* Posts by Duckorange

48 publicly visible posts • joined 5 Mar 2008

Prince William 'day with my chopper' pics reveal more than intended

Black Helicopters

In other - completely unconnected - news...

Prince William is advertising for a new press officer


Higgs boson hunters have god particle in their sights


Comic Sans

The Font of Champions

Google machine-guns unpopular social products


They don't make machine guns...

...just the bullets with your name on.

Malaysia bans 'satanic' Man Utd kit

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As fatwahs go...

...this is the kind of thing we should all be getting behind.

Can they do something about Mick Hucknall next?

Sepp Blatter dubbed 'Bellend' by SA gov website

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Gone now...

...but thanks to El Reg, Bellend Blatter lives on.

Twitter on a ZX Spectrum


Sam Fox Strip Poker, BBC Model B

Excuse: I was sixteen.

BOFH: Forgive and forget

Dead Vulture

I'm beginning to see the benefit...

...of bringing a large shovel and a coule of sacks of quicklime to meetings in order to get things moving. Does this make me a bad person?

McAfee sued over third-party pop-up pitches



Ah, America, where you end up in court over $4.95

Ofcom lays out £400m plans for 2010


High speed broadband for the Olympics

Oh, how we laughed down in Dorset when we heard the plans to install high speed broadband for the Olympic Yachting in Weymouth & Portland.

Yes, we're going to be wired in with something faster than the bits of old string and old coat hangers we've got at the moment. But as soon as the circus leaves, they're rolling it all up and taking it back to That London.

Cheers for that, Sebby.

LHC particle-punisher in record 7 TeV hypercollisions


Trousers = slightly browned

This from my Twitter stream:


Coincidence? I THINK NOT

BOFH: The PFY Chronicles

Dead Vulture


Zombie BOFH neeeds braaaaaaainssssssss

Vodafone Twitterer takes aim at some beaver


I take there will be similar fury...

...at the dreadful Keith Chegwin gag underneath as well.

BOFH: Made of win


As a former national awards judge

It is my sad duty to report that these things aren't as straightforward as BofH thinks.

In short: All the judges get together for a meeting, then the sponsors decide who wins. THE END.

BOFH: Slab happy


*Looks up*

*Moves desk*

BOFH: Baitin' switch

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BofH: Final Destination

Right from the first paragraph I knew poor, dead Graham would end the tale as a red, sticky, still-twitching pile of dismembered body parts, barely identifiable as human amid the metallic carnage.

The joy was in the journey.

Sorry, I haven't put anybody off their lunch, have I?

Olympic builders hit with biometrics - local residents next?


Not just London

I live just a brisk boat ride across the harbour from the Weymouth & Portland sailing academy where the 2012 sailing events are to be held.

If a fat lummox like me can row a boat - what about highly-trained terrists? This can only lead to one thing: absolutely nothing.

Twitter hack spawns spam and scareware scams



Cyxymu is a (bad) Latinised rendering of the Cyrillic word Sukhumi, the capital of Abkhazia.

So there.

Zaphod Beeblebrox home sun 'shrinking', may have blown up


Quaequam Blag!

This is clearly Tharg the Mighty winding up a Rigellian Hotshot, as ane fule kno.

'Lunatic' Smith doubles ID card costs for Mancunians

Black Helicopters

It's all a bet...

... by the Freemason Illuminati elite to get a home secretary that is worse than the one before.

Take a look at the recent list of incumbants if you don't believe me:

Kenneth Baker

Ken Clarke

Michael Howard

Jack Straw

David Blunkett

Charles Clarke

John Reid

Jacqui Smith

Next in line for the job is a Hostess Trolley from the John Lewis list

BOFH: Aspie no questions


Thank you for the diagnosis

I knew there had to be an explanation for all those users I killed.

Said too much...

BOFH: A safe bet

Dead Vulture

Thank God you're back

Just popping out to bump off the 'Dull, dull, dull' crowd.

Pickaxe handle. Tin bath. Sack of quicklime.

Back soon.

UFO wind turbine prang site sealed

Paris Hilton

For the love of God

Marsh gas.

Planet Venus.


BOFH: The Christmas party

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Paintballs in the freezer

Why, why, WHY have I never thought of this?

Brits decline to 'think outside the box'

Paris Hilton

It's always worthwhile...

...to sabotage meetings that turn into Buzzword Bingo hell.

I once got away with "Let's hammer these ideas into the ground and see if the nice dog pisses on them" with only minor injuries.

Homework late? Blame Russian hackers

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Homework woe

I used "My homework's in the dog" only last week and got away with it.

I am 42.

Hitler had one ball: Official


Further studies reveal...

...that the Fuhrer was NOT a Benny tied to a tree, but he did have "Skill".

PETA cooks up gory game in Cooking Mama protest


Remember folks...

Meat is murder.

Tasty, tasty murder

BOFH: The paperless cafeteria


Life imitates art

I have recently found out that I am (genuinely) on Tier Two in our organisation's catering scheme of things.

That's Tier Two out of seven. It's tramp vomit, but they rinse it under a tap first.

Michael Crichton dead at 66


Hopefully, he was bitten by a mosquito

...So future civilisations may clone him in years to come.

Yeah, first class ticket to Hell, please.

BOFH: Radiating sincerity

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Great work

There was an ill-informed scare about CRT radiation in our office many years ago. The result of this was a handful of end users buying protective glasses (at twenty-five notes a shot) from a dodgy mail order company that made them look like they had insects' eyes.

Like this: http://tinyurl.com/twatspex

A stunning victory for the IT department.

BOFH: Fine detective work


I've got an old lock-up if that's any use

It's where I keep my old tin bath and catering-sized sacks of quick-lime, because YOU NEVER KNOW.

Jacqui Smith resurrects 42-days after Lords rejection

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And they'd never, ever misuse it

...Like, say, use anti-terrorism laws to seize the assets of a friendly nation.

BOFH: Unfriendly ghosts

Paris Hilton

Poor Jim the Boss

Satire, old bean, is something you either have or don't have. Guess which category you fall under?

eBay cuts jobs, buys credit firm


W T and indeed F

If it wasn't already, online tat bazaar eBay is now officially the YES! Car Credit fo the internet.

BOFH: The Mandelboat virus

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Ah, happy days...

...changing folder names for laughs and blaming a virus.

"But why is my folder now called 'Vinegar Tits'?"

"Who can tell how these people work"

Artemis Fowl scribe to pen sixth Hitchhiker's novel

Dead Vulture

I hereby volunteer...

... to take over the Flashman series before anybody else gets the chance to bugger it up.

Brown's website is Web2.0tastic

Paris Hilton

"Done, but with errors on page"


Extra-heavy minicopter 'Jetpack' astounds world+dog


Right, that's my jetpack sorted

Where's my monkey butler?

Jeremy Clarkson tilts at windmills

Black Helicopters

Echoing earlier posters...

...there are so many lorries on the M27 which have come up from the docks, you've got no problem hiding behind one as you go past the cameras. Unfortunately, as all three lanes are filled with either lorries or holidaymakers up from the New Forest, it is impossible to do any faster than 45 mph and prove Clarkson right or wrong.

DARPA plans soldier-tagging system for US troops

Dead Vulture

Doomed to failure

1. Capture US soldiers

2. Confiscate their tags, place in iron-clad, booby-trapped bunker and await rescue party

3 ???

4. Profit!

Russell T Davies bows out of Doctor Who

Paris Hilton

I see your Love and Monsters

...and raise you "Fear Her".

Paris, cos I fear her an' all.

BOFH: The PFY's comeuppance

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That's beautiful

A work of genius, sir.

BOFH: The Boss gets Grandpa Simpson syndrome

Dead Vulture

Them's were the days...

Of course, we had a Honeywell DPS4, and disc crashes were particularly violent decapitating-the-cleaners stuff of legend.

Wikipedia goes to court to defend defamation immunity

Paris Hilton

As ane fule kno

...calling somebody "dumb" is abuse and does not constitute libel.

You might have thought somebody in the publishing business would have known that.

eBay forces Aussies to use Paypal

Dead Vulture

After referring to The Register style guide...

Don't you mean "Online tat merchants eBay"?

'Patricia Hewitt' donates £6m to charity

Dead Vulture

As a freelance writer...

...I've always offered to turn the scammers' copy into plain English in return for a percentage. Strangely, nobody's ever taken up my offer.

BBC Micro creators meet to TRACE machine's legacy

Dead Vulture

My finest hour...

... was not achieving --- E L I T E --- status (which I managed on no less than three occasions), but hacking Samantha Fox Strip Poker so I could get to the money shot without all that boring gambling business.

Those were the days, and far from being educational, the Beeb was entirely responsible for failing my A-levels in 1984. And again in 1985.

Schools warned of chilling 'Strawberry Meth' menace

Dead Vulture

"Cake" anyone?

My Shatner's Bassoon needs its daily fix.