* Posts by Alan

86 posts • joined 2 Apr 2008


Carnalpedia: PR possibly premature


Chicken / Egg scenario

What came first, the word, or the paraphilia.

Surely no-one thought about getting turned on by tears until someone invented the word dacryphilia...

Lost laptop exposes thousands of pension records



My wife's details are on that laptop.

I'd love to know why they needed to use live data for testing & training purposes...

BNP DDoS 'mega-assault' not actually mega in the least


@AC 21:36

Why didn't you use your real name?

If we eject all "foreign nationals" who's going to drive the buses, serve in restaurants, clean hotel rooms, treat the sick & dying, pick fruit & veg, mend toilets etc etc

We need immigrants because far too many people in this country are too self-important / bone idol to carry out necessary but unglamorous jobs.

It may have escaped your attention that over the centuries Britain has regularly taken in foreigners who've integrated into our society to such an extent that we've probably got the most multi-cultural society outside the US, and this society works as long as knuckle draggers like yourselves butt out.

Why don't you go and join the like minded ex-pats who live in the Sun reading utopia of southern Spain where you can keep your race pure and English speaking...

Office 2010 tech preview leaks onto interwebs


New theme

I do like that nice purple theme on Access - but until they offer a toolbar option I'm sticking to Office 2003.

Mickey Rourke to star in Mona Lisa rehash

IT Angle

Not Hollywood

Handmade films are not Hollywood. It's a production company set up by George Harrison to produce The Life Of Brian.

They're based in London, and most productions are UK based...

Google suffers international outages, slowdowns


Advertising works...

For the first time this millennium I used Ask Jeeves because Google was out.

When the Google page wouldn't load I was at a loss, I couldn't think of another search service, then the Jeeves ad came on the telly and answered my prayers...

EZY Technologies MyXerver MX3600



It's a single drive unit - how the fuck is it going to support RAID...

US journo school mandates iPhone, iPod touch


@kain preacher

Perhaps if your mom was a good teacher she'd get the 6-figure salary.

Or was she too busy to teach you how to spell?

Google accused of UK tax dodge



Maybe Eire wouldn't be on the verge of financial ruin if they charged a bit more than 12.5% corporation tax.


Virgin Media switches to Gmail



Interesting that VM are giving their users the full 7gb of storage.

When I set up a colleagues Sky email the other week, they were only giving users 1gb

Vatican researcher claims Templars worshipped Turin Shroud


@ Master Baker

On a slightly more serious note that Flugal, there are several contemporary reports from the time that strongly suggest that Jesus existed, and was a bit of a thorn in the side of the Romans, but that doesn't mean to say he was the son of God, or had any special powers...

Man gets life for killing game-obsessed partner



Did she regally sit up playing GTA, or regularly sit up playing GTA?

Pot Noodle boils up instant doner kebab



Last time I had a Pot Noodle was after the Stone Roses gig at the Spike Island chemical dump.

We'd had an all nighter before, arrived at the site sans money, so had nothing to eat or drink until close to mid-night and the only thing approaching food at the Shell garage on Runcorn ring road was a "chicken" & mushroom Pot Noodle. I ate half and chucked the rest away and not touched one since.

Thanks for bringing back those bad memories...

Emotional arguments do not make Street View illegal


@AC 15:35

"How on earth did you cope in the real world without it?? Agree it's a very cool application, but this sounds very much like trying to find a problem to match the solution if ever I heard one!"

Firstly - we're off somewhere we've never visited before. I need a nearby car park because my wife can't walk very well.

In the real world before Street View I would have driven there beforehand and checked the area out, now with Street View I've saved about 60 miles worth of fuel and a couple of hours of being sat in traffic. There you go Google saves the planet yet again...


@Not sure this adds up

"The argument of utility isn't likely to carry much weight, as there isn't really that much utility :-)"

Sorry pal, it does have utility - yesterday I used Street View to see where I'm going on Friday, find a nearby car park and plot my route from the car park to the restaurant.

It's a pretty cool application really...

German Mickey Mouse radio snoops on cops

Thumb Up


“The radio is exclusively designed for listening to music. Everything else is not allowed."

Ah, so it filters out adverts, news & inane DJ chatter - let me have one now....

Chicago Bears fan hit for thirty grand for a bit of Slingbox


Un-necessary use of technology

He watched the game, live, via his Slingbox.

He was docked on a cruise liner laden with communications equipment, surely they had a TV somewhere that could pick up the game...

Hertfordshire drivers endure 200-year roadworks


@Dont exagerate

Look again at the start date...

Too busy to make a jam sandwich? M&S can help



I marvel at the number of OAPs in M&S food hall.

They complain about the tiny pension, then spend far more than they need to buying M&S pasties and cakes.

El Reg pays tribute to father of Playmobil


@pierre again

I think the aussie pigeon smuggler just shops in the same place as Windy Miller




"The Aussie bird with the parrots (bottom of 2nd page) clearly has no jugs"

I think you'll find there's no jugs because it was an aussie bloke




That's a cute police lady arresting the pigeon smuggler. Have you got her number?

The Boss bitchslaps Ticketmaster


This happens in UK too

I noticed this last year when I tried to buy some tickets. None available, then mysteriously some are available on Ticketmaster's eTout site...

Amazon pulls beta tag from PayPal foe


Google Checkout?

And this is different to Google Checkout how?

Google's AOL stake walks the plank


@Ian Johnston

I think you need a calculator...

Press windows key & R. type calc. now multiply 274 by 5 (20% is 1/5). I think you'll find the answer is somewhat different to $5.5bn...

Gimme some (more) money, demand Spinal Tap


@AC 16:44

"I was on some website the other day and noticed the volume control on the video player went up to 11. Niiice... :-D""

That would be the BBC iPlayer, a very nice touch having 11 on the volume...

Dell quietly jacks up EMEA prices


Not so

My Dell rep told me mid-December that the prices were going up 1st Jan

EC will force users to pick a Windows browser, says Microsoft

Jobs Horns


How many users really want this choice. Most people use IE7 because all they want is a tool to access Facebook

Secondly, how many people have their PCs connected to the internet during setup? How will the installation routine download the requested browser?

Finally, I'll add my name to the list of people requesting the same treatment for Apple with their Safari/iTunes monopoly. I'm not sure the same is true for Linux, because all flavours I've used generally have at least two browsers installed, FF and Konquerer...

Goat hangs self in Canadian zoo



There's two PDFs in the article, there's your IT link...

SA copper thieves bid for Darwin glory


@Stu Reeves

I'm thinking that someone who can't figure out that it's not a good idea to try to steal live electrical cable doesn't read the financial press very often...

Who reads The Register?



"an positive experience"

"an negative experience"

Where did you go to school?

btw I read The Register for the Playmobil

US smutmongers want big bucks bailout

Paris Hilton


Sorry, but don't most people turn to "adult entertainment" because they're not getting any sex?

Paris, because apparently she's not getting much sex either


Tesla takes Top Gear test to task



Whilst I love Top Gear, and find it consistently the funniest program on TV, i do wonder why it's classified under "News & Factual" on the Freeview TV Guide.

btw the Fiesta / Corvette car chase through the shopping centre last week was a classic, bringing back happy memories of The Blues Brothers

Are you the Police

No ma'am, we're musicians...

Police probe Baby P text messages and websites



The names of the mother & boyfriend have been withheld as they have another child. The scrotes remain anonymous to protect the identity of this child...

Employees sue for unpaid Windows Vista overtime



1) No PC should take 15 minutes to boot & log-on, even with Vista, must be some shitty software loading on start up

2) Why hang around after you've logged off, just set the PC to shut down and piss off

Nuke boffins plan Penguin petaflop cluster


@Fragula The Furry

I think this is the computer you allude to, the Dynalogic Hyperion


Intel to present 32nm chip while AMD shows off 22nm part



Can someone tell me how they measure these small distances, because my ruler only goes down to 1mm...

Google says sorry as Gmail plummets out of the cloud


I blame Prince Phillip

Interestingly this fail happened whilst her Maj & hubby were wandering the halls of the London Googleplex, maybe Phil pulled a network cable to whip some slant eyed member of staff, or maybe not...

US judge rejects lawsuit against God



Is that actually a word?

Batman theme composer dies at 85


@ Bryan James

For the same reason Frank Zappa's Grammy award winning Jazz From Hell had a PMRC Warning Offensive Lyrics sticker despite being a true instrumental work and completely lyric free.

There's also the fact it got a Grammy award when none of the Grammy panel had listen to a single note...

Wikipedia plumbs the filthy depths of plumbing



Don't they teach grammar at school any more - someone has managed to get all the way to Dundee University and doesn't know how to spell in and how to punctuate.

Mind you it was done at 13:41, so either they had a bit too much to drink with their lunch, or they'd only just got up...

Godfather dons 'best ever film' mantle



Attack of The Killer Tomatoes and Tromeo & Juliet

Some people have no taste...

Dell launches monster quad-core notebook


Odd error message

I just tried to configure one of these, so I selected the Quad core option and was warned that this was incompatible with the wireless card. you cannot change the wireless option so you have to deselect the quad core chip.

Then I selected Vista Business 64 bit so I could load it with 16gb ram and I got this error message...

"The Operating system you have selected is incompatible with Palm Rest Option."

So Dell's palm rests are not compatible with 64 bit windows - perhaps they'd better get a certified driver for their palm rests.

Finally, the only hard drives on offer are 160gb, 250gb and 64gb SSD, and there is no second drive option, so how exactly do you get 1tb of storage.

With the quad core chip, 16gb RAM, WUXGA screen and 64gb SSD onboard the price is £5125 + vat

Toshiba takes wraps off netbook



Why is that on every story about a new SCC there's loads of tossers complaining about it being too dear, or ugly, or the wrong colour etc.

If you don't like this one, or prefer the Acer or MSI, keep it to yourselves, all the people who aren't anally retentive are sick to death of your wingeing...

Artemis Fowl scribe to pen sixth Hitchhiker's novel



I'm really not sure about this, the 3rd & 4th radio series were not at all good. And Mostly Harmless wasn't really up to much.

Are we going to have the Sci-Fi equivalent of Virginia Andrews, with other writers continuing the series writing under a dead person's name...

Beauty contest judge canned for slamming 'munter' contestants


@AC 18:20 GMT

"What the hell ... is a munter?"

The last bit of the article should give you a clue...


For our extra-Blighty readers, munter = unattractive person."

'Water bears' survive in outer space


Are Gummy Bears...

...mutated Water Bears?

Tosh on top for laptop reliability

Jobs Horns

Jobs Reality Distortion Field

So, Apple only third on reliabilty, but top on customer satisfaction.

Obviously Apple Customers are only happy if they have regular contact with the Apple shop, even if it's for taking their beloved products back for repair...

French cough in to filthy restaurants



Wow you're so angry about French food you managed to break your keyboard...

NASA: Mars is good habitat for Terry Pratchett dragons


Heart of Gold

"The chance that we are following this correctly is roughly equivalent to that of a man with no arms throwing a handful of jelly through a falling doughnut at fifty yards without touching the sides."

Now If NASA used an Infinite Improbability Drive they could use the jelly throwing man to power their ships...

**btw is that US jelly, as in fruit based preserve, or UK jelly, as in the stuff fed to hyperactive kids at birthday parties**



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