Posts by Ishkandar

Sun will swallow Earth: Official

Oh, yeah...

...I remember discussing this very subject with Methuselah's grandpa some time back. He was getting worried that his grandson might be affected by this heatwave and that the kid always forgets his sun-block lotion !!

Boffin: Coconut jumbo is millstone in disguise

@AC - Green Thought

I believe El Reg hacks do not travel between office and family. I believe they merely travel between office and the local and thereby saving huge amounts of transportation energy where they then duly refuel on alcohol of various forms !!

@AC - Missing something? - yes !! Until FISSION reactors are guaranteed *not* to go BANG and make large glass bowls in the countryside, all else are wishful thinking. More research on fission reactors is no different from more research on better biofuels.

Having said that, the US-driven biofuel obsession is *NOT* about effeciency but about political expedience. They just want fuel independence from them Ay-rabs and greesers so they can bomb them back to the Stone Age !!

Currently the most fuel efficient means of transport are your own legs. If you can't walk that far, don't dream of getting there !! Cuts down on all sorts of unreasonable demands !!

German high court throttles government net snooping

As the Gestapo man said to the pig....

Ve haf vays of making you pork !!

Software company seeks 'Senior BJ assistant'

Sounds like a mind(??)-numbing "full time" job !!

Will there be extra pay for injuries during hazardous duty like carpet burns ?? What about overtime and weekends ?? And what perks, if any, are available ??

We have a right to full disclosure( or should that be "exposure" ?) !!

Sarko verbal spat proves YouTube hit

Typical man in the Parisien street !!

I think Sarko is behaving *EXACTLY* like a man in the Parisien street !! His opposition is obviously trying to capitalise on what is a very natural event in Paris - being bolshie !!

EU wants RFID tags turned off

@TS

You spend 30 minutes in the erotics section ?? I would have thought you'd need at least 3 hours to "carefully examine" the interesting parts of the book and ....err.... putting it back on the shelf !!

Mine has that built-in white-noise generator

Treehuggers lose legal fight to solar-powered neighbour

Aah, California

The fruits and nuts state reigned over by the Governator !!

Doctors back more tax on booze

@Hang on a minute... AC

Please stop interfering with a good fantasy by throwing facts at it !! If the government says that increasing tax will reduce binge drinking, it must be true because they are the government and the government always knows best !!

Obviously the docs could not have studied history in school if they do not remember the lessons of the Great American Prohibition !!

IT security controls partly blamed for SocGen debacle

Of course, it is always the fault of the computers !!

Silly people !! How can humans *ever* be wrong ?? Didn't you ever learn the two Laws of Management ??

1) The management is always right !!

2) When the management is wrong, see Law 1

Seriously, the interesting fact about this case is why was there no noise made when Jerome Kerviel was making a profit, despite his doings being suspected/known to the management ?? I smell yet another instance of the good Jewish practice of letting a goat run off into the desert !!

I think the icon is right on the button this time because the question is whether IT is ever at fault in all this !!

Aliens seize control of Daily Telegraph

Does this mean...

...that we'll have sexy machine-lifeforms on Page Three ??

Well, there's this female cyborg......

Die for Gaia, save the planet?

@Victoria

I see from your comment that we will have only another 35 more years before the end of the world !! Are you, by any chance, a Jehovah's Witness ?? They seem to predict the end of the world every couple of decades since their founding !!

FYI, there was a prediction that London will be neck-deep in horseshit by 1940s simply by extrapolating the number of horses needed for transportation in London by its citizens. Unfortunately, that prediction is only partly true. London is now neck-deep in bullshit instead !!

I hope you can see the comparison !!

Points mean passports: Citizenship Smith unveils 'like us' plan

Re. why not do something utterly revolutionary

You almost got it right. What this latest brainstorm means is that the minister in charge (Is she, now ?? - ed) is so deep in the doo-doo that she has to think of something to distract the unwashed masses from her incompetence in deporting the undesirables (mostly because they cannot find the so-and-sos) !!

What about that 15 year old kid knifed by a bunch of Somalis who cannot be deported because "their lives will be in danger in Somalia" ?? But of course it is OK to knife kiddies in the streets of Britain because it is safe for them !!

Rue Britannia !! (This is *NOT* a spelling mistake !!)

Robocopter gunship abandons sinking warship project

All hot and running....

...until SUDDENLY...***Blue Screen Of Death***....robots continues in a straight line as per last instruction; then splat, splat, splat...

So much for networked driod legion !!

Meanwhile, US flesh-and-blood troops are hammered by the enemy's Linux based weaponry !!

US cruiser nails crippled spy-sat on first shot

comments on various comments

@Jouni Leppajarvi - Nope. They used a left over Chinese New Year firework with a Beta-test version of Windows Vista as the destructive element. They scored a direct hit and proved two theories at the same time !!

1) The Chinese can do it cheaply !!

2) Windows Vista can destroy anything on contact !!

@Peter Leech - the chances of any rocket fuel, with oxygen in it, burning are slim to none. It's the ones WITHOUT oxygen that burns IN oxygen !!

@Steve - by the time the Americans got their anti-missile ready, the N. Korean missile will have hit Tokyo already !! Those places are NOT a million miles apart, you know, as the Russian Imperial Baltic Fleet discovered in 1905 !! So that theory is shot down like that in the main story !!

Suicidal moose descends on Alaska

@Rhys

See explaination above !!

@JCL

Elk is the American word for moose since Americans have difficulty with more than three letters in a word !! I had lots of lovely moose steaks in Norway.

And please, reindeer are cute little creatures with slim horns. Moose are bloody great things with large spades,complete with pointy bits at the ends, on its head !! You seriously don't want to know what a moose can do to you with them pointy spades !!

Mine's the polar bear fur coat with the wolf skin hood, thanks !!

Map paints gloomy picture of world's oceans

Over-fishing ??

Easily solved !!

1) Ban fish and chips

2) Ban Rick Stein

3) Cover all British controlled waters with offshore windmills

4) Hang everyone who buys salmon

Thais rate rat 'better than chicken'

Re. how the hell do you milk a rat?

With great care and attention to their sharp teeth !!

Oz teen elephant pregnancy sparks protests

@John A Blackley

Have pity on her. She has to justify her extortionate salary somehow !! Otherwise, people will stop donating towards these charities and she wouldn't get paid !!

Blighty might have astronauts in future, says UK gov

@Tim, et all

There's another way for a Brit in space. Have Chinese ancestry; apply for a ride on Chinese spacecraft in the name of international cooperation !! Helps if you look good for the media !!

As far as China is concerned, all persons of Chinese ancestry are Chinese by definition even if they have foreign citizenships.

FYI, the first Chinese in space is someone called Leroy; a perfectly good Chinese name !!

Jane Fonda c-word slip shocks US

Americans

@Mike JVX - No mate. You are a Canuckistani and those South of the (US) border/Great Wall of America are greasers and US citizens are usually, with notable exceptions, stupid !!

Human rights group pleads for condemned Saudi 'witch'

Witchhunt

But Mr. Spielberg still does business with the Saudis anyway so they can't have violated any Human Rights, can they ??

5,000 NHS records vanish with latest lost laptop

"Wonder why they ever called them NHS Trusts."

They are named after a medical apparatus used to give support to failing parts !!

Obviously

"HMRC twice lost 25 million records relating to child benefits, the DVLA lost 6,000 records for vehicle owners, and the MoD misplaced a laptop containing details of 600,000 applicants to the armed services."

And you wonder why the Russians have canceled their spying budget for the UK ??

Enraged vegan spitroasts Reg hack

Re. - Raving Rachel

"intellectually and compassionately superior platform" = permanent seat on the "throne" because of massive anal retention due to excessive fibre in diet !! Suggested treatment - Colonic irrigation via the cranium !!

@Paul Donnelly - you *cook* meat ???!!! What's wrong with riding around with a lump of raw meat under your saddle for a week before you eat it ?? The Mongols did it for yonks and they passed on the recipe to the Europeans as Steak Tartare !!

@Chewy - but what about those mass murderers who slaughter millions of innocent plants daily to supply you with the vegetation you need ??

@Geoff Mackenzie - "Where did all the cells in my body come from?" - Tesco ?? Buy one, get one free ?? Tesco's value pack ??

@Ted Treen - You pervert !! How can you eat putrid meat ?? Can't you smell the stench coming off them as they enter Westminster ??

Mine's the one made from cute puppy skins. They were delicious and I see no point in wasting their skins !!

EU commissioner backs record biz on copyright extensions

Re. - How many artists from 1913 can you name?

Scott Joplin ?? Edith Piaff ??

Mine's the silk-lined cape, please !! And hurry, my horse-drawn hearse is waiting outside.

Spielberg quits as Beijing Olympics advisor

Hypocracy

I would applaud his integrity more if he now gives up his US citizenship and refuse to work for any American business because the US government "waterboards" (i.e. tortures) suspects in contravention to all human rights and then proudly announces that they will *CONTINUE* to do so !!

Until then, I think it is just a cheap publicity stunt for his own benefit !! He has dropped way, way down in my esteem !!

It's mostly Americans and their lap-dogs that are making the noises linking the Chinese Olympics to Darfur simply because the Chinese are getting the oil they want and they dare not try another "regime change" !! What have they done about the millions starved to death in Zimbabwe where there is no oil for them to fight over ??

Still, a sucker is born every minute* and they'll jump on any bandwagon if someone bangs the drum loud enough !!

*P T Barnum

M&S flogs lingerie model with 'durable hardwood feet'

@Josh

That's probably because that's what you were making when the film first came out !!

And for a bit of variety...

...there's Soylent Red and Soylent Yellow. Also, if you have the lolly, some apartments come with "furniture" as depicted in the advertisement above !!

Note: Mr. Harry Harrison will be demanding royalties for the use of his novella, "Make room, make room" and the concepts therein !!

PH as part of the furnishing !!

Swedish cops probe flying fermented fish attack

@Esa Laitinen

That's easy. The Swedes eat that fish, then go to the nearest inn/bar full of drunk Finns. Once nature takes its course, the Swede is guaranteed to have most of the place to himself !! Now he can have a nice quiet drink with a side order of fermented blubber !!

WMD provided by the opposition !! What could be better ??

Early forms of food preservation

Actually the idea there is to store the excess fish catches of summer in a coating of *ASH* so that the sodium in the fish is replaced by potassium in the ash. That way, the fish will not rot or ferment !! The fish is usually stored buried in the ground. Around the turn of winter, the stored fish is dug up and eaten for the rest of winter and into spring.

This process is also used in production of the Chinese "century eggs" !! However, this process aids in the conversion of sulphur compounds in the food to hydrogen sulphide in your tummy and, thus, making you a very unwelcome company in most places !! You may also be classified as WMD and treated accordingly !!

Internet s&x auction ends in pregnancy, legal feud

More comments

@Colin Wilson - until they find a kid with more chromosomes that normal !!

@Steve Roper - hence the preference for professionals !! Pay-as-you-go and (hopefully) no lingering after-effects !!

Teen hacker re-unlocks Apple's iPhone

@Rick

Of course not !! That would be doing things the Microsoft way. Ans Steve Jobs is too proud to stoop so low !!

UK teen is world's youngest certified ethical hacker (maybe)

To be fair to this young chap...

...he's done well for his age. More importantly still, he realises that there is still no substitute for hard experience.There are many, two or three times his age, who think that waving a piece of paper around "proves" that they know all there is to know about any particular subject !!

My most unworthy, evil side takes great delight in shooting these paper-wavers down in flames !!

Once again, well done, young man !!

Fermented fish symbiotically pollinate model's hardwood feet

@Gerrit Tijhof

Not to mention soused Herren consuming the soused herring....

Mine is the oil(ed) slicker with the North Sea proof hood !!

Baylis Eco EP-MX71 hand-cranked media player

More comments

@Paul - so that was you in the loo !! For a moment I thought we were invaded by some nasty alien insect colony !!

@Barry Rueger - try buying batteries 50 kilometers from the nearest civilisation !! You could always run the 50 klicks there, buy the batteries and run the 50 klicks back just to get a bit of enjoyment !!

The "green" issue is raised by those who prefer to hug trees. It's the convenience factor that gets to me !! Especially after I first saw a wood-fired steam engine drive an electric generator to power a fridge to give us ice-cold beers in the equatorial heat !!

Too late !!

I have a hand-cranked torch that will also charge my mobile phone and a hand-cranked charger for my portable that will also charge pen-cell rechargeable batteries. My portable also plays CDs, VCDs, DVDs and MP3 as well as games and do my "official" work. So this gadget came out too late for me.

@AC - if someone tries to mug you for this "little" gadget, just clonk him on the head with it. After all, it has a rubber coating so it wouldn't get damaged. Can't say the same for the mugger's head, though !!

US man threatens TV repairman with shotgun

@Jason Harvey - Flame war initiated

What's the matter with you ?? I love dogs !! Especially when they are well cooked !! Wanton slaying of dogs is a crime. They should only be killed for the pot !! They also need the proper spices and flavouring !!

Philistine !! Big Mac-lover !!

Regulators probe SocGen over rogue trader scandal

Scapegoat

They are trying to make a scapegoat out of him and he isn't having any of it. I think, from all reports, if he goes down, he intends to take everyone else down with him.

BTW, rumours of overbooked Air France first class seats on flights to obscure countries/destinations are greatly exaggerated !! Many will be slumming it in business class !!

EFF and chums sue Feds over border laptop inspections

And it came to pass

that the long-foretold Fortress America has risen from the paranoid minds of a few. And the Americans wonder why other people do not like them ???

UK men would stay out of bed for 50in plasma telly

Counter-offer

I'll give Comet a 50" plasma screen if they'll get me a really good shag for 6 months duration. I may be dead by the end of it but, at least, I'll die smiling !!

Thigh-drive phone charger put through its paces

All that is needed...

... is to connect this to a vibrating phone and you can smile as you jog !!

Archived Chinese scholar to sue Google and Yahoo! over search censorship

If Alibaba is asleep....

....why don't you contact one of the 40 thieves ??

/That's the one with matching slippers with curly toes

RIAA chief calls for copyright filters on PCs

I can just see this happening....

...in China. I'm sure the government there would just love to install these high tech gadgets on all their state-run machines !!

Music industry sues Baidu

@John Cobb & Les Matthew & AC & Vladimir Plouzhnikov

It is obvious that you lot have over-indulged in self-satisfaction and that has affected your eye-sight !!

Either visit an optician or get a girlfriend or, Allah be praised, get a girlfriend who *IS* an optician !!

PH, the symbol of self-indulgence

RIAA, Hong Kong chapter

If they think Baidu is a soft touch, they've got another think coming !! Chinese courts are not like American courts. They will not suffer nuisance cases gladly. If they can't prove their case, then Baidu have to right to counter-sue for malicious injury and for punitive damages for loss of "face" (goodwill).

Healthy? You're a burden on the state

Oh dear

The bleeding heart brigade who tootle around in Chelsea Tractors are tell off the smokers for polluting the air !!

Hello, Kettle. This is Pot !!

Flawed logic

@ Retarded Coward - I would like to dispute the flawed logic that dead men pay no tax. Please check on the tax situation of Freddy Mercury's estate and the royalties that are still coming in for his songs !! Unfortunately, you'll have to fight your way through that horde of vampires, sorry I mean HM Inspectors of Taxes, to get at em.

@Kevin Kitchen - Not true !! You have conveniently missed out the exorbitant taxes on booze and fags consumed during their lifetimes !!

@Jaap Stoel - By the time you get Alzheimers, you'll forget where you put that suicide pill !!

@Steve Browne - tis because ever since the Great Mrs. Thatcher suffered the Ides of March, we've been electing one nanny state government after another !! What you votes is what you gets !!

Flame cos it the nearest representation of my lighter !

HMRC still waiting for EDS cash

Just sue the pants off EDS !!

I love EDS !! Boiled, roasted or basted in its own juices !!

EDS hits job cut target

If only

the entire senior management of EDS are among the 250 "voluntary redundancies" !!