Posts by Moz

Harry Potter director takes on Doctor Who movie

Actually, they could call it "WHO?!" and make it as a musical.

(Grabs coat. Runs.)

Ten... all-in-one inkjet printers

HP Autocrop Fail

Please test scanning multi-pages - HP software is REALLY ANNOYING as you cannot turn it's damnable autocrop off, rendering it's scanner functionality pretty much useless.

Brits registering .uk domains mostly get first choice

I don't mind losing out to another web site owner, but when your domain of choice is owned by that "what you want when you want it" bastard domain squatter I really get annoyed.

Domains should be upped to £25+ to wreck those sorts of business models. They are too cheap at the moment.

Phone-hack backlash BBC in embarrassing headline gaffes

Speaking Cock

Speaking Cock?? Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, "At the third stroke..."

Paris, because... oh, it's cocks, isn't it?

Drunken bust-up woman sprays cops with breast milk

Steaming

"Some blokes would pay good money for that..."

Some people pay good money for a Cleveland Steamer, but if any one did it to me I'd be pretty hacked off, to say the least.

Completely down in the dumps, even.

Revealed: Secret security plan should Kate leave Wills at the altar

Bravo!

You've just out-mashed the Daily Mash. Funniest piece I've read in ages!

Calling all readers: Want some new icons?

Only one icon needed.

Goatse.

ISPs battle EU child pornography filter laws

re: "filtering reduces the risk of abuse by...

On the other hand, seeing how accidentally stumbling onto kiddie porn may leave cache files on your hard disk that could lead to a very long prison sentence, I'm actually rather for the blocking idea.

Mum arrested for seducing teen on Xbox Live

Tee-hee - they said 'nail her'.

"The hunt was hindered by Hicks hiding behind a false name and age, but federal authorities were eventually able to nail her."

Well if she was happy for a 13 year old to nail her, I doubt a bloke in uniform would encounter much resistance...

re: To those talking about rape →

You can only consent if you deemed to be old enough to consent. In many places, this is indeed classed as rape.

Facebook boobs over breastfeeding page... again

Under 13s?

"By way of response, Facebook issued a statement which read: "[...] to ensure Facebook remains a safe and trusted environment for everyone, including the many children (under the age of 13) who use the service."

Eh? I thought kids under 13 using Facebook were against the terms of service?

Gov gone wild: Mad new pub glasses, bread freedom introduced

Lying on a park bench?

"Australia ranks fourth in world rankings for beer consumption but scores much lower on per capita alcohol consumption, which tells you all you need to know about their beer. "

And British lager? Carling. That's all I need to say. Apart from pot,.kettle and black, of course.

Lock up your Crackberries

Who Cares About the Phone?

The company I work for does not give a toss about a cheap bit of hardware - they want to know that they can zap it should I report it lost. And they do not want the finder to know that it belonged to Mr XXX of XXXX Ltd, either, as that just helps identify the data source.

They don't want it back if lost/stolen - they just want it, and its data, to die.

Ball player gets Beaver ban after drunken naked tasering

Surely

"Naked Beaver Found With Rug" should have been the headline?

Paris because... oh, do I have to spell it out for you?

MOON SHRINKING FAST - shock NASA discovery

Good Sci FI Plot

Obviously this is caused by a future version of the Large Hadron Collider that was sited on the moon and created a runaway black hole that is eating its way through time and space. Obviously.

Croydon Advertiser blows lid on 'sinister' brothel

Who's Story?

Did The Gruniad cut-n-paste you, or the other way around?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/greenslade/2010/aug/18/northcliffe-media-prostitution

HP contractor 'surprised and saddened' by Hurd sacking

Never her intention?

"I was surprised and saddened that Mark lost his job over this,” she said. “That was never my intention.”

Translation: I just wanted the money.

Dell outsourcer lifts US woman's saucy pix from PC

Abject racism...

Abject racism by the newsreaders. Listen to the last 30 seconds of the report. Basically they are saying that this only happened because this idiot woman trusted some pesky foreigner. Coz Americans wouldn't have ripped this woman off, would they?

Google patents search that tracks your mouse moves

I suspect...

that the only people who hover their mouse over part of the page they read are the same people who have to run their finger over a book as they read, i.e. morons. Google have invented a moron tracking device.

Apple won't be pleased. Wasn't that the purpose of the iPhone?

NatWest sets lawyers on student site

Tell it like it is.

I'd take down the page and replace it with "NatWest are a bunch of c***s - avoid them like the plague. This site has no affiliation with NatWest and never will. Bastards." Then include a copy of their missive.

Wales joins supercomputer club

Initial step...

"Firstly there is the high performance computing (HPC) hardware, software, infrastructure and a distribution network."

No no. First is "bring electricity to Wales".

Where's the sheep icon?

Burger van busted offering free takeaway porn

Porn?

No porn here officer. Just a DVD with a few hamburger shots...

F*ck you, thunders disgruntled fanboi Apple user

Obvious, really.

"There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because..."

"the iParachute isn't released in the UK until next year".

Lindsay Lohan to pull off Linda Lovelace

"difficult stuff she went through and overcame"

I think she was overcame quite a lot...

Leonard Nimoy in 'no more Spock' shock

It's a little late, Leonard...

... if you are worried about being typecast.

Times websites want £1 a day from June

Rebekaaaaaagh

"Rebekah Brooks, chief executive at News International, said: “These new sites, and the apps that will enhance the experience, reflect the identity of our titles and deliver a terrific experience for readers ... "

Yeah, a bit like she delivered a "terrific experience" to Ross Kemp's head. And was arrested for it.

Loud sex ASBO breach woman spared jail

Footballers Wives

Surely asking a extra around for a good roasting would solve the problem? You can't scream if your throat's blocked...

Oz firm seeks talented IT developer

Heave-ho...

On the second ad, Neisha Webster seems to have gotten the heave-ho as well. She obviously didn't measure up to the job...

Volcanic African 'unzipping' could see continent divided

Oh, Bravo!

"Mighty cleft suddenly appears in 'mega dyke intrusion'"

You know - it's subheadings like this that make the Reg worth reading. Bravo that man!

Paris... well, it just has to be, doesn't it?

Doctor Who fans name best episode ever

Tsk.

No 'Girl in the Fireplace'?? No 'Seed of Doom'???

Tsk. That's all I can say. Tsk.

CRB checks can take years to complete

Easy Solution

If the CRB had to pick up the tab for the person's salary for all time over the 28 days then either the will move a lot more quickly or, even better, the whole dodgy business would come crashing down.

Tasered Oz man bursts into flames

Petrol Sniffing...

... is a huge health problem in Aboriginal communities, even to the point where BP developed a new type of petrol, Opal, to combat the problem. It has a similar effect as glue-sniffing, but has major long-term problems like brain damage.

Alcohol and non-Opal fuel is banned in most of the aboriginal communities in WA and NT.

Ryanair agrees website clarifications with OFT

Currency Exchange Scam

Don't forget the Ryanair currency exchange scam. Buy a ticket from Europe to UK and it's all quoted in Euros. Stick your (UK) credit card number in and it charges you in pounds at an appalling exchange rate. Can you turn this off? Can you f...

This is entirely against Visa's rules on Dynamic Currency Exchange, but do they do anything to enforce this rule? Do they f...

Paris Airshow kicks off

Paris? Airshow?

And there was me thinking this was going to be about our favourite heiress and a bungee cord...

GPS-guided wreckers flatten wrong house

Drawers in ya drawers.

Wordplay: "If y'all call a hutch a dresser, what do you call that thing with drawers that hold your underwear?"

Erm... the missus...? (badum-tish)

Google slips Reg reader £500k!!!!!

I can beat that...

Google are cheapskates. I've just been awarded £1M quid from the "Barclays Premier League Grant programme". And my name isn't even Sven Goran Ericsson!

Wisely, they inform me that I should "take time and thought in investing the funds wisely on a project that will stand the test of time."

Any suggestions?

Holy f**k, Microsoft covers up ‘undesired’ words

Living in the [bleep]tree

Reminds me of a story from the Aussie parliament. One of the MPs from the bush was making a speech...

MP: I am a country member...

Opposition: Yeah. We remember...

Boffins conclude machines still not quite people

www.itosspot.com

"Dr Warwick is an enthusiast when it comes to the rise of the machine. His personal website – I, Cyborg – explains in detail how he became the world’s first Cyborg, when he agreed to have a silicon chip transponder implanted in his forearm."

Let me guess - the 'I, Tosspot' domain was already taken?

Pirate Bay evades Italian blockade

Labaia.org?

Is this a none-too-subtle attempt to call the Italian authorities a bunch of c%&ts??

Paris because... oh, keep up, will you...

UK ISPs agree to menace their filesharing users

"Ditch the Snitch Six"

... sounds like a damn good name for the upcoming backlash campaign.

Croydon devil dog execution: Exclusive photo

Definitely Croydon.

Your right, David Evans. That's definitely the Whitgift Centre. Looks a bit cleaner than usual.

While Optimus Prime is in the area, can he pop in and sort out BB's Alex?? "'Memba I told ya..." BOOM... Two rabid dogs in one week.

NY street-cleaning truck swallows dog

I'm sorry....

I laughed at this. Am I a bad person??

Tories would have to compensate ID vendors

Money is a small price to pay...

for freedom.

Lesbians turn on lesbians in battle of Lesbos

Eh?

How can you have a Gay and Lesbian Union? Doesn't that make the whole lot heterosexual?

Prank callers crash Dublin Zoo phone system

Missing a Revenue Stream

Change the switchboard number to an 0870 number (well, the RoI equivalent) and they'd be quids (well, euros) in.