* Posts by Mike Smith

432 publicly visible posts • joined 12 Apr 2007

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Rubbish UK management crushing creativity

Mike Smith
Pirate

Oh, how true

Having worked in manufacturing (before they shut all t'factories), I think the problem's far worse in IT, in that it's easier to bullshit your way through by hiding behind jargon.

Now, you can't do that with techies - I defy any Reg reader to be unable to spot the fundamental truths behind the BOFH - but if you're a wet-behind-the-ears MBA graduate with oodles of over-confidence and attitude then it's just a case of using more techie jargon than the rest of your management peer group and making prettier reports and slides. There aren't that many manager types who will admit they don't know what they're talking about. Those few that do often command more respect from their techies, as they'll admit they don't know and will try to understand.

The professional manager - someone who knows all about management and fuck all about the organisation's products - is the biggest blight on the Western world. Come the revolution, comrades, there will be a lamp post for each one. But until then, things will continue to get done in spite of, rather than because of, our inglorious "leaders" [sic].

Note to management - the next time you're moaning at your team for going off into a huddle or not telling you every detail of their lives, be aware that more often than not they're sorting things out, solving problems and planning the work - doing your job, in other words.

Microsoft accuses kids of bullying Santa into sex chat

Mike Smith
Coat

Pizza

Probably just my gross imagination, caused by reading too many of Lester's stories, but maybe "pizza" (as in"pavement pizza") might be slang for vomitophilia? The new kink for folks tired of snowballing.

Eeeurgh, whichever way you look at it (and TBH I'd rather not!)

Bike bonk bloke cops three years' probation

Mike Smith
Flame

Am I the only one who thinks this is completely OTT?

So let's see... this chap was in a hotel room behind a locked door using his bike for a wank. What's the big deal? He wasn't doing it in public. Granted, he should have told the cleaners to bog off, but this is way too harsh. If he'd been on the short strokes he might not have heard them.

What if he'd been using a blow-up doll? Or one of those things that (so I'm told) you can stick on your todger, switch on and lie back to enjoy. Ah, the appliance of science. Would he have received a lesser sentence, given that he'd have been using something for what it was designed for?

The glaikit wee tube who handed doon this sentence needs a nod in the napper. Fae the first time in ma life, ah'm a wee bit embarrassed tae hail fae Scotland.

Freedom of speech 'safe' as Europe tackles the terror web

Mike Smith
IT Angle

@Graham Marsden

No, of course it isn't. It's impossible to educate the technically clueless overnight. And in some cases, it's impossible to do it at all.

What IS possible is to write to your MP and MEP, pointing out the difference between a genuine threat and tabloid scaremongering, show the track record governments have in legislating against non-existent dangers, and warn them of the effects of heavy-handed legislation. How that last point is put depends on who you're writing to - civil liberties objections would have more effect on a Liberal Democrat than either of the other parties.

If you were writing to a member the Labour Partei, you'd point out the risk of increased unpopularity and slippage in the polls. If you were writing to Tory Blair's lot, you could pitch it that opposing repressive legislation would widen the gap between them and Labour.

I'm drafting letters right now. If enough people did that, there's a chance that politicians would think again, or at least face heavy opposition in both the UK and European parliaments. May work, may not, but one thing's for sure - we can't influence politicians by just crying into our beer.

Mike Smith
Black Helicopters

Chill, people. These things go in cycles

Now then laddies and lassies... when eyewis a wee bairn and it were aw green screens round here, the meeja and ignorant unthinking politicians were getting in a big stew about "video nasties." You know, the flicks like I Spit On Your Grave and The Evil Dead. The UK government even banned a few of them. And that eventually died down, to be replaced by the Big Evil Bulletin Boards.

No, not the ad-ridden gaudy webshites that you see these days. These were REAL Bulletin Boards. You used a "modem" to "dial into" them and you could "download" BOMB-MAKING INSTRUCTIONS! Shock horror! Think Of The Children! Worse, you could download NAZI PROPAGANDA! Shock Horror!! Remember the Holocaust! Our parents died in two world wars to free the country from evil tyranny, etc. And after than came PORN!!! Think Of The Children!!! Do You Know What Your Children Are Doing On That Computer?

<RealityCheck>You could find things like the Jolly Roger Cookbook, which contained little more than a few ideas nicked from high school chemistry lessons (the author was an American, so he didn't go to secondary school) plus some ideas on credit card fraud and sabotaging telephone systems that were probably dreamed up as an alternative to self-abuse in the school toilets. You could occasionally find a few text files eulogising the Nazis, but you'd find more extreme material in your local library. As for porn - grainy scans from jazz mags and crudely retouched pics of Gillian Anderson to make her appear topless was about as far as it generally went. Yes, there were exceptions, but they weren't all that common.</RealityCheck>

So the government's solution? License them. That idea sank eventually, as it dawned on someone that you couldn't tell a BBS from a fax machine and also as the Internet grew in popularity, modem users ceased to be a threatening minority.

So now we're back on a new fear. Terrorism. It would't be such a big deal if it weren't for President Retard blowing it up (sorry. Mine's the biker jacket, thanks) out of all proportion. We managed to contain the IRA and the loyalists without needing draconian legislation.

Give it time. Once people realise that this is just anothe episode of FUD that preys on the minds of the technically clueless, the gutter press will find something else to scare people shitless with.

For my part, if I were going to use electronic communication for running a terrorist network, I'd probably go back to the BBS system. Very difficult to snoop on it if the sysop uses high security.

Prince stomps on unofficial websites

Mike Smith
Flame

It's unfortunate for them...

.. that they're fans of such an ungrateful little spunk bubble.

He doesn't deserve the free publicity they're giving him. It would be poetic justice if he sank without trace after shitting on his fans like that.

Fans beseige Shilpa Shetty's mobe

Mike Smith
Stop

Re: Oi, Lester

> For uttering the word 'mobe' the

> punishment is akin to stoning.

I propose an alternative. Mr Haines' staff phone be changed to an iPhone, and he be made to write on article a week eulogising it.

BOFH: Budget cuts

Mike Smith
Heart

Resurrecting Blackadder

>Then I thought that a new modern day

>blackadder series based on the

>BOFH would be bloody great.

>Does anyone else think this is a >good idea ?

Nope - I think it's a bloody BRILLIANT idea. Wish I'd thought of it (seriously). Simon - you really should look into this. You've got all the characters ready made. Straight from Blackadder Goes Forth:

BOFH - Blackadder

PFY - Adrian Edmondson

The Boss - Hugh Laurie

CEO - Stephen Fry

Head Beancounter - Tim McInnerny.

Just need to find a place for Tony Robinson's Baldrick.

Give it some thought, Simon. we already have The IT Crowd, but a BOFH series would just blow it away like the feeble tripe it is.

Mike Smith
Pirate

Selling Out

It must be part of some master plan. As any fule kno, the first rule of dealing with budget cuts is to make the cutter suffer.

Head beancounter's nifty little desktop colour laser conked out (due to someone trying to use it to print on sandpaper)? Well, we've no maintenance budget, so we can't fix it, but here's a nice reliable old daisywheel printer you can use. Yes, best put it on the floor so the table won't disintegrate after a week. There should still be a bit of life in the ribbon. Afraid we can't buy any you new ones because we've no budget for consumables, sorry. Ah, no, we don't have any acoustic hoods. Had to dispose of them - no budget for storage, you see.

Head beancounter's laptop died due to an interface overload between the hard disk and a rubber mallet? No, it's not under maintenance. Budget cuts, I'm afraid. We'll have to send it away (to somewhere in Patagonia for a few months) but there is this old 486 laptop. Runs Windows 95 OK-ish, but go easy on the number of spreadsheets you open. One at a time, otherwise it'll hang. Just get one of your staff to save everything you need in Office 97 format. No, we've no spare monitors - no spares budget, sorry.

Head beancounter's nifty desktop phone died due to someone confusing the data lines with the mains? No problem, here's a replacement. It's a classic! Retro candlestick designs are for followers, but a real candlestick phone is for leaders. Yes, I know about all the features your old one had, but we've no budget for replacements.

Head beancounter's lost his mobile? Well, there is this one we bought back in 1986. Bit heavy, but you should still get a good half-hour from the battery.

The beancounters have lost their financials database (shouldn't really have typed COMMIT after doing a DROP USER but it's been a busy day running an IT department on no budget). No problem, we'll get the restore under way right now.... ah. Problem. The tape's got a few read errors. Of course they're three years old! We've no budget to buy new ones! Well, I'm sorry about that and of course I appreciate it's landed the company in trouble, but I don't hold the purse strings.

Not that I've ever done anything like that, you understand. Certainly not.

Prince's anti-YouTube crusade halted by American mommy

Mike Smith
Pirate

A word of advice...

... to anyone thinking of jumping on the Web 2.0 bandwagon.

Wherever you decide to base your operations, make sure it's outside the grasp of the Ass.es of America, and ideally outside the reach of the BPI too.

After all, this interweb hypeway thingummy covers the globe. Why base yourself in Festung Amerika when that country only contains 7% of the world's population?

Oz barmaid fined for crushing beer cans between jubs

Mike Smith
Paris Hilton

So does that mean...

... that we can have "Australian can crushers" as an alternative to Bulgarian airbags?

Darling won't move over gains tax

Mike Smith
Flame

Nice one, Sick Boy*

Stop being so negative, folks! Our beloved Chancellor has just given the black economy a massive boost!

Oh, and here's the bill for the consultancy services. No, sorry, we don't take cheques. Cash only in used notes please, nothing bigger than a tenner. Thanks. Pleasure doing business with you.

* As in Trainspotting, although some folks may have other interpretations.

L1NUX number plate roars onto eBay

Mike Smith
Pirate

@To Be Expected

I've never seen the sense in personalised numberplates either. Unless we're talking about RA55 MAN (say it out loud in a West Indian accent).

Doesn't seem to be for sale though :-(

US demands air passengers ask its permission to fly

Mike Smith
Boffin

@NickH - you wanna argue history, get your facts right

"The last time we left you to yourselves, you invented hitler."

Get this through your thick head, sunshine. If it hadn't been for US "help" at the end of the First World War, it's unlikely that Hitler would ever have become more than a struggling artist and wannabe politician.

The big mistake Clemenceau and Lloyd George made was to agree to the implementation of Woodrow Wilson's Fourteen Points. Irrespective of the right and wrongs of the situation, the Hapsburg Empire was a sizeable check against Germany. Breaking it up, and dividing Germany, resulted in a lot of small states, based around ethnic majorities, that had next to no established political systems or armed forces and were not particularly well suited to independent survival. Czechoslovakia, Austria, Romania and Poland all contained sizeable German minorities - enough to give some justification to Hitler's foreign policies and let him gather some foreign support. He had more justification, I might add, than your government had for invading Iraq.

That's without the Washington Naval Treaty. Your government explicitly threatened a transatlantic arms race. Britain had a world-wide empire and needed a large navy. You didn't. League of Nations? Yeah, only as long as the US was the big bully boy. If the US had been told to get lost at Versailles, WW2 might have been avoided.

And when the chips were down, after 1929, you fucked off into isolationism, just when things were ripe for extremism to flourish in Europe. People in Germany were scared of a repeat of the 1920s inflation. Enough of them voted for the Nazis that the most democratic decision President Hindenburg could do was to appoint Hitler Chancellor.

The rest, as they say, is history.

That's why we need the EU, and for it to be strong enough to shake the US government warmly by the throat if need be. Europe has suffered enough from America's selfish attitude and ignorant idealism.

El Reg deploys (extra) comment icons

Mike Smith
Joke

Missed a couple

I think we need two more, exclusively reserved for Lester's stories:

1. Big foaming tankard of beer, meaning, "I'm getting the next round because I love it AND it's got a Paris Hilton angle AND a joke, AND it's written in pukka British lingo.

2. Girly looking glass, meaning "You used a banned word, like m*be or l*ppy. Get the next round in. Mine's a pint. Yours is a Babycham. Which you will drink in front of your mates at the bar. Let that be a lesson to you!"

Rebranding earthquake shakes seismic tech outfit

Mike Smith
Gates Horns

@Boldman: you couldn't be more wrong.

There is a certain type of person, normally educated a long way beyond their intelligence, who actually believes that crap. They are truly scary people, particularly as they tend to rise to the top (like floaters in a lavatory pan) and

are genuinely incapable of comprehending that the emperor is wandering about starkers.

3,000 chickens paralyse central Scotland

Mike Smith
Coat

Sorry, I gotta ask...

...so did any of the chickens cross the road?

extern taxi(coat);

Mike Smith
Dead Vulture

Banned word alert; go to the bar and drink a Babycham, do not pass Go

> suspicions that YouTubers may be

> about to enjoy shaky mobe-captured

> footage of the chicken carnage.

WHAT-captured??

Lesterrrrrrr!!

BOFH: Skip diplomacy

Mike Smith
Paris Hilton

Rang a bell!

That took me back to the collapse of the Accident Group.

Remember them? The "where there's blame, there's a claim" crowd. Aye, and where's there was a claim there was a thieving gitbag looting his company while crying poverty to avoid paying our National Insurance contributions.

When the crash came, the IT department was looted in a manner that made the US entry into Baghdad look like a couple of kids nicking sweets from the corner shop. Laptops, mobile phones, desktops, flat screen monitors, you name it. It all went. In about twenty minutes. Security stood sternly at the front desk, clipboards poised, ready to nab any tea leaves, while the loading bay saw a steady exodus of soon-to-be ex-staff all carrying bulging swag bags.

We had a pretty fair library as well. Just before we were finally kicked out of the building, I had a scout round. Apart from the usual suspects - One Minute Manager and the like - guess what remained on the shelves? Yup, loads of ITIL material. No-one even wanted to use it as ammo to throw at the directors.

Hackers hit back at iPhone update

Mike Smith

@censored

> Where is the EU in punishing Apple

Feeling insincerely sorry for fanboiz, I would guess. As the thing isn't officially for sale here until November, Apple haven't broken any EU laws.

OTOH, when they do, I hope someone takes them to the cleaners. There would be a certain irony in us goddam foreign Yurrupeens having more freedom than Apple's home country :-)

Brazilian physicists boycott Dell

Mike Smith

Wassenaar Arangment

> One major component that cannot be exported is Microsoft Windows.

> The encryption technologies it contains are classed as munitions.

Presumably that's because it's full of logic bombs?

#include <coat.h>

Chinese couple give birth to @ symbol

Mike Smith

Tell me

What sort of tw@ would give their child a name like th@?

Germany enacts 'anti-hacker' law

Mike Smith

Farewell to German performance testing then...

.. as any self-respecting load test tool can be configured to make a website collapse in a heap in very short order. That's one of the things they're designed to do.

Hm, potentially no performance testing in Germany from now on. Wonder if Microsoft... oy, behave yourself young man.

Google to rescue Linux from Microsoft lawyers

Mike Smith

Title

"Microsoft general counsel Brad Smith and licensing chief Horacio Gutierrez, who recently told Fortune that Redmond plans to use 235 of its OS patents to collect royalties from Linux users and distributors alike."

Attitudes like that make piracy less of a temptation and more of a moral obligation. Sooner, rather than later, the rest of the world's IT industry is going to tell the US exactly where they can shove their stupid patent system.

Teachers vote to ban internet

Mike Smith

You! Yes, you behind the bike sheds! Stand still, laddie!

"Funnily enough, every motion the Professional Association of Teachers debated was carried. Perhaps they should open a branch in China."

Not funny, boy. Come here and bend over <whack whack whack>

Stop snivelling. Go and sit down. And while you're reflecting on the error of your ways, write out 500 times, "I must not cast unfounded aspersions against the education system".

I'll have respect from you boy, by God I will.

Can Osama keep Bush afloat?

Mike Smith

@Night-hunter

“Point 3- The news media in Iraq has no clue since they can't manage to get out of Baghdad to actually see the country and report on what is happening.”

And you presumably can? Otherwise how do you know this?

“Point 4: While there is a vocal minority in the US against anything Bush, AND the Democrats have resented both his original election and his re-election, AND the News Media prefers to print stories that support their own bias, NOT the true news or the opinions of those that DON'T agree with them, “

How do you know what the “true news” is, unless you have access to the same sources the news agencies have and are able to spot selectivity and bias? Or do you have some other source of the ultimate truth?

"Bush's policies have so far prevented continued terrorist attacks in the US, strengthened the US economy, and is rebuilding the economy in Iraq, to the great satisfaction of the majority of the Iraqi population."

Did you miss the point Thomas made about bin bag laughing his head off because Dubya was doing the rest of the job for him? I’d go further – it’s a fair bet he knew that the US government would react to 9/11 attacks in exactly the way they did. That one act of terrorism has done more to destroy America than anything else since the 1812 war, and the sad thing is that many of your countrymen are too blind to see it. Bin Laden may be an evil scumbag and he hates the West, but he’s far from stupid.

And you could do with wising up on how terrorism and guerilla warfare works. Turn that stupid Hollywood film OFF and read up (from academic studies, not wikipedia) about how weaker forces can pin down stronger ones. At its peak, the Provisional IRA had a active strength of less than 1% of the British army but they effectively tied up a lot of troops in policing Northern Ireland. Baader-Meinhof was a tiny group, but West Germany had to spend a disproportionately huge amount of effort in tracking them down. Same with the Mau-Mau. EOKA. Eta. Black September. The resistance in occupied Europe during WW2. And the Vietcong for that matter.

"Point 5: Th majority of US citizens couldn't possibly care less about the opinions of the English, the other Europeans, nor the rest of the world."

Well maybe you should start doing so, old son. You see, we’re not all jealous of America, which is what you tend to think when we criticise – rather, we’re becoming increasingly concerned at what looks like the emergence of a bullying Fascist state where once there really was a beacon of freedom.

And us backward spineless Europeans have a damn sight more experience in dealing with terrorism than you do. We also know what war is really like – that’s why these days we don’t go in with all guns blazing as soon as we feel we’ve been slighted.

As things stand at present, al Quaeda doesn’t need to do anything to America until after Bush’s presidency comes to an end and the current climate of fear starts to subside (assuming it does). Once that happens, you can expect another attack. It’ll be the same as 9/11 – a quick vicious strike and then wait for the hysteria.

And it’s the destruction caused to American society by the fallout from that hysteria that is al Quaeda’s real aim.

UK gov rejects Cliff Richard's copyright extension

Mike Smith

My heart bleeds

Daltrey foretold penury for wrinkly rockers, saying they had "no pensions and rely on royalties".

Well Roger, if you've pissed so much of your earnings up against the wall that you now need the royalties from 43-year-old recordings to keep yourself from starving in your old age, you've only got yourself to blame.

Tough luck, gramps.

MEP plans EU build ban on cars faster than 100mph

Mike Smith

@If it moves, ban it

"Though I can't help feeling that this eagerness to ban everything that causes him offence doesn't exactly sit well with Mr Davies' self-professed credentials as one who is "liberal" and "democratic", but perhaps I'm just missing something obvious"

Indeed you are. Remember that in politics, titles have the opposite meaning to that in everyday speech. For example:

People's Republic = oligarchical dictatorship

Democratic Republic = Marxist dictatorship

Republican party = fascist dictatorship

Labour party = party for pandering to the haves

Conservative party = change, change and change again, every time there's an R in the month

You get this idea. So Liberal Democrat = authoritarian killjoy. It's for your own good, citizen.

Remember, you read it here first :-)

From 1981: the World's first UMPC

Mike Smith

That was the first computer I used at work

Ah, what a loverly blast from the past. Back in 1984, we used an HX-20 to monitor gas concentrations in test rigs, and alter the flow as needed.

The gas valves were opened and closed using a fearsome looking contraption built by Development and plugged into the serial port.

As the 'umble spotty grunt in charge of the test rigs, I felt dead sophisticated punching numbers into a computer instead of having to get up and turn a valve.

And yep, the software was all written in-house. Version 2.0 was supposed to include enough intelligence to let you key in the gas concentration you wanted, and the computer would set the valves accordingly. However, I moved on before it appeared.

Thanks for the memories. Happy days :-)

Click fraudsters flick industry the finger

Mike Smith

It won't hurt all advertisers

"Doesn't it occur to you anti-advert zealots that without advertising revenue websites like El Reg wouldn't be able to employ journalists to provide the 'free' content you come here to read? Dave"

It did, but bear in mind that the only people to be badly hit would be those who depend on pay-per-click revenue. I doubt if that includes the likes of Cisco, Microsoft, IBM or HP, who advertise heavily on The Register. (Anyone from El Reg care to confirm?)

Pay per click ads are the most tiresome and irritating of the lot, as they use such aggressive tactics to get you to click on them. They're the online equivalent of door-to-door double-glazing salesmen. The Big Issue sellers of the information superhighway. Scum of the bloody earth.

Advertising has its place, no doubt about that. But right in the user's face is not it.

Mike Smith

What a brilliant idea!

Sounds like click fraud should be encouraged. Anything that hurts people who pester us with ads should be encouraged.

Now where did I leave that LoadRunner licence...

Trading Standards officers become copyright enforcers

Mike Smith

I can just see it now

Scene: a primary school somewhere in rural England. There's a smell of new-mown hay filtering in through the open windows and the children's voices echo across the playground as they enjoy themselves in the warm sunshine.

Inside, a young teacher copies some sheets for the next lesson.

When all of a sudden, there's a screeching of tyres and a white van comes racing into the playground, scattering the terrified children. Half a dozen burly mouth-breathing Trading Standards officers charge into the building and throw the teacher to the floor.

"Hold it right there bitch! Lady, you is in such deep shit that you gonna drown! That goddam worksheet is copyrighted, muthafucka!"

And after a damn good Tasering and a dose of CS gas, the miscreant is dragged out in handcuffs and bundled into the back of the van. The photocopier is seized along with all the school's books, as these might also have been copied at some time in the past.

The children however have their trauma cured by a free sticker each with the proud slogan "Copy right - not copy wrong."

Give it three years max...

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