstatement of the 9pm watershed, and the news can only be shown after 9pm? When will people just stop being so bloody stupid? I've not even seen the film yet and i'm telling people not to be stupid. If a film like this, which, lets face it, was always destined to be graphically voiolent, is getting people churning, then god know what happens when they watch the news.

Penguin bedcause the world is in violent technicolour, not just black and white

Wünderbra! German policewomen take 'Action Brassiere'

Nemo Metis
Black Helicopters

Where are the pics?!?!?!

You could at least have obliged us with someimages, even if they were only of 'Allo 'Allo's Helga.

As for those twits complaining about the SS joke: grow up and get a sense of humour.

Black helicopter because the Thought Police will be coming any moment for those of us with a sense of humour....

German medical team arms man, twice

Nemo Metis


So this is how it starts! anyone want to take bets on when Liquid Snake will begin to manifest?

Mines the one with unpatched sleeves....

Baptist church in assault rifle giveaway

Nemo Metis

Onward Christian Soldiers.....

So, not only do we have half the country worried that their next president is going to be the anti-christ (i'm still waiting on how they got to that one), but they're also letting the churches arm the kids. is it just me, or can anyone else here Janet Reno in the background shouting for tanks?

mine's the one with highway to hell on the back....

Do you know how much of your porn is extreme?

Nemo Metis
Paris Hilton


So i take it the BBFC will be hiring when this law comes in? I mean, we can't have all those films out there with all this extreme stuff in them can we, and someone has to sit there and watch all those films to determine which are safe and which are to be blacklisted.... Hold on a second, have I been magically transported into Alan Moore's V for Vendetta comic, or is this really happening?

Paris, because she really isn't extreme,