* Posts by Stevie

7282 publicly visible posts • joined 12 Jun 2008

Drunk user blow-dried laptop after dog lifted its leg over the keyboard

Stevie

Re: Yeah, that happened.

Sorry, just enough, you are the one spouting rubbish. Hair dryers can easily muster the oomph to melt plastic.

Stevie

Re: Back in the day...

Dropped coffee in a brand new keyboard once. Ran it under the cold tap to the horror of all, then dismantled it and dried it with paper towel. The only sticky bit was the rubber sheet under the keycaps popped a couple of magnets and getting them back in place was tedious. Worked fine after for many years.

Why people think washing circuit boards is a terrible idea after they've been hosed in beverage is a mystery. Air drying is the mistake, as tap water is full of stuff that crystalizes out and can short tracks.

(You can't) buy one now! The flying car makes its perennial return

Stevie

Bah!

Before showing anyone a new airplane with its wings folded and claiming it as a flying car, the VC guys should make inventors watch 30 minutes of Russian dash-cam footage from YouBend.

If the inventor still has the nerve to trot out a picture of his/her concept, we might have a winner.

Hard-pressed Juicero boss defends $400 IoT juicer after squeezing $120m from investors

Stevie

Re: Increased damage to teeth from acids and sugar

No poblem! Simply use the Steviematic Matrix-Enabled Electric IoToothbrush!

Simply nip over to Stevietat.com (the Steviematic Matrix-Enabled Electric IoToothbrush is not available in stores) and simply click on the "BUY NOW!!!" button and your Steviematic Matrix-Enabled Electric IoToothbrush will be rushed to your door, along with ONE WHOLE MONTH's supply of IoToothpaste (a one hundred dollar value!)!

Then, after simply charging the Steviematic Matrix-Enabled Electric IoToothbrush for three hours and simply connecting it to your network via our easy-to-understand app for Windows (our eager tech support team are standing by to help you with this at the special introductory rate of eight dollars and thirty four cents a minute) you are ready to start fighting off the pernicious effects of your juicer.

Simply open the hopper door of your Steviematic Matrix-Enabled Electric IoToothbrush, and slip In a cartridge of IoToothpaste, press the red button and simply follow the directions on the included leaflet. It is often helpful to fully unfold this and to tape it to the bathroom wall before using your Steviematic Matrix-Enabled Electric IoToothbrush for the first time.

We here at Stevietat PLC are committed to giving you the best oral hygene that your money can buy.

For the first time ever, Verizon sheds subs: 300,000 punters walk out

Stevie

Bah!

The newly formed TriSuck Communications PLC will take the country by storm!

'We should have done better' – the feeble words of a CEO caught using real hospital IT in infosec product demos

Stevie

Bah!

You dimwitted, fuckfaced twat!

Sorry, I shouldn't have written that.

All fixed, eh?

Nuh-uh, Google, you WILL hand over emails stored on foreign servers, says US judge

Stevie

#1

No, the connotation is the same. You just didn't follow the reasoning through far enough.

"We are number one. All others are number two, or lower." The Sphinx

Trump's self-imposed cybersecurity deadline is up: What we got?

Stevie

Bah!

Oh, the British can laugh, but we here in the USA are living the dream first described in Yes, Prime Minister. Trump is our louder, more vulgar over-promoted twit Jim Hacker and masterfully undermining him and his ill-formed plans we have our Sir Humphrey Appleby in ... oh bugger.

Opportunity rover gets bored of spot it's explored since 2014

Stevie

Re: Obligatory xkcd reference

Forget XKCD, the obligatory reference is this one.

Zuckerberg's absolutely mental: Brain sensors that read YOUR MIND at 100 words a minute

Stevie

Bah!

Combining this tech warning with some other well-known statistics suggests that men using this UI should pause every six minutes in order to prevent the word "wank" inserting itself fifty or so times into the RFP or program code.

Mastercard launches card that replaces PIN with fingerprint sensor

Stevie

Bah!

But ... chip and pin is the world-saving Idea of the Century.

I heard it here, and one can't deny facts like that.

That many El Reg commentards couldn't just be blowing hot air.

Please don't call them Facebook chatbots, says Facebook's bot boss

Stevie

Re: Reboot Note

"Laaaaaaaaaaaame!"

'Nobody's got to use the internet,' argues idiot congressman in row over ISP privacy rules

Stevie

Bah!

Cheese for brains.

Australia scraps temporary visas for skilled workers

Stevie

Bah!

So the birth rate is outstripping job creation?

I foresee a new "Ban the Bonk" law in Australia's future.

Good job, everyone. We're making AI just as tediously racist and sexist as ourselves

Stevie

Bah!

So, to summarize:

Garbage In, Garbage Out.

'Tech troll' sues EFF to silence 'Stupid Patent of the Month' blog. Now the EFF sues back

Stevie

Bah!

There is prior art that goes back to the year Berners-Lee sat up, put down his teacup and said "hang on, I've had an idea".

The Unisys mainframe product that used to be called MAPPER and is now called I dunno what organizes OS2200 files and elements (not a unix-like system at all) into cabinets and drawers. Doesn't use a GUI because they weren't A Thing then.

Switch on your smartphone camera and look how fertile I am

Stevie

Re: Bah!

It was TW I saw with me own eyeballs.

Possibly a joke too good to use only once?

Stevie

Bah!

" but in today's bat-shit crazy world, satire is not always obvious. "

There was a Tomorrow's World gag show back in the late 70s in whch "dehydrated water pills" were demonstrated with a rather nice allotment-style tap-onna-wooden-stake prop.

The next week it was reported that they'd had enquiries from interested companies about licensing the tecnology.

Back to the Future 2: Gasp! America's trade watchdog discovers the risks of 'free' movies

Stevie

Bah!

Lamest search engine suggestion ever from El Reg.

Totally Safe For Work.

Sysadmin 'trashed old bosses' Oracle database with ticking logic bomb'

Stevie

Re: Picking up a hammer

If you take the hammer home first, then come back later then yes, you are guilty of theft of the hammer.

Boss swore by 'For Dummies' book about an OS his org didn't run

Stevie

Re: Teach Yourself Reading

In 1984 I was walking in the murky upper concourse of the 14th street A/C/E line subway in Manhattan and spotted a poster glued to a girder holding up the road above. It read: If you can't read, call 1-800-Whatever-The-Number-Was.

Swear by Cthulhu's Tentacle Beard. I think I was about to be mugged but my hysterical laughter frightened everyone into retreating back into the shadows.

Stevie

Re: * Get it over with and read it.

No thanks. I was brought up in the UK before it was unfashionable to admit we had a state religion.

Prayers in the morning every day, including the "extra" lines in the Lord's Prayer so we'd know we were English Protestants and not Roman Catholic or American Protestants.

And mandatory Religious Education once a week. The Haynes Manual was front and center.

And the play at Christmas. If only we'd been allowed to do an Ernie Wise on it.

And Easter concerts in the local church (including Mr Cooper melting down one time when someone sang "God Save Our Gracious Team" after the Scaffold made the line famous on Top of the Pops).

Nope. I don't need to read the Bible to keep Jehovah's Witnesses at bay, just like I don't need to read the Koran to "understand" Sharia Law enough to call it a bad idea. I just need to understand my own place in the Sun.

Drupal sci-fi sex scandal deepens: Now devs spank Dries over Gor bloke's banishment

Stevie

Bah!

Fake outrage over a thought crime.

How last century.

Burger King's 'OK Google' sad ad saga somehow gets worse

Stevie

Re: American phrase book

Wrong fast food chain. Do keep up old boy.

Software dev cuffed for 'nicking proprietary financial trading code'

Stevie

Bah!

So, to summarize:

Theif gets caught and whines about it.

Troll it your way: Burger King ad tries to hijack Google Home gadgets

Stevie

Re: I think the point is

Well said, GBE.

In point of fact without any fat most meat is tasteless. The most delicious burgers I ever had were from a place called Fudruckers, but I stopped eating them after a barbecue flare of epic proportions almost set fire to my house when I opened the lid. Turns out they are very high in fat, making them a no-no in my case. Mouth-wateringly tasty but say "fare-thee-well" to thine eyebrows if you barbecue them.

I found a BK where they make everything using very fresh veggies. I'll drive the five miles out of my way some nights for a quick and delicious evening meal (which is not a belly burster and is devoid of any fried components if you forgo the fries, soda and the "go large" ritual).

Stevie

Bah!

"Phew"? You were that worried that a commercial would activate your Internet of Tat thingy and make it talk about a cheeseburger for a bit?

Get a grip, man.

Apple wets its pants over Swatch ad tagline

Stevie

Re: How about

So Hitler bumps into Goebbels and Goebbels says "How zey hangink?" and Hitler says "Terrible. I keep dreamink I'm a clock. I vake up each mornink mutterink tick tick tick" and Goebbles screams NEVER MIND! VE HAFF VAYS OF MAKINK YOU TOCK!"

Sean Spicer should have opened with that one.

Stevie

Re: "gramatically incorrect phrase"

Thou art a most lewd and courtellous boolyrook sirah, and if thou dost not give the good men of The Register their just due I shall clapaclaw thy mazzard and cry hob for your wounds.

Stevie

Re: Daft thing is ...

I do, and I wear it on the side of my wrist so I can check it without tilting my wrist, moving my head or otherwise indicating that I'm finding what the boss says less than riveting. Also great when driving not to be taking qne hand off the wheel and rotating my head away from the road view. Yes our cars have clocks, but they are inaccurate and I don't need the aggravation of trying to figure out if the clock is telling me the time, the radio station or the last track the music-maker played.

I can also check my sideways watch in a cinema without blinding everyone sitting behind me like the phonetards do.

Prisoners built two PCs from parts, hid them in ceiling, connected to the state's network and did cybershenanigans

Stevie
Pint

Have a beer JetSetJim. Ooh, is that the new Doctor hailing a cab? [points, and as JetSetJim turns for a gander, drops palmed Alka-Seltzer tab into beer]. No. My mistake. Drink up!

Stevie

Yes, that was implied in the original post.

Why do the cleverati feel the need to spell everything out? Is it because they assume no-one else sees the joke, or is it OCD- driven behavior?

Nerd Klaxon: Barbican to host Science Fiction exhibition this summer

Stevie

Bah!

a) The Grand Old Man of British SF (Brian Aldiss) swears blind that Science Fiction starts with Mary Shelly writing Frankenstein. You'd need to read the first bit of The Billion/Trillion Year Spree to get the full argument.

2) For all the wifflewaffle about "exploring inner space" I see no mention of the film Seconds. So a star comes off Mr Skiffy Expert's cred.

Find a copy and watch to see why. Don't Wikispoil it for yourself.

Toshiba conglomerate: Can we keep going? We don't know

Stevie

Bah!

Sounds like Diembowel Self Honourably Dibbalah was at the helm.

Oracle reseller boss banned from directorship over VAT fiddle

Stevie

Bah!

Well that worked.

As you stare at the dead British Airways website, remember the hundreds of tech staff it laid off

Stevie

Bah!

Another story where the Reg printed "outage" and I read "outrage".

At least this time it sort of fit the mood.

FCC kills plan to allow phone calls on planes – good idea or terrible?

Stevie

Bah!

Have to say I agree about not having fucktards yelling witless nothingness into thier phones while on a flight.

But I rarely fly any more. Dimwit bread and circuses "security" procedures that do nothing to secure the plane and yesterday's elloquent lesson in what rights a passenger actually has have pushed me into taking the long way if possible and driving.

As many bags as I like, with whatever I care to put in 'em, shoes on as long as I want them on and decent food along the way.

Stevie

Re: 'Pity there is no way of blocking voice calls while allowing text messages to be sent.'

In NY it is illegal to interfere with a phone signal. I'm thinking that any cell tower that was shut down for a non tech or terrorism reason would be cause for lawyering up. No-one wins.

Eric S. Raymond says you probably fit one of eight tech archetypes

Stevie

Bah!

Where's the shouty, abusive one that has to be kept away from the users even at e-mail's length?

Or the one that hasn't figured out how to bathe?

Or the one who cannot fathom the hinge on the toilet seat?

Or the one that thinks people are fooled by his putting the coffee-pot back on the hotplate on a slant to "hide" the fact that he is dodging the "you take the last cup, you make a new pot" rule?

Sorry eh? Canadian mounties own up: Yes, we own 10 IMSI-catchers

Stevie

Bah!

Sneaky Mounties also clock you for speeding - from helicopters!

Are there no limits to their breaching of Standard Canadian Politeness, eh?

The beast is back: Reborn ekranoplan heads for the Arctic

Stevie

Re: Going round corners

Rudder. All aircraft have them.

Stevie

Bah!

Messerschmidt ( edit: could have been Dornier) were developing one about the size of a Beechcraft Baron in the early 80s. It was featured on Tomorrow's World, had reverse delta wings and was supposed to be a replacment for expensive helicopters for North Sea oil rigs. Never thought it was feasible and never saw it operational.

Russian Ekranoplans are apparently a very noisy, bumpy and expensive way to travel anyway. What they offer is speed. The rooskies used the Caspian Sea Monster as a high-speed personnel carrier.

About as stealthy in use as Concorde taking off over your head, I'm led to believe.

Revealed: Blueprints to Google's AI FPU aka the Tensor Processing Unit

Stevie

Bah!

Yesyesyesyes, quantizing the whoozit, gottit.

But the important question remains: whose engrams were used?

Put down your coffee and admire the sheer amount of data Windows 10 Creators Update will slurp from your PC

Stevie

Bah!

With all this Microslush on teh linez, how will there be bandwidth enough for warez installation?

Will no-one think of the small (Chechnyan) businessman?

Londoners will be trialling driverless cars in pedestrianised area

Stevie
Pint

Re: Saw it on the news today.

Heh, Playmobile. Good one.

Inwas thinking more Woody Allen's Sleeper, but I'll get you an e-pint in anyway.

Startup remotely 'bricks' grumpy bloke's IoT car garage door – then hits reverse gear

Stevie

Bah!

I'll be interested to see the stories of people who butt-dialed their garage while on holiday in Spain and came home to find it ransacked, looted and burned out.

Honestly, it's like the IoT lovers never had their phone's camera turn on in their pocket and drain the batteries before the evening' ents required the hailing of a cab.

Stevie

Re: Bah!

Yeah, the soft keypad on the train did for my eloquence again. Oh well.

Stevie

At some point The Cloud is always another person's cluster.

Stevie

Re: Why would you need to control your garage door

Why would you loan tools to your brother-in-law?

My chainsaw was never the same after Mistra Knowitall used it to cut one tree.

Stevie

Re: There's a reason some of us call this stuff IoS.

"That's two-factor.

Something you have (the TX) and something you know (the sequence)."

And the address of the house. Three factor.

Ooh! And where the hell you left your car keys. Four factor.