Posts by Dr. E. Amweaver

UK consumer help bloke Martin Lewis is suing Facebook over fake ads

Er, speaking as an ex-ITV person, hell yes we were responsible for any ad we showed.

All TV ads have to go through clearance and compliance processes to ensure they're fair, truthful and balanced - in fact, to a standard that puts them well ahead of a lot of TV content.

And any time we didn't, the ASA shows up and all hell breaks loose...

"When the ASA feels a complaint is justified, it can take action with the broadcaster concerned. The ASA can require the broadcaster [note: not the advertiser, the broadcaster] to withdraw the advertisement immediately, amend it or suspend it while investigations are carried out."

...and if that wasn't enough...

"For serious or repeated breaches of the Code, Ofcom may impose sanctions, ranging from a formal warning to a request for broadcast correction or a statement of findings, a fine or the shortening, suspending or taking away of a licence to broadcast."

Even in the cosseted world of ad salesmen where breaches of personal conduct were common and the odd bit of dodginess tolerated, if your screwup causes the ASA to do so much as send a pointed email, it's a career-ending move. As in "never eat lunch in this town again".

Huge flying arse makes successful test flight

When I first saw the headline...

...could have sworn it was a story about Trump on AirForce 1. Still think he should get one though. It suits him.

Sextortion on the internet: Our man refuses to lie down and take it

Charlie Brooker HAS SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT

...sweet Freya in Asgard.

Charlie Brooker predicted the PM's pig thing (sort of). The new Netflix Black Mirror series uses exactly this kind of blackmail as one of the key plotlines for the episode Shut Up And Dance...

SETI Institute damps down 'wow!' signal report from Russia

MIBs not happy either way

The signal apparently occurred in a range used by military comms and satellites, so it might be an undisclosed satellite.

Or it could be "EARTH TAKEN OVER BY FLOOD ORGANISM MASQUERADING AS TRUMP-UNIT. COMMENCE HALO PURGE IMMEDIATELY".

Ultra-cool dwarf throws planetary party

Ultra-cool dwarf star?

TRAPPIST-1?

Frankly, "set course for the Tyrion system" would be cooler...

Slander-as-a-service: Peeple app wants people to rate and review you – whether you like it or not

Re: Things...

Excellent point. However,my company recently adopted Prezi,which takes eight times as long to do and is by default public forever. Making it private is (a) tricky and (b) costs. So if ANYTHING deserves to feel the flames…

Re: Could be great for dating

"Poor hygiene and strange smells in downstairs area, would not eat there again"

--me, reviewing local Jamie's Italian.

What?

Things...

Too many things to say on this one. I really need the reg to introduce bullet points. Or a powerpoint upload.

In brief:

- Founders claim they believe people are "genuinely good". Have they been on this thing called "the Internet" lately? Even basic commenting functions get abused in more creative and imaginative ways than the most paranoid, tinfoil-hatted mod can code against. This isn't just feeding the trolls, it's giving them a smørgasbørd. Which is, of course, pleasingly Norwegian on both counts.

- Founders are upset that multiple fake profiles of them have been created in the last 24 hours. Sheesh. Imagine that. People using your information without your knowledge to criticise you. Irony is clearly not their strong suit.

- Somewhere out there, $5m of VC money and $50k of US government grants went into producing this. I'd like to meet those funders, as I've been busily adding value to Tower Bridge through monitoring, rating and curating the footfall on a daily basis, and I believe that gives me rights to resell shares in the bridge and its traffic.

- The whole thing is probably a PR stunt for Charlie Brooker's new Netflix series. Or if it's not, their PR team need to hire those two immediately.

Ofcom's Local TV dream: No smut, an hour of news, endless ads

Speaking as one of the few people who's ever tried to do this...

Spoke to DCMS last year and plans are VERY VERY set in stone- the Ministry mandarin was quite literally terrified, ranty and sweating at the thought of any newfangled ideas that might have actually fixed this, like instant UGC upload and voting, grouped content sharing as Anglia/Meridian/London used to do, or Spotrunner-style online ad purchasing.

This is NOT GONNA FLY as a US-style local franchising model - mainly because their mandarins consultants clearly don't get how that works either (or more and more frequently,doesn't)..

Microsoft bribes Oz to ditch Firefox

In a word...

...IETab?

Red rag to both proper developers and haX0rs everywhere, not to mention anyone who wants to do a fake "you've just won... now give us your bank details so we can pay you" to fool any bogan who runs across it.

Also, @ AB3, I think the pTerry take on Australia is appropriate. The invaluable part-work "Dangerous Mammals, Reptiles, Amphibians, Birds, Fish, Jellyfish, Insects, Spiders, Crustaceans, Grasses, Trees, Mosses and Lichens of Terror Incognita" extends at least into "Volume 29c Part Three", while a list of the harmless ones contains only "Some of the sheep."

Jedi officers enlist with Scottish police

Load of bantha fodder if you ask me...

Incidentally, did anyone notice the Iranian Revolutionary Guard are now hiring Wookies?

Busted! Conficker's tell-tale heart uncovered

@Norman Andrews:

...you are Michael Jackson and I claim my £5.

@Dan & co: second round of drinks are on me.

Facebook spams social networkers with phishy email

Not the only one...

I've been repeatedly warned by Lloyds TSB that they've sent me no genuine emails in the last three weeks, as they seem to be having something of a spam storm.

So on receiving spam from Lloyds TSB PrivacyGuard, I duly reported it - and got politely told to bog off because that one was genuine, although it was from a sister company.

Frankly, if a FRAUD PREVENTION unit of my bank - whether a direct report or a trading partner is sending out suspiciously phishy emails when they're telling me they're not... time to break out the LARTS in their security department?

(That'd be the perfect way of doing it just too... "hey, tovarisch, you can have all your details protected in proper Siberian salt mine- just tell us them all and sign up now at LTSB.RUSSIAN.BIZ.NET..." It's irony on a basic level, but I'd get a hoot out of it)

Paris justification: she knows all about privacy issues.

Batman sues Batman over Batman

I'm Batman and so is my wife.

Mine's the black leather one with the hood and the anatomically correct nipples.

Highfield joins Microsoft after just four months at Project Kangaroo

Tie me kangaroo down, sport...

...no worries, cobbers, there'll be another entertainingly-named project along in five minutes or so.

Not necessarily with ITV though - too much belt-tightening going on. (It'd make me feel much better about that, BTW, if I could tighten it around a couple of executive necks...*)

*joke stolen from the great prophet Hicks, may his name be praised forever.

Feds seize biker gang's trademark

Update from today's paper...

...this is unusually clever stuff for the Federales. The confirmed ruling means that anyone wearing a patch or whose bike sports the decal can be stopped and have infringing property seized.

Odd thought...

...if you have a Mongols tatt. could the Feds really seize a pound of flesh for misappropriation of govt property?

Mine's the black leather one with the pocket protectors and "BORN TO /RUN hog.exe"

TfL considers life without Oyster

Since it's hot and massively crowded...

Shouldn't they just rebrand it as "Hell plc" and start accepting mortal souls?

Dawkins' atheist ad campaign hits fundraising target

Richard Dawkins is as much of...

...an intractable fundamentalist bent on destroying opposing worldviews as any crazed choir-singing maniac I've shared a plane with.

(Believe me, being the only goth on a plane of 300 fundies is no picnic. Particularly on Pan Am.)

At least choir-crazed maniacs believe in SOMETHING.

Paris, because she knows Dawkins is really the alien lizard shapeshifter who was masquerading as the Queen Mum up until a few years ago.

Lehman Excel snafu could cost Barclays dear

Yet another reason to hate Excel, but...

If you want a thing done properly, DO IT YOURSELF. Those rows shouldn't even have been IN the damn document if it's going outside your direct control.

Paris: spread, sheets. Enough said.

PS @ Mark and Reg Admin: I vote for the Hoff as "Male Paris".

Sky and BBC in iPlayer deal

Maybe then the ITV Player...

...could get links into Sky and BBC. Oh, no, wait, they're depth-charging Kanga, and the BBC don't give a stuff.

Still, with their share price, not long before ITV get new owners who have (a) balls, (b) more aggressive lawyers and (c) actually know a thing or two about making entertainment. I for one will welcome the new mouse-eared overlords of the UK media industry.

Come to think of it - "Who's the leader of the gang that's great for you and me... M-I-C, K-E-Y, G-R-A-D-E..."

Mine's the one with "Not A Desperate High School Musical Ripoff, Honest" branding on it, available from all good stores...

GooTube snubs McCain's call for DMCA favoritism

Maybe if he didn't...

...use songs and content from primarily Democratic-leaning bands - and his licences PROBABLY DO NOT cover worldwide electronic reproduction via teh intarwehb tubes - he might stand a better chance, and used entirely Republican-supporting musicians instead.

So, that's... Ted Nugent, Ted Nugent, The Nuge, some more Uncle Ted and Ted Nugent.

Paris... for President.

(All politicians screw you over, but at least someone'd release hawt videos afterwards).

Vista scrabbles for X Factor

If you work in marketing or advertising...

...kill yourselves.

Just planting seeds, here.

[Paris, because it's vastly unjust that Bill Hicks never got to do her. Do material about her. Material. That's it.]

Canada sex shop heist shafts proprietress

I demand... a Playmobil reconstruction!

...featuring Paris.

Martin Sheen backs Paris for president

...does anyone know where to either get or make...

Paris Hilton for President 2008 t-shirts?

Russell Crowe to play Bill Hicks?

@AC on Marketing People...

...ooh, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar. HUGE DOLLAR!

Trouble with this kind of biopic is that the actor is rarely if ever actually as funny/talented as the person they're emulating.

Cases in point: Man On The Moon (Jim Carrey does Andy Kaufman: though his Latka impression is uncanny), David Walliams as Frankie Howerd, or Steve Martin as himself in in the semi-autobiographical Shopgirl.

MPs lambast BBFC over Batman

Hey kids... wanna see a magic trick?

The disappearing pencil trick is enough to have sent this into 15 territory. I've seen recent 18s that were tamer...

...you really do have to ask, did the BBFC clear this as a 12A because they were afraid of getting sued over the commercial damage?

These guys need some legal immunity and some teeth.

Paris, because she's rated for everyone.

Quantum of Solace trailer teases fans

As Heaven Is Wide

...would be a much better title for this, not to mention providing a ready-made theme tune.

US regulators lapse into state of approval for HP's EDS buy

and let's not mention...

...does this double HP's black operations and surveillance budget as well?

UK civil servant leaves Top Secret Iraq war intelligence documents on a train

Delusions of competence...

The phrases "Government Security" and "Government Intelligence" are rapidly becoming oxymorons, largely because the morons running them.

These were numbered, highly confidential docs that despite their small size had a number of military critical pieces of information in them - not to mention a diplomatically difficult critique of the state of the Iraqi Army.

Considering how much .gov loves RFID tech, shouldn't all such docs now have RFID stickers that scream blue bloody murder to security if they are let out of the building? This is something my company does for mission critical docs (reasonably large media company, slightly gutted this went to the Beeb rather than us).

Also, going back to the earlier issues with stolen laptops, why wasn't the data on it auto-encrypted? Fingerprint logon and encrypted partitions are, again, something we use for all mission critical apps, not to mention proper firewalling and AVS.

You would expect that a government that claims to have a mandate on national and info security would take at least the same precautions you'd expect of a decent-sized business.

Paris: because (a) she has more of a clue about this bunch and (b) enjoys being secured before confidential debriefings.

Congressmen say Chinese hacked their PCs

thing about Chinese hack attacks...

...twenty minutes later, you want another one.

Coat, obviously.

Asus floors it with Lamborghini laptop revamp

and comes with a USB mouse...

...in the shape of Richard Hammond. Lifesize.

Paris likes hamsters.

'Legit' website compromises reach epidemic proportions

paranoia for dummies

1. If you're going to use Sql, attack test it yourself.at least ensure any prog that interfaces with SQL removes escape characters.

2. Never leave Sql login visible on a script whose source can be publically read.(surprisingly common on dev machines)

3. Ideally, lock down which progs can access ftp and or cpanel to a tightly restricted IP range. 4. Tinfoil nipple pasties essential.

French FNARRista speed-cam bomber scores own goal

Finally, a way to make golf on TV interesting...

...and give a whole new meaning to the word "bunker"...

Japanese customs dish out free dope

@multipharious... talk about a job that stinks

Definitely not taking the mickey out of anyone who has to inspect shoes for a living - particularly not ones that people have driven to the airport in or spent hours sweating in on a plane.

Black Helicopter Line: now departing to Eastern Europe and Egypt from London City Airport. Book your next rendition now!

UPDATE: honesty prevails, hara-kiri not required

"Japan Today reports that the passenger discovered a small metal box containing the cannabis tucked in a side compartment of his suitcase when he got to his hotel. The man called police who returned the cannabis to Narita airport", Japan Today said.

US cops would have nicked him for possession anyway, even if self-reported...

http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,23765018-952,00.html

us customs dogs...

Went berzerk over my bag containing two pounds of oreo cookies and ignored Canadian fellow traveller's 142g.

One Double Stuf caramel coated Paris, I think.

Welsh Darth Vader dodges jail

Holyhead = Dagobah?

Looks like a swamp, nothing to do except Jedi training, then Darth Vader appears and beats the c**p out of you.

Paris: piece of ass, fine she is, yess, hmm?

Kiwi airliners converted into giant iPod docks

OK, not flying Air NZ again...

...given how bad the battery life of most Apple accessories is...

Oz driver sticks seatbelt on slab of beer

@GrahamT: "Bogue" is what you're after...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bogan

DVD smut malware blights US forces in Iraq

Weapons of Mass Turbation?

G'night folks!

US: BAE 'could have' pirated our secret Stealth 3.0 tech sauce

Apocraphyl story...

...any truth in the rumours that:

- US inspectors were stunned to find that UK Army land rovers not only used an almost identical radar absorbent paint for years before Stealth, but got it considerably cheaper

- said paint doesn't work in the rain, or even moisture-heavy cloud banks?

Black Helicopter: because none of this would have ever happened to Airwolf.

When flash mobs go bad

Police will review the CCTV footage...

..."frankly, the scripting was poor, the director needs more work on this genre and the actors all need to be thrown downstairs repeatedly... I mean, gently spoken to until they learn some discipline in their craft. Next week: we interview Tarantino in connection with the crime against cinema that was DeathProof. Evenin' all."

Paris: and why not?

Tag-a-lag: Chip implants mooted for UK prisoners

Intestinate! Intestinate!

Better movie example was "Fortress" (with prisoners controlled by stomach-based agonizers, neutron cannons, a godawful script and nasty scowling from Kurtwood Smith).

Sounds like the sort of thing lily-livered liberals would go for over the exploding collars, anyway.

Fasthosts primes another password reset

Happy SLAppers

Their press section praising the speed of response of their support team gave my a wry, simple chuckle.

Having support mails answered promptly is good.

Having them answered correctly by someone whose IQ points exceed that of a termite, a non-animated chipmunk or the current US President would be better.

Having them answered by someone who actually knows more than you do about the relevant system, has the right experience to fix the problem, has the right access level and the time to do it promptly would be ideal.

Now if they did THAT, that would be worth a press release.

You may say I'm a dreamer... but I'm not the only one...

Virgin Media network collapses nationwide

come back NTL, all is almost forgiven...

...and if you have one of the old-school NTL cable modem boxes, DO NOT LET THEM REPLACE IT. Vastly more reliable and immune to random firmware "upgrades".

Why his Sainted Beardness thought this was a decent idea, I'll never know. And does anyone actually watch Virgin1?