* Posts by Stuart

29 publicly visible posts • joined 21 Apr 2008

Steve Jobs takes medical leave from Apple to focus on health

Jobs Halo

Breaking news from el reg

Hope he feels better soon.

PS Reg, GJ on keeping the community up-to-date.

Apple to push Nokia into smartphone second place


Good news everyone...

... high competition means progress. Now Nokia must really fight for their market share, like in the late 90's. The more competition the better, can you imagine the innovation this new competition will bring?

Apple iTunes Store goes '100% DRM-free' - allegedly



Yeah, I bet that scared the shit out of iTunes. High bight rate and DRM free, then all of a sudden iTunes follows. Nice to see competition breeding a better service, so rare these days.

Pranksters infiltrate live Macworld feed


@ Chris Hatfield

Not that funny;


I am sure public figures expect this stuff, but I bet it shakes them. Hope he feels better soon.

Hutton robs forces, pours MoD cash into UK arms biz

Black Helicopters

Unit Cost

For shame, was the "research" on the unit cost of the blackhawk done from wikipedia?


RAF in plot against Fleet Air Arm again

Black Helicopters

Wait for it...

"...buy the RAF some more Chinooks..."

Do you get RSI from pressing the C, H, I, N, O and K keys in the same combination for every article? If they are that abundant go and buy your-self five of them and impress minor celebrities down the pub with your arial tomfoolery.

Black helicopter, well just because.

Lord Ahmed faces dangerous driving charge


Day or night?

The exact time of day makes a big difference. A red car in clear conditions in the middle of the day and it will be difficult to get out of. Night time, parked at an angle shielding reflective light surfaces and you will be lucky if you spot it in time.

Maybe he thought he was doing the responsible thing, obviously not a good idea, but I know I would try and call someone to warn them that I had left my car in the fast lane of the M1.

Who's got more cash? Apple or Microsoft?


One day...

M$ always emulate Apple ideas about 2.5 years after dev, it would be interesting if Apple ever come out with a significant feature, that is user driven and very difficult to run on a Windows platform.

Of course I don't know what would fit the bill, but I would love to know if M$ have sleepless nights about the day they can no longer photocopy?

I'll take the coat that hasn't been done to death.

High-speed train toilet attempts to eat Frenchman

Jobs Halo

Must have been...

...an iPhone. What other mobile device would you take on the metallic legion of doom for.

Google Willy Wonkas park fighter jet on NASA

Black Helicopters

The answer is simple...

... at a difficult press conference;

[Google exec] Today all you questions will be answered by our new press office (Press officer ALPA) via VIOP.

[Press] How do you feel about the current media representation in of Google's affairs in China?

[Press Officer ALPA] *static noise* This is POA, commencing run. *static noise*

[Press] Can I gather from that comment Google is on the run from these allegations? *nervous laughter*

[Press Officer ALPA] Target acquired... air speed 400 knots... BLU AWAY, BANK ROLL!

[Press]? *static noise*

Apple takes wraps off rumour-matching MacBook Pros

Jobs Halo


... the wintards of Dell and Toshiba have one hell of a yard stick to measure themselves against now! Going to be hard to top that.

US woman shot by cast iron stove


I for one...

... welcome our new iron clad, ammo pumping overlords.

May death come swiftly to their enemies!

Secret Windows 7 screens leaked?



... they couldn't make a break from Aero. Its ok, but just reminds you of the pain of vista, nice clean break would do them good.

Mines the overly transparent reflective mac.

MoD announces 'Grand Challenge' tech-prize winner

Black Helicopters

Standard defence tech story form [Replace with funny title]

Well the UK have just spent [insert amount] on [specify tech]. The USA version of [specify tech] is better than the BAE system of [specify tech] and comes in grey. In summary [specify tech] could have got the hard working school-drop-out front-liners X amount of Chinooks [where x = y (y = ∑ spent on [specify tech]) / 10,300,000)]. Then we could really do Viet- ahem, Afghanistan in style!

If only they would think of the children!

Analysts slam iPhone security and battery life

Paris Hilton

Physiological Problems

Yes many of you are correct. Lack of cut & paste is abject madness and why the hell haven't they put file vault in the OS + better Cisco VPN backwards compatibility.

But seriously have you tried one? I had the most advanced HP PDA and it seems like a joke next to the iPhone. If they can fix the above your IT staff better get used to them as their bread and butter.

Paris, because she knows when the winds of change are blowing.

MS products just too cool to comprehend, say MS geeks

Gates Horns

@ Stephen

"In a year and a half, I’ve rebooted (as opposed to sleep or hibernate) twice"

So you haven't installed any security updates other than SP1, good luck with that one!

Ballmer upset by Apple cart

Gates Horns

Ha ha haa haaa haa, lol

My god, Ballmer has acknowledged Apple is doing well, that must mean he is really screwed. M$'s idea of a rival to the iPod was the Zune and their idea of a rival to 10.5 is vista.

Not long now until Ballmer gets committed " WOOO YEAH, WOO I FU*KING LOVE THIS PADDED CELL! WHO SAID SIT DOWN?!?!?"

PS where is the screaming Ballmer icon?

South African survives exploding fridge attack

Jobs Halo


"I bet it was running Windows for Refrigerators"

I made the switch too, but got an iFridge. I can't get as many different meals as your open source fridge, but each one looks fantastic. It never explodes and is 10 times whiter* and shiner than the average fridge.

* Also available in black.

Clay minerals point to vast Martian lakes


Magnetic field

I think the lack of magnetic layer surrounding Mars is part of the problem. A wind made of charged particles very gently blows away atoms of water in the atmosphere (and also the atmosphere it's self). Gravity is an incredibly weak force and over a massive period of time the charged particle wind has slowly removed the water and most of the atmosphere. It doesn't happen to Earth because magnetic shells deflect the charged particle wind around the Earth.

DARPA calls for 'DUDE' combo infra-nightscope

Thumb Up

Press Black Out

"When you're a man in black aboard a black helicopter doing black ops using black funds against the black hats, different kinds of black lighting are merely shades of grey."


Teens use technology to party in strangers' pools



You got to give them a degree of respect. I mean, using arial photography to mount cunning raids on commodities you wish to annex for your personal benefit? Sounds more like the actions of team america world police , rather than "Yob culture".

Glastonbury Festival forecast: very windy, hopes Orange


Blah blah blah... back in my day

seriously your doing the festival equivalent of Monty Python's Four Yorkshiremen. "When I went to Glastonbury we partied for 3 hours before we got up..."

The super fence was the best thing they did for the festival, crime is practically non existent now in Glastonbury. I'm guessing you're slamming the acts because your tastes are a bit dated, that is fine, most people's tastes get dated as they age.

Glastonbury commercialised? Welcome to the f*cking current era, where people get brand names as tattoos and wars are sponsored by Haliburton.

NY street-cleaning truck swallows dog


HYS comments...

The comments on the NY Daily news article are awesome, even better then the BBC HYS!

"good for him jesus wanted him so jesus take him."

This guy should go into grief counselling.

HP's VoodooPC challenges MacBook Air on thinness

Gates Horns

and there it is...

... the kick in the nakkers at the end "running windows vista".

Apple's 3G iPhone to launch 11 July

Jobs Halo

The second coming.

Apple be praised... all hail the second coming of the iPhone and the salvation of all the heretics who indulge in the sins of other mobile phones.

Daily Mail cites video game as proof of terrorist doomsday plot


Tigers threaten world food stocks

So how long before the Daily Mail read the "The Tiger Who Came to Tea" (ISBN 0006640613) and consider it an accurate depiction on how immigrants will threaten national food stocks. Reporting on inaccuracies in the Daily Mail is akin to reporting on water content in the Atlantic Ocean.

SpaceShipOne firm to build Stealth Bomber 4.0?

Paris Hilton

@ Chris

"Sounds like a RoTM..."

I for one welcome our new all seeing undetectable super sonic overlords. May death come swiftly to their enemies.

Paris. Because her radar cross section is even lower than her IQ.

Blu-ray-for-Xbox 360 rumours restoked


RE: Why has it taken this long?

"obvioulsy PS3 owners also have a fantastic ..."

Obviously that's why GTA 4 looks so good and low def on a PS3!


Ballmer bitch slaps Vista

Paris Hilton

RE: mac users bugger off

"why won't people accept that the fact that windows works at all is a miracle"

yes... yes it is. Laughed for 10 minutes over that one.

Paris, because she is the only product that can average a lower up time than a dell running vista.