* Posts by Tom Austin

38 publicly visible posts • joined 31 Jan 2008

Minister admits thought crime is on the agenda

Tom Austin

Guy Fawkes

"The last man to enter Parliament with honourable intentions."

I used to think it was just a sardonic toast to irony.

Pro tip: Don't include SEC lawyer in your $4.6m botnet scam

Tom Austin

Yeah, well.

Well, nice to see the SEC doing something that they should. Of course, bit late as far as the rest of the world-wide economic carnage of bilking that they could have helped prevent, or at least publicly highlight, is concerned.

But still. Two perps down. A start, maybe?

Designer BMW PC unveiled

Tom Austin
Paris Hilton


Just lovely.

PH, because occasionally I'm sure she's lovely too.

Minister trashes ex-spook chief's liberty warning

Tom Austin
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V for Vendetta icon...

...or a Big Brother icon. Hurry up, please, Reg people...

Amazon unveils Kindle 2.0

Tom Austin
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Meh. For what's meant to be, in the end, a (replacement for a) book?

Still kinda sold on the Sony.

Red Dwarf finally returns to Earth

Tom Austin
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Take a big hit...

...from the inky Despair Squid, folks. If the last three series signified anything, it's the law of diminishing returns.

I'm off to stare moodily out of the observation dome, hoping I'm wrong.

Satyam boss 'invented' thousands of staff

Tom Austin
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It just...

...all gets better and better with these clowns, doesn't it.


I'm off to start measuring up some cardboard boxes and a nice dry-ish bridge to sleep under until this whole global corruption thing all blows over.

Rapists should be raped, declares Jordan

Tom Austin
IT Angle

Some kind of...

...automated rape machine that the to-be-punished rapist gets strapped onto?

There's your IT angle. Of a sort.

First-ever pics of lunar polar crater interiors released

Tom Austin

My God...

...it's full of craters...

Kirk's Khan nemesis beams up at 88

Tom Austin
Paris Hilton

The icons are all going...

Ricardo Montalban, RIP...

Patrick McGoohan, RIP...

When will this all end?

PH, as an icon that will, inevitably, go too...

Tories pledge high speed broadband for all in 10 years

Tom Austin
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@AC: Vote for me.

You've got my vote too, pal. Who ARE you?

Except for the last point. Am quite happy for prisoners to be utterly zonked: happy / docile prisoners mean less trouble and strife for prison guards (I know a few).

Tell Santa to bring more assault rifles

Tom Austin
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@ phil

There's always one, isn't there?

And today's inevitable blow-hard -- employing CAPITALS to point out yet again that we should always be grateful for all eternity for something that, um, didn't actually quite happen that way -- happens to be you. Congrats.

Sigh. I'd suggest read your WW2 history books. Or maybe read them again -- properly, this time. Assuming you do have books. Books about WW2 in particular. That you can read. But I doubt that would be useful. Hell, I doubt you'll even read the responses to your "cordial" bollix. I certainly doubt you'll read this far.

So perhaps I'm just venting. Oh well: ah, that feels better. On with my day.

Hitler had one ball: Official

Tom Austin

Soviet autopsy

Sorry, potentially pig-ignorant question here: wasn't Hitler's body burnt, along with Eva's, after a dose of petrol had been poured on both of them?

Was there really enough crispy Hitleric remains for the Soviets to work out how many balls he had (or hadn't)?

Would have thought all fleshy stuff would have been burnt away by the time they found him. Or did he burn out before the balls got barbecued?

Just asking.

India draws up own Google Earth plan

Tom Austin
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Idle comment...

Jim the Bo$$ owes me a clean keyboard and a fresh cup of tea. (Ceylon, of course.) Brilliant.

Amazon UK pulls Scientology exposé for 'legal reasons'

Tom Austin
Black Helicopters

Yep, let's order it, make it a best-seller...

...unless, of course, this is a cunning sales stunt.

Still wonder to this day why a sci-fi-based tax-dodge is still taken this seriously by its adherents. I mean, am I right in having gathered that it's basically about alien-being Thetans, trapped in volcanoes by hydrogen bombs? Seriously?

(Also, why hydrogen bombs in particular? What's wrong with basic atomic bombs? Or more hi-spec nuclear / neutron? Is there some kind of specific blast yield that only hydrogen bombs can deliver? Confused.)

Black helicopter because I think black helicopters are cool. No other reason.

Anal whitening biz drops one million clams for Vibrators.com

Tom Austin

@ Big Pete

I'm with you on this -- up until this morning, I had NEVER heard of anal whitening cream. My life, strangely enough, was not the poorer for it.

Now, however, I'm just pondering, disturbingly, the mental picture of someone whose job it would be to check, grade and, I assume, probably apply the afore-mentioned product.

Stop sign because, if this is where your job is fast-tracking you towards...

Skiving Aussie fingered on Facebook

Tom Austin
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...for acknowledging the 'epic fail'. When you're caught fair'n'square, be honest/open about it, it gives you grace. Of a sort.

Serial troll bitchslaps Reg hack

Tom Austin
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I for one welcome...

...our data-mining database overlords. With or without a 'where' clause.

(Sigh. Come on, someone had to.)

HP and EDS kill nearly 3,500 UK jobs

Tom Austin
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@Webster Phreaky

Hello? Relevance? WTF?

Sorry, my poor clown-like mind cannot see the connection...

David Blaine tw*tdangle ends in controversy

Tom Austin

British mobs

British mobs -- I love 'em and their outright disdain for wankers.

I especially loved the radio-controlled helicopter with a sandwich dangling off it, buzzing his stupid bloody cage by the Thames.

There was meant to be a flash-mob to shine red lasers at him too, I think, but sadly didn't really kick off.

Thai court jails 'swirly-face' paedophile

Tom Austin

"This is the first, baby step for Christopher Neil..."

...oh, please tell me that was a typo and not a tastelessly inappropriate pun...

Russian push into Georgia could knock Nasa off ISS

Tom Austin

Current USA vs Everyone Else flame war

I know about Godwin's Law now -- but can anyone advise what the technical term is for when a US flamer inevitably starts mentioning how we should endlessly grateful for them saving us from the Nazis?

Grissom bows out of CSI

Tom Austin
Paris Hilton

"Manhunter" was good...

...but imho "To Live And Die In L.A." was William Peterson's finest. Pure 80s excess, quite OTT really, and a rather good driving-in-wrong-direction sequence of Friedken-directed goodness to top things off.

Probably quite tasteless in certain areas, but check it out if you haven't already.

Paris, coz she's also tasteless. She probably doesn't understand CSI. (Assuming she's capable of sitting still enough to watch an entire episode.)

Hummer glummer on high oil price bummer

Tom Austin
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@AC "Daniel is right"

...and blow me down, an American commenting on British dentistry. Oh, how my sides are splitting. Oh, the wit. Oh, how relevant.

Let's see if we can follow your devastating logic a bit (I've got some time to waste): are you effectively saying that Americans should carry on driving SUVs and Hummers and other assorted useless vehicles with shitty mileage because -- wait for it -- their teeth are in better condition?

Coward, you're a moron. But I suppose your teeth look great.

Social networking site bans oldies over sex offender fears

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What with being 43...

...and having never fancied kids in any shape or form in my life (too small, too dumb, never able to pay when it's their round, that kind of thing), I'm obviously a little behind the whole 36-Paedo-Party thing.

(Ooh. Wait. Did I really type that? "...little behind..." Did you see what I did there? What was that: a freudian-slip type thing?)

FFS. Really, sarcasm aside, words fail me.

(But thanks for the Logan's Run reference, people. Even have still fond memories of the utterly dire TV series...)

DARPA in search for five-year-mission solar wingship

Tom Austin
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Is that Joe Satriani...

...squeezing out the power chords on the needlessly macho soundtrack? For a large flying plank that kinda, if one squints, could be represented by a guitar fret.


Tag Heuer handset pictures leaked on web

Tom Austin
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Is it me...

...or is it completely, utterly, unacceptably ugly?

Credit crunch hits finance sector - small biz next?

Tom Austin

@AC "Alas..."

...likewise, almost exactly. Got another contract in a supporting industry in a fairly smart-ish fashion, but it's looking shaky for nearly all contractors that I know personally.

Oh well. Keeps the times interesting, gives us perspective from outside the City. And who would have thought there's so much else kicking off outside the Square Mile?

US mistakenly sent nuke-ICBM parts to Taiwan in 2006

Tom Austin

Alternative shock 'n' awe tester?

Mailing missiles at a country. Well OK, obviously just missile parts in this isolated case, but using a target country's mail service seems sound for the future:

-- saves on fuel costs (especially in these uncertain times),

-- better payload accuracy achieved via personal home/office person-to-person delivery services,

-- arguably lower chances of collateral damage (assuming correct target signs the receipt)...

Fairly reasonable (and go-green) to me.

NZ charidee cybersquatter fears burning in Hell

Tom Austin

Palmie vs London

Lost too many years of my youth trying to make a go of it in the soul-dead flat emptiness that is Palmie. The horror, the dull, unrelentingly vacant gloom of sport-only tedium and nothing-else-going-on-here-forever: it still haunts and drives me now.

Thank God and Blighty for all things London. Even the sideways sleet and knife-wielding hoodies are more interesting.

The Palmie Stop Sign, where all hope must be abandoned before entry.

(Still, it will ALWAYS be better than Tauranga. And Hamilton.)

El Reg decimates English language

Tom Austin

@Peter Fielden-Weston "One in ten"

...I used to wonder about the last less-than-ten clump of legionaries being decimated too, back when I had the smatterings of a classical education. Damn you for bringing that troubling mental issue back to me.

I think you're right: maybe a carefully-judged to-a-multiple-of-a-tenth beating. Or perhaps a carefully-judged maiming?

There is nothing in Google about it, either. Does anyone classically-oriented out there have any ideas / actual knowledge?

Nude Marilyn Monroe flambés dog, serves atop fire extinguisher

Tom Austin

Re: Uneducated responses

Haggises / haggii were originally French??? I'd confirm that by checking on the internet, but that could be oxymoronic...

(Sorry, job a little dull today.)

...still worried about the chihuahua, btw.

Tom Austin
Paris Hilton

Uneducated responses

@Charles Manning

Did the chihuahua make it? (Can't find the story via Google, just a lot of jokes...)

@Stuart Thompson

I thought haggis came from the original Latin haggus, therefore technically wouldn't the plural would be haggii?

Paris, because everything is questionable today,

Suicidal moose descends on Alaska

Tom Austin

@Dr Patrick J R Harkin

The tragic outcome of an orbital moose from a decaying orbital trajectory...

...or an unfortunate harbinger of the descending vanguard of our new moose overlords?

Tom Austin
Paris Hilton

@Nawve Eliyahu-Yehoshua Cohein Gadol Ben-Malchezadek

I think you've moose-takenly posted to the wrong forum.

Paris, coz she's a moose.

How believable are government claims on ID cards?

Tom Austin


I thought it was 72.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot?

Billg quits Facebook

Tom Austin
Paris Hilton


I wish I had an empty, howling soul. Mine's a bit full. The howling bit is OK though.

But then I've got bugger-all "friends" on Facebook. Inverse relational type-thing, perhaps?

PH because, well, should I REALLY elaborate?

Michael Bay to relive A Nightmare on Elm Street

Tom Austin
Paris Hilton

@Will Leamon

...actually I too enjoyed The Island. Still not sure why, but drugs might have had something to so with it. So there's about three of us in this posting, then.

Paris, because it's a guilty pleasure of a weird (and possibly more shameful than we thought) sort...