Posts by Elmer Phud

Belching cattle apocalypse menace sniffed in cowpats

There's a law against that

as title

Texas cinema texter becomes foul-mouthed movie star

You what?

Are you happy to sit in the cinema while all around ypu don't give a shit about what's on the screen? If you don't want to watch the movie - why the hell are you there in the first place?

This, as you wel know, is not a case of 'jobsworth' but of someone who can't give a shit about other people and then has the nerve to grumble publicly when informed that there are actually other people sharnig the same planet as them.

I can only assume you will also moan about some football (that's soccer to anyone else) 'fans' being ejected and arrested for thier continuous racist chants during a game. That their 'rights' to watch the game' have been breached.

meh, indeed

New 'liquid smart metal' can go hard or floppy

Agree - not exactly new

"switch from being strong and hard to soft and squashy at the touch of a button."

That'll be your mum just about to open the bedroom door . . .

wanted - yet another icon , the "And it's not even Friday yet" - maybe a pool of pavement pizza?

Cameron calls for ISP-level parental censorship tools

Education is the key

Just like I would not let my kids roam the streets without a bit of 'green cross code' or which areas not to go to in the evenings I worked with my kids to make thier surfing safer. I didn't just go 'Hey, here's a computer, here's the internet, off you go'.

Telling kids not to talk to anyone just increases paranoia - how many kids get lost at the seaside but are unable to ask for help putely because of thier 'decent and proper' upbringing.

They asked about stuff. We discussed stuff, they were left to surf, to play, to discover the world around them, they approached the world with open eyes - not blinkers on. They are now a lot more grown and not damaged goods. They were also told that climbing trees was fun but to remember the way up and asked not to fall out.

Your flame is a lit fart, nowt more.

Why?

It's because they are an Xtian organisation where mothers are revered, held on pedestals but eventually regarded as whores who tempt honest men in to doing the wrong things.

They are a sham, just like those who are apparently 'advising' on birth control.

When you look at two UNELECTED Xtian organisations getting power things become a tad worrying.

Next - man with white pointy hat given post for Cameron's drive to integrate diverse communities.

Jesus is not the answer to it all.

Gov fails to have knowledge of itself on websites

Job fer the boyz?

I was wondering how many quangoes are required to be set up to get the new department (quango) running and how much the buggers will be paid.

It needs another department to investigate this fully.

Windows 8: Microsoft’s high-stakes .NET tablet gamble

thank you

use it or loose it

Virgin IT dept shocked by donkey-shagging Taliban

I.E.D.

Internal Examination of Donkey - but when it lets go ,it really lets go.

(donkey jacket)

Hackers say Acer breach leaked data for 40,000 users

not coincidence but not conspiracy, either

What may well be happening is that we have reached a point where it has become fairly easy (for some) to use recently developed tools to get in to systems.

If it's likely to be military then it won't be announced by the perps but those affected, no bragging rights as you'd want to stay hidden for as long as possible.

If it's commercial espionage then it's a similar scenario.

If it's break ins to find personal info and/or embarrass the site owners then publicity is what's required, either for brownie points to show how simple it was or for some sort of political point to be made.

Like burglary, there is a difference between a careful job where you don't want to leave evidence and are selective or there's the brick through the window and make off with the obvious stuff.

Tools change according to the job in hand, tools evolve and make life easier but some people still leave the keys under the doormat.

'maybe it's (uh) just a change of climate' (James Marshal Hendrix)

Student suspended for posting random satire on YouTube

Nanny?

Schools have a responsibility towards thier pupils.

Schools are often taken to task for not looking after the kids.

Parents frequently absolve themselves of any responsibility once their kid is in school and shit on teachers for not controlling their child.

The 'Nanny State' (something must be done, won't someone think of the children etc. etc) is what they are actually demanding but scream like fuck when it applies to the way they are found to be shit parents .

Lenovo to swallow German PC giant

cheep and cheerful?

With most cheap packages they often fail in the keyboard and screen department. (I'm still using a small but heavy duty Compaq keyboard as I'm heavy -handed)

I've considered getting an Aldi special while aslo realising that there has to be something cheap and nasty or it wouldn't be cheap - you don't go to Aldi and expect M&S food.

I'd get rid of at least half the bundled software as I'd already be using something similar but free and possibly better.

I do wish Medion would have slighly larger cases for thier memory sticks , they are cheap but I keep losing them

Gov 'skunkworks' to develop e-petitions system

When is a Quango not a Quango?

When it's not set up by the oposition.

Student geeks build Rubik’s cube solving bot

Geeks?

Shirley they are 'Student Boffins'?

RedBubble’s Nazi trouble

Hmm

How did 'The Producers' get on in Oz?

New Sony hack exposes more consumer passwords

Need to leave the house

and get more popcorn - this looks like it's gonna run longer than StarWars

Gamers celebrate full return of PlayStation network

Yesterday's News

And toddy we find it's been pwnd --AGAIN!

Singing Duke set to Nukem dead

slight correction

I was referring to the comments on here and other Duke related threads.

What may well be adults getting all gooey at the thought of a pair of on-screen knockers seems to be driving them, not 'What's the game like'.

Perfume

The more perfume they splash on the product the more I smell shit. Why all the hype if the product is any good?

Don't people just download porn if they want a wank or is it more acceptable if the tits are in a game format. So far I've seen nothing but 14 year olds creaming themselves at the thought of some possible pussy in a game. They seem to have forgotten about any gameplay or that they have been hooked like fish drawn to a spinning lure - 'trolling' I believe it's called.

Francis Maude goes back 110 years for cybersecurity strategy

AA

And once speed limits were introduced the AA was born to warn drivers of nearby cops.

I suggest the first flag sent by any comms devices should be a red one - that'll keep him happy.

Russian computer programmer buries himself alive

Mugs

Sellplenty of $t John's Wort and you can move to $t John's Wood

Mac trojan evades Apple's brand new security fix

test?

Nope, it's existing users - not new ones.

People get a license and belive that's all the need, they are now expert drivers and can drink as much as they like, ignore warning signs and generally not give a toss.

Legislation is generally to be ignored, insurance, tax, MOT are something for other mugs to pay out for. There is no need to learn how to go round corners, just find out how hard the right-hand pedal can be pressed.

You can't take a license away from someone who's never had one. Ban from driving? only if they are locked up. Points on what license?

Stupid is as stupid does and doesn't need a bit of paper or three to do it.

Police ROBOT attacks and BURNS DOWN HOUSE

Nero?

Nero is now a FIFA official, he's given up the evil cackling and pyromania but still loves the fiddle.

What is UltraViolet™ and why should you care?

competition - old story

They've tried that with cable TV and it didn't work. Gave access to all and sundry to dig up the roads. Thousands of miles of green pipe, dozens of different companies and it all ended up with just a few majors. Someone got Virgin installed next door yesterday, the footway box and ducting were both pretty much empty - and it's been like that for years. Where are all these customers?

The infrastucture is already there - how about LLU on the green boxes -- Virgin? anyone?

BT already invested in local infrastucture and it was 'liberalised', where are all those companies that were given free rein to provide cable?

Why the fuck should BT do anymore when they actually were forced to give up local UG some time back and with that came all the redundancies and shit that went with it.

Anyway - which bit of BT do you mean, the 'liberalisation' that the rest of the industry cried out for gave us the split. Opensore doesn't have many workers left, Wholesale Chaos has been stripped of staff and subbed out to India. It's what 'the public' demanded and got.

Now, how about going for the real leeches - those who demanded changes and failed to act once they got them?

BT is a private company, it's what you all demanded, you've got it, now stop acting as if it's still part of HM.Gov 'cos it ain't.

Biodegradable products are often worse for the planet

The long view

Doesn't it all end up getting squashed down eventually?

(Not that there will be any humans around in the few millions of years it takes to produce oil or coal or gas) I wonder what the layers would be like.

Wave of Trojans breaks over Android

So , what's new?

If they are using the standard 'click here for tits' ruse then where's the problem?

Unless, that is, people are mug enough to somehow assume that what happens over in MSoft territory can't happen elsewhere.

Anti-virus isn't what's needed it's a slap-app that spots such links and turns the Android device in to a short-sharp-shock machine.

Engineering students design tent for camping on Mars

wilful intent

The fee collector is a native chappie - goes by the name of Marvin.

He has a ray gun and is not afraid to use it (but has a lot of trouble with Wabbits and 'Duck Dodgers of the 21st Century')

El Reg pays by phone – mmmm, free cookies!

Visaphone?

Can't we just call it 'The Boris Phone'? --

He is their main advertiser, after all.

3D printer produces working house keys

Brick Mk1

plus crowbar V2.145 will do the trick.

'A bit of the old inout'

It's worse than that, Jim

HM.Gove will convince themselves that next week someone will be using a 3D fax machine to remotely send keys to a 3D printer.

Or t'Mail will have found someone who wants to do 3D versions of the 'photocopy tits or knob' game.

Or the Taliban have found a way of faxing IED's.

Don't tell me it couldn't happen, there's every chance, we are doomed.

Apple ships removal tool for Mac-menacing malware

Big Jobs

'Trust in my and my products and you will remain unsullied and pure. The devil will not enter your iDevice.

Now, let us pray: "The Mac is pure, the Mac is holy, the Mac cannot be attacked by forces of evil, we are safe and pure and clean anywhere, everywhere and anywhen."

I wonder how many Mac users were packed and ready for the Rapture[tm].

(icon of Troll with coat required)

Space shuttle Endeavour's long journey is over

Or

Or until they can outsource it to India?

Pentagon: Hack attacks can be act of war

Face-off Book

"Oi, Are you poking me? Any more of that and I'll unfriend you!"

Government plans cyberweapons programme

Eh?

"Harvey added: "Cyber is a new domain . . . " "

Oh, it's a Govermint Minister

Sony restores PlayStation Network in full

Additional bet

"While a few areas in Asia will still have features missing "

Which is to be first - it all going back down again or those still concerned about security getting an answer?

Hackers pwn PBS in revenge for WikiLeaks doco

Keep it up lads (or lassies)

The US military wanted to just bury (literally) Manning and have tried all sorts of things to keep the ball rolling. They are becoming increasingly concerned that Manning is being shown to not be a superhacker or bent on world domination but someone who was reckoned to be unsuitable for the job he was placed in.

So they try and use other tactics to run smokescreens - FUD hasn't worked so now it's time for ridicule.

BUT the tools used for the latest attempt to throw the US public off the trail have been found wanting and with very poor security. Another tool of the Mighty Right was found to be blunt and useless. US Military is becoming desperate.

Dr Xym - you have been pwnd by the US, welcome to Disneyland.

CEOP announces 'record results' in child protection battle

Jobs for the boys

"we know that we will go into that future with our brand, purpose and operating model intact. We have government endorsement for that and we have stakeholder and partnership support like never before – CEOP is very much open for business"

'Brand' WTF - this current mob in Downing Street were crowing about getting rid of useless Quangos. Is anyone thinking of the children or just thier own fucking pockets?

Is this like 'Over the past year numbers of terrorist suspects were arrested (but we're not telling you that only three were actually charged with anything)?

Cloud in 2011: A bright new dawn...

yeah but . . .

"So basically you need to have redundancy of cloud suppliers if you move your critical operations into the cloud. Once you have that redundancy it becomes less important if one of the cloud suppliers fails, so you might as well move back to renting co-location space from different suppliers in different locations using different internet backbones. At least that way you can make your own risk analysis / mitigation plan and bargain with your suppliers on price/quality."

By the time the brown stuff contacts the air-circulation unit the cloud competitors you were thinking of using have been taken over by the first lot who have 'centralised resources' and what seemed to be an option is actually running on the same farm with a different label on it.

First comes the innovation, then comes entrepeneurs(sp?) and the fast buck crowd who don't give a toss and only see money.

Shut down smaller server farms, relocate to a more 'understanding' economy (for a few months) then do a runner. It's the next 'property ' boom, if they can get away with it.

Repackaged snake oil?

I was asked if I could update a tiny website I look after for a youth group, bring it up to date and all that stuff. Looked around at similar sites and found that most looked better, more 'modern' but that was where many had stopped -- 2 or 3 years since the content was changed rather than the pretty side of things, empty pages - the standard half-built, rarely touched CMS sort of thing. Ours - functionally it's far better than most but doesn't have bits of Script flying around and looking pretty.

Some bright spark mentioned "Cloud - put our photos in the cloud ".

"What, you mean put the main photos on a remote server and provide links and thumbnails locally?"

"Yes, you've got it"

"But they've been on Flickr all the time with links and thumbnails on the local site, it even says that in the text."

"Yeah, but that's not 'Cloud' is it?"

"Oh, what is?"

silence

Chicago lawyer deploys distractionary dumplings

Make your mind up time

Either she's not a proper paralegal or her breasts are there purely for distraction purposes.

Non story unless the complianant makes his mind up abotn that he's actually protesting about.

Next week -- Objections as a well-turned out man is objected to as he might distract the jury?

Sexism, alive and well and the judge needs to give Gooch a fucking slap.

Modern Warfare 3 prompts hand-wringing, chiming cash tills

Anorak mode

There are places on the tube where there is quite a bit of space.

Mainly the places where they used 'cut and cover'.

But, yes, it's not yer standard movie-friendly underground rail network. I'd like to see them try 50mph on the bendy section coming in to Euston form Camden Town.

Naked cyclist streaks through Suffolk village

Does this mean . . .

. . .that when our kids were really little it wasn't the simplest thing to do by just getting in the bath as well. I had no idea that being nekkid would traumatise the little dears - even though small children tend to spend most of the summer with no clothes on.

Yanks officially recognise the word 'boffin'

British?

Yup, done that.

Went through a load of 'Proper English' words for the benefit of a racist.

He got pissed off about 'Denim' as well. (didn't have the heart to tell him that 'computer' is an occupation, his head was already crimson. Also didn't tell him that 'The Pub Landlord' is a parody, a piss take, a shining example of all that's dumb with the Proper English)

Speak too soon?

They are already working on 'mobe'

not to be confused with . . .

. . . boffing.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/boffing

McKinnon's mum applauds Obama extradition stance

Aunty Terry

The Home Secretary will make a statement - as soon as she's ready for the cameras.

I distrust people who seem to care more for thier appearance than the people they should be caring for. (No I'm not sexist - it works for all genders)

She is a pin-up girl for the Daily Mail audience.

Groundhog day: more Sony breaches

don't come the raw pwn with me

Nah, Sony are happy that so many of thier customers/addicts either do not read much news or they 'know' that it won't affect them. People have paid for access and after a couple of days doing nothing were clamouring to get back on no matter what.

Sony are keeping this as low as possible because the noise of selfish contentment from the blinkered who are back in thier troughs(must sort out my mixed metawotsits) is drowning out the sound of others - like the japanese governenment - going 'Hang on a minute, what was the issue and have you actually fixed anything?'

It's like snow here in Blighty, mno-one gives a toss until it cancels 'their' train.

Brit expats aghast as Denmark bans Marmite

Arms are up in protest

No, not 'up in arms' - I'm boycotting Danish porn.

Engineering student cracks major riddle of the universe

free electricity

Well, it wouldn't reach the floor but the resulting revolving cat could be mounted to a generator.

Who said there wasn't a perpetual motion machine?

LinkedIn cookie vulnerable, claims researcher

Filter time

I've knocked up a filter that dumps anything with 'LinkedIn' in the message.

The messages were either (apparently) from people I know but have no desire to become part of thier spam list or people I don't know at all.

I don't get to see the messages anymore.

Google slips open source JPEG killer into Gmail, Picasa

Luxury

Maybe it's because not everyone is as fortunate as you to have high speed connections and fat hard drive. Maybe it has something to do with the way that websites are no longer being constructed carefully with a view on loading times but have reached a 'chuck it in, everyone is on ADSL2 at least'.