* Posts by P.Nutt

95 publicly visible posts • joined 4 Mar 2008


The most bizarre online replacement items in your delivered shopping?



During lockdown we were doing online shopping and the wifes grandmother wanted some rum and raisin ice cream. When the order arrived it was stated it was going to be substituted at no extra cost.......A bottle of captains morgan rum, some dried fruit and some single cream. I guess they wanted us to make it ourselves.

Did I or did I not ask you to double-check that the socket was on? Now I've driven 15 miles, what have we found?


Try a 6 hour round trip through summer traffic in the Lake District for this.

User - My Monitor is dead

Me : Have you checked the power?

User : Yes! The sparky has tested the socket and has verified the fuse in fine also.

Me : OK I will pop down with a new monitor

3 hours drive later I carry a 17" CRT up 4 flights of stairs

I am about to install new monitor and notice power socket is switched off - I flick the switch and monitor comes to life. I found out shortly after the user asked the sparky to check the socket and plug fuse which he did and verified both were OK, At no point did the user say to him this was because the monitor was not powering up and the sparky left everything the way he found it -plugged in and powered off!!!!!

I did learn after this call to ask a few more probing questions to users before arranging a site visit.

EE: Data goes TITSUP* for Brit mobile customers


Even with the issues, Its still working better than O2 ever has - At least where I am anyway.

Jocks in shock as Irn-Bru set to slash sugar and girder content


Lets hope its a very clever Ad campaign

Given Barrs history of having very good ads promoting this wonderful hangover cure I can only hope and pray to the gods of hangovers that this is just a brilliant way to get folk talking about the product and rushing out to A) Stockpile it (Have 20 cans still left from Xmas myself) or B) try it for the 1st time.

Och. Scottish Parliament under siege from brute-force cyber attack


Just waiting for Nicola to come out with the line "Under Scottish rule this would never happen"

First space Hasselblad goes under the hammer


Re: from the 3rd photo

The reason that the stars do not show up in the photo is that the stars are so dim that the camera cannot gather enough of their light in a short exposure. Our eyes are a lot more sensitive to light than photographic film hence you can see them standing on earth, but I bet you would have much the same issue taking a photo of them and having them visible - without using some really long exposure settings.

Cameras for hacks: Idiot-proof suggestions invited



Find out what cameras the Daily Mail use so you can avoid them at all costs.

No, pesky lawyers, particle colliders WON'T destroy the Earth


So How do they stop nature recreating the same experiments...

Seeing as the very same particles are slamming into the earth at pretty much the same speeds, the only difference is we are re-creating the environment here on earth and have a whopping big camera to gather the data from the impacts. Fact we are still here proves the point that the world will not be swallowed up by a back hole. Infact the densest matter we have in the story here is the pesky lawyers.

World's first selfie found on Wayback Machine


I claim my free beer

I have a selfie from 2001,

No ducks were harmed during the creation of said selfie.

Oh, shoppin’ HELL: I’m in the supermarket of the DAMNED


Sounds like Tescos. Another trick these self service monsters like doing is providing any change below the £3.50 threshold using only 10p, 5p, 2p and 1p denominations. I now walk to customer services and get the shrapnel exchanged into something which wont drown me in the event of me falling into a body of water.

Chewbacca held up by TSA stormtroopers for having light sabre


Re: How illiterate

Protecting my a$$!!! The fact they found someone stupid enough to sit next to a x-ray machine for 12 hours a shift proves in itself they are not the best and brightest America has to offer.

Forget phones, PRISM plan shows internet firms give NSA everything


Re: Doesn't anyone read James Bamford?

I am glad I am not the only one who has picked up this book.

'Secret Pentagon papers' show China hacked into Patriot missile system


Here is a soloution

Anything with confidential data on it, simply uplug the blooming NIC cable. Why on earth they were connecting to a web facing network is beyond me!

Nuke as hopefully they have not networked those as well.....DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME

Satanic Renault takes hapless French bloke on 200km/h joyride


So whats the guys problem?

If it was manual why didn't he just dip the clutch and put it out of gear and (prob) blow the engine, And even it it was an automatic can you not just slip the car into neutral and do the same?

Pope resigns months after launching social networking effort


Well theres your problem......

Alarmed at his 'it was the voices in my head that told me to retire' statement. Voices? Plural?

Opportunity celebrates nine years on Mars

Thumb Up

They got a bargain.

Can you imagine the cost of the rover if the engineers were told it had to survive 9 years on Mars and only use solar power so they got a major bargain out of the rovers.

UK way behind pack on broadband speed in Europe


Time for billing chnages

in this day and age anyone with a sub 2mb connection should be given broadband access for FREE. Then I will bet BT will suddenly do something about the crappy speeds here in the UK when 80% of broadband frees are suddenly lost.

Asteroid-mining 'FireFlys' will be ready for action by 2015, vows space firm


Its all fun and Games

Until some self replicating robot figures out they can make many more copies of itself and go and start digging up the blue rock 3rd from the sun.

ALIEN DETECTION was SUPPRESSED by the BBC - top boffin


Muppet BBC Management.

Yet another example of sheer stupidity. When can we stop being taxed to pay for these simpletons?

Craig, Connery or ... Dalton? Vote now for the ultimate James Bond

Thumb Up

Remember the film posters - "Sean Connery IS James Bond" ? Well, yes he was, and always will be. He had just the right look, particularly if you were already familiar with the books. Moore was an joke ("Carry On Bond"), Dalton and Brosnan were not all that bad and now Craig`s excellent attempt - Connery, however, is burned into our collective memory as 007, however creaky some of those early films now look.

He will always get my vote.

Mine is the one with "Made by Q branch" patch.

Sanitary towel firm's 'CEO' sets traumatised man straight


Title Space for Rent or Sale

Got to love a company with a sense of humour lol

Don't panic, but UK faces BLACKOUTS BY 2015


Re: maybe for england....

The amount of hot air Salmond produces on a daily basis we could power Europe.

Lets face it we are pretty much screwed if that idiot is allowed to run things.

Brighton marathon munchers banned from all-you-can-eat diner


I can sympathize with the manager. A local 'pub' does 'Indian' curry buffet nights near me. There are a couple of utter pigs who ruin the buffet there too, diving in and guzzling all the rice, beef curry, nanns, popadoms and bhajis as they arrive - to the extent that no one else gets a look in for twenty minutes and then rushing back when fresh food arrives setting up conditions for a no holds barred free for all for the rest of us over the scraps they leave. One of these herberts is known to not eat at all for 2 days beforehand so he can stuff himself stupid.

Boffins bone up on rover skills as Curiosity speeds to Mars


Good Luck

So either they will be driving a 1 ton bug around Mars in 100days or updating Mars maps for future missions to avoid the radioactive hole they left where the buggy impacted.

BT fibre-to-the-cabinet rollout penetrates 73 more exchanges


As with many

I get sick of adverts offering superfast broadband, speaking as a person (connected to the main exchange) who has never been able to watch iplayer or to stream internet radio without breakups.. Seems the folk with already superfast connections get faster all the time whereas the rest of us are stuck with the same crappy speed. Some of us would be happy with a stable 1 or even (god forbid) a 2mb connection just to use a few online offerings without it struggling!

So, what IS the worst film ever made?


The Fountain

I can not believe that during the weeks/months/years that this film was being written, filmed and cut that not one person stood up and said that it was a pile of pants!!

Its 96 minutes of my life I will never get back and still a sore point with the wife who took me to see it as I was getting bored shopping. To this day I have never complained about shopping with her ever since.

Flame as everyone one involved in this movie should burn in hell for it.

PETA claims anti-Mario campaign was a joke


PETA - For folk wih too much time on there hands

Lets not forget that all of God's creatures have a place on the earth...right next to the mashed potatoes.

/Mine is the leather lamb skin jacket

Ten... in-ear headphones


£470 Shurly You Cant be Serious

For headphones!!!!!!!

I mean, yeah the sound quality is probably up there with a choir of angels at that price but will the rest of us actually notice a difference (other than a big dent in the credit card)

'Up to' broadband claims out of control, says Ofcom



10% Increase in speed!!!! I have not ANY speed increase for 6 (count them) years and still lucky to get 1mb connection.

The internet to me is just for news sites and downloading Itunes updates (slowly). If anything Ofcom should have a minimum standard and demand that anyone on a <2mb connection get it for free. I sure as hell bet that would very quickly get the broadband infrastructure in most regions up to a decent level.

Mine is the one with the 3g sim in the pocket.

Stand by for more big, windfarm-driven 'leccy price rises


Screwed again

As a normal UK tax payer it is me who is getting it in the wallet from these eco hippy types who obviously do not even live on the same planet as the rest of us.

BT ramps up fibre-optic roll-out plan


<Title space for rent.>

BT Should really be revising there whole roll out plan. Forget about the exchanges where users are more than likely already getting 12mb+ speeds and speed upgrades every other 5 months. BT should really be getting there finger out and helping the mere mortals who are on sub 2mb connections (Ohhh even a 2mb connection would be a HUGE moral boost to myself and most others)

Just hope BT read The Register comments to find the true scale of the broadband speed divide which this country has. I honestly believe that I will be on the same crappy connection speed I have in 7 years time. Please BT give the rest of is a chance to see what the BBC Iplayer, Sky player, 4oD is really like!

Not a happy BT customer.

BT's fibre-to-the-premises trials hit duct roadblock


2 days!

For a decent broadband speed (rather than the 0.5 I am now getting) I would be willing to help dig the entire streets ducts if it came to it!

But my area is not on the list of any increase in speed (due to crappy cables and BT not wanting to touch them) so I will still be wondering what all this "Watch Again" stations are actually like for the next few years at least. - I would be happy with even 2mb and that's not asking much is it lol!

Latvian film fan pops cap in loud popcorn eater


I dont need no stinkin title

After the wife made me watch Black Swan I would have welcomed someone to have shot me and put me out of my misery!

Gatwick Airport security swoops on 3-inch rifle


They are all idiots

My wife and I were taking the kids to Disney Land last year and to keep our kids happy we had made them up play packs to keep them occupied and to stop them bugging us on the flight. Now the youngest decided to fire into his on the car trip to the airport and had came across the lego and made what every boy would - a crappy looking gun to shoot passing cars with.

During the pass through security this "firearm" was discovered and said he could not pass through with it. Now being the logical person, I simply broke up the lego gun back to its original pieces thinking the problem is solved.....nope my son now had a disassembled firearm according to the security. Where the hell do they find these guys!!!!!!

Thank you BAA for the pleasure of trying to explain to a 4 year old why his lego was taken off him....bunch or arseholes.

BT network goes titsup up north


Getting sick of this

Thats the 5th outage in so many months for me. Sadly I only have BT kit in my exchange and moving to another ISP will still mean the same crappy speeds due to BT's shit aluminum telephone cables they have in my area so I get less than a 1mb speeds on the main exchange. How about I pretend to pay you seeing as your only pretending to provide me a Internet service ffs.

I'll get my coat ready as I will be heading to the pub straight from work.

Steve Jobs chops student hack down to size


There's your problem!!!

"Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile" Is it any wonder Jobs told her where to stick her report!

Devil manifests in Hungarian bathroom


Yeah Right

Why would Beezlebubb/ Auld Nick/ The Prince of Darkness/ Peter Mandleson appear in a bathroom to watch a 50 year old Turkish woman take a shower <that would scare even the devil I am sure>. In the devils shoes I can think of thousands of places I would rather make an appearance.

Playboy centrefold freaks out at 10,000 feet


Title goes here

Lets face it there was no way in hell that door would open in flight due to the air pressure inside holding the door firmly shut. Only thing she has done is make herself look stupid<er>

Mine is the one with the hidden parachute.

'Rock star' spewed guts after emitting vast pearl necklace


What we dont realise is....

That it is really a intergalactic advert for a alien version of a fast food burger joint which is newly opened.

Council urges army drinkers to break the law


Common sense required.

As long as its a valid army ID I cant see any issues...apart from some anal landlord deciding use it as an excuse to stir things up at the council about there rules. Knowing what these guys and girls go through in Afghanistan (Have pals over there at the moment) I would happily shake and service persons hand and buy them a drink myself.

Waterfall Niagara speakers


Title goes here.

But I have a 3 year old and 1 year old in the house who are experts in finding the weak spots in ANY modern technology and destroying it so these things would be down to nothing more than expensive paper weights in no time.

Fanbois love sex toys: Official

Paris Hilton

Damm So its the phone!!!!!

And here was me thinking I had done something to deserver all the treats she bought for us to try out.

Paris......lets face it.

US attacks Europe's perv-scanners



So standing at security with what looks like a pensioners day out...The ONLY person who got asked at "random" for a scan was my blooming wife. Obviously the perv.....sorry security operative didn't fancy seeing a old lady to go through or a bloke for that matter. As long as there is a hairy arsed bloke who failed the McDonalds interview I am sure as hell not trusting these scanners and BAA's claims that my rights....maybe it should be women's rights will not be breached.

Mine is the lead lined jacket.

Opportunity rover breaks Mars longevity record

Thumb Up

Now could you imagine

The size of the rovers and the cost if NASA had originally given the brief saying they must survive 6 years on Mars. Sounds like they got a bargain.

Facebook sinks Lite



Why didn't Facebook not just pull the plug on Farmville, Zooville and Mafiawars instead, I have actually deleted friends who done nothing but play those games resulting in me getting pages and pages of crap posted.

Angry Romanian hackers deface Telegraph for Top Gear toss

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Have they ever watched Top Gear?

Name one country which hasn't been poked fun at by the Top Gear Team, Just goes to show you Romanians have zero sense of humour.

PS - To the Romanians : If you were watching a repeat of the show on "Dave" you probably would find they have cut the interesting local scenic shots which the BBC tend to show. So its all Daves fault :-)

Volcanic ash grounds dozens of UK flights

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@Sarah Bee

Dont let the gits get to you.

As for the volcano I cant see it being a bad thing cut off from Europe and the US.

BT fibre upgrades hit full speed



I am well impressed with the PR machine boasting more exchanges getting fibre, Pity they are none in the country I live in getting this upgrade. Hell I would be happier with better cable to my exchange let alone shiny new fibre like the folk down south get.

Pissed off fully at running less that 1mb for the last 10 years and no sign of things improving any time soon and I will not be holding my breath for BT to be getting there heads and hands out from fondling themselves to be improving my situation any time soon.

Heathrow security man cops perv scanner eyeful


This is only the 1st

How many of these pervs are taking mobile pics of said females/males/toddlers which we dont know about. Sooner these machines are scrapped...As I sure as hell dont trust anyone with access to a machine which can remove clothes.

MPs bash broadband tax


OK BT Here is the deal......

I will pay the 50 pence "tax" only if I can see a roll out plan of what will be upgraded and where.

I will bet said 50 pence and pretty much will be going to upgrade the easy to reach exchanges which has decent speeds already.

Call me cynical if you must.