Posts by Elmer Phud

Wacky 'baccy making a hash of FBI infosec recruitment efforts

Clean?

So, you've done the interview now it's off to the bar with the interviewer.

Maybe, just maybe, the reason some of the bright young things seem to have an insight is 'cos they get stoned. Artists, writers, musicians, creative coders . . .

Cisco reboots PC with $1500 'Scandafornian' Android fondleslab

Cisco kid

Slow day at the office?

Not one mention so far of 'Cisco' and 'NSA' and 'embedded'?

Drug-dealing game Weed Firm tops Apple's App Store charts

mostly harmless?

"something we're sure pretty much never happens in the broadly male, rather wimpy world of the weed smoker."

Hmm, 'Assassin' may or may not be directly derived from derogatory terms for hashish- consumiing bandits but I wouldn't want to argue.

Beam me up Scotty: Boffins to turn pure light into matter

Re: Get your tin-foil hats here -- at these prices I'm cutting my own throat

I beleive the origin of 'trolling' is that of a method of fishing where something shiny is dragged through the water to see what gets hooked.

Fortunately, the tin-foil hats on sale are also perfect material for tying on the end of a line.

Get your tin-foil hats here -- at these prices I'm cutting my own throat

So, if they create matter are they also creating anti-matter somewhere?

Isn't there a chance of:

An explosion that kills us all/sends us to a parallel universe/makes a black hole ?

Unexpected anti-matter appearing and killing Angels/Unicorns ?

Rapid enchancement of global warming due to (whatever can be thought up on the spur of the moment)?

Picture special: LOHAN makes fire in the sky at 15,000m

Re: Oops...

" rigid mount for the end-plate"

I say, old chap, steady on a bit there.

We got flame stuff!

Baconur - smoked it!

Toot-toot. Intel pulls up in the connected car of the FU-TURE-TURE

Arguments

Police report the multi-vehicle collision was caused by several operating systems refusing to play second-fiddle in the auto-cloud of twenty cars.

So far there is nothing to support the rumours of an older car running a version of XP SP1

Welcome to Heathrow Terminal, er, Samsung Galaxy S5

Just another re-labelling

Corporate re-naming

"Here's a load of money - now you are my plaything and I have got a great bargain on advertising."

The only thing left in London that our wonderful Mayor hasn't had re-labelled is City Hall, but, seeing as you never see him there without a Costa cup it's only a matter of time before it becomes Costa City Centre.

Re: Share and Enjoy

What?

I don't understand!

Where's the tea?

Google staggers toward BEEELLION-dollar Twitch gobble - report

Amused

I am amused as a friend who rants about NSA and the like posted this to me as soon as he saw it.

He's a GoogleFan and loves anything Google yet fails to see the irony.

NASA preps flying saucer ballocket flight

and anyway . . .

. . . I keep reading it as LSD

Bound to fail

Not a single mention of a brave Playmonaut!

Crypto-guru slams 'NSA-proof' tech, says today's crypto is strong enough

Dracula

So, what he's saying is that it doesn't matter how many bolts and locks you have on your doors, there's always some daft bugger who will invite a Vampire in for a cuppa.

Urinating teen polluted 57 Olympic-sized swimming pools - cops

Re: dead animals: yes @JetSetLim

Bright and Beautiful?

"All things dull and ugly,

All creatures short and squat,

All things rude and nasty,

The Lord God made the lot.

Each little snake that poisons,

Each little wasp that stings,

He made their brutish venom.

He made their horrid wings. . . .

. . .Each nasty little hornet,

Each beastly little squid--

Who made the spikey urchin?

Who made the sharks? He did!"

etc

Re: Homeopathy?

" I don't see anyone having walloped the reservoir "

That's a new one to me

Re: Nope

Crivens!!!

FSF slams Mozilla for 'shocking' Firefox DRM ankle-grab

Eh?

Does everybody only use one browser?

'My house is on fire m8 lol' ... 911 texting tested in the US

Meanwhile . . .

So, you've made contact an an ambulance is on the way -

"We realise your call is important to you and we are doing all we can to ensure you have the best service possible. While you are waiting the arrival of our customer support vehicle, here are some pictures of cats."

Philips lobs patent sueball at Nintendo in US: Seeks to BAN Wii U

Plumbing new depths

A new Mario which will mean Wii U's being sold

Phillips go for a cash grab

coincidence?

Boffins 3D-print biomimetic shark skin

Re: Scientists spend money discovering already known facts?

" If they're giving money away for old rope"

'Old rope' was sections of rope that had beeen used for a hanging.

Sold by the hangman, proces varied depending on who the hangee was and the hanger was.

Oh, and if this world is a mess - it's OUR mess, we made it so stop grumbling.

Portable toilet mistaken for killer Nork drone

Bog-standard tech

"Then again, what do I know about Nork's drone tech"

The have been experiencing issues with the prototypes.

They've got the collection and storage of explosive gas sorted out but the designers still want to use the vent pipe as the rocket tube.

Designers, not always being the sharpest of tools, forgot that in order to aim the device it would have to be upended to point the ballisticbog in the right direction.

However, this new direction in explosives research only came about when a military observer overheard a quote from the Python movie Holy Grail and took the quote to be a challenge from the SORKS that hinted at a some sort of widespread distribution of anti-personnel gas.

ULA says to blame SpaceX for Russian rocket rebuff

Re: So the KGB not as good as the NSA

" tit-for-tat butthurt contest."

They are going to take turns shagging each other until one gets sore?

Leave out the 'butthurt' homophobia - there's a dear.

If you can't think of anything esle - either you need a larger vocabulary or just shut it.

Charity: Ta for the free Win 8.1, Microsoft – we'll use it to install Win 7

Mine looks more like XP 'cos that's what I was using at the time.

Moto E pops up with £89 price tag – alongside new LTE Moto G cuz

Fisher Price?

As someone who has yet to move from bog standard £15 Nokia with PAYGvoice and text I've been looking around at places to dip my toes in the the murky waters of 'smartmobes' and the Android/Windows/i arguments.

Despite being a W8 user (mine now looks like a posh XP) it looks like I may become a Googlewhore.

The G could be 'My First Grown-Up Phone' (but I'd never get rid of the El-Cheapo)

Our Reg reader 'mutt's nuts' dictionary is le chien's biens

Re: This article does feature my favourite (and only) welsh word

which would make a mess of the mutts nuts if put on high for a few minutes

Boeing shows off 7-4-heaven SPACEPLANE-for-tourists concept

Yer actual 'space'?

Well, that makes a change from the other pointless tourist buses.

An MPV that is also used as a courler van is far, far more useful instead of an ego prop for the Bearded Messiah.

Boffins debunk red wine miracle antioxidant myth

Re: Obvious nonsense

"Dietary and Medical advice oscillates from one peer-reviewed, journal-published finding to the EXACT OPPOSITE peer-reviewed, journal-publish finding with a period of about ten years. This is a disappointing truth."

Erm, no.

It's called "Science" -- it ain't Gospel, you know.

Indian climate boffins: Himalayan glaciers are OK, thanks

Re: Alarmists, get in line!

Oi, you missed out

Cold War part 2 - Ukraine not be serious!

Re: Is 0.2pc "NOT MELTING?

Papers today tell us that the Antarctic ice is receding.

Yesterday was told that ther inner bit is getting colder.

don't fancy the Himalayas warming up -- them bodies will get a bit ripe.

Internet of Stuff: Cleaner washing, more milk ... fewer COW FARTS?

Re: ARMed Cows

Should be linked to a collar with LEDs on it.

The LEDs will show the angle of cow lean and flash red just before tipping point.

Droid malware cloak outwits Google Bouncer and friends

standard tin-foil hattery

but if the 'better mousetrap' was made the mousetrap industry would fold.

it is a conspiracy from (erm, blindfold-pin-list) BIG PHARMA (must be in caps).

Greenwald alleges NSA tampers with routers to plant backdoors

"At this point I trust Huawai a lot more than e.g. Cisco and other American manufacturers..."

I wouldn't - I trust both sides to be equally snoopy.

I do wish they'd stop trying to bash my backdoors in, though.

Stop bullying SUPER FAT GODZILLA, urge movie stars

'Partners'

Slim Jim

Snickers

Freal milkshakes

Red Robin gourmet burgers

nuff said

Canuck cops cuff teen suspect in swatter-for-hire case

Matilda

"That Night a Fire did break out-

You should have heard Matilda Shout!

You should have heard her Scream and Bawl,

And throw the window up and call

To People passing in the Street-

(The rapidly increasing Heat

Encouraging her to obtain

Their confidence)-but it was all in vain!

For every time She shouted "Fire!"

They only answered "Little Liar!"

And therefore when her Aunt returned,

Matilda, and the House, were burned."

Supposedly secure Dogecoin service Dogevault goes offline

Is there problems in the tulip fields?

Re: What did the Doge do?

"This has got something to do with the pellet with the poison being in the vessel with the pestle, hasn't it ?"

Nah, it's all about the sanity clause

Dixons tells HQ workers: Yes, that IS a creaky trapdoor you hear. You're at risk of redundo

Consult?

"entered into a period of consultation"

Why do they insist on calling it 'consultation' ?

All it is is a period of making sure the box under the desk is kept ready.

Get BENT: Flexy supercapacitor breaks records

road runners

How about the tyres themselves?

Britain'll look like rural Albania without fracking – House of Lords report

Re: Red Ed

"Red Ed"

wtf?

NHS patient data storm: Govt lords SLAP DOWN privacy protections

Discuss?

"the Tory-led coalition government will be discussing "regulations . . ." "

They should be well past 'discussions' by now ffs!

UK.gov tweets now national treasures! – National Archives

Re: Will they be archiving the YouTube comments?

I would reply in a form similar to YouTube comments but I guess it would be one of those rare occasions of the mods stomping on a post.

Chucking cash at sport and broadband starts to pay off for BT

I'm a bit peeved as when I plugged the lappy in to my telly via an HD cable in order to sit down and watch the MotoGP the bloody player decided it didn't like the 'input'? and went off to sulk.

Eventually got some pics but not on the big screen.

Traffic light vulns leave doors wide open to Italian Job-style hacks

Traffic slow?

Here in that London our Mayor, Boris the Johnson decreed that the green phase for pedestrians at crossings should be reduced by two seconds.

A man who has never had to wrestle with small kids and a baby buggy at the same time.

Brit chap weaves silver bullet for wireless health scare bollocks

Re: Fake Snake oil

No, not at all,

Genuine 100% snake oil.

Only the best.

" if you wear these you're very unlikely to be bitten by a werewolf."

Bitten where -- exactly?

In these modern times of Twighlight and the rest, a werewolf would be expected to go for a bit of rumpy-pumpy as well as ripping heads of enemies.

SEC to investors: When dealing in Bitcoin, don't get suckered

Andrews Sisters

"He said, "Are you truly truly truly

Truly truly truly truly truly mine

With a kiss she sighed "forever"

You can hardly blame them,

You would do the same in

Tu-li tulip time! "

ENTIRE UNIVERSE created in supercomputer. Not THIS universe (probably)

Re: Wonderful

"Rotate relative to what?"

Rotate relatives to different homes each Xmas to avoid getting the drunken uncle once a year.

"Shouldn't a simulation of the universe be measured in cubic light years?"

Only from our point of view - other lifeforms may have thier own measurements (dependng on the number of handily available dimensions) - and anyway, what the hell are you doing trying to introduce cubic light years to the Reg?

We need a better unit than that.

I mean, what's a cubic light year in comparison to the space in a politicians head?

One is far emptier than the other but contains a lot more bullshit than a cubic light year.

Hey sailor, fancy putting your hands all over a NeRD fondleslab?

Book list.

With the contents of the slab being pre-loaded is this a pre-cursor to 'education' in Blighty?

(and will they bundle both the Bible and Koran together under 'fiction' or 'fantasy'?)