* Posts by lansalot

467 posts • joined 23 Mar 2007

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US woman attacks missus with sperm-filled syringe

lansalot
Go

shocking !

It's quite a tale - and one that, frankly, I'd have paid cold hard cash to watch.

Liquored-up lady-licker lamps lover over minor, mucky, man-goo misunderstanding ?

Conspiracy theories fly around Norton forum 'Pifts' purge

lansalot
Happy

@alacrity fitzhugh

Don't worry - there'll be another panic-button to hit soon, so keep the chopper blades spinning. That's the great thing about the internet and forums, it's sooo easy to get a conspiracy theory off the ground :)

Scotland Today in news nipslip outrage

lansalot
Coat

or..

as a colleague put it - "Journalists - anything to get a scoop".

Wouldn't mind a scoop etc etc.. sorry

lansalot
Go

wide-eyed ?

and a few wide-mouthed kiddies I'm sure. Phwoar, etc etc

Romeo 419ers take Canadian women for $300k

lansalot
Thumb Up

solution

As it happens, her plight has touched me. I am familiar with the ne'er do wells in question, and I can get all her money returned to her.

For this service, I will need $15,000 cash - up front. Do we have a deal ?

Abba star slates 'lazy, stingy' Pirate Bay fans

lansalot
Go

@AC

"he's going to have an epically large about of egg and cum on his face if the court finds against him."

Blimey - these Swedes certainly deal out a harsh punishment !

See, young people ? Porn really does teach you more than just the foreign words for "yes!" and "harder!" ! Who knew I was learning about Swedish criminology as well.

Scotland to battle grey squirrel invaders

lansalot
Go

so

Does that mean we're allowed to take a pop at them if we see one ?

<billy-connolly-stylee> whaur's ma bloody gun?? </billy-connolly-stylee>

I dunno. Bloody immigrants - come over here, climb our trees, grab our nuts....

Arizona Super Bowl fans cop eyeful of todger

lansalot
Happy

hmm

May as well disable comments for this one, Lester. Doubt anyone will top that "wide receiver" strapline. Well done, sir !

Google Chocolate Factory leaks (more) GDrive talk

lansalot
Joke

err

@ jon:

No, that would be an epic win....

"Epic fail at google

By jon Posted Saturday 31st January 2009 15:19 GMT

Listing wikipedia and blogger.com as malware"

Obama insists on FOI

lansalot
Happy

hmm

"This is the guy who had the musicians miming at his inauguration? I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him."

<sarcasm>

Indeed. At least you (didn't) know where you were with Bush, and you were happy in that ignorance. Imagine - miming musicians ! What's the world coming to ! I'm sure it was by presidential order that the deception took place... Is it too late to get Bush back in ?

</sarcasm>

Goat hangs self in Canadian zoo

lansalot
Go

hey !

I was there and saw the footage. As soon as staff arrived, they quickly removed the orange from its mouth and stuffed the gimp mask in a black plastic bag.

Cover up !!!

Mixed reviews for semen-based recipe book

lansalot
Go

hmmmm

I find this a bit difficult to believe. Are we talking a sweetener or flavour enhancer here, as in to be used sparingly like a herb ? Coz I like a bit of trifle at xmas, and even if I started now I doubt I'd produce the full order in time... Chances are by next week I'd be half blind and with palms as red as Gary Glitter's at a school play.

Still, it's a good way to hoodwink the missus (or other as appropriate etc) into trying it out. Once she's wolfed down the blancmange, you can hit her with "see, I told you it wasn't as bad as you made out !!!" and from there on, no further complaints :)

Study spanks Adobe Flash for abuses of power

lansalot
Happy

no problem

I've been blocking ads for years. A quick look at El Reg with adblock off shows a number of highly distracting flash ads. No wonder people use adblock - and I suspect it's not because of the energy savings.. Who can read when you're being flashed at to buy ink for your printer etc

Royal Society of Chemistry requests 'Italian Job' ending

lansalot
Happy

simple

Everyone rushes to the front of the bus, and one by one they climb out the front door, staying on the vehicle, and hanging off the front bumper. All but the lightest one - he slithers along the floor throwing the bars back the way. Job done.

Lehman Bros chaps snog amid world economic meltdown

lansalot
Go

ah ha..

I take it this clip was filmed just before they went up the spout ?

It's not wonder they ended up in the hole with that sort of behaviour !!!

Mills and Boon thrusts into pr0n market

lansalot
Coat

err.

@ "Richard"

" Good to see someone thinking outside the box "

I think you'll find it's an exact opposite that M&B are in fact aiming for. Ithankyou.

Google restores Chrome's shine

lansalot
Thumb Up

well well...

That didn't take long to "resolve" :)

Common usernames get more spam

lansalot

err..

isn't it more likely that your ISP or mail server spots the influx of spam more readily as it moves through the alphabet/spam-run and closes the hole accordingly ?

One email to "albert" from a certain IP is less likely to raise an eyebrow than 10 similar ones to "albert", "betty", "charlie" etc...

Simple heuristics, no ?

Houston, we have a virus

lansalot
Coat

eh ?

Were they playing "Out of this World of Warcraft" ?

Nuns face off in online beauty contest

lansalot

money to be made ?

I say we bring in a ringer - let's get, say, some tidy page-3 sort in a nuns outfit, stick a great wodge on at William Hill and then retire to the bahamas. Who's with me ?

In fact, Sarah, how about we go in on this together, split the profits 50/50 ? I'm sure you'd look very fetching in a nun's outfit, based upon nothing at all as I have no idea what you look like.

This plan is guaranteed* not to fail !

*guarantee may not be honoured. Terms and Conditions apply.

Fart-lighting youth in petrol can mishap

lansalot
Thumb Up

ah come on...

Nothing to see here, move along. Just a flash in the pan, that's all.

Old timers rattle zimmers at 'Elderly Persons' sign

lansalot
Joke

aww..

This is shocking.

I fully sympathise with the elderly on this one. May I suggest similarly-offended readers consider a letter-writing campaign, possibly co-ordinated via the People's Friend, or perhaps the Sunday Post ?

Tin of Werther's Originals and a Big Slipper to the most eloquent !

Rude Tintin pulls out

lansalot
Go

saucy comics ?

Had a cracker as a young man containing a rather rude version of "Oor Wullie".

I could probably draw the whole thing from memory, but will just remind readers of the strap-line in case anyone has a jpg ;)

"Willie, Soapy and Fat Bob, think f***ng Daphne's just the job!

But Daphne thinks it is a farce, when they try to stick it up her wellyougettheideawiththat"...

Anyone got a copy of this smutty classic? Answers on a saucy postcard please !

Misheard song lyrics blamed on technology

lansalot
Go

well..

I'd like to claim credit for corrupting Atomic Kitten by singing "You can lick me hole again!" at the top of my voice in the local pub. It actually caught on pretty quickly, and soon everyone was singing it whenever it was played.

Sadly, I suspect this may be my only lasting legacy....

Oz man cracks one off while speeding in drug-packed car

lansalot
Go

so....

"Are you going to come quietly, sir ? "

"I already have officer !"

Was he caught white-handed ?

Rogue SF sysadmin coughs up passwords

lansalot
Joke

you see...

This just wouldn't have happened if he had written the passwords for everything on a post-it note and stuck it above his desk - like everyone else does....

Street View spycar prowls Inverness

lansalot
Stop

hey !

I mentioned they were in Inverness last week - what gives ? :P

That aside - my mate snapped one of these devices on a few lamposts in his street that turned up the same day the Google-mobile was about.

http://c.imagehost.org/view/0124/thing.jpg

A quick call to the Highland Council street lighting department confirmed they knew nothing about it, and that it should definitely not have been put there without their permission.

So, over to you, readers. What the hell is it ???

lansalot
Joke

and anyway...

what privacy concerns ? I'd love my nekkid sunbathing bits to be immortalized in streetmap-glory for eternity (or until next scan). Bring them on, say I !!

In fact, in that street, there's a rather lovely lady whose address I could give out, if they could just loiter round hers for a bit. Cheers !

Jodrell Bank spared the chop

lansalot
Go

aw come on...

Surely the best reason to keep it is for its Cockney Rhyming Slang value ?

Generations of children may grow up never knowing why their parents start sniggering when they come home from school and inform that they're off for a Jodrell...

NZ sports fans cop eyeful of hardcore

lansalot
Coat

3 minutes 50 seconds ?

Might not seem like a long time, but personally, I'd find it more than enough. Is this anything to do with the phrase "rugger buggers" ?

The coat with the pocket with the hole in it please !

Google's Street View spycar clocked in London

lansalot

and..

It was in Inverness last week, never saw it myself (so nothing to tell the grandkids about), but various friends did.

Curiously, some odd-shaped aerial-looking devices popped up on a few lampposts at the same time. Still not got to the bottom of that one....

Like an inverted capital F, they are cable-tied on. Any ideas, helicopter-watchers ?

Mini-Me sues online celebrity muckraker over 'stolen' sex tape

lansalot
Go

Hmmm.

I doubt Mr Troyer will have a leg to stand on...

... wait a minute - that's not his leg !!!

US hackette ponders jub-powered iPod

lansalot
Happy

WOW !

Jeez, that's some co-incidence. I'd been waiting for something to arrive off ebay, and I was reading this article it was handed to me.

Without a word of a lie, it was a little headlamp powered by three double-A's.

Howzat for co-incidence !!

AVG disguises fake traffic as IE6

lansalot
Unhappy

costs ?

So those people on metered broadband (etc) will be downloading a fair bit more than they think they are. Surely that cost will meet them head-on at some point...

Deadly Oz snake bites tourist's todger

lansalot
Go

likewise..

Does the first person to make a joke about asking the missus to suck the poison out and her replying "I'm not falling for that one again!" win a goldfish ?

Grand Theft Auto 4 queue man stabbed in head

lansalot
Go

err

So, this guy had a knife, got in an argument and stabbed someone ? Where it happened is irrelevant - the same thing could have happened at the Cinema or in MacDonalds.

It speaks volumes about the pair of them though - one stabbing someone over an argument, and the other going home to get his knife to stab the guy back.

Let Darwin sort it out, I say !

(Kudos to a friend, however, who when I emailed him this story responded with "Did he drop a glowing bundle of cash?")

Men could have kids with chimpanzees - gov must act

lansalot

awww.

Damnit - and I'd paid the deposit for my holiday to Borneo and everything !!! That's that out the window then. :(

However, being in Inverness, I feel I have to speak up for (some of) the natives. We're not all that hairy up here ! Especially the ginger ones who for understandable reasons keep it cropped short. Sure, we have our fair share of knuckle draggers or "chimpanchavs" as I will now call them, but I'd wager it's no more than any other city of this latitude.

Perhaps this loving christian fellow is maybe trying to retire on the insanity plea or something ? He gives the rest of the Wee Free virgin-policeman-torching, wicker-man-worshipping churchgoers round these parts a bad name.

Further, it's a sad day indeed when your loving God turns out to have such a cruel sense of humour - surely, he'd be only too delighted to have all his creatures in a big love-in ?

Yours, homo-erectus-ly etc etc

Congo lynch mobs attack penis-snatching sorcerers

lansalot

simple

Man steals penis ? Get Professor Duff on the case !

"Off with their goolies !"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RP2xarcSEW8

YouTube divorce rant vid wows the crowd

lansalot
Go

well

if it's any help - I think I know why he's divorcing you.

Good luck for the future - I think you're gonna need it !

BT's secret Phorm trials open door to corporate eavesdropping

lansalot
Stop

err..

> "I'm absolutely sickened and appalled," Pete John, who has tried to interest authorities, told The Register this week.

Get a grip, I told Pete John this week. With all that goes on in the world, if that's the kind of thing that sickens and appalls you then I'm surprised you have the wherewithall to get out of bed in the morning.

That said, keep up the good fight (when you've got your health back, naturally :)) !

Swedish lag's wooden todgers fail to impress

lansalot
Go

err

"The recipients, however, were "not inclined to take advantage of the wooden phalluses and instead reported the matter to police"."

So, how come he was charged with sexual molestation then ? Surely "suggestion to self-inflict sexual molestation" would be more appropriate ?

tsk tsk tsk...

From a Health & Safety pov however, there could have been some nasty splinters - so probably as well to return them.

Ohio man cuffed for shagging picnic table

lansalot
Go

:O

To be fair, I did see a picture of the table in question - and it was definitely asking for it...

He could have at least brought it dinner first though...

Nokia N810 internet tablet

lansalot
Thumb Up

ah but..

The major problem with the Nokia N810 is - the Asus EEE Pc. The Eee PC is cheaper and more pc-alike (that's assuming you can get hold of one, of course).

And this coming from an N800 owner. It was a superb device when I bought it - and it still is - but for all the Eee offers for less money (albeit in a bigger form factor), it's getting harder to justify the Nokia.

Toshiba's board to kybosh HD DVD this week?

lansalot
Unhappy

hmm..

"'the other reason I'm not buying a Blu-Ray player is the fact that there's no guarantee the player I buy today will work with the disks I buy tomorrow.'

No, you ARE guaranteed to be able to play the movie, which let's face it is the important part. It's all the extras that may not be compatible."

Now who's cherry-picking ? If you're content to only have part of the product you paid for working, then good luck to you.

"'I guess any blu-ray manufacturers who aren't Sony can start getting concerned round about now'

Again, No. The blu-ray standards have to be available to ALL consortium members. This is not a sony owned proprietory format, lots of different companies are involved."

Yep, available to all. And since DVD was invented, we've seen that manufacturers just can't adhere to standards - remember when The Matrix wouldn't play on a fair few players? My point is that with a moving target (as people become more adept at BR authoring, they'll push to the latest standards - this has always been the way it works), this situation is likely to only get worse.

lansalot
Pirate

doh!

Well, despite owning the HD-DVD for the 360 (which is far too noisy to watch a film in peace with anyway), I'm actually glad this is all over.

It's been far too annoying for far too long. So despite the fact that I'll eventually buy a Blu-Ray player and consign the 360 kit to the cupboard, I'll at least be able to console (haha) myself that I wasn't one of the really early adopters who paid hundreds for their kit.

I'm sure that this experience is something everyone will remember next time the AV industry moves on a leap. The consumer gets screwed in the short term, but when the time comes, the manufacturere will get their's when they want us to open our wallets for the next big thing.

Of course, the other reason I'm not buying a Blu-Ray player is the fact that there's no guarantee the player I buy today will work with the disks I buy tomorrow. You know, what with the standard not being set in stone etc.

Hmm. I wonder if any manufacturer sells a blu-ray equipped device, that can easily connect to the internet for updates for those troublesome discs ? You know, someone with some inside knowledge about blu-ray itself, the kind of manufacturer who really knows the system inside out? The kind of manufacturer who has shipped the most blu-ray units out there to date ? I mean, that would have to be the most compatible device out there, and thus you'd be guaranteed a smooth experience if you bought one of their players.

Or to put it another way - I guess any blu-ray manufacturers who aren't Sony can start getting concerned round about now...

Britt Ekland on board for 'Wicker Man 2'

lansalot
Unhappy

hmm...

Poor pun ahoy:

"The girl we found in a club was promised back the next day to the place she was performing. To my distress I discovered she was still with the crew, having a good time, two weeks later.""

Did they Dick-er, Man ?

Dutch fire up petrol-pumping robot

lansalot
Coat

ah ha ...

>To be honest I was more concerned with "I was on a farm and I saw a robotic arm milking a cow. "

...

Reminds me of an old Emo Philips gag...

(to be read while wriggling about uncomfortably on a chair, waving arms around and pulilng your own hair).

I was on the farm the other day, and my father said "Emo, go milk those cows". I came back later and he asked "How did you get on?", and I replied: "The one with the horns nearly killed me!!". He said, "You idiot Emo - that was the bull!!"

So, now I'm not feeling so bad I only got half a cup...

All blue-eyed people share one common ancestor

lansalot
Go

so...

Does that mean that if I happen across any blue-eyed couples, that I should grab my crufix/pitchfork and denounce them (loudly) as aberrations, in-breeders and general against-God's-law types ?

Cool. But tough luck for you, Iceland. Prepare to burn !

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_color#Blue

Yours, Daily-Mail-grabbingly..

American Jezebel solicited 'freelance' hit men on Craigslist

lansalot
Go

aye aye...

"At some point, Linscott told the man she would like to move to Butte County."

Oh, to meet a woman like that ! Best euphemism ever ?

*sorry*

Driller Killer unleashed on UK public

lansalot
Black Helicopters

link between film violence and the real stuff ?

I've no idea frankly - but I'm off to buy shares in Black & Decker, just in case.

Yours, Daily-Mail-clutchingly etc etc

ps, how about an icon for torch-wielding-villagers (or Mary Whitehouse, at the very least) ??

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