* Posts by Juliette Martens

30 posts • joined 17 Jan 2008

Saw torturecoaster rolls into UK theme park

Juliette Martens

Maybe I'm just prejudiced

But I would tend to regard with suspicion the level of scariness of a theme ride designed by a person called "Candy" who "giggles". Unless of course she's a regular attendee of James Blunt concerts, in which case she's perfectly horror-qualified.

New Jersey flying deer floors Hippo

Juliette Martens

It's for headlines like these that I read Odds & Sods

I'm relieved to hear he was just "at the wrong place at the wrong time" as opposed to being the victim of premeditated moosely ill-humour

Interwebs page channels Palin twaddle

Juliette Martens
Paris Hilton

Palin for President!

I think we can all agree that vice-president will be the wrong job for her - she should run for president instead. With Dubya's eloquence precedent there is no doubt she'd get elected.

Paris, because she puts her...er...money where her mouth is.

Full-size Roman siege artillery offered on eBay

Juliette Martens
Black Helicopters

Sed catapulta tua infracta est...

@ mike2R

Woops*, in plurimus difficultas es. Eium adeptete, pueri!

* Hic latinum est

Craigslist supervillain seeks henchmen

Juliette Martens
Gates Horns

You'll all be sorry...

..when he turns out to be the genuine article.

I for one welcome etc etc

Knights Templar to Vatican: Give us back our assets

Juliette Martens

@ Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

"I have a templar knight in my family tree."

I'd try coaxing him down with some food first, if this fails ring the firebrigade and they'll sort him out.

NZ judge saves girl from bloody silly name

Juliette Martens


I actually agree with the strict naming rules - weighing up children getting bullied against parents giving in to their urge to assert rights over their "property" (whether due to naming tradition or plain stupidity), I think preventing bullying really should prevail.

Holland is developing the same bizarre naming culture as America - I don't understand what's wrong with names like Lisa or Catherine. A unique name doesn't equal a unique personality so what's the point?

Juliette Martens

More cruelty to children

I spent some time on babyname forums helping a pregnant friend to pick a name, and if they're anything to go by my IQ must certainly rank in the top 2% of the Western world's population. Needless to say, my friend just went for "Kate".

If you feel like a bit of a laugh, or just want to get a headstart on finding out who the next generation of serial killers is going to be, check out notwithoutmyhandbag.com (Baby's Named a Bad Bad Thing). They posted a huge amount of unbelievably silly names while adding some of their own constructive criticism.

Incidentally, if you're male, I'd suggest you proxy your way to "notwithoutmyhandbag.com", preferably through a site that is named along the lines of jugsandmotors.com (or outdoorpussy.com of course if you're more environmentally inclined).

Cannibal's legal objection hamstrings German horror film

Juliette Martens
Dead Vulture

Hide ye, God-fearing citizens

Cop on to yourselves, the infringement of privacy is a completely different case to the one he was tried and convicted for, so stop this Mary Whitehouse-meets-The Daily Mail shouting of "such a monster must not be allowed any legal rights".

If you want a country where the law does a cheerful foxtrot with complete bollocks, go live in Zimbabwe.

Re the 8.5 years, I'm quite shocked it's so low too but it's possible that he'll be packed away to Arkham asylum after his term's up - that's what often happens in Holland anyway. The beauty of this system is that he could remain there indefinitely.

What's that thing in the vulture's mouth, leaking blood...?

Rock Group goes titsup

Juliette Martens

Someone's bitch in gaol I hope

What a fucking twat - with a bit of luck the soap on a rope is permanently "out of stock" in his prison. A waste of a fine company (not to mention its now jobless employees).

I agree that they screwed up on their controls and should have copped this much earlier, but it's still no excuse for some undeserving, greedy loser to paw what isn't fucking his.

If I seem a little hysterical, it's because we've two Rocks which are the best laptops we've ever had. Grrr.

Franco robbed Sir Cliff of Eurovision win

Juliette Martens

@ Mark

Yeah, damn you racist Britons, you're constantly generalising other cultures. ALL of you.

This reminds me of the line in Austin Powers: Goldmember - (paraphrased) "there are only two type of people I don't like, those who don't respect the culture of others...and the Dutch".

/**Incidentally, being Dutch, I did not enjoy this in the slightest, which only served to further amuse my Irish friends (who only bring up "800 years of oppression" when Ireland loses in the rugby).*/

Winehouse cans Bond theme project

Juliette Martens

Remember Spleen

Maybe she changed her mind because they decided on Spleen's lyrics:


*waahhnnyyahnaahh* He's got a quantum of solace *wahhhnyyaaahnaahhh* And a googleplex of sanctimony *wwwaaahhhnyyaaahhhnaaah* He'll aspirate your apathy *wwwaaahhhnyyyaannaaah* With anaerobic dialysis *waaahhnnyyyaaanaahhh*

Although it does take someone truly pissed to be able to sing this with the appropriate diction.

I want a baby, coos broody Paris Hilton

Juliette Martens
Thumb Up

Life ain't so difficult

"I have a lot of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel I would have a lot to give my children."

That's super! I've two cats and now I can breed in peace, knowing that I can safely leave the baby on its own in the house as long as I have a bowl of water and a litter tray lying around somewhere.

Lesbians turn on lesbians in battle of Lesbos

Juliette Martens

That must be

a blow to the lesbians!!

Er - ah, uhm, maybe not.

Happy queensday everybody - at least we DID get a little logo on google.nl

Congo lynch mobs attack penis-snatching sorcerers

Juliette Martens

Don't joke about this

I used to have a boyfriend who'd quite clearly been visited by one of these sorcerers...

US lag sues over prison crash diet

Juliette Martens

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do

He was naturally outraged when they started serving him diet Cokes with his fries & burger.

@ Slaine - I like the subtlety of your views. You must be so busy *working* that there's no time left to inform yourself by any means other than a quick scan of the Daily Mail.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just scoff down a Big Mac before going back down de coalmoines.

Liverpudlians decapitate Ringo Starr

Juliette Martens
Paris Hilton

Hope yet for Slough

Well, I think they mustn't have had anything better to do to go and vandalise the statue, but does Ringo deserve a statue in Liverpool if he's no interest left in the place whatsoever?

Also, I've never been to Liverpool but I have found that your enjoyment or hatred of a place of residence depends far more on the company you keep and your state of mind than your surroundings. For this reason I hated Paris and Kensington, and love East Berlin and Hounslow.

Different Paris - who can feel anything but love for THIS Paris?

Florida cops taser naked old timer

Juliette Martens

Ren & Stimpy

"Being 65 doesn't make you a helpless old man, and if this old fart was stupid enough to try and ESCAPE from the cops and RESIST them he deserved it. "

Ehm...the fact that he was roaming the streets naked wouldn't set any alarm bells ringing that he might be a thermos flask short of a picnic, and therefore should be handled with a bit more consideration than those who set out to cause trouble in full mental capacity?

Then again, maybe where you are in Bradenton going au naturel in public is the done thing so I can see where the confusion arose.

Penguins don't wear no stinkin' clothes either.

Terminator Salvation is go for May 2009 release

Juliette Martens
Paris Hilton

Christian Bale?!?

He should sue the Batman crowd - cowl was obviously restricting flow of oxygen.

Paris would never lend herself to something so blatantly commercial.

Jedi to open Surrey academy

Juliette Martens

@ Peter Fielden-Weston

"Or we won't notice it if they are. Because these are not the megalomaniacs we're looking for."

Or because they will have mind-tricked us into believing that they aren't.

The helmet and astmathic vocal chords please.

Points mean passports: Citizenship Smith unveils 'like us' plan

Juliette Martens

@Mike JVX

Ehm...I understand you're frustrated at not being able to get a job you're qualified for but the generalisations are a bit off the mark. I hate to be sounding like a spelt-eating hempwearer but the government is not dishing out houses and jobs like sweets to junkies (?!), teenage mothers etc, and any help they're getting is to equalise their disadvantaged situation. This is a good thing not just from a moral point of view, but also because not helping them has a hugely detrimental effect on the rest of society. Society is better off with drug addicts on their way to recovery and teenage mothers being trained to earn money so that they can provide for themselves rather than sitting on welfare. I know it doesn't work a lot of the time, but in every case where it does that's one less neighbourhood terrorised (by a junkie, not a teenage mother).

Also, if the Asian nationals turn out to be as crap as the recruiters say, eventually companies will cop on and stop hiring them.

Finland censors anti-censorship site

Juliette Martens

@ Maty

Absolutely, the general public won't listen to any reason whatsoever at the mere mention of something "close to their heart". It's so much more pleasant to let your primitive emotions run riot. I would suspect that the argument for censorship of this kind would go along the lines of "so obviously you want paedophiles to distribute their wares freely??" Sigh.

I do think that actual sites that have been verified to contain any kind of genuinely coercive sex should be blocked for the simple reason that it stops the exploitation of the victim.

Jane Fonda c-word slip shocks US

Juliette Martens

Think of the children

I've never understood how children grow into healthy, balanced individuals on account of not hearing swearing on the telly. They'll pick it up at some stage no matter what you do to protect them - and if they don't, that's worse. Imagine a 16 year-old smiling happily at being called "twat" because he's no clue what the word means.

And for everyone calling Jane Fonda a media whore for saying cunt, go read the fucking Vagina Monologues first.

Microhoo! or YahSoft!? The! people! must! decide!

Juliette Martens
Gates Halo

Pastafarians unite

Mihoo! sounds like a type of noodle...hmmm is this a match endorsed by His Noodly Appendages?

Armed police swoop on MP3-packing mechanic

Juliette Martens
Paris Hilton

Easy mistake to make

Let me get this straight. He "took aim", but then calmly put away his "pistol" - did the target move or something? All the way along the busroute and then to the man's home?

I'd love to see the biddy who reported this; she'll undoubtedly start a campaign against everything black and shiny because it can be mistaken (so easily!) for a lethal weapon.

Paris, because she'd have no problem with a man fumbling with something between his hands.

RIAA chief calls for copyright filters on PCs

Juliette Martens
Thumb Up

I can just hear the RIAA's deny-everything defence...

...but m'lud, it's not a feature, it's a bug!

ABC fined $1.43m for NYPD Blue a*se flash

Juliette Martens

Ban it all, dammit!

I completely agree with the Censor; we should be protected from any view of something as perverted as the human body. That also goes for those three-wall mirrors in fitting rooms where I have been known to catch sight of my own female buttocks (sometimes even before 10pm!!).

Shooting and mutilation is ok, as long as it's not in any erogeneous zones.

Mine's the one with strap-on attached, please.

New Bond movie is Quantum of Solace

Juliette Martens

@John Kirkham

I agree. What were they thinking filming a Bond who is truer to the books, portrayed as a rounded human being by an actor who for the first time looks as if he's actually capable of kicking arse (I still shudder at the thought of Pierce "will I pout one more time" Brosnan taking on a battalion of broad-shouldered thugs)? And then they -gasp- showed a scene in which the villain gets beaten up too.

I mean, I don't like weepies either but come on this isn't exactly Sleepless in Seattle is it? Go back to your Chuck Norris cave (no no, I'm sorry Mr Norris, of course roundhouse kicks are just an expression of your inner vulnerability).

Spleen - that's gotta be a Grammy for sure.

Dildo rails dirty? Help is at hand

Juliette Martens

Lazy-arsed crowd

Just the RAILS of my dildo? Tsss, they can't even be bothered to clean the whole thing.

Showdown over encryption password in child porn case

Juliette Martens


First of all, the guy is not a criminal - yet - he hasn't been convicted and should as such still be presumed innocent. Second, the same "consitooshun" that you derisively dismiss is what distinguishes a state based on justice from a police state. You may look at civil rights promoters as hippy scum who stand in the way of giving an evildoer a good thrashing, but without those civil rights you could be burned on the stake "because the neighbour says so". You probably won't, but who can be certain without a good set of laws which are actually being put into practice? The fact that childporn is involved is completely beside the point - I'm all for harsher punishment (to say the least) than for a burglary, but that is once the guy has been convicted. The legal system should not be bended to accommodate the feeling of "the general public".

On a slightly different note, in Holland a suspect is only named with his first name and the initial of his last name; it's a much better practice as this way if you're innocent you could possibly still carry on with life without people shying away from you on the street (they continue initialling once the person's been convicted but that's a different story). Especially for something like child porn - imagine if this guy actually IS innocent and someone planted stuff on his computer; do you really think he'll be able to get a job again? Same thing with the guy accused of Madeleine McCann's abduction in the early stages - he's been released and cleared but everyone knows his face and name - his reputation's gone for good.


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