Posts by Ishkandar

Web fan-owned football club heads to Wembley final

Proof...

...that a little thought and a lot of elbow grease can go a long way !! Well done, lads !!

Extreme porn bill gets final reading

So who's reading the extreme porn...

...and why is he getting the bill for it ??

@Not Very Well Thought Out :(

bestiality ??

necrophilia ??

torture ??

So what you are saying is that the entire government should be locked away for "flogging a dead horse" ??

WOW !! I'm all for it !!

--nearest equivalent to the expired equine !!

NZ bank robber stashes loot where the sun don't shine

Does that mean that the NZ Plods'...

... quick probe was successfully concluded ?? Well, no one can accuse them plods of taking a very lax(ative) attitude to crime !! All's well that ends well, eh, lads ??

These day...

...you can't keep your money safe anywhere !!

Gordon Brown claims a Brit invented the iPod

@Don't forget

Faraday *invented* magnetism ?? Damn, I knew I was worshiping the wrong God !!

If Gordon Brown said the world is round, I'd get want to get confirmatory measurements in TEN different ways before I'd agree to it !!

@Mono Ape - Them prophets didn't wear no underpants. They weren't invented yet !!

@Tom Welsh - "We dare say there's a subtle difference between the house painter and architect". How true, and there is no doubt which of the two is more important." - So true !! You only have to look at the damage done by a certain house-painter, with a tooth-brush mustache, from Vienna to know who's more important !!

@So what are you supposed to do while waiting several hours as they clear the wrong kind of fluff off the track? - In a word - bonk ?? It is a no-calorie, environmentally-friendly exercise that is relatively non-addictive and is also good for population control !! Post-coital ciggies aren't allowed on British trains, though !!

@James Dunne - Gordon bashing is not new to me !! Been bashing him since he was a Chancellor. He has been trying very hard to make micromanaging control-freakery into an art-form !! That's an anathema to my religious belief that good employees should be told what to do and then be allowed to get on with it !!

@George Schultz - you must not dismiss you illustrious president so blithely. After all, he bravely flew around in the skies over Texas defending those vast herds of cattle from attacks by the Viet Cong !! The fact that he can't tell where the Viet Cong were, even with a map with a BIG cross marked on it, is beside the point !!

Apple to issue refunds for sparky, prematurely dying products

Serves them right...

...for sourcing products from the renegade province !! They should have sourced good Made-in-China products !! Everyone else does and have no complains about the hardware quality. The same happened over the exploding(?) laptop batteries a few years ago that was the pride and joy of the NON-suicidal bombers !!

Extreme porn, hard drives and election strain

@No, that already comes under the heading of "toiletries and bathroom essentials". ®

Err...actually some of that is placed under the heading of "Expenses: suitable attire" e.g. latex suits and studded-leather cuffs and chains !! Whilst others are plsced in the "Expense: research of facts" category !!

How can the Lords judge if something is porn if they have no first-hand knowledge of the very thing itself ??

Dell promises replacement keyboards for wonky laptops

I would love to see the legal challanges...

...when they refuse to honour the warranty because THEY instructed the customer to replace their keyboard. Similarly, if they charge for the call out of their customer support to replace the keyboards that are *NOT* "fit for purpose" in the first case !! I can just visualise the teams of Dell minions scurrying all over EU fixing the keyboards and seriously hitting their bottom-line (in Septic-speak) or net profit before tax in proper English !!

I think selling 6-months Dell futures now might be a good idea !!

Rock Group goes titsup

Re. - Along the same lines

Not if you've done a proper business and system analysis, mate !! If the database is properly designed, the static data should hardly change at all. How often do you change your name (unless you are a felon wanted by all the police forces of this world) ?? And "sex" allows one change per decade at most !!

On the other hand, "address" could change from lock-up to prison to another prison...

FBI probe discovers counterfeit kit in US military networks

@Real reasons

>>getting paranoid about components goes too far.<< - They, being Americans, says it all !!

@Why did we buy Military Networking Gear from China? Are we that stupid??? - So that you can run Windoz for War on them !!

@Such Language - actually underlined *IS* the correct usage since "score" means to cut or gouge something and that mark is now made (usually) by ink ejected against the paper !! Besides which, only real or wannabe Septics use "underscore" !! Real English use "underline" !!

PH because she wouldn't care so long as she's under !!

Retailers risk libel nightmare over 'no-work' database

To make this absolutely fair...

...we should also have the equivalent in a database of bad employers that abuse (physically or employmentally) their employees and/or sack them without adequate reason !!

This will solve two problems !! The affected employees will be pissed off enough not to vote NuLabour and the affected employers will be pissed off enough not to "donate" to the NuLabour election funds !!

Come back, the Whigs !! You are (almost) forgiven !!

@It's not a government scheme. - It *IS* a government scheme devised by NuLabour government ministerial hack in the dark days after the biggest electoral defeat in their history as a vote/attention getter and now strenuously denied by them !!

Damn, but they are toxic !!

HSBC in further data loss

I'm sure that their "layers of security"....

...were cunningly designed to fox a lobotomised rabbit !!

@amanfromMars - Clear English diction !! Shurly an all-time first !! :-)

Home Secretary goes crazy on drugs... policy

@Tim Worstall - Re. Nut allergy

The message - May contain nuts - does NOT have sufficient coverage !! E.g. it is not clearly displayed in both the Houses of Parliament !! Or the National Union of Teachers, either !!

@So if it was guns and not cannabis >>until someone drives over a baby whilst under the influence of cannabis<< I DO NOT condone cannabis but this statement is too extreme to let pass without comment.

What is the percentage of babies killed by skunked drivers compared to those killed by drunk drivers or those killed by joy-riders ?? Or those killed by drivers smoking or using a mobile phone while driving ??

I know Jacqui Smith resembles a lobotomised rabbit but she does not have to act like one !!

Vultures crash out of the Indian skyscape

What nonsense !!

The Indian vultures have evolved and are now to be found haunting the Bombay (Mumbai) Stock Exchange and the various local equivalents of the yuppie joints in that city !! It seems like the pickings (pun intended) are better in those establishments !!

@Mike Richards - Indian feral dogs and rats have been running scared for centuries. They go into making good curries when times are hard, you know !! Even their fleas are running scared !!

@Sarah Bee - Extremely imaginative and highly intuitive name !!

Interpol publishes pic of another suspected child abuser

He looks familiar !!

Doesn't he work for El Reg ?? I thought he might be one of the staffers !! First lesbians, then this and all we need now is a picture of a sadistic, bestial necrophiliac flogging a dead horse to complete the lineup !!

El Reg visits Hyderaspace and sees bullocks, giant rabbits

@V.Srikrishnan

Strange you should mention the Kohinoor Diamond !! The Persians (Iranians) still want that back since you stole it from them some time ago along with quite a few other goodies !!

And, of course, we can't have filthy "untouchables" polluting the Holy Shrines of IT, can we ?? What will they think of next ?? Full equality for all ?? Can't have the lower castes rising above their station in life, eh what ??

It seems to me...

>>>Now with companies like Dell, IBM and Oracle setting up shop here alongside the local players, it’s your tech support calls that are likely to end up there......and never to be seen again !!

@Mike Moyle - The Safe Zones are the lanes outside the mined areas !! They are to prevent the intrusion of the inhabitants of the shanty town !!

@Now now now - That's rich coming from a bunch of environmentally-unfriendly economic saboteurs !! You have your offices air-conditioned and, thereby, burning up tons and tons of fossil fuel and, at the same time, depriving thousands of punkka-wallahs of their livelihoods !! Economic Imperialism, eh, old chap !!

@lglethal - >>just stay the hell of the roads -- Why do you think the Indians were using old Morris Oxford rip-offs for decades ?? Damn near bullet-proof, those old bangers !!

AMD now has 'more than allegations' against Intel

Now, where's my millimetric wavelenght radarienabled goggles ??

The ones that I used for looking through people's clothes !! I knew they'll come in handy one day !!

Lesbian lesbians fight extreme porn law

@Viewing a crime?????

Have no fear !! Help is near !! Gordon had a brown-trousers night on Friday and by the end of the evening he "promised to LISTEN to the people", whatever that means. So if enough people yell at him about this, he might do something about this sheer idiocy !! His entire cabinet will be too busy back-stabbing and finger-pointing to do anything about this law(??) !!

Do I detect a Night of the Long Knives in the near future ?? Or perhaps the Ides of March, even !!

Customers give Dell the finger over keyboard screw-up

@Rotten UK keyboard

You've obviously never written a script in Unix using a pipe !!

@Herby - In the days of yore, when knights were gore, we had nice little things called "chip-pullers" which had a double function of pulling out key caps !! And there's nothing wrong with the VT220 keyboard. It's just like the VT100 keyboard, just thinner and less "clicky" !!

@Dazed and Confused - serves you right for using crappy HP keyboards. Nowt wrong with VT100s !!

@Corrine - to solve your problem, just buy a replacement keyboard from Tesco for the princely sum of £4.99 !!

@Ole Juul - Ah !! You must be in Australia !!

@Marcus Hook - Try a Chinese keyboard, mate !! They DON'T have an alphabet at all !! Then graduate to an "East Asian" keyboard that *supposedly* satisfy not just the Chinese (both traditional and simplified Chinese) but the Japanese and Korean languages and then tell me about crowded !!

@Dave Driver - Tough. So use ed or sed instead vi !! Children !! So spoilt these days !! When I were a lad.....

What I want to know...

...is which idiot decided to remap the numeric keypad onto the alpha keys where there already are the same characters on other keys !! This looks like a typical "Chinese" keyboard that is capable of more than just ASCII, Unicode8 perhaps !! I suspect that various shift-function key combinations will produce partial Chinese characters if the "language" is set to "Chinese" in the o/s !!

Natasha Henstridge braces for Impact

@BoldMan

No more lunatics in parliament ??

@Adam Foxton - Naw !! Tall (could be short, if Tom Cruise), blonde American (what else) hero convinces the inhabitants of Xena (the "newly discovered" planet) to send out hordes of scantily-clad Amazon warriors mounted on flying horses (Pegasi ??) who will fire nuclear-tipped arrows at Pluto and divert it into a terminal solar decay path. Hero manfully sacrifices himself as the love object of the Warrior Princess and he gets excommunicated by the Church of Scotland for having sex with a non-human (see other thread on Church of Scotland) !! He should have chosen a bagpipe instead !!

Men could have kids with chimpanzees - gov must act

@Calm down, dear, it's only a comment.

Not much good sticking a woman into animal sperm, would it (aside from the size problem) ??

@Ted Treen - Waddaya mean "some mad sod will try it" !! Haven't you ever been to Wales; where men are men, women are frustrated and sheep are terrified !!

Astroboffins moot massive Moon-mirror heliograph

@brian

Have you read an ancient SF book called "To serve Man" ?? Much better than Footfall, et al (and I'm a Niven and Pournelle fan) !!

Anyway this will not happen because the US govt will put this to tender and accept the lowest bid from a crony ??). The costs start escalating (I was going to say sky rocketing but that would be a bad pun) and the US govt goes bankrupt !! Then some Indian metal refinery (no names mentioned to....) will buy that as scrap, melt down the lot and sell that to the Chinese who uses that to make gadgets to be resold back to the Septics at a vastly inflated profit !! A win-win situation for (almost) everyone !!

France's €4.9bn rogue trader gets IT job

@trackSuit

Sir, you are sooo behind the times. Swiss, or even Liechtenstein, bank accounts are no longer secret !! Try the Cayman Islands or Curacao (ex-Dutch Antilles) !!

@Pyros - Weren't you guys supposed to be "Rebs", not "Yanks" ?? Not that I know much about that place except for the fact that Ol' "Hickory" Jackson fought off the Brits in the Battle of New Orleans and that the Congreve rockets were used for the first time in anger, which led to that line in your National Anthem about the "rockets' red glare" (Hollywood and Major Richard Sharpe notwithstanding) !! Or have I got that wrong ??

@Graham Wood - At the risk of being pedantic, Chris Colombo "discovered" Hispaniola !! It was Amerigo Vespucci who "discovered" America, hence that stupid name !! Who cares about a bunch of inconvenient natives running around that place !!

I wonder what would have happened if it was Pizzaro who "discovered" that place first ?? Would it now be called Pizzaria ?? And, God forbid, that is should be Ponce de Leon who was there first !! The innuendos will be endless !!

Set a thief to catch a thief !!

Nowt a truer word said !! Good luck to him !! I'm sure he will be very good at his new job of "poacher turned gamekeeper" !!

How many staff has HMRC caught snooping on records?

Ministry of Truth !!

>>MPs were told it was not possible to provide information on how many staff had that access, or how many had received training because such information "could be collated only at a disproportionate cost.".

Translation : I haven't got the faintest clue and I truly don't know how to get those figures !!

How do they define "User-role" and how do they cross-link that with security ?? Presumably everyone who has to work with the data has a user-role or are only 50% of them doing any work at all and the rest just sit around drinking tea and scratching their rear-ends ??

The reason why other countries do not have their equivalent of James Bond is that they just send in a few blokes/girls to mix with those data processing persons and patiently wait for the data to fall on their laps !! Don't need no feeeelthy "00" agents !!

But the Ministry of Truth says that there are *NO* data leaks and what that Ministry says *MUST* be true !!

Holes in London Mayor websites leave them open to 'e-gaffes'

Does this really matter...

...and does any Londoner of sound mind give a flying....duck....what any website says about the candidates !!

This is an equal opportunity sneer !!

Cloud computing hysteria paralyzed by bolt of reality

@Tanya Cumpston

God !! You *ARE* a BOF (Boring Old Fart) like me !! Multics - purportedly the Ultimate Computer. When it went tits-up, some refugees from that project started some skunkworks and the rest, as they say, is the history of Unix and C !! Kernigan, Ritchie, Aho, Wienberg and gang !!

@tebiru - Eh ? Eh ?

1) Data can be accessed from anywhere, from a variety of devices. --- especially by unscrupulous persons of a criminal nature !!

2) Software upgrades a far more painless procedure - almost invisible to the user --- as in You *VILL* use Windows Vista whether you Vant it or not !!

3) Potential for processing power-intensive software to be accessed at very little cost vs buying the hardware yourself (particularly handy if your usage of said software is quite limited, or one-off) --- If it's of limited or one-of usage, why not just pay someone to do it for you. If you need to use it more often, why not have your own copy on your own hardware. Shared software on shared hardware have the distinct disadvantage of having many users wanting to use the same damn thing at the same time and, thereby, slowing the processing to less than owned software and hardware !!

e.g. If PH was to suddenly announce that, *horror of horrors*, she will become a nun and take the vow of chastity, the number of emails and messages flashing around the world would be tremendous especially when everyone simply "forwards" the received messages to everyone else in their address books AND that is *NOT* counting the number of online bets, made and taken on how long she will hold on to her vow, and the resultant financial transactions !! And there you are valiantly trying to calculate the value of Pi to the millionth significant place !!

HP pulls memory Missing Link from bottle of beer

@Robert E A Harvey

That sounds horribly like Heisenberg's Principle !! If you look at it, then it will be different and continue to be different each time you look at it !!

Either that or you have ingested something made from wheat that was infested with the Ergot fungus as discovered by this guy who just popped it at 102 years old !!

Icon that used to be on little squares of rice paper !!

Mel Gibson to star in Edge of Darkness

But would Mel be running around...

...wearing a skirt and painted in woad in this movie ??

@heystoopid - We, the inhabitants of the Marianas Trench, do seriously object to your slur on our home !! You should try living here where the local pressure is measured in tons/sq. in. !! I'd bet you'd feel a little squeezed !!

Data sharing could have stopped killing

Crux of the matter !!

IMHO, the crux of the matter is that there are too many bleeding hearts that see only the "rights" of the perpetrator and totally ignore the RIGHTS of the victim(s) !! This problem is exacerbated by the real nutcases who insist on locking up pensioners who won't pay their council tax but allow murders and rapist free to roam because there is no more room in the prisons !!

I feel that there should be a long overdue reform of the entire legal system to remove a judge's decision to lock up minor "crimes" like not paying their telly licenses or parking fines in order to free up more room to lock up the seriously hard-case offenders !! The days of DEBTORS PRISONS should have been done with long ago !!

Alternatively, transport them to Australia !! I'm sure there will be a significant rise in the number of "debt defaulters" just to get a free ticket to Bondi Beach !! And, in these days of the poor economy, it could help the struggling cruise companies make ends meet !! A win-win solution all round !!

Brown opts for morality over science on 'lethal skunk'

Ave Imperator !!

Gordon Brown has never allowed a few inconvenient facts cloud his judgment and gut instincts (and he has a lot of gut to do it with) !! Just like he conveniently "over-looked" the 5 million poorly paid people when *HE* scrapped the 10% tax band to try and buy the Middle England votes !! And now his vultures are coming home to roost !! So too will his latest brainwave to reclassify cannabis !!

He is not losing votes !! He is throwing them away by the bucketloads !! Meanwhile Red/Green/(Puce ??) Ken is desperately trying to distance himself from those debacles in his race to be the next London Mayor !!

@amanfromMars - You are actually making sense !! How bizarre !! :-)

'Extreme porn' law could criminalise millions

WTF ???

>>"the Minister is in danger of leading his Government into becoming the thought police

I thought the govt. ALREADY ARE the thought police !! Gordon We-are-watching-you Brown will have it no other way !!

@david g

No mate, China does *NOT* criminalise the individual for watching porn !! They just (try) to block the porn sites !! It is only in "DEMOCRATIC" Britain that individuals are criminalised for watching *undefined* porn because porn is whatever *THEY* say it is !! Of course, this gives a lot more work to our lazy, underutilised police forces especially when their pay has not only been capped but fiddled to be less than bargained for while the MPs blow millions on *their* expenses !!

I'm sure this will do Brown's election prospects an immense amount of good !!

Ubuntu man says Microsoft's about to 'swallow a hand-grenade'

Stop sprouting "extreme porn" or you will be arrested !!

Call you local PETA representative ??? That is an extreme act of masochism !! She looks like a demented gorilla in drag !! I'd far rather call those persons of a female persuasion that pose nude for their anti-fur campaigns !! A sight for sore eyes, them !!

Do biofuels cause famine? EU President opens probe

@EU President opens probe

Ouch !! I hope he made liberal use of lubrications !!

Microsoft profits fall in Q1

Oh dear, poor, poor Microsoft !!

I'm sure they'll do better next quarter when Mr. Ballmer has thrown more furniture through those plate glass windows !!

Governator outs Dubya's global-warming 'time bomb'

@'Man-made' global warming is in fact a LIE!!

>>The same occurred during the medieval period. <<

I think that was caused by His Holiness Torquemada and the Spanish Inquisition burning all those heretics. All that greasy smoke wafting into the air and blotting out the sun !!

@Webster Phreaky - "Gulf of Mexico (where the Commie Chinese are drilling with our buddies the corrupt Mexicans). THOSE are the villans!"

Ah, now I understand. Americans drilling in the Gulf of Mexico are good ol' boys that are patriotically saving the nation but anyone else doing the same are villains !! And, of course, the US is relieving the poor Iraqis of their burden of an excessive supply of oil while those dastardly Iranians have not only refused to sell you any but actually have the temerity to quote their oil in EUROs instead of good ol' greenbacks !!

El Reg obtains snap of OGC logo reveal

@Mike Richards

I believe that the 'Little Book of Euphemisms' was compiled by Long Dong Silver and is available at all good pirate bookshops !!

Harman hack horror has blog backing Boris

@Tom Kelsall

Please !! Do you have to use such absolutely sick imagery in a family-friendly rag like this ?? Who, in their right mind, would *WANT* to bite her ?? Even king cobras will die of poisoning !!

Apple gets into mine-sweeping, missiles and storage

@Ashlee Vance

Perhaps your resemblance to a baby seal is uncanny; especially the wide-eyed, I'm-not-here look !! :-)

Watch out for iPhalanx and iHellfire in the near future !! Perhaps iWarbot in the medium term and iBolo in the long term !! Jobs for Emperor !! All hail !! All hail !!

Asus Eee PC 900 Linux Edition

@Joe

They reduced the battery capacity so it wouldn't blow up on your lap !! The older battery was so over-packed that it had a possibility of catching fire in the least pretext !! However, a larger capacity less-packed battery would be greatly appreciated !!

@Sorry to be a pedant... You are right !! It was the High Lords of IBM that decreed that there will *NEVER* be any need for more than 640K !! They based this decision on the fact that the "New" IBM PC would be an uprated semi-autonomous "dumb terminal" intended to run with LU6.2 to connect to the "real processors" in the IBM mainframes/minis !! As with many things, the damn machines developed a life of their own and the rest, say they say, is history !! Various horrible means were used to bypass the IBM BIOS-imposed 640K limit and it was only when the BIOS was re-written by others that the limit was abolished !! American MegaTrend is one that comes to mind !!

Apple blocks cheaper UK iPod sales

Mom's Apple pie with added cyanide

@Gordon - So get a Brit friend to buy it for your sister as a prezzie. There is *NO* law against gifts from one person to another (yet ?? Santa had better check this situation carefully; just in case !!) I always gift my French friends with goods (electronic bits and parts) legally bought in UK and they gift me in return with goods (booze and fags) legally bought in France !! Anyone who tries to stop the giving of gifts is going to run into a lot more grief than they can possibly handle !!

Mine's the one with a pair of Silkworm SAMs, black helicopters, for the downing of !!

PETA offers $1m for test tube chicken

@Volunteers Please.

>>If the PETA fanatics want to be so right-on, why don't THEY volunteer for slaughter.

They do say human flesh "tastes like chicken" after all!

That said, there's probably not that much eatin' in your average malnourished lentil muncher anyhoo.<<

Well if you think that, then you are very wrong !!

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/lifestyle/2008-04/23/content_6638672.htm

I'd certainly wouldn't need a second invitation to chew on all three of them, leaves and all !!

Canadian man in Taser trouser inferno shocker

@David

Looks like that's not the only thing you are holding back. Maybe a bit more fibre in your diet might help. Otherwise, ten pints of lager and a good vindaloo will certainly do the trick !!

Mine's the one that says "I'm retentive but I'm not anal about it !!"

Brown gov will make 'big commitment' to carbon capture

@Vladimir Plouzhnikov

Uncle Joe Stalin did a lot of mass sequestration in his day, you know !! Most of that were carbon compounds too; plus some calcium compounds and a fair dollop of iron !! I believe he put them in specially built Siberian establishments, known in Russian as Gulag !! I'm sure all that mass sequestration must have help the climate change immensely !!

Mine's the one with the nice furry hat and red star on top of it !

Satyam's mood-detecting motor to run in-car disco

WTF ???

"Naturally, it will feature GPS, and allow fleet owners to track their vehicles, while allowing consumers to find their way from one drive-in to another."

Nobody in their right mind would want to go from drive-in to drive-in ! That said, there are plenty not in their right mind...