Posts by Aaron Gilliland

Google boss tracks Carly, Arianna, all three Dixie Chicks

Tony Robbins?

Really? Why?

Does Eric spend his mornings jogging and chanting "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better!"?

Edward Woodward dies at 79

Obligatory Noel Coward reference:

Edward Woodward. Edward Woodward.

Sounds like a fart in the bath.

Legless woman falls onto Boston train tracks

Red rectangles

Oh, those. Not worth worrying about.

It's just the AI aligning its targeting sensors on the soft, fleshy humanoids.

Brother creates direct retinal imaging specs

<obvious>

Brother, can you spare some direct retinal imaging specs?

Beeb's Carla Bruni coverage hits rock bottom

Ah yes

+10 points for making me read the Oxo Tower thread again.

Montblanc punts £14k Mahatma Gandhi pen

So...

When you turn the pen upside down, does Gandhi's diaper come off?

I'll take three.

Apple tablet will 'redefine print,' says rumor mill

Redefine, eh?

So print's current definition is "something written on paper."

The new definition will be "something written on paper, as opposed to something you will see on an electronic display."

Thanks for clearing that up!

Mozilla plans to tie Firefox 3.7 pigtails in pretty Ribbon

Brilliant!

And then they can provide a way for users to hug poisonous snakes.

YES

They will HUG and KISS some POISONOUS...

SNAKES.

Byrne's naked shorting crusade outs Yahoo! security vuln

Hands up

Everyone who thought of David Byrne, naked, say "Aye!"

Apple Store pillaged in 31 seconds

In summary...

Faithful fanbois forlorn; fast filching frees Feiss-favoured factotums. Felonious febrile fiends five-finger fantastically fashionable fornication facilitators for funds.

Street View applies extra blur to Swiss

Solution!

Instead of blurring, stamp an image of Heidi onto all the faces and plates.

Then we can all be reminded of her courage and fortitude.

And delicious chocolate.

And secret bank accounts.

Microsoft apologizes for digital head transplant

Isn't it obvious?

Poland is in The Matrix. One of the Agents is taking over the body of the black gentleman, but he's only 25% complete.

Or 24%, since he isn't wearing sunglasses.

US Stealth bombers may get nuke-bunker nobbler for 2010

Actually, Nigel...

SAC lived at Offutt AFB, not under Cheyenne Mountain.

The More You Know (tm).

Mrs Slocombe's pussy vanishes from Twitter

Ground floor: Perfumery,

Stationery and Leather Goods,

Wigs and Haberdashery,

Kitchenware and Food, going up...

I remember seeing that show as a child and thinking "Do/did the Brits actually find this funny?" I also tried desperately to find Wendy Richard attractive.

Russian's Bulgarian airbags burst mid-flight

Re; Not due to air pressure

I'm sorry, did you just say that the Mythbusters disproved something? Yes, of course, what with their rigorous, dispassionate scientific investigation that had nothing at all to do with television sensationalism.

I'm sure they fired rifle bullets into the fake tits and replayed it in slow motion, or something. I'll bet they even found an excuse to visit the aircraft boneyard.

Israeli TV star ordered execs beaten up

He's in deep Dudu

Could I be an Israeli TV star?

Gordon Ramsay breaches f**king broadcasting code

Shock horror

The man's Scottish. And he's on TV.

And he sucked at football.

People should be surprised at how reserved his remarks were.

Google hires goat army for lawn maintenance

Erm...

I thought goats tended to destroy grass rather than trimming it.

Any goat experts care to enlighten me?

Zero-G vanishing bone issue solved, says prof

Old news

The report may be new, but the concept has been applied all over the place.

The American space program has used various treadmill modifications (elastic tethers, negative pressure* waist cuff things, etc) and the Russians had a "penguin suit" which applied force against the limbs throughout the day.

The problem isn't technical. The problem is compliance. The solutions are tedious and uncomfortable to use.

* - yes, I know there's no such thing

Text-message hoax threatens death by Wal-Mart

Oy! That kidney thing really happened!

...to some guy the uncle of a friend of a co-worker heard about.

Right-wing Oz politico in nude snaps rumpus

Willie said it best...

Back to the Loch with you, Nessie.

Fiorina treated for cancer

Never again

will I doubt the power of thousands of HP engineers and their focused negative thoughts.

Photography rights: Snappers to descend on Scotland Yard

Roddy Doyle

Am I the only one who thought of a bunch of infant Irish bastards parachuting onto Scotland Yard and swearing a lot?

I'll be seeing Colm Meaney in my dreams for weeks.

Absolutely Fabulous ups sticks to LA

Re: Josef Mengele root canal

My only question for you is...

is it safe?

Brit loonies adventurers headed to Timbuctoo by 'flying car'

Bear Grylls, eh?

So the trip will include staying at resorts with your film crew and eating caterpillars for no reason?

Asus' angular laptop-of-the-future designs spied

Timewarp

Visions of the Commodore PET.

Brit ISPs censor Wikipedia over 'child porn' album cover

Wikipedia doesn't censor?

Go on. Pull the other one.

I'm very sorry, says gay health warning clergyman

Am I the only one?

Am I the only one who smirked and turned a shade of bastard-pink at the mention of "St. Michael's Cornhill"?

Stick health warnings on gays, says Stock Exchange chaplain

Stock Exchange Chaplain, eh?

Shame he isn't a catlick; the trading floor confessional jokes write themselves.

"Say 9 Hail Mary's and buy 1000 Pratts at 5 and a quarter, my son."

Crypto guru thinks outside the box with Cube attack

Let me be the first to say...

"Well, obviously."

Mine's the one with Schaum's outline of high-school algebra printed on the arms.

Captain Cyborg creates human bat with Reg baseball cap

New line of clothing, please!

I want a whole category of Captain Cyborg and his various creations...

And at least one of his animatronic corpse being picked clean by a group of vultures.

Google trumpets PageRank for pics

Re: take a different TACT

<pedantry>

Surely you meant to say "TACK"...

</p>

(now waiting for this comment to be picked apart for style, punctuation errors)

The American way of bioterror - an A-Z of ricin crackpots

Re: Anton Chigurh's "sniper rifle"

Uh, pretty sure it was a shotgun.

Sniper rifles tend to produce a hole rather than a spray that leaves Stephen Root gurgling on his office floor.

Dubai mobe cracking demo barred by Heathrow boffin bust

Re: "cheap" USRP

I'm sorry, I'm so out of touch with exchange rates.

When did $700 qualify as "cheap"?

James Bond menaced by red hot Chilean

Re: Inconsistency

Lubrication.

Caught on camera: the Downfall of HD DVD

Re: Funniest thing I think I have ever seen

You've obviously never seen "The Two Ronnies"...