Posts by Hugh Jorgen

Jedi light-sabre beats Taser in Oregon parking-lot fracas

Bloody liberals

In the good ol Days the officers partners.... one Smith and the other Weston... would have had a loud and fairly definitive chat to the perp after which the perp would have lodged a complaint to our old friend St Peter.

If the US old bill wasn't so scared of the words "Rodney King" and some tard with an iPhone they wouldn't have any need for Tasers. What's wrong with someone fucking up getting dealt with quickly and simply nowadays?

As for your critique, my personal view is stuff it back up your arse and let the police do their job.

EU sues UK.gov over Phorm trials

Steady on Brussells, go for the perps, not the victims.

Once again I shudder at the notion of "millions of squids in fines...."

Let's look at this logically. The English public were spied on by BT and once they found out complained to uk.gov who did fuck all.

Now their being spanked for their fuck alledness in the form of fines, and that money comes from........ the English public. Talk about a double shafting eh?

Why, oh why can't we bring back more sensible means of holding the perps responsible for their actions? Financial fines will be useless as these dodgy bastards always have their money hidden so let's learn from the past....

......I propose public floggings. That'll teach em!!!

In his summary of the offence and passing sentence Lord Justice Everard Edbutt declared "It would appear the defendants, after being made aware of the infractions committed by their chums and policical financiers, made a concious decision to divert attention away from the offences committed. Their attempts to ignore the offences and blatant option to do fuck all has left the British tax payer holding what is tantamount to the shitty end of the stick. I therefore pass judgement that these shitehawks are taken from this place to the public square and the skin flayed off their backs. I deem justice will then have been served on the twats without detriment to the public at large."

Spandau Ballet get the Tourette's karaoke treatment

Mash it up mon

I'd love to hear his version of Insane Clown Posse's "Fuck the World"...

Brits unleash world's hottest chilli pepper

I ate a chilli...now I can see through time....

My neighbour grows chilis and had a bhut jolokia, it could burn your skin if you handled it too long..... OMFG.

He put it on a string, dunked it in soup (sploosh, up down, up down, out) and binned it. The soup was a killer, I'd have wiped my mouth out with a vindaloo to get rid of the burning if it helped.

As for the "why bother" crowd....because we're English and we can, and some idiot somewhere will want to try it. I'd like to put my name forward as that idiot please.

That's it, the one with the burning ring of fire falling out the bottom......

Oz pedestrians fall to 'Death by iPod'

I have a cunning plan.......

Sometimes the simplest cure is the most effective.

Problem: Pedestards listening to MP3 players and not paying attention to traffic

Solution: Increase alertness in pedestards

So, let the traffic do all the work........DeathRace 2010. Make it legal and highly encouraged for traffic to have free licence running down pedestards with headphones on whether they be in the road, on the pavement, going into a shop etc etc.

This, I guarannfuckintee you, will make the pavement shufflers really pay attention, constantly checking the road in all directions for traffic. It will have the added benefit of improving their fitness by running, jumping, swinging, dodging and sudden sharp turns. Drivers could even be rewarded by a weekly points competition where the winner is allowed to remove a number of their least favorite shite music from iTunes.

Everyone ultimately ends up a winner. Now, about my fee for solving this little issue..........

Sun-like star HD10180 thought to have Earth-sized world

is that a ray gun in your pocket....?

Finally, a post with some sense.

Think this through. Aliens won't invade earth for resources. All their mineral and water needs can be plucked out of space, if they can build an intergalactic spaceship they can easily go and mine a comet for water, or thaw out an ice moon, or bring home a 15 mile long uridium asteroid. Why would they invade for conquest? We'd just fight back and frankly it'd be a choice of complete anihilation or they bugger off home when Arnie spanks one in a jungle, and apart from the Polish builders amongst us we're not exactly big on continual manual labour and therefore piss poor slaves. They also wouldn't invade for our technology , they've got a fuckin spaceship.....WTF do they need a Wii for?

On the other hand, the most likely reason for invading would be like a smokers trip to Amsterdam. Face it, they're just like sailors but in space, so when they find an inhabited planet the first point of call is get wasted and laid.

I call this the universal law of poontang aquisition. Eventually, when technology exceeds the limitations of watching pron, society builds space ships and heads off to another planet where the women/men** may be impressed by intergalactic travel and put out big time.

**delete preference as necessary.

Booze makes you clever, having none makes you stupid

hmmmm...

Homer no function well beer without.........

Bottoms up.

Extreme porn law on the ropes

Double standards eh?

How come, in cases where suspected pedo activity has taken place, no-one quips "won't anyone think of the children..."?

Well, yes, as it turns out :)

The one with the tar & feather remover please.....

Australia imposes parental lock for digital TVs

Next bill up for consideration

The Arse Wiping Bill 2010 - since Australains aren't capable of wiping their own arse without government intervention this bill will hopefully address the concern of unscrubbed rings on public seating.

I fuckin HATE blanket restrictions like this. If I want to watch certain catch up TV programmes through the day I have to enter a PIN on the STB. I phoned Telewest and asked if this could be completely disabled.......I NEVER have children under 18 in the house, WTF do I need a fuckin PIN for to watch a 15 rated documentary at 11am on a Saturday? In fact, WTF would anyone with access to my TV need one for?

Epic Australian.gov fail........

Solar plasma aurora storm to hit Earth tomorrow today!

Depends....

...on whether 'self pollution' counts as activity. If so then I just wiped my hands and started typing straight after......

Paris - mmmmm, hyperactive, brb.

Sooo....

Is it a good or bad day to put the washing out tomorrow? I don't want to have to wash solar particles off my y-fronts if it can be avoided.

NHS spunks £7.5k on porn room

Good day out.....

Is there a time limit?

Do they expect a 'wham bam thank you pam' or can you have a leisurely afternoon with pants round ankles having a tug of war with cyclops?

Paris - I donated at the office, thanks!

Cops taser Somerset chap's nether regions

Sorry, I'll try again.....

Don't butt in, silky boy.

The comma obviously makes a difference, si? Better?

Don't butt in silky boy....

Whimpered AC "Wonder what your reaction would be if it happened to you?"

Huh? Ok.

Well, most likely convulsions stopping the fluid pronunciation of "FFFFFFFUUUUUCCKKK"

A fair chance of the turtle munching through the cloth.

Endless tales in the pub of a cocksucker what tased me

A constant reassuring check and fondle of my narrowly missed nutsack.

Unfortunately, over the years, a complete disregard for personal safety combined with the curiosity of what constitutes a thrill and a blase attitude to pain has left it's marks. Mains voltage has been in there too a couple of times, and so has the occasional electric fence "just to see what it does". So what's a taser to me in and amongst that? A case of beer and a doob and you could swap paint ball guns for tasers and I'd be well up for a go, lets remember when the big boys are playing that an accidental death doesn't automatically stop the game. Although no aiming for the bollocks would have be a gentlemans agreement up front.

Brave words? Nah, just indifference to things that make 'puddle jumpers' cry because it might cause them a booboo.

Taser - bring out the pussy in you...!!!!!

Seriously now, what the hell is wrong with all the taser bashers?

So someone gets a slight shock, big deal. Genuinely, big fuckin deal.

Here's the options for a confrontation with the rozzers.....

1) Shot!

2) Smacked half to fuck with a batton

3) Tased

Lets consider this another way....

1) Big fuckin hole in the chest.

2) Broken jaw with a few teeth missing and cracked eye socket

3) Zapped and shat your pants.

Now given the choice which are you going to go for? Personally I'm all for a tasering. In fact, fuck it, I'd not even be bothered about the odd 'accidental' tasering. They even tase coppers so they can see what it's like, do you hear them bitching and moaning?

Everyone I've seen to date being all liberal, pissy and anti tase I've thought the exact same thing.....

Fuckin PUSSY!!!!! That is all.

Gulf spill to annihilate all earthlings, says seer

Right..!!! Playtime's over...!!!!!

I've had enough of all this liberal oil well molly coddling and nancy boy half fixes and trying to make everyone feel better! It's not working and frankly it's starting to make the rest of the world think we're turning limp wristed......

...there's only one thing left to do to fix this whole problem

NUKE THE WELL!!!!!!!!

wtf?? Where's the mushroom cloud icon? Do no mad scientists post here?

BT trumpets subsidies for village broadband

*SIGH* *again*

Few issues with this. There is a period of several years where the council don't adopt the roads (and pavements) for a new estate. With the exception of a few civils issues VM will have blanket permission from the councils to run cables in *their* roads/pavements. Not so with the building companies. The building companies are responsible for making their own arrangements with VM and some have even run in the ducting.

That's where the gray areas start. Sometimes the issue is connecting up to the main fibre network as it needs to go across a piece of land/road where they can't obtain permission. Then there's the tax dodges and planning dodges associated with building companies (reads: gangsters!), VM may be able to cable up when the building of the estate is completed.....but the building company hasn't "technically" completed all the build for reasons of tax, or for reasons of planning. An "incomplete" estate puts tax and planning regulations into limbo which makes it easier to "adjust" certain aspects of the finances/future build.

Then there's the cost, VM may cable up the estate which is already 90% smothered with satellite dishes and only pick up a handful of customers. Tens of thousands of £'s later for 20 customers signing up the 3 for £30 isn't a good return.

Finally there's the paranoia reason, perhaps VM don't like you and the kind of people living around you. Maybe you're all the reasons for them staying away...... you've obviously considered all the options and understand all the problems in providing you with a fibre service and obviously resolved them all so the only option remaining is they don't think any of your neighbourhood can piss straight?

*sigh*

It's in the license. The incumbent operator is obliged to provide service to every property in the country. It's not to do with competition or monopoly.

There's nothing stopping LLU operators providing service to out the way places.....oh hang on, fuck me, yes there is......capitalism. As a business you don't spend more than you can get back as a return, and running to an out the way place costs more than...er...let me work this out..more than.....oh, now I get it......more than you'll get back.

So, left to competition there'd be fuck all, literally, fuck, and literally, all, service to these places unless someone made someone do it. Put in the hands of the smaller businesses they'd all cry out "unfair, we're getting fucked over", so they make the biggest company do it because they can absorb the loss and won't grumble as much and will be around for the 180 years it'll take to break even. That sounds like socialism to me!

I'll blame the bastard French!

Cheers dude

Thanks for winding them up, now they're all going to go and piss in the water. Not that safe city piss packed full of e-numbers and preservatives. Village piss is all wholegrain and full of twigs.

Women: keep computer games short and sweet

ooh ooh ooh.... I know this one

I think by 'funny violence' they mean a character gets a power up from a can of stella, then slaps another character stood by a kitchen sink around for 15 minutes.

Aha ha ha Bwa ha BWAH HA HA HA AHA

Oh, my sides.

No? Ok, I was going anyway.

Robotic cargo spacecraft misses rendezvous with ISS

220 pounds of water......

Woohoo boys, the fresh water's here.....

......aw fuckety, it's overshot!!!!!

Um, pint of piss anyone?

How can UK.gov spend £35m on a website?

The Secret Society of Web Developers (reads: Fleecing Bastards)

I recently had a look into costs of a website and did a little ad hoc research. Here's what I found:

1) Web developers don't have published price lists.

2) The filthy leaching cock suckers insist on 'discussing your requirements', which is tantamount to setting up the mark and sounding out their financial status.

3) They then work out a bill based on what the mark can pay, not on the amount of work actually required.

4) No two quotes will ever be the same for an identical site.

5) The "creativity" comes from changing colours on a template, any requirement for real creativity and a unique look comes with a quote that will make you physically shit in your pants cos the web dev dick muncher actually has to a) do some work, or b) farm it out to a real programmer.

Now, add in the ignorance of .gov and you've got a recipe for web scum butt fucking gov morons.

Before the wailing of "we're not all like that" starts from the cock suckers, for every 1 so called ethical web dev with a menu price list of sorts I will give you at least 10 wankers with a con job web design business designed to extort maximim cash for pitiful amounts of work. Shower of bastards!!!!

It's non-stop fun in Zero Carbon Britain, 2030

If oil is so evil.....

Why are the government taxing the hell out of huge V8 engine gas guzzlers? We're using up all the oil as quickly as possible so it stops being an evil issue for everyone. How's about a little 'thanks' every now and again?

Paris...I'll bet she knows what a V8 is..... :)

What the Greens fail to address......

...is how the hell am I going to keep my Taser charged up? I mean, it's going to need a lot of power because I'm planning to redistribute a small portion of it's power to every green liberal do gooder I meet.

I for one welcome our environmentally minded green overlo**KERFOOKINZAP** **sizzle**

Romford coppers try to stopper young snapper

*sigh*

This isn't even close to a free country with this kind of police behaviour.

We don't live in a free country. There is no right to free speach. We don't have a constitution like the Merkins stating any of our rights. We're basically a nation of cattle funding leaches with armies and guns.

We live in a police state, that's just how it is. Try and change it and you'll be a 'terrorist' which can attract some legal bad things in your general direction.

I can't figure out what's more upsetting, people who are deluded in thinking we're a "free society", or the fact we've not fully appreciated the beautiful seide effects of having a police state and invaded France....like the good old days.

WTF?

Let's see a £3.5k fine per policeman at the scene.

Huh? Are you being serious? Here's a wake up call for you. Any time the police, fire dept, council, gov or any public body pay money out it's, get ready for this bombshell, OUR FUCKIN MONEY!

So OK, wind up the greedy fucktards who agree, have your £3.5k per rozzer at the scene, you fuckin pay for it!!!!

It's incidents like this and money grabbers like anon who are draining resources that could be better spent......like on fuckin tasers for your dumb ass.

/rant

Paris, cos that's how I prefer cocksuckers to look!

Halley's comet is actually ALIEN VISITOR

Whoa there professor.....

Ok, slow it down a bit, remember there's no pictures so some of us are struggling to pay attention. Astro babble and geek speak is completely meaningless here.........

Now, how many football pitches/Wales's????

Naked Cowboy wrestles Naked Cowgirl

Hats off.......

God(s) bless the Germans and their love of random (and frequent) nakedness.

Bottoms up.

ThinkGeek trembles before Pork Board's pork sword

Sum it up, don't waste 12 pages.

Dear ThinkGeek,

Stop it. Just stop it right now. Unicorn meat my arse!

Fuck with our trademark slogans and we'll 'open a can of

WHOOPASS' (tm) Stonecold Steve Austin (threat used under license courtesy of the WWE)

Go out and get some sun.

Fuckin stoners......

Regards,

The Pork Board

There, now about my fee.......

Primate-phobic Brit attacked by crab-eating Macaques

oh?

it's the same thing isn't it?

Almost forgot to ask....

why didn't she just spank the monkey? I mean, really hard, fast and furious? My hand would have been a blur.....

........as usual.

Paris, as if you have to wonder....

Just remember......

That's how Braindead started..... the rats got(ten) off the boat, and raped all the little tree monkeys.

Mines the one with terrible Aussie splatter movies in the pocket.

Wannabe Jedi drool over potent laser 'lightsabre'

This should be interesting......

Something tells me we're about to have a cleansing of the gene pool..........

I can't wait for the first twisted puppy to show this to his/her friends (ok, they probably don't have 'friends' per se, more a clump of equally friendless freaks brought together by some mysterious force normal people reflect away...)

Freak buddy #1 'Show me what it does'

Freak 'look, it burns skin...oww'

Freak buddy #2 'What can it do..'

Freak 'look, it burns skin...oww'

Freak buddy #3 'What's that for...'

Freak 'look, it burns skin...oww'

Freak buddy #4 'cool, a lightsaber, how powerful is it?'

Freak '*sob* I don't wanna show you......*sniffle*

Lightning bolt smites 60ft Jesus statue

Interesting......

Lets all agree with the local inhabitants and encourage this act of God as the sign the end of the world is here......and God's starting the apocolypse in backwater USA. Convince them to move somewhere less evil where God's going to last....buy up the land and property really really cheap......

...........then flatten the lot and open a casino with hookers, and bullfighting.

Paris, because she's the closest to a hooker icon (and I'd pay to slap her boobies).

Washington cop tases naked lawn sex man

I understand the rozzers dilema.....

A man comes towards you with a loaded spam truncheon and doesn't take an instruction to 'get that weapon away from me...', if he's not stepping backwards and I had an electric persuader he'd be tasting the volts there & then.

Aussies face 10 year browsing lock-up

Just how stupid are these politicians?

Seriously now, when it comes to dodgy back handed deals, manipularing legislation for bungs, keeping half a towns rent boys in business, having extra marital affairs, indulging in seedy (and illegal...) sex games, drugs rackets, conspiting with organised crime, fraud, profiteering, extortion.... etc..etc..etc, politicians are amongst the most notorious repeated offenders.

How fuckin stupid do you need to be to then encourage all this t'interweb data retention? It'll be so easy to then hack these details out into the open and sink the lot of them. Surely sense would say to encourage NON retention of t'internet data so they can carry on their sordid little lives in the closet.

Bunch of wankers, all of em.

Thousands of 'sexsomniacs' suffering in silence, say profs

Not so....!!!!!

I have bouts of sexomnia even when no-one else is there, and it's no laughing matter. My palms look like a yak's ears and I have one of the worlds largest biceps but only on one arm. I'm relieved this condition has finally been recognised by boffins who will now help convince it's medical and not repeated over enthusiastic acts of self pollution.........

PPppaarrissss.....

Oh no!!! NURSE...IT'S DONE IT AGAIN......

Microsoft: IE6 lives 'cause it busts Facebook

If Microsoft were't to money grabing....

er...and shat too!

I still run Win98se on my desktop with IE6 and it's solid.

I have an XP machine for work with IE7, it's tempramental and I can't use it for private purposes.

I have a Vista laptop with IE8 for my home business......I can't use certain online applications on that machine because they're not supported by IE8. Oh, and Vista can suck a fart out my arse too! In so many ways I prefer Win98se because it does what I want it to do. XP and Vista second guess too much and are too controling, Vista is a total twat for sucking sooooo much resource out the laptop, it's as though I upgraded my machine for the sake of the OS and gained fuck all performance benefit.

Computers eh? Here to make life easier or basically be electronic crystal meth, hook us up, draw us in and make us so dependent we'll pay companies and developers huge amounts for a half working pile of shit we need to patch constantly to keep it from being a total pile of shit until some PC component manufacturer wants us to have an upgrade on the kit too to keep the pile of shit running at a margionally increased speed....until the software developers suck that performance out with the next half working hog pile of shit.....rinse, repeat, bend over.

Woman sues Google after highway knockdown

WHY OH WHY

Was this one not cleansed from the gene pool?

Gone are the days when basic road safety ruled the decisions of the pedestrian, long forgotten are the warnings of the man walking ahead with the red flag. Since the introduction of shat-nav and Google maps do pedestrians now think they're invincible?

Personally I think the driver should be sued by the rest of us for not reversing and finishing what he/she started......!!!

Epic driving fail!!!!

Luxury brands welcome EU law to restrict online sales

I see dead businesses......

Here's an idea for a company that has a B&M store........

get validated by a luxury brand, agree a volume related discount against traders list prices, then wholesale to online only businesses for a small percent.....just enough to wet their beak at say 5-10%, then blast out units to meet the volume discount.

Voila, a middleman between the manufacturer selling direct to online businesses they don't want to supply.

Ka-ching.

Paris, because she's both exclusive and grubby at the same time

(just like a luxury brand and their 8 year old sweatshop workers)

Swedish pothead reports LSD-laced hash

I'd be too embarassed.......

....to go to the rozzers and complain about my stash!!

"Yes sir, how can be help you?"

"um, dood, I want this dope testing, it like totally made we throw a whitey..and I can chong big time...but I took a toke of this and the killer fog started freaking me out.....there's something wrong with this gear....... and" **SLAP**SLAP**SLAP**

"now leave before I arrest you for being stupid enough to bring that baggie in here and admitting you're such a lightweight....."

Asus goes wide with Bang & Olufsen laptop

Fail - you're not making yourself look either big or clever

Another one? Honestly now, have you actually seen or heard a B&O IRL? Say, a Beosystem 7000 running through a set of Penta speakers with CX100 and S120 speakers as surrounds? Obviously not!

And prey tell what system you're snuggling up to to make these 'knowledgable' statements of B&O performance? A flashy Aiwa? The top-of-the-line Matsui? A JVC half price in the sales? Nah, probably bought a Teac and become gods gift to stereo critics?

Please, pretty please say "Denon", I haven't sat in a pool of my own piss clutching my sides and laughing hysterically for a while now.....

Seriously?

I've always thought B&O look a bit bland and basic and not at all impressive, but the sound is second to none. The remote controls are so sturdy you could hammer nails in with them. When you but a B&O you're buying a well made quality piece of kit with superb materials. Sorry if you find the flashing lights on a Kenwood or Sony all impressive, more knobs and dials don't make a better stereo.....perhaps you should critique Tesco's new range instead of commenting on top end equipment for people who buy the best.

Aliens more likely to live on moons than planets, say boffins

The true meaning of life.........

Which moon does that green chick Kirk boned live on? She was hot, and pretty easy! We should be looking out for that moon, or at least spending some time in Newcastle if we can't find it. I, for one, would like to volunteer my services double bagging the female of whatever species after 8 beers and a kebab.

Mine's the one with the relentless anal probe in the pocket....might want to stand back a bit!

'Alienated' gamer sues WoW for ruining life

This gives me a cunning plan....

I've got this serious additction to t'internet pr0n, and I might have to start suing the pr0n industry for RSI, carpal tunnel and an arm that makes Arnie's look like a twiglet.

However... I might be prepared to settle out of court for a rasp on a few pr0n starlets who go for that wild monkey sex I've seen while typing this message.

Paris.....back in 5...

Prolific penis pill pushers fined almost $19m

where's the money going?

Firstly, did the pills actually work? I mean, if they did turn a tidler that gets lost in the palm into a donkey todger then let the man trade.....I'll have a box too please.

But on a more serious note... The governments involved are a bit two faced "it's terrible this leach is making money out of inncoent fools, so we've caught him and fined him"

Where's the money from the fine going? It's going to the governments involved...!!! That makes them an accessory to fraud in my book, they're profiting from an illegal operation, and it's even premeditated. "Lets catch them, take all the money, and tell everyone we're doing them a favour.....by the way, how's your cock?"

NASA plans robot rocket aeroplane to fly above Mars

You're welcome

That's 'you're', but why would anyone dream of whipping out a spelling lame a boffin? *ZING*

Seriously though, the flight time is pants. How's about this for a crazy idea....a balloon that can float around, maybe even with a propulsion system for steering. That's old school flying, and could go on for a very long time. But no, the rocket powered flyboys with their noisy, hypersonic, dick extensions wouldn't want to go for staying power when they can 'thrust, thrust, wham bam thank you martian ma'am.'.

Paris, because she know's about the whamming and the bamming.

OMG! US science quangocrats surf porn at work!

Once again, only half the story.

pRoN, at work, yadda yadda.....half the story!!!

What sites were they visiting, I mean, c'mon, share the smut with the taxpayer.

Paris, because, y'know, vids and stuff on sites.......

Inmate hacker locks down jail computers

Shawshank Redemption......

What happened to the good old days where if crims pulled this kind of behavior they'd be taken into a dark room, sat on a chair, and severely *ahem* rehabilitated *cough* with a phone book.

Perhaps if the 'guvnor wanted a knock off plasma from Fleabay instead.....

Pull the plug on Pandas, declares BBC man

Anyone want a pair of Pandas?

Does anyone want a pair of Giant Pandas, they're breeding like rabbits. I've had to drown 12 since Christmas.