Posts by Dr Patrick J R Harkin

Apple rewards developers with bricked iPhone

Bricked?

It's a Jesus phone, remember. It'll be fine in a few days.

Apprentice contestant to offer Zeppelin trips above London

People worry because of the Hindenberg

but these craft will contain helium, not hydrogen, so when they crash they won't burst into flames. Instead, they'll spill helium, meaning the passengers will be be able to call for help from any passing bats.

Or do a Bee Gees "It's a tragedy" tribute on the way down.

I've used the "Joke" icon because I'm not being totally serious here. I hope you realise theat.

Liverpudlians decapitate Ringo Starr

I'm quite impressedd...

...that someone could look at a Beatles topiary and know which one was Ringo.

'Bullying' Aussie high school stops fingerprinting kids

But if we can't fingerprint the kids to check attendance...

...we'll only be able to hire teachers who can read and write. Think of the expense!

Paris, cos identification by public recognition of a body part is a recurring theme of hers.

I mean she has a famous face, what did you think I meant?

Naomi Campbell cuffed in Heathrow Terminal 5

Mystery solved!

"BA have still failed to offer any explanation as to why her bag went missing at Terminal 5."

I think the clue is in the last two words...

Blu-ray awareness rising

I wish I had enough spare money...

...to release a zombie movie tomorrow on HD-DVD only.

Actually, I could probably get Arts Council funding...

Aussie laser-pointer dazzle attacks on airliners: Bad

Just shows you the new technology isn't safer than the old.

When I started out, we didn't use laser pointers in lectures, we had a big stick. But then someone pointed out that if you took a really big stick - military grade, not the short ones we used in lectures - you could poke the pilot with it and cause a crash, and demanded they were banned.

But this is obviously an enviromental protest group trying to shut down air travel - I mean, it's obvious, they're using GREEN lasers!

Bill icon to show how people are trying to shut down Microsoft by the use of yellow lasers.

And now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my morning medication.

iPhone owners talk less, spend loads more

Not good statistics...

iPhone users spend less time talking %wise - not surprising, as they have the option of webbing/mp3ing. You may find it hard to believe, but a lot of people have phones which don't play mp3s or web browse - they spend 100% of their "phone time" talking/texting. Any phone which can do more things will do (proportionally) less talking/texting. What we need are absolute figures, not percentages.

And, no, I don't have an iPhone!

Congestion Charge offers online tool for ANPR cam dodgers

Wouldn't you just love it if....

...someone did this, and their car got crushed cos they'd cloned the plate of someone with £5000 outstanding fines?

Landmine charity: Ban the killer robots before it's too late!

Well said...

"We don't want to move towards robots that make decisions about combatants and noncombatants."

Nor me. I'd stand very, very still, or at least move into cover.

Mine's the kevlar lined one, thanks.

Blu-ray drive in development for Xbox 360

I still gotta a PS2 and non-360 Xbox

So yar boo sucks to the lot of you!

Fujifilm bugs backup tapes with LoJack device

@Alan W. Rateliff, II

"I do, however, think that a better security scenario would be to have the capability to simply wipe the device should it stray from its programmed GPS route, or cannot detect a GPS signal for more than a defined period of time."

You are the screenwriter for Blue Thunder and I calim my $5

Kent bloke buried under 3,000 congestion charge receipts

I think I know what happened...

God I'm bored.

Bored bored bored.

I wonder how many receipts that printer can do from one roll.

I could count them.

That would be boring.

Hang on, if I send an entire rolls-worth to some poor schmuck then HE'LL count them and tell the press. Sweet!

Now if I just inject this extra line of Postscript into the print queue and wait...

China takes big (yard)stick to mapping websites

Some things are being removed from maps in the orient?

Would that be a Chinese takeaway?

Mine' s the one with the leaking carton of wonton soup in the pocket.

DIY satellite TV installer shoots wife dead

The thing that gets me....

...is his "defence" that he thought everyone was inside. Doesn't he have neighbours? Or a postman?

US Wi-Fi piggybacking won't put you in pokey

@Blame the technology....

"when you connect to a wireless network, your hardware REQUESTS an IP address. The wireless network then isues said IP address...therefore you asked for access and it gave you it. if you dont want people using your wireless secure it.

if sombody knockss on your dor and asks to come in, if ou do not know then would you let them in? i didn't think so."

But there's a big difference. If someone asks ME if they can come in, that's one thing. If someone presses the door-open button (which I don't have, but you get the idea) and the door opens then they DON'T have my permission to come in. A machine which mechanically controls access cannot give my permission for anything.

Spyware 'scammer' sued over PC pop-up invasion

While he's doing his time inside...

...they should burst into his cell at random intervals throughout the day and night and tell him that what services are available at www.wxyz.com for only $9.99 a month!

Dear Hull, all your typos are belong to Karoo

Is this a big deal?

If I typed www,domain.com instead of www.domain.com does it really matter that my "error page" is the output of a search engine rather than "Hey, numbnuts, learn to type?"

I have occasionally been know to type a search phrase into the address box rather than the Google toolbar box - this system would then actually work better for me.

It seems that if any ISP ever has the gall to change anything in any way, then the sky starts falling on El Reg.

Peking University preps online swearing edict

Darn them all!

Darn them all to heck!

Futurists predict a world of IT fairy tales

My prediciton for the furture...

...and I'm giving it to you pro bono, no £200 fee here.

I predict that in ten years time people will still be making stupid predicitons about the future in order to make money.

And that I'll still be a sad, cynical old git. Unless SkyNet gets me.

Mass compromise powers massive drive-by download attack

We shouldn't use the phrase "Trusted site"

If your PC is connected to the Real Internet (as opposed to the Happy La La Internet some people seem to think is out there) it should be hardened against malware so that if you ever click on an inappropriate link in Google you don't get hosed. You can't reliably avoid "untrusted sites"; you need to be prepared for the day you accidentally end up on one.

If you need me, I'll be in the basement, stockpiling canned food and dried goods.

32nd Carry On film is go

Give it a chance...

British cimea needs a big one if it's going to get back on top.

Afghan networks start nightly shutdown

What happens when a local calls his phone suppliers support line to complain?

"Hello, this is Ahmad, how may I help you?"

"Well, you can help by turning my service back on, and not pretending to be in Afghanistan. And come on, that accent isn't fooling anyone - I bet you're called 'Tracy' or 'Sandra' aren't you. Where are you really? What's the weather like there."

"We're in Kabul, sir. It's a bit drizzly this morning, but they say it'll clear up later."

"Drizzly? Admit it - you're in Guildford, aren't you? God, I hate these overseas call centres..."

Apple fans roast Apple fans

@Kevin McMurtie

'As IBM once told me,

"The product is not designed for continuous use."

Yep, that's what the specs for the replacements said.'

Just be glad some other company makes the iron lungs...

Notts police seize mobile phone stun gun

@RU

"18 more potentially lethal?"

Yeah, with an ordinary taser you end up dead, but with this one you'd be dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead.

Prosecutors target first 'Facebook harassment' conviction

@Morley Dotes

"Web pages are a "pull" medium. thus, there can be no harassment of someone via the Web in which the "victim" is not a willing accomplice, since the victim has to actively *request* the Web page(s) to be pulled to his/her computer for viewing."

Surely no different from arguing that you can't harrass by post since the victim has to be a willing accomplice in choosing to open the envelope.

IE8 to follow web standards by default

Ah, hell, now the webwon't work...

It's great having standards-compliant browsers. Now will someone please connect me to a standards-compliant internet? I hate IE but it does have the minor advantage of displaying web pages, and when the page is broken it has a go at displaying it as best it can. About twice a year I swap for FireFox - but I always come back within a month after finding a site I can't see properly in FF.

Excuse me while I put on the venom-proof coat and await replies....

Disintegrating wind turbine caught on camera

I don't even understand why we have wind farms

We've got far to much wind here already. Do we export it or something?

Gov boffins to carry out simulated London dirty bombing

Oh my god! We'd never prepared for this!

Dirty bomb? Check - Event reponse plan 34.r7

Nerve gas? Check - Event reponse plan 21.a1

Governement boffins? They're going to release governement boffins in a built up area? The bastards! What if they start breeding in the sewers?

Geordie cops arrest two for Wi-Fi squatting

@Anonymous Coward

"Now if I had say milk dilivered and it was left on somebody else's dorrstep and they took it in not knowing that it wasn;t for there use - would they be breaking the law (no Pete James they wont)."

Well, actually, if they weren't expecting a milk delivery, then they would. It's called "stealing by finding", I believe, though whilst technically they should report the "find", no sensible system would bother with a low cost, perishable, fungible item like a pinta.

Using a neighbours wifi without their permission IS a criminal offence but is not a serious one in terms of loss of commodity. It COULD be a serious matter if criminals were using non-secured wifi as essentially anonymous net access for nefarious purposes.

Perhaps it should be an offence to run an unsecured wifi access point - and as soon as the industry makes kit which talks without needing an engineering qualification to get it working - and without uPnP! - I'd support that law. But not yet.

UK media consultant dupes 2.4m randy YouTubers

@Anonymous coward

"So one (heavy) penalty for all drink-drivers."

Agreed. If two drunk drivers each lose control and plough into a bus stop, the one who does it 2 minutes after the bus has gone gets done for drunk driving, the one who does it 2 minutes before gets done for causing death by dangerous driving, whereas the difference between them is only luck.

Abd it doesn't seem fair that the quality of care available at the local hospital can affect a jail sentence!

Counterfeit vans: A little-known online grocery scam

Do Ocado drivers carry the food into the kitchen?

Sainsburys and Tescos (the only two I've tried) bring it to the doorstep - the rest of the way is my problem. A fake Tesco driver would get a view of my hall, which he could get by pretending to be a fake Jehova's Witness, AND has to leave about 40 quids worth of food for the privelege.

Bring it on!

MS showcases Red Ring of Death Xbox 360 at expo

Don't these people know the first rule of computer demos?

Never EVER leave a machine unattended where the public can see it. It doesn't matter HOW reliable the hardware or software is, or whether its a PC, console or DVD recorder. If you leave an abacus out unattended at a trade show, the beads will fall off. You should always have a PFY there to "accidentally" trip over the cables.

Vodafone, Orange to share UK mast sites

This shouldn't be necessary...

Why HMG sold the airwaves, they should have made cooperative sharing of infrastructure a requirement. I can choose to buy the gas which runs my boiler from British Gas, NPower, Yorkshire Electricity and for all I know Microsoft, Richard Branson or Enron but it comes through the same pipes.

Fire icon not cos I'm particularly annoyed, just that it reminds of the boiler which keeps my toes toasty warm.

Fire extinguisher resolves German smoking dispute

I don't understand...

"As for having CO2 bottles in computer rooms, they might ban them soon due to global warming."

Surely a computer on fire is warming up the globe? Won't putting it out make things better?

Trivia fcat for today: from what I remember, the main compnent of powder extinguishers is good old baking soda - it soaks up the free radicals in the fire, so it goes out.

Most useless gadget ever?

Another B&D prodyct

The self-adjusting wrench. Put the wrench around the nut manually close the jaws? Not with the B&W Autowrench! Just press the button and let the batteries do all the hard work (excpet the hard bit of actually usingthe wrench) No longer do you need to spin the thumbwheel manually - use the B&D Autowrench and save yourself from the misery of manual jaw closing and the risk of RSI!

Paris icon chosen because of [invert your own joke involving jaws, open, close, manual, batteries and wrench/wench]

Eavesdrop plod: Nobody's listening to me (any more)

There's an obvious defence

"That conversation was a spoken rap piece, intended for my new album 'How I Would Have Done It' and your possession of an illegal copy of it is an infringement of my copyight! RIAA, sic 'em!"

Moroccan IT engineer arrested over fake Facebook account

A night in the cells and a good kicking...

...is probably a fair treatment for anyone who sets up a Facebook account.

US judge arranges summary execution of Wikileaks.org

Thing is...

I have documentary proof showing who started that fire, but nowhere to post it...

Jane Fonda c-word slip shocks US

As Flanders and Swan put it...

Pee po belly bum drawers!

Ha, America, anything you can do, we can do better!

Enraged vegan spitroasts Reg hack

@Anonymous coward

"Vegetarian and vegan diets lead to eating disorders" - sort of. People trying to concel an eating disorder will find it easier if they opt out of the family meals and take control of their own cooking - so it's not vegetarianism which leads to eating disorders, though if you examine the diets of people with eating disorders you find an excess of vegetarians.

I'm an omnivore, but I have to admit that there's a superb vegetarian restaurant near where I live. Incidentally, does anyone know where Vegetaria is?

Xbox 360 console failure rate forecast at 16.4%

Could add some excitement to the games...

"I'm down to 7% health, I've only got two rounds of pistol ammo left, there's a whole bunch of Covenant round the corner and visibility is waaaay down cos of the smoke coming out of the X-box..."

Halo Master Chief armour offered on eBay

Five foot four to five foot eight?

Bit of a shortarse, this Master Chief, then?

Suicidal moose descends on Alaska

Could it have been...

...a CIA orbital spy moose? I've heard one of those is due to come down due to orbital deacy sometime soon.

Armed police swoop on MP3-packing mechanic

At last, the RIAA are getting tough...

They believed he had a downloaded a pirated Guns'n'Roses album.

And if you need to be told why I chosde the coat icon, I have a bridge I'd like to sell you - aw, hell, just give me the money. This is an iRiver Magnum, the most most powerful mp3 player in the world; it could blow your eardrums clean off. And you're asking - did he play six tracks - or only five? Well, in all the excitement, I kinda lost count myself, so the question you have to ask is "Do I feel lucky? Or is he selecting S-Club 7's Greatest Hits?"

Boozing boffins contribute less to science

El Reg...

You're my best mate, you are, I luv you, you an' me aginst a wurld...

Champion of competitive CAT-5 untangling is crowned

@By David Wiernicki

"The bundles are placed on a table at waist height. The beginning of time is sounded by the referee."

Quite how the referee travels to the origin of the universe isn't explained."

He doesn't travel to the begining of time, he "sounds" it by dropping a weighted cable to see how much time there is, just as sailors "sound" depths by using a weighted rope. This is important, as some cable tangles, such as the one under my desk, could not be untangled in as short a period as the age of the universe.

Is this the world's most expensive desktop PC?

Shame about the spec...

For that price, they might have been able to put together a machine with enough oomph to run Vista properly.

If they shopped around carefully.

MySpace wins UK domain name that pre-dated its service

Hang on here...

Can't the owners of myspace.co.uk claim that myspace.com was an abusive registration designed to be confused with their domain? Though I must admit that if I was the owner of myspace.co.uk I'd take the money and run. MySpace.com isn't going to be around forever and when they're gone you can have myspace.co.uk back again for peanuts.

Why the Paris icon for a MySpace posting? Well ones a superfically attractive, vapid, essentially functionless service used and abused by millions, and the other's MySpace...

California deploys dope-vending machines

@anonymous poster

"Los Angeles owner tells a Waco, Texas TV news station?

Wouldn't you think he'd tell a Los Angeles TV news station?"

He tried, but the guys on the phone were all wasted.