Posts by Elmer Phud

Microsoft pulls Windows 7 balloons from Euro 'launch parties'

Not so sure about W7 now

If it takes half a dozen people, and by the looks on their faces, several attempts and a long night to install W7 I'm not sure it's worth the effort.

It wouldn't surprise me if it does take a hell of a lot less time and effort but it's the men that have hogged the keyboard and the women have the 'I told you four hours ago, but you had to try and do it the clever way' look on thier faces.

It's a look of relief on the men's faces and 'It's about fucking time, you twat' on the women's faces.

At least in the Euro version they are allowed to drink.

Met: We shan't scrap Form 696

Not NuLab

Grease Monkey -"The Met have caught a disease from Nulabour"

Nah, it's not much more than a paper version of the Suss laws. "Are you promoting an event where young black males will congregate.or music associated with young black males will be heard or performed? As we all know, all young black males are murderous gun carriers or crack dealers and the public's safety is paramount."

The form?

"Full honest disclosure forms part of the risk assessment and will not in itself jeopardise the event." And not filling in the 'voluntary information' ? Even if you are middle-class white with a disco at a church hall they have been known to veto the gig.

First they start having arbitrary 'noise levels' set by local authoritiies where some twat in Hi-Viz turns up and decides they don't like the music so insists it's turned down or else. Now they bring in the cops as extra muscle.

This is more Daliy Mail Twat-O-Tron(tm) territory "Are you affected by young people and thier music? Does the constant jungle beat upset you?" etc.

Orange predicts death of bosses and birth of P2P offices

Sir Clive

Didn't the One-Per-Desk (QL with extra bits) break the mould and shatter the entire 'going to the office' way of working?

NZ woman sacked for SHOUTY EMAILS

SHOUTY?

Past experience shows that many managers are prone to sending SHOUTY EMAILS as they deem the messages that IMPORTANT.

Generally they are usually mundane and tedious and have no real importance other than in the mind of the sender.

Fire at Google UK

It's a gas

Propane bottle on roof.

Barbie got a bit out of hand?

CRB looks to ID cards to solve accuracy woes

What a shame

I don't want to have an ID card - does that mean I'll have to give up all the voluntary things I need a CRB for? It's bad enough having several CRB's, using this an an excuse for ID cards is lame.

Poor porn protection hurt Firefox 3 uptake

Still learning to walk?

""Having something from your previous browsing displayed to someone else who is using your computer (or even worse) to a large audience of people as you are giving a presentation, is really one of the most embarrassing things that Firefox can do to you.""

FFS - if you are going to feel ashamed or guilty about your browsing then use more than one profile. 'Oooh, I can't bear it m when people glance through my front room window' -get some bloody net curtains then!

That or set up the browser to clear everything when you exit.

US music publishers sue online lyrics sites

Sing something simple

DavCrav

"And I'm educated by it, as opposed to the barely cognisant idiots who listen to songs like 'Smack my bitch up'"

Right, where do we start with shite lyrics? Beatles?

'Nothing to get hung about.'

Anyway, always thought that it was the music and production that made 'Smack My Bitch Up' such a cracking chooon. When you see teenagers these days still jumping around and singing along to 'S.M.B.U.' , years after it was released, you know it's a classic.

(most old classical was pure Stock Aitken and Waterman stuff, produced for a specific market, reins held by someone else and controlled by other people)

Office 2010 to come loaded with WGA's bastard child

Problems?

Yet another reason to go Open Office.

Fred Flintsone

"Outlook is the only remaining bit of the Office suite I use, forcibly."

Managed to install just Outlook once - but it also required loads of DLLs from Office.

UK population to abandon Midlands

re:Also

"They seem to have removed East Anglia from the UK. Perhaps it's been secretly colonised by Belgium?"

Not exactly, the map is a prediction so most of East Anglia will be submerged by then.

The number who leave the U.K. entirely are going off abroad as there are 'too many forriners' moving in and never, ever recognise the irony (old colonials that they are).

Yahoo! News confused on theft of Lego giraffe's todger

Come again

""It's a popular souvenir," a spokeswoman for the centre said Tuesday. "It's been stolen four times now ...""

Much more and Lego will be selling a Giraffe Knob set due to popular demand.

That and the version with little servos.

Walfamstow Cockney cash machine daffy ducked

Gaw blimey,'tis Murry Poppinz, guv

What a bunch of Nationals*

*that'll be as in 'national front'

US 'grooming robot' to reduce navy bottom-fouling

Curry night

At last, something to deal with having a foul bottom.

Shock jock blames Britain for hack attack

Link

Thanks for the link to 'Boycott Scotland'. Have updated my Faceache page to help with the cause.

Will the Merkins please be so kind to remove products from our shores to punish us. The passing of McD, KFC and Friends will be such a sad affair.

Yahoo! promises to abduct 'people' search from Google

new, improved?

"This design is going to transform the way you use the Web,"

Bloody hell, not that again!

None of these groundbreaking advinces in social engineering have 'transformed' anything - well, some have been transformed in to a pile of poo.

Need yet another icon - that of a pair of hairy bollocks for the same old bollocks.

(when are we getting web 3.0?)

Doctor investigated for posting inkblots to Wikipedia

@ asiaseen

Thanks ;-)

I spilt some tea and it now has taken on the resemblance of Christ screwing my mother.

Can the nut-doctors advise?

Anything that blows thier cabal apart by removing the 'witch doctor' effect is fine by me.

Is there really any difference between this and the entrails of chickens or goats?

(apart from the blood, guts and goat curry afterwards) or chucking twigs in the air or tarot cards?

'Pirate' as they are only after your money - "You need a course of sessions etc. etc.)

BT shifts network, blame to fourth party

Letting go

How many Opensore staff will be axed (sorry, redeployed) once the cable has gone elsewhere?

I just about missed the fiasco in the early 1990's (transferred elsewhere) and watched while all around were shat on by those above.

Internet junkie detox center claims US first

Booking places

Can you just turn up for a session or is it web-based enquiries only?

(I place these sorts of 'therapy' businesses in the same category as cards readings and mediums)

These pirates are only after your money - no matter how nicely they package it all up.

Trade body loses laptop full of driving conviction data

And cloud would be better?

Ah well, just wait until the Tories get in and put ALL our data up in the clouds.

Then it will be someone else's fault who 'loses' all the personal info and no blame on who put it there in the first place.

Unmanned German sperm dirigible 'to fly within days'

Are you sure . . .

. . . they're not re-making "Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask"?

Met trades truncheons for Twitter

Character limits have thier uses after all

At least they won't be able to Tweet a caution at you as the modern version is far too long. The original "You're nicked, sunshine" may make a return.

Les Paul dies at 94

The man who changed the world

To the man who gave us dub, thank you.

Without the electric guitar we'd might have ended up with the Theremin as lead instrument.

(smiley face as no leccy guitar =no Hendrix, Gilmour, Beck . . . )

Twitter is mainly pointless babble and other rubbish

Pope etc.

Has the bear finished with the loo paper out in the forest, yet?

London desperately seeking Strategy Boutique

So, that's where the money got to

Most will be spent on trying to sort out Boris's image.

Anyone for wiff-waff ?(but obviously not played by the riff-raff).

(Jimmy Edwards - at least he was only acting)

Boffins develop 'Hidden gateway to Hogwarts girls' loos'

Lester . . .

. . ."fist-eatingly turgid Billy Bunter/Meg'n'Mog combo fantasy platform"

Best description ever.

Boffins showcase do-it-yourself flying spy drone

Street View mk2?

Cool, now we can all annoy the neighbours instead of the usual 'Google shows my back garden' bollocks. Expect to see the cheap version in Maplin (O.K., not that cheap then) soon as they keep spamming RC copters and small CCTV.

Man gets 3 years in prison for stealing IDs over LimeWire

Wide Open

"Wood would search the hard drives of LimeWire users for files that contained words such as "statement," "account" and "tax.pdf." "

If Limewire (and other sharing S/W) users open up thier entire machine for the world to see it's no surprise that others will root around looking for interesting things. It's like offering up your CD's on a shelf at home for friends to borrow and then leaving your front door open for others to root through the rest of your house.

At least put the CD's in a box just inside the porch door and leave the front door locked. ( but stop labelling 'Our holidays in France' as 'One night in Paris')

As usual it's not the IT angle but the 'knob on the keyboard'.

Boffins test cancer-stinging 'nano-bee' swarms in mice

Jeff Noon

Blurbflies

Bill Gates-funded boffins develop anti-AIDS stealth condom

Surplus to requirements

Chris Thomas Alpha "in order for one child to survive, you must have 5 of them. 4 of them will die, so better to have more than let them die than to have 1 and have no family to further your genes by."

Yup, we've just moved on a bit from that over here in 'civilisation'. We don't need to fill the mills with people anymore. We've got to the point where the BNP are worried about a falling membership due to natural selection.

I wonder if the Vatican has a certain song from the Meaning of Life as music on hold?

MoD website outflanked by XSS flaws

MoD response?

Rather than saying 'Oops, we screwed up. thanks guys.' The MoD is more likley to bleat on about hackers and criminals etc.

Tories plan health record giveaway

Been here before?

Is this part of the same idea as The Grey Shagger's 'Public/Patient's etc. etc.Charter' cobblers?

Or is it part of the decades-old plan to link up the health services then 'lose' the data as has become the done thing recently?

Astroplumbers fix US space superloo

All Cisterns Are Go!

Sorry,

won't even wait for coat

Music industry busts jukebox piracy scheme

@ Andrew Moore

Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ.

I'd expect at least quality downloads - and the different recoding levels sorted out before expecitng others to pay for the 'priviledge' of a DJ.

As for video jukeboxes -- nice idea, self-contained box - hard drive, menu system, loads of music vids, coin mechanism. Can't be too much to set up, vids cost nothing.

Wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of the 'business men' who run the operatoin.

Freecom adds RFID to HDD

Can I . . .

Add it to my Oyster card?

Vulture Central unleashes RegPad™

Well 'Ard Drive?

Owing to the pliable nature of the device will there be the usual 5TB fag-packet sized drive in weapons-grade titanium?

Slapping a cow-orker in the pub with a floppy computer is O.K. but there are occasions where a matching blunt instrument would be more appropriate.

(Also easier to hold for Ms Campbell)

'Metal muscle' memory-alloy robot flapper bat shown off

Useless things

Send these in to the battlefield and they won't get far.

According to traditional Hammer films, all that's needed to distract them are a few women in diaphanous gowns tied to a rock.

As soon as they are close enough, it's the garlic spray and they are finished.

Google polishes Chrome into netbook OS

Cloud Cuckoo Land?

It looks more like getting people to use the 'cloud', to connect to the web quicker form Faceache, Docs, Sheets etc.

No masquerading as a separate browser then, just the same as opening up your desktop to run as IE.

Sounds like not so much an O/S but a proper 'netbook' as you can't do any work unless you're connected. Google are having wet dreams and we may be about to get . . .

Phorm phading phast

"Evaluate"

Once Virgin have quickly 'evaluated' the fading dust-trails of other ISP's there will be no surprises as they scamper off in to the sunset.

Looks like the Phorm season is over

Ofcom top of Tory deathlist

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss

'We will get rid of these wasteful bodies and replace them with specialists in the field and advisors" ? Are we getting back to John (shagger) Major's 'Citizen's Charter' cobblers again?

Tory plan for MS, Google, others to hold NHS records floated

You're all going private

"We're thinking about how in government the architecture of technology needs to change, with people 'owning' their own data, including their health records.""

This would be all the people then 'cos, as we all know, everyone has a computer - especially the elderly. And what happens when you can't find the data? You don't get care and they won't care - not thier fault.

Ian Michael Gumby "At best, Google claims that no 'human' will look at the records. "

You're right on that, "No human that we specifically employ will look at the records"

SFX of hands being washed

Police headcams burst into flames

Title?

Cop-Cam Conflagration Conundrum Confirmed.

This would be far better viewing than the cop-cam stuff on telly where they set up a heavy-duty 'raid on a drug dealer' and get a couple of spliffs and a needle.

Spam levels bounce back after botnet takedown

Return to 'normal'

I'd noticed a recent increase of messages where I was always remided that if I could't see the image then I should click on a helpful link.

That and winning some money on a lottery (I hadn't entered) where the contact address ended in '.ru'.

I guess someone's got to do it, there are still plenty of suckers out there.

Glasgow unbans Life of Brian

@ March Hare

But how should we fuck off, o Hare?

DARPA hands BBN $30m in evil 'Machine Reading' plan

Instant News

"reading the internet and reprocessing it"

That would mean the end of the tabloid hacks who do thier reporting from Starbucks.

I bet Uncle Rupert and Dirty Desmond are already interested in the outcome.

But maybe not the end of the reg hacks -- someone has to do the dirty work and actually 'read' the things.

There is also the question of seeding the net with even more but deliberate total bollocks.

Owners say iPhone 3GS is a scorcher

App Problem?

Does this heating begin during the use of the 'Onan' app? The one where you rub it back and forward to make it moan and groan?

Humberside koi carp rustlers trawl Google Earth

Sounds fishy to me

"Police Community Support Officer Sam Gregory insisted the evidence points to the dark hand of Google Earth. She said: "Google shows what is in your garden and you can see people's ponds. One of the properties targeted has an eight foot fence and is set back from the road."

And not through local newpapers, fish fanciers, local gossip?

Many Koi keepers share info, what's to say the fish felons haven't used such info?

Most Google images for the UK are not that detailed so you can spot the fishes.

iPhone grows boobs at last

Ai, Ai, Ai phone

Definately the Jizzers Phone

Spanish court in favour of topless celebs

Beach

"enjoying the beach without a bikini top"

Apologies to all - I read that in a fake Spanish accent.

I shall go and castigate myself now.

NASA unleashes Moon-attack probe

They are going to break it

It seems the latest fad is to fire stuff at the moon just to see what happens.

Someone -somewhere is going to say this is harming the moon and upsetting the natural healing waves that eminate from the sprits deep within.

That or it's gonna crack like an egg and the Soup Dragon will be as homeless as the Clangers

But please don't break it in two, one period a month is enough for us men to suffer.

(doesn't stop to get coat but just keeps running)

Spanish bar invites customer abuse

The joys of internet translation....2

Not one of the online translators I've found agree with each other.

It must be fairly good then.

My favourite:

"It hears, he-goat, put me a prostitute beer or I cut you the male prostitutes eggs, dickhead of the prostitute shit"