Posts by Elmer Phud

Google Chrome OS mauled by Richard Stallman

forgot something?

What about 'Chinese manufacturers have installed control chips to all thier hardware'.

Feds probe '100 site' data breach

Average

The average customer is easy prey for 'register here for free stuff and games'. Offer them some free burgers and shakes and they will give you thier life details.

BBC Online ordered to be more 'distinctive' as cuts kick in

Ordered?

Is this some sort of order from some government appointee such as Martha Lane Fox?

If so, I dread to think what 'distinctive' means.

McDonald's breach bares nuggets of customer data

Forget Facebook

This is the sort of place where punters are happy to leave personal info.

There must be thousands of similar databases out there ripe for picking -- that is, if they haven't been already . . .

Anonymous turns attack drones against fax machines

The difference is?

Fax machine = scanner, modem, printer, processor, memory, display

Naked cemetery man was simply photographing orbs

Cupid Stunt

"Hurst said he'd only intended to take off his shirt, but before he knew what was happening, he'd shed the rest of his kit."

'And then, suddenly all my clothes fell off. But it was all done in the best possible taste.'

US Army: Judge Dredd smartgun in every squad from 2014

Bayonet?

Nah, there's a boxing glove on a long spring instead.

Microsoft wades into interwebulator chat about Hotmail

1st choice?

It's never been my primary email. It's sometime used for registering (though I've another account for that) but mainly used as my Facebook email account and NOT linked by sharing address lists etc.

Going via Firefox with AdBlock means not much in the way of adverts - anything from MS just gets ignored. It's my primary webmail account - not sure even if I've got a Gmail one -- though it wouldn't surprise me if I did.

It's really used to separate my 'real' life from the 'me' on the web.

Apple chap knocks up ancient Lego computer

Please don't . . .

. . .it'll just get them started on bleedin' Atlantis and angels and all that bollocks (again)

Primary school miss flashes porn vid at kiddies

Do I hear the sound of Billy-Goats Gruff?

as per title (but must try harder - not enough outrage)

you an' me baby ain't nothin' but mammals . .

Bloody hope so.

Ad man offers fine drugs and finer print to Macbook thief

Alternative prize

Instead of a bag of unspecified 'fine' weed (no seeds, no stalk) which would be illegal, how about offering an equal value rewards of papers, baccy, bong etc.

This would allow the lucky finder of the Mac to purchase thier own weed - sort of free of charge as the rest of the makings has been provided.

Pro-Wikileaks hacktivistas in DDoS dustup with patriot contras

A matter of time?

"Some context for the online teacup "war" might be provided by the tiny size of the Anonymous volunteer botnet compared to today's heavyweight criminal bot networks. There wasn't even an attempt to actually attack PayPal, just its corporate blog."

How much does it cost to rent a botnet for a few hours?

Alan Sugar's 'cockup braindead in call centre clueless' BT row

printed sheet

I think it's all on-screen nowadays - you can't get to the next screen until you've managed to tick the right boxes.

Police back ends must be slimmed, says Home Sec

But wasn't it what they wanted?

I thought the police were supposed to be spending too much on the front line which was why the police stations were closed. IT was to be the big thing. That was after various activities that involved a fair bit of police overtime.

Now the same peope who started the front line cuts are back and may need to spend a bit more on front line overtime again.

Latest botnet rankings: Rustock still mother of them all

Speed check

When doing customer support on Broadband one of the things I used to check when people reported slow connections was the traffic. We were always told that we should only check things like line quality and similar stuff but I often saw a lot more going out than coming in.

Bearing in mind you'd usually expect domestic customers to be downloading all sorts of stuff rather than sending out, combined with the likelyhood of a lack of adequate protection and the habit of clicking on anything I reckoned it was a fair chance they were busy spamming away merrily without knowing.

But, being on the wholesale side, all I could do was send a note to the ISP with a vague suggestion that one of thier customers might, possibly, by chance, etc. etc. have an unwanted guest.

It was pretty common to see but apparently not a real issue that belonged to any party but the customer - and it's their machine. And most people haven't a clue, relying on the security that came with the machine but was never paid for to keep updating.

This morning I spent a while cleaning up someone elses laptop - it had more infections than after a week in Ibeza. They'd got a 'spyware remover' they couldn't remove, it was just the beginning . . .

Tehran conscripts Ninja masters to crush democracy

Rubber bullets

Rubber -or similar - is on the outside but frequently there is a metal core.

Major Facebook redesign, smoothed-off Zuckerberg unveiled

yeah but

Only if you put the info there to be copied.

Running with minimal or false persnal info is common with Facebook. The way people go on about 'privacy' you'd think it was obligatory to also supply a verified DNA sample, a full family tree that goes back 200 years and your credit card number and PIN.

woe is me the world is faling in etc. etc.

meh

Minister 'C*nt' promises £50m to get fabtastic fibre for all

Not BT

"second wave testing of market tests for superfast broadband from May next year - local groups have until April to propose new tests."

It means that there will be £50 spent on advertising that HM.Gove is spending money on asking about asking about fibre.

It won't get as far as BT, HM.Gove will spend it on medal polishing.

WikiLeaks dubs Amazon 'The Cowardly Liar'

torrents

Plenty out there - Wikileaks site maybe offline but loads of people spreading it about.

(please don't mention 'virus' or 'trojan' - you just don't open torrents without scanning, simples)

Popular sites caught sniffing user browser history

Get what's coming to you

"...but I just can't help thinking if you go to a site called YouPorn, you kinda deserve everything you get..."

Hmmm, nice . . . .

Mass mind control artist condemns El Reg to obscurity

on and on and onan onan onan

tosser

thumbs down

There seem to be a few out and about - note some of the 'thumbs' down here and there.

No actual fanbois - they haven't managed to get over the spluttering and coughing yet -- but they will all be noting down names and text to report to thier masters in due course.

We are the enemy/enema.

Horror AVG update ballsup bricks Windows 7

Awfully Vast Gunk

Having had issues with AVG ever since the 2011 'update' I was going to do a wipe and reinstall.

Since AVG 2011 arrived it's struggled to connect to the update servers, argues with the Firewall despite manual intervention and AVG's discussions are full of people with sreious issues with the SW.

Yesterday I downloaded the 'remove AVG completely' file and the 'recommended new AVG' release but hadn't got round to sorting it out.

Now I'm not too sure whether to just remove and bin AVG and go for Avast - which I got rid of a while back as it behaved a bit like AVG does now.

Or there's MSE.

I don't really mind whatever I end up with as long as windows stops bloody telling me the latest update is out of date despite me having done a manual install.

AVG has turned in to the bloatware I was escaping from -- bah.

SMOKIN' HOT BABE gets job as computer geek

Ken?

Ken is unable to spice up anything.

As my girls said when they were very young 'How come Ken doesn't have a willy?'

(which, when you think about it , is two questions in one.)

'ALIEN' LIFE FOUND in California

Galaxy song

"So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure

How amazingly unlikely is your birth

And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space

Because there's bugger all down here on Earth"

Feds pursue Russian, 23, behind ⅓ of ALL WORLD SPAM

Mind your language

"a 23-year-old Russian as a prime suspect behind the operation of the infamous 500,000 Mega-D botnet, blamed for an estimated one in three spam emails prior to a take-down operation early last year"

Ah, that must mean he was sending out spam while still in nappies -- well, it would account for the spam I got years back when it were just 'ladies wishing to make your aquaintance' and knob-pills.

could be worsererer

AT! LEAST! IT'S! NOT! A YAHOO! STORY! AS! WELL!

HOW'S! YER! HEAD! NOW! ?!

BURNING LUST for SEXY BUSTY BLONDES - Science explains

That'll please the EDL

Is this the proof the neo-Nazis need to pronounce the Aryan Race (whatever the fuck that is) is the Real Thing?

But this is not exactly new stuff from the Nipponese Nutter.

I can only assume that Kanazawa woke up in Basildon sometime and thought he'd gone to Valhalla.

Can we have a 'huge load of bollocks' icon, please.

Cuffed Oz bank Trojan perp aiming to bleach his hat

Led astray M'lud

"after developing an obsession with computers that started with playing cyber fantasy games to excess from the age of 14"

Yeah, right.

I'm now living in fear of thousands of teenagers taking up Parkour and knives seeing as they've been at Assassin's Creed for a few years now.

LG kicks off work on quantum dot TV

confined?

There's always the 'infinity pocket'.

A bit like the capacity of Eric Cartman's arse but as part of your trousers.

Cryptographers crack system for verifying digital images

pwnd

well and truly taken to the cleaners

I'm not sure which is the best picture - the iPhone or the Statue of Liberty

(icon needed for 'laughed my tits off')

Wikileaks: Berlusconi useless, Pope Catholic

Of course it's bleedin' obvious . . .

. . . but then so were the emperor's new clothes. Everyone was shit-scared to say so until some upstart foreigner opened his gob

.

Canada steps closer to legalising sex work

Xmas

Santa comes early for Canadians?

US woman @theashes stumped by cricketing tweets

Erm, wrong icon?

Hate to do the pedantic thing here (Oh, no he doesn't).

There is an icon to use in such cases, its' the one with Jimmy Edawrds on it.

hth lol etc.

Mozilla rages at MS, Apple and Google's 'trojan horse' tactics

Not sure myself

I kind of read it as 'I've installed various programmes and they have extras that link to another programme. I'm annoyed as I've interpreted it as an intrusion on Firefox".

The plug-ins came via the other progs not from Mozilla so he's narked.

Did he just go for 'bog-standard installation' or 'expert'?

He's not complaining about MS Office linking itself to everything Windows - though you don't get an option.

Lone hacker theory in Wikileaks DDoS attack

As if .

As if just doing a DDoS on Wikileaks will have much effect.

The data has already been copied elsewhere - the Guardian f'rinstance.

Jester? \\' 4 /\/ |< 3 /2 is more like it.

Reg hack tickled by Kent schoolgirl

umm, can't think of a title

So, they're not toe-rags then?

Stuxnet code leak to cause CYBER-APOCALYPSE NOW!

Terrrrrists

I assume then, from the same people who bring you Faux news, that my dishwasher and washing machine will soon be controlled from Iran/Iraq/China/Israel etc. etc. and they will subvert the toaster and microwave in turn.

Never again will I be able to go to the kitchen at night unarmed.

The central heating will either be on full or nothing and I fear for the safety and sanity of the DECT phones.

Private Fraser was right, Sky News(?) is right - we're all doomed!

Indian village bans single girls from mobile use

'Hmm, sounds good' . . .

. . .says the Daily Mail reader, 'keep them in check and stop them gallivanting about'.

And would most likely also approve of any severe beating that the girls would get for having an illicit phone. Boys? Nah, never, they are real men of the future, what the country relies on.

Boffins bring us one step closer to a quantum network

When?

Now, yesterday, tomorrow, year before last, never, always - It's all quantum, innit.

"Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully uses the term dismissively as a catch-all phrase summing up all he finds distasteful and annoying in this new-fangled magic they're "discovering" and "inventing" in the High Energy Magic Building at Unseen University. "Hooray," he mutters, sourly, "here comes another bloody quantum..." "

Lspace Wiki

NHS enables Facebook to track surfers on health info website

El Reg

El Reg could most likely do the same, your ID is active when you click on 'thumbs up' or 'thumbs down'. Easy enough to pull the stats and compare over time to get an idea of the users being Macfanbois, political leaning, how often they comment on sex-based articles, how often they cut and paste Facebook-based comments and so on.

How do we know they don't do this already and pass the info on to Facebook?

What with them building baloon-released spy planes etc. I reckon they are actually a part of the security services (or Mormons or Scientologists or CIA or Mossad or (please insert own pet conspiracy thoery here) )

and your point is . . . .?

Took a few posts before the inevitable bleating.

You use Facebook? -- hypocrite!

You don't use Facebook? STFU!

Pumpkin pie could prompt Thanksgiving sexual free-for-all

and 'mom's pumpkin pie'

It really does say a lot -- possibly more than they'd like.

"Yo mama . . ." etc. etc. Oh, and 'motherfucker' as well.

The country that bought us the term 'MILF' - though we never knew it was thier own mums.

Boris bikes for all from next week

Your own icons?

Could do with a moderators 'FFS!'

As a cyclist I was waiting for it all to start and all the bollocks (from both sides) to begin.

The article is about Boris Bikes not 'all cyclists are pavement murderers' nor is it 'all drivers are homicidal maniacs'.

Please take it over to the Daily Maul where there is usually one of these threads running.

Of Kuwait and DSLR cameras

maybe

Maybe it's more to do with them not wanting tourists recording the conditions of the construction workers who are treated as slaves and housed in squalor.

We can't have anything getting in the way of the image of properity and wonderful buildings, can we?

Sex abuse fax leak costs council £100k

why?

Maybe it's down to cutting IT funding that they had to use the fax as it's all they've got.

Maybe the public's money needed spending a bit better.

Maybe it's the person who stopped development of IT that needs to pay up.

Rogue apps 'worst Facebook feed malware baddies'

Really?

"one in five items on the news feeds"

Hmm, not on mine -- I'd say about zero.

In fact I've yet to even see a dodgy link on my newsfeed.

Maybe, just maybe, it's down to what people subscribe to rather than a blanket spamming of newsfeeds.

And maybe, just maybe, the clue lies in "Romanian-based net security firm BitDefender"

Facebook is once agan getting the same sort of flak that used to be attributed to email but it's still down to users to click on things or to reply to things they've not read through carefully.

The sky has not fallen in, the four horsepersons of the Apocalypse are still in the pub.

Facebook royal rant bishop suspended

Bashed Bishop not knob jockey

Yup, the bishop is getting bashed for sticking his head out.

But it is true -- those bashing the bishop are indeed wankers.

UK.gov insists e-petitions won't be ditched

but it's still there

I'd have thought that the site would have been one of the first to go had DaveyBoy considered it to be not worth it. But it seems that the typical Labour bollocks must serve a purpose after all.

It's there so people can rant at it and think they are taking part in some form of democracy. If anything, it's exactly what the Tories would have done as one of the parts of the Big Society con.