Posts by Ishkandar

Germans develop submarine-launched UAV

@StopthePropaganda

FYI, those Chinese diesel-powered boats are a direct rip-off of the good ol' U-boats and everyone knows how sneaky those bastards were !!

@goggyturk

1) Those wily Orientals are seriously sneaky bastards, I tell you !!

2) If anyone tells you that they remembered what they smoked in the '60s, they're lying through the wrong end of their alimentary canal !! Been there. Seen it. Smoked it (I think) !!

Green-loving California may dodge utility bill bullet

@Peter Bradshaw

"By the way, some Republicans think Arnold is a closet Democrat."

Of course, he's a Socialist. He's Austrian, isn't he ?? Just hope that he's not a *National* Socialist !! There's still a few hanging around somewhere in this world !!

@The Prevaricator

Naw !! Highly unlikely !! With a large minority of its population of Asian origin and with the rise of China and Vietnam as economic dynamos, not to mention the Japanese out-innovating everyone else, California will opt to join the Greater East-Asia Co-prosperity Sphere V2.0 !! V1.0 got incinerated in nuclear fire at the end of 1945 !! V2.0 relies on more pacific(??) means (pun intended) !!

MoD in £1.75m rush order for SAS backpack radars

Nonsense !!

>> "Blighter radars offer exceptional target detection performance in rocky, mountainous terrain". So that would be Afghanistan, then.

They are operating against the sheep-botherers in an undisclosed rocky, hilly country closer to home.

ETS apologises for online marking blunders – again

In th old days...

...the Cambridge Examination Board ran exams throughout the former empire and got the papers marked and the results collated in ample time for the students to deal with their next year's schooling. This was in the days when air-freight was limited to gold ingots and single sheets of paper !!

This bunch of clowns can't even deal with the exam papers from one lousy, little country !!

Forget about going to Third-world countries to look for corruption. There's cronyism enough here in Britain. More to come from Red Ken's London now that Big Boris is in charge !!

Attack of the Italian space pod parachute babes

@Elmer Phud

You Philistine !! Those are Bulgarian airbags !! They are a necessary, nay, essential, part of the safety precautions (in case they land in enemy territory).

US DoD arms cloud for military duty

WOW !!

Now all we need is one Al-Qaeda operative to slip into that cloud and royally screw up everything !! How many more lies are these US military idiots expect us to believe ?? From pin-point laser-guided bombs that bombed the Chinese embassy miles away to military hunter-killer robots that turn on their handlers !!

Of course, HP is happy !! The DoD is giving them what is in effect a blank cheque !!

Shrinking Sun under the gun

Aah !! Sun !!

I've always had a soft spot for that company. At a time when the others, now extinct, like NCR, Data General, etc. were trying to bully their way into any business going, the Sun people will calmly explain the techie aspects of their kit !!

I have always had utmost respect for their kit and their software. However, it's a shame that their marketing people got their pricing so wrong !! Some more realistic pricing will help their cause no end !! Having said that, their support engineers and people are wonderful most of the time !!

US hackette ponders jub-powered iPod

A little research...

@Glynn Williams - "So how much energy would you produce while running then?"

Answer: - Just have a peek at the staff photos of the El Reg 10th anniversary piss-up !! The delectable Miss Bee was certainly physically present; not too sure about mentally- what with the quantity of booze that was said to have been consumed !!

@Math Campbell - Is that a threat or a promise ??

@heystoopid - Nope !! Cos they're better able to defend themselves with their natural built-in coshes !!

UK abandons train and tube scanners

Scanners et al

@Dodgy Geezer - not true. Only dodgy geezers like them. Young men also dislike that scanners peering through their girlfriends' clothes and being leered at by dodgy geezers !!

@MarkMac - "Petrol prices (which are NOT controlled by the Govt, let it be noted) are a case in point." - WRONG !! In UK petrol prices *ARE* controlled by the government !! Just like cigarettes and booze. The majority of the price is in government taxes !! Brown could have solved all this "poor deprived people" crap by simply reducing the tax on fuel instead of pretending to be Santa Claus with one hand and taking it all back in taxes with the other hand !!

@Sarah Bee - Well, how about Labour-PF ?? And, no, they are breaking arms and legs; just hearts and wallets !!

@AC - "... imagine a terrorist who loaded a small van (trannie ?) with loads of fertilizer, and then detonated it whilst doing 90 on a motorway ..." - he'll spread self and trannie very thinly over a large amount of the motorway and the other drivers will just ignore the little bumps and get on with their journey !! Bombs only work when set off in confined spaces or in a directed manner (e.g. shaped charges) !!

Can we charge the Scots for all the damage inflicted by Brown in the poor English and Welsh ??

Singapore forum 'scammer' faces caning and prison

Re. caning

It is a well know fact that very,very few people can withstand the pain of more than three strokes of the rattan cane per session. Therefore, any sentence for caning is made in multiples of 3 !! Imagine, if you will, the sentence for rape being 24 strokes of the cane. That means *EIGHT* sessions of three strokes each. Just the anticipation of the pain to come will make anyone forswear any future misbehavior !!

Having said that, Singapore has progressed beyond its empire days !! It's become a fine city !! If you do anything the government doesn't like, you'll be fined !! SG$1,000 for littering, SG$ 1,000 for smoking in a public confined space, etc. !! Visit Singapore and have a fine time !!

Wind power key to UK's desperate renewable energy bid

Wind ??

gizmo23 - because you'll not get a lot of electricity from any blade that does not face South and the amount generated is so minuscule compared to the cost that this is an exercise in futility !!

As for the Scots, just cut their sticky fingers from London's well-provisioned purse and tell them to go spin on their windmills !!

Asda declares baby's arse 'pornographic'

WYPIWYG

Hey, guys. ASDA (as part of the gigantic Walmart empire) pay bottom dollar (or should that be quid) for their staff !! So what do you expect ?? Brains of Britain ?? Remember the famous IT saying about peanuts and monkeys ??

Spain plans 'human rights' for great apes

Well overdue time, too

Most of them are much smarter than our government !! At the very least, they learn from their own mistakes !! Alternatively, we can re-classify our government as "Non-human" and put them in a zoo somewhere !! Oops, sorry, I forgot that's what Parliament is !!

Think tank slams paedophile paranoia culture

Damn right !!

We should start sending these kiddies up the chimney or down the mines again !! Pesky little beggars !!

Gordo's DNA database claims branded 'ridiculous'

BEWARE !!

Big Brother Brown is watching you !! The George Orwell Appreciation Society should send a letter of thanks to Dear Gordon for making their favourite author's work of fiction come true !!

What hell hath science wrought lately?

Sundry comments

1) Since that "chick" looked like a cow to start with, that mutation is shurly not to the correct animal !!

2) Sod the European Space Agency. They just talk a lot and cost a lot of money and achieve absolutely *S*F*A* !! I'd put my money of Virgin Galatic to carry the British flag into space with the minimum of fuss and the maximum amount of publicity (you can trust Branson- SIR Richard, to you - on it) !! Perhaps he might even be en-nobled as Lord Richard of the Outer Reaches !! And since he (and his company) is British, all Virgin Galatic craft WILL fly on the LEFT, like all good Brits do !! Ameicans will be charged by the pounds-weight since they are mostly obese (it cost a lot of fuel to send all that lard into space, you know) !!

3) Trust me, there are *NO* monsters near Hangzhou Bridge !! No self-respecting, intellegent monster will go anywhere where there are millions of Chinamen ready, willing and able to carve him up for their latest culinary delight ! If you don't believe me, just any shark you can find in the South China Sea !! Since there are almost none, it just proves the point !!

Perot Systems buys into Ireland

Now the penny drops !!

I could generally understand the accents when a support call is diverted to Bangalore. After all, it's not that different from the ones around Southall. But BT support had me foxed !! Now I understand it's not an accent at all. Tis Irish they're speaking, begorrah !!

UK Carriers safe: Other war-tech ripe for the chopper

Considering that the Chair-borne army in the MoD....

....VASTLY out-number the total of the fighting troops, perhaps a mass slaughter amongst their ranks will save enough for all the new equipment needed by the fighting troops !!

OTOH, our troops could try strangling the enemy with red-tape !!

'Crazy rasberry ants' target Texan tech

@Shinobi87

No self-respecting anteater will want to be seen dead within a 500 mile radius of Houston !!

@Dr Dan Holdsworth >>usng female sex pheromone - I thought that only worked with horny teenagers !!

@George (Re: How to eliminate Crazy Rasberry Ants) - Use the standard American solution to any problem !! When in doubt, NUKE EM !! I'm sure Houston is no great loss. Plenty more where they came from !!

@Wayland Sothcott - Ssssh !! Why do you want to let out our secret money-making scheme for ??

Yahoo! strikes back at Icahn

Icahn is a corporate raider along the lines of the Barbary pirates...

... and much more ruthless !! He will strip the assets of any company he can get his hands on and he'll make alliances with the devil if it will get him what he wants. What's the betting he's in cahoots with M$ ??

Chinese boffins show off unbelievably tight ring

@Louis Cowan

If you stop f**king about with that bunsen burner, maybe you'd learn something about highly inflammable hydrocarbons !! Chemistry is great fun, especially when you can blow something up once in a while (hopefully by design) !!

Mine's the very scorched, full-body, asbestos-kevlar armoured suit, thanks

Swiss birdman in Alpine backpack-jetplane stunt flight

@Steve

The ME263 - Komet - of WW2 fame, did exactly that !! They launched off a dolly and landed on a skid, if they survived (1) the launch, (2) the climb, (3) the attack on the Allied bombers and (4) the unpowered plummet to the ground !!

Somehow, I get the feeling that if Rossy tried landing on a skid, he'll not feel like getting married any more !!

@Derek Bez - only if they carry surveillance equipment and/or offensive weaponry !!

@TeeCee - The supersonic version will not be available for the foreseeable future !! They are still working on a high-tensile belt to keep the pants securely fastened when passing Mach 1 !!

@bazza - Holland ?? Going head-first into a Dyke is not conducive to future good health !!

@Jim T - >>it'd be an awesome way to commute to work.<< - provided you don't try to land through the plate glass window of your office !! Glass shrapnel falling from 40 storeys up will not be greatly appreciated by the passers-by !!

UK's tallest bovine soars to 6ft 6in

@Alan Edwards

Grass skiing ??

@Scott Mckenzie - You pervert !! The only thing one can "milk" out of a bull....

Verizon lands 10-year deal to unify DHS networks

And the entire eventual network admin...

...will be Bangalored in the full and secure knowledge that the Indians are very chummy with the Russians who supplied them with nuclear and space technology !!

NHS IT four years late and over budget

@Chris jones

As the great Omar Khayyam said - He who knows not and knows not he knows not, he is a fool shun him !! Rather describes our civil(??) servants !!

@Giles Jones - What you are saying is akin to that of the water cooling system in the car is not working but, don't worry, the engine is still going great guns !! If whoever that idiot, and I DO mean Idiot, in charge of the entire project cannot see the broader picture by concentrating on too hard on the individual bits, then he should be taken out and made to sit with his bare bottom on an uncooled dual core CPU running at full use !! The smell of roasting nuts will soon convince him of the error of his ways !!

WTF are "Project Managers" for if not to manage the *WHOLE* project. Excuses are unacceptable !!

Jihadis: We turned hacked killbots against US troops

Why am I not surprised if it is even true !!

With the US's history on technological bleeding-edge military marvels, such a thing is all too possible !! Think of their laser-guided ultra-precision bomb that hit the Chinese embassy in Belgrade instead of its target miles away !! All those blue-on-blue or friendly fire incidences and this is all too possible !!

I suppose we'll next hear of their unmanned drones shooting up a bunch of marines or their Tomahawk cruise missiles that should have been called Boomerang because that's what they did !!

Google Translate speaks in (more) tongues

And then there's the original computer translation...

...back in the old Soviet days, the Russians wanted something that translated English/American into Russian. After a lot of effort, they finally got something and the first try at translating - out of sight, out of mind - came back as - invisible and insane !!

Back to the drawing boards, lads, unless you want a free holiday in nice Uncle Joe's Siberian resorts !!

HP pays $13.9bn for EDS

Just for your delectation !!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7403286.stm

As an example of the kind of "wonderful deal" that HP has acquired, the NHS IT project is an open wound that will carry on haemorrhaging red ink for years to come since it is a *FIXED PRICE* contract !! Four more years to promised delivery date, then more years to next promised delivery date, then ......ad infinitum !! BUT NOT ONE CENT MORE WILL THEY RECEIVE since they have been paid and NOT delivered !!

Ross Perot and the other shareholders MUST be bawling their collective eyes out all the way to their off-shore tax-haven Caribbean bank !!

What's the betting that a now-relieved Ross Perot will be up to his old tricks and challenge Barack Obama for the Presidency ??

@Michael Ortmann

You forgot about Dell and THE original, THE ONE and ONLY Texas Instruments, makers of the best selling chip in the world !! The TI9900 is the most ubiquitous chip in the world; it's in everything from washing machines and fridges to the bloody annoying musical(???) doorbell !!

As the prophesy stated - "In the last days, there shalt be WARS and rumours of WARS, and brother shalt turn against brother, and failing companies shalt purchase failed companies !! Thus spake the prophet as he puffeth on (still) Class-C herbs !!"

Burma 'Gone with the Wind', suggests Telegraph

@Mark Roome

Is it written anywhere on the McD's advert "Supersize me !!" ??

@Martin - you were right originally. They are almost always weak, pathetic things !! It's when the windspeed get to about 100 mph that one starts to get a trifle worried and windspeeds of 150 mph are definitely not unheard of !!

I was in HK once when it was hit directly by a big typhoon. The eye actually passed right over my flat. There were two tall buildings in its path that was supposedly typhoon-proof. One lost some 60% of its windows and the other lost some 70% of its windows, smashed and then sucked out by the vortex. The good news was that the more damaged building was the tax HQ and LOTS of filled-in tax return forms were sucked out and turned to mush. There was general rejoicing at that news !!

Maybe "tis an ill wind that blows nobody any good" but this trifling, 120 mph wind blew some people some good !!

MSI card-cooler 'inspired by weed'

@Eddie

Shurly you don't mean "clear as mud", given the slant of the article !!

UK.gov torpedoes personal carbon credit plans

@Herby

If you looked at some of the (special forces ??) personnel on parade in London last week, you'd soon realise that 100kg is nothing especially when considering their muscle mass !! Large lads, them !!

>>What is the carbon footprint of accounting for carbon footprints. - more than the original carbon footprint !!

@Slaine >>what carbon footprint might one trigger by napalming Parliament whilst in full session? - DON'T !! Please DON'T !! The carbon emission is as nothing compared to the toxic waste spewed into the air !! London will be uninhabitable for a thousand years !!

Re. Bootnote orders of magnitude.

>>But try explaining that to a bunch of project managers and spreadsheet trolls.

This is where real accountants should be involved !! The number of times that I have shot down in flames the "project managers and spreadsheet trolls" are beyond counting !! These creatures are so obsessed and fascinated by the figures in front of them that they cannot see the bigger picture. The cost of implementation, taken as a whole including the cost of manufacture,etc, is far, far higher than the actual figures produced by these creatures !!

However, in the words of Sir Winston Churchill - there's lies, damn lies and statistics. And all that these creatures can see are the statistics !! Eliminating all government sponsors and/or funded white elephant projects will save more carbon emission than 100 years of ordinary peoples' living !!

The cost of producing the materials for the Millenium Dome, oops sorry, O2 centre, is a case in point !! How much carbon was emitted in producing the concrete for that monstrosity ?? What is the carbon cost of all those NON-delivered and/or NON-working government IT projects, including the carbon and toxic cost of the hardware manufacturing *AND* disposal ??

This icon represents the effects of the actions by the rabid tree-huggers backed by a headline-greedy government !!

@Anonymous John - the carbon footprint of a torpedo

Well, first there's the non-ferrous metal casing to prevent the leakage of any magnetic signature. Then there's the motor/drive system, usually but not always electric. This usually involves a lot of ferrous material for the coils for the motor. This is followed by the "propellant", usually electricity stored in a BIG battery. Could also be compressed air in the case of gas-powered torpedoes. And finally there's the warhead and charge; two separate things really. The warhead may or may not direct the torpedo to where it can trigger the charge to maximum effect and the charge is a highly energetic chemical that releases all its energy in a fraction of a second !!

Altogether, it has a massive carbon footprint and makes the government effort resemble using an industrial steel-stamping press to crack a hazelnut !!

NB: - I have not known of or heard of a kinetic torpedo to date. The naval equivalent of the APFSDS (Armour-Piercing, Fin Stabilised, Discarding Sabot) anti-tank rounds !! The carbon footprint of the depleted uranium used in those rounds will make the most anal-retentive environmentalist loosen up instantly !!

The obvious point that everyone missed

What is this mythical "Average Person" (lets not be sexist - can be he/she/it) ?? A 80 cm tall, 30 kg kid or a 180 cm tall, 200 kg lard-arse ?? How do you calculate the food consumption of the "Average Person" and how does that relate to the (lesser) consumption of the kid or the (hugely greater) consumption of the lard-arse ?? What is the power consumption (and therefore, carbon footprint) for transporting each of the above over the same distance in the same vehicle ??

Should the kid over-eat and get obese or should the gross (both senses of this word) person starve ?? The list of questions is endless but I hope you get my drift !!

Answers on the back of a non-recycled postage stamp, please !!

EU IT commissariat has lightbulb moment over green IT

EU free resources

>>Perhaps there is a wax mountain lying around that could be used to reignite the European chandlery industry as well.<<

Yes, try looking in G. Brown's ears !! He can't seem to listen very well no matter who tells him anything !! You can start mining from one side and exit ther other. There's nothing to impede your progress !!

HP leaves Dell with an EDS-shaped hole

@TrishaD

You racist thing !! What have you got against Italians ?? Say - That will be 50 Italians, please !!

Oh, good !! One less bunch of scoundrels, oops, I mean consultants, in the market !! More to share around. Besides, HP has a history of groundbreaking disasters in the service areas - witness the HP PSO fiasco ! The HP/Compaq/DEC consulting arm !! Three strikes and they are out ??

ALTOS Origin - a world class consultancy ?? Tis the first that I've heard of that !! Now the other bunch of Froggies - them twins with headgear on - maybe !!

MoD begins full UFO-files public release

Shurly this must explain...

...the weird thinking and appearance of our current government !! Where do I sign up for the anti-alien guerrilla army ??

>>Given that *believing* in UFO's is a matter of faith - of course not !! The Vatican-approved astronomer, himself, said there ARE aliens, so it MUST be true !! We can't question the Church, can we ??

European manned spaceflight plan proposed

For the honour of Great Britain..

..we should be led into space by our government !! Can we pack the whole NuLabour government into a shipping container and blast them off into orbit ?? Please, pretty please !! No need for re-entry procedures. They can stay as a reminder for posterity !!

@Torben Mogensen - re. docking issue - no problem !! Just dock them nose to arse each time in 4 (four) equidistant spokes and then join them up to make a space wheel !! Spin up that wheel, and you have some gravity (well, centrifugal force, anyway) too !!

@ Lewis Page

>>the 340km-high station<< - I've heard of knuckle-dragging gorillas but a 340km space station ?? That must rate as a ground-dragging space station; even a space elevator !!

/pedant

The one with a calculator and a pin with angels dancing on its head !!

Samsung to demo next-gen, 240Hz LCD TV tech

@Asoces

Unless you are a fly with compound eyes, WTF do you want a 1GHz screen for ??

Royal Navy warships could run on sunflower oil - if fresh

Re. - Ethanol, Rice and bacteria.

How can you trust an organisation like the International Rice Research Institute that is HQed in the Philippines who, just happens, to be the worlds largest importer of rice despite having massive acreages under rice ?? OTOH, the Thais have been quietly exporting masses of rice for centuries to just about everyone !!

@Andy Bright - Horatio Hornblower, you are not !! :-)

@ImaGnuber - Prisoners = Landlubbers !! Not the best kind in open seas. Galleys and Gallases are shore-hugging ships that will wallow, at best, or sink, at worse, in the rough open seas !! That's why the Spaniards used tiny ships going to the Americas despite owning a large fleet of galleys and gallases in the Med. !! Furthermore, prisoners+rum = mutiny by drunken louts !! Water and hardtack, now, that's a different kettle of fish !! Add in a good dose of cat-o-nine-tails and you may get some work out of those scum !! :-)

Heathrow 777 crash: Siberian cold to blame?

@ted frater

Wave in a friendly manner to any Kondor you see going pass !! They're doing a job, same as you are !!

@Hunde Kotze - Yet another moronic China-basher who just refuses to see the facts even after they have been presented in the report !! Go and pray hard in your Creation church !! God might even grant you an extra brain cell if you try hard enough !!

Romanian and Turkish scientists turn circuit boards into oil

I remember...

... my dearly beloved grandma's servants trundling to market, each day, with a basket on her/their arm(s). They'll return with the basket(s) full of veggies and bits of dead animal(s) and one or more live fowl, in the other hand, feet (fowl, not servant) tied together and hanging upside down, squawking (again fowl, not servant) at the indignity of their position !! You can't get fresher chickens that when they are still squawking at you !!

One of the servants was recycled into a majordomo until her death and was then replaced by another recycled servant. Since I flew the nest after that, I have no idea what happened next.

No paper or plastic bags to recycle. The food was wrapped in large leaves and tied up with "string" made from strips of dried water weed ! Biomass was maintained by composting wrappings and strings !!

Nowadays, kiddies don't believe in Santa Claus any more and think chickens come from supermarkets, ready shrink-wrapped and minus innards, head and feet !!

Microsoft slams OEMs over XP SP3 install cock-up

The fun with unix...

...is in playing with the /dev stuff. DIY device drivers !! This issue comes about because the Chief Gestapo at M$ insist that everything HAS to go through the Registry !! This is what you get for desiring no-brainer installations !! In the days of yore when everything was set up by hand....

Re. - wrong image

>>If MS has known about this issue for 4 years, seems like that's enough time to put a fix in for it. Or is it too much to ask for a good customer experience.<<

Although I'm usually one of the first to bash M$, I have to say that however much M$ seeks to idiot-proof their OS, there will always be some idiot out there to prove them wrong ! It does not help when the company "that intends to challenge IBM" pays peanuts to hire monkeys as installers for their PC division !

As a sometime head of support, I'd have to say this is not a bug !! This is an RTFM case !! So no "fix" is needed. It is also "a good customer experience" for the HP people to learn to do things more carefully or get a good bollocking and lose their annual bonus for putting their boss eye-balls deep in the doo-doo !!. Perhaps they should outsource this function to a literate third world country and save all this hassle !!

Then again, kiddies these days expect everything to be handed to them on a silver platter; so what else is new ??

Fedora 9 - an OS that even the Linux challenged can love

@Chris Girocco

When dinosaurs ruled the world, I was at a computer exhibition in London and at the DEC (remember them ? snooty mainframe wannabes) stand. In that HUGE stand, at one end, was a system running an application that will automatically generate a "secure" password for you !! At the other end, there was a system running an application that tested your password for obviousness and reject those that can be easily hacked. The password tester rejected *EVERY* password generated by the password generator !!

Perhaps this password strength thingie is included on the same basis - FUN !!

@ James Pikett - I agree with Stewart Rice !! You just cost me a fortune in mental floss to cleanse the image of you kissing Bill and Steve from my mind !! Isn't there a rear-end of a cow anywhere near you ??

Taser gun usage soaring among UK cops

Oh, what shocking news !!

This electrifying information should reach a wider proportion of the population so they can be properly deterred. It is no use showing a laser rifle to a stone-age savage since he thinks his spear out-ranges you strange looking club !!