* Posts by xyz

596 posts • joined 7 Dec 2007


E-scooter fanboy so hyped for Teesside to host UK's first trial


Oh the horror...

When people start wearing "I'm a Limey" T-shirts.

If I was a clearer minded thinker, I'd just paint my private e-scooter in Lime (I'm presuming some green) livery and avoid any paymentwork.

Oh, oh... What happens when you're 6 pints down and scooting home only to hit the 10pm curfew and your Lime turns into a Lemon? You going to carry it the rest of the way?

And I can't wait for the Friday night pub races... The Pickled Cock vs The Trout and Handbag and such.

I won't even mention that the GPS geofence probably won't work on the shiney new GbPoS BoJoNav system.

You can tell i got to work too early this morning.

Germany is helping the UK develop its COVID-19 contact-tracing app, says ambassador


The Germans are helping because...

Their app isn't in official Brexit blue and someone needs to change the colour so it looks "world class" and therefore Boris approved.

One does not simply repurpose an entire internet constellation for sat-nav, but UK might have a go anyway


Look, they couldn't even cobble together a...

COVID app so what makes anyone think they are going to come up with a working GPS system? Having worked at certain establishments, the only common factor in all the work undertaken is that it ends up a complete fuck up.

Boffins baffled as supergiant star just vanishes – either it partially blew itself apart or quietly turned into a black hole


People will....

Nick anything

Here's a headline we'll run this century, mark our words: Alien invaders' AI found on Mars searching for signs of life



NASA is on a fixed monthly usage tariff.

Honey, I built the app! Amazon's beta no-code dev platform is great for ad-hoc stuff, but not much else – yet


Re: MS Access Redux

Wot s/he typed...

Guerilla (or gorilla) coders deploying departmental front ends, usernames and passwords via email.

Fasten your seat belts: Brave Reg hack spends a week eating airline food grounded by coronavirus crash


Ah the good old days...

Way back at the turn of the century, I used to love my Thursday night BA flights between Heathrow and Edinburgh... It was curry night on the 'plane and I always had 2. God know what the plane smelt like the next morning. Then it all got changed and and we started getting lobbed a bag with "Enjoy" written on it. I stopped flying with BA after that.

Segway to Heaven: Mega-hyped wonder-scooter that was going to remake city transport to cease production


Huge mistake

And man were they are a huge mistake... Meanwhile, all the cool peeps are riding around on those small, light, single wheel electric things or electric scooters or the twin wheel balance board jobbies I wonder what would have happened if some commuter had tried to heave his segway onto the 8:16 from Reading of a morning?

While eyes are fixed on Apple announcements, Microsoft's streaming service Mixer goes the way of the Windows Phone


Can Bing please die too....

It can't even find me and I'm the only person on the planet with my name. Seemingly some bloke with a name quite like mine is more popular.

In Hancock's half-hour, Dido Harding offers hollow laughs: Cake distracts test-and-trace boss at UK COVID-19 briefing



Reading through the above I get the impression that el reg has connected to the BBC HYS database by mistake.

We should all know how HMG dev works by now...

1) Big announcement by knobhead using phrases like "world class" etc.

2) Some wallah who knows jack gets put in charge..

3) Developers' weekly report says this is shit/might not work and getting worse.

4) Every middle tier manager sticks some gloss on that until it is "absolutely glorious" by the time said report hits no2's inbox.

5) Budget spirals out of control.

6) Eek moment followed by silence.

7) Public enquiry into what went wrong so lessons can be learned.

UK.gov dangles £100m for service slingers for back office 'transformation' that'll kill off bespoke systems



Nuff said.

Huge if true... Trump explodes as he learns open source could erode China tech ban


Please please please...

Can we have a Trump icon?

US govt can talk about the end of lockdown, but Silicon Valley says 'as long as it takes' – and Twitter says 'WFH forever'


My girlfriend...

Has a company (>100 employees) and now having invested in the kit needed, most work from home, have a bonus scheme to keep them chipper and sales are huge (all online). They are going to bin the big office and buy more warehouse space. No one wants to go back to the old way of working. COVID won't be "over" anytime soon, so we may as well embrace this massive social change. Anyway, BJ will keep peddling COVID so everyone forgets the Brexit until it's too late.

Florida man might just stick it to HP for injecting sneaky DRM update into his printers that rejected non-HP ink



People still print stuff? Oh my!

Starship bloopers: Watch Elon Musk's Mars ferry prototype explode on the pad during liquid nitrogen test


Re: Unsurprise.

I honest to God didn't know everyone can see all your posts.... Until now! In me defence I've only been registered on this site for about 20 years!

Aww, a cute mini-moon is orbiting Earth right now. But like all good things, it too will abandon us at some point


Hold on a mo...

This thing has been parked up for 3 years and nobody noticed a 3m (approx) wide POS wafting about. I thought NASA was constantly tracking everything bigger than a small shit. And you would've thought Donald's Space Farce would have given it a poke. Obviously everyone has been in "don't mention aliens" mode up to now.

If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now: Brexit tea towel says it'll just be the gigabit broadband


Re: Drying

Get a brexit tea towel and wipe your pee stained hands on that!

Call us immediately if your child uses Kali Linux, squawks West Mids Police



They're looking for cheap tech support but are too shy to say so.

Huawei to the danger zone: Now Uncle Sam slaps it with 16 charges of racketeering, fraud, money laundering, theft of robot arm and source code


Stolen robot arm....

We all know why that was nicked!!

One word: Wolowitz

Judge Vulcan-nerve pinches JEDI deal after Amazon forks out $42m to pause Microsoft's military machinations


Vulcan Jedis!

Why do I still fancy Delenn?

Boris celebrates taking back control of Brexit Britain's immigration – with unlimited immigration program


I know, I know....

They could have a TV programme, hosted by the comedy PM himself, called Britain's got talent! People can call in and vote for who they want to let in!!

NASA is Boeing to get to the bottom of that Starliner snafu... plus SpaceX preps to blow up a Falcon 9


Creeping it up to 11....

Surely the Japanese bloke's banner should read Cum on the moon with me.

Huawei's first Google-free phone stripped and searched: Repair not too painful... once you're in


The battery!

I bought a pay as you go y6 2019 a couple of weeks ago because it was dirt cheap and the stand out thing is the battery. If the one in this phone is anywhere as good as the one in my phone, you'll be amazed. All day usage and it drops by 20%. It is serious energy storage and as I live off grid under solar i really appreciate it. I also feel a bit subversive having a phone made by people Google et al hate.

Pushing Verify in Brexit plans more about saving troubled project


Call me a cynic but....

The one thing that will get brexiteers frothing at the mouth more than not getting their brexit is having to give their "number" to some "petty functionary" so just raise the prospect, get them diverted and slip through a not really brexit whilst they're not looking. Bit of a Johnson moonwalk (which is going backwards whilst looking like you're going forward).

Microsoft throws lifeline to .NET orphans in the brave new Core world


I expect down votes...

So, after about 19 years of pissing me off, MS has finally realised that all that pseudo web-ishy (AKA that cludgy overweiight client server mentality) crap (I'm thinking as examples ASP.NET Ajax, silverlight and UI controls) they'd been peddling to keep "legacy" VB developers in the loop (instead of shot) is being chucked in the bin and someone indoors has finally realised that the client side is divorced/different from the server side. If Entity "the next version will be better" Framework can be quietly gassed on a darkened night, my life would be complete.

Google relents slightly in ad-blocker crackdown – for paid-up enterprise Chrome users, everyone else not so much



"to create stronger

security, (stop anyone else nipping at the heels of our business model)

privacy, (keep even more of your data without you realising)


performance (lob you even more of our best shit advertising)


Phew... Oi, was that you, Curiosity? Euro Mars sat inhaled mega methane blast, boffins baffled


has anyone....

worked out if these episodes of Martian whiffery are associated with May letting off another brexit honker? Mind you I've no idea of the velocity of a fart in a vacuum.

What made a super high-tech home in Victorian England? Hydroelectric witchery, for starters



Getting ready for brexit so early!

Thanks to UK peers, coming to a laptop near you in 2019: Age checks for online smut


Re: Inevitably

>I wonder if women are the larger audience for mainstream gay relationship films eg Brokeback Mountain

.... never having seen the film (bloke), I understand that 2 blokes who haven't washed, changed underwear or used bog paper for months suddenly decide to stick their ***** up each other's ***** ( in a caring and nurturing way obviously)....Can't see that appealing to women unless to comment on how much the place needed a good polishing (not French).

No, you haven't gone deaf – the Large Hadron Collider has been wound down for more upgrades



I blame it for both Trump and Brexit. After the next upgrade, I presume red faced, winged devil monkey flocks will be the accepted reality.

Visual Studio 2017 15.9 is here! Fire up your Windows on Arm laptops. All four of you


Xamarin.Android build performance improvement

Thank god for that... 6GB memory use and compiling like it's 1999. However, I'm still at the therapist recovering from trying to get VS2017's many and varied Xamarin related avenues to work together without installing "the kitchen sink" so I might hold off updating for a bit, if I actually get a choice to hold off updating for a bit that is. I don't know why MS gives you Xamarin install options when the only install option that seems to work is the "the fucking lot". Anyhoo, must face my fear and click that update link at some point I suppose.

Has science gone too far? Now boffins dream of shining gigantic laser pointer into space to get aliens' attention


I thought it was illegal...

...to shine a laser at people and pilots etc. I should imagine cosmic plod will hove into view sharpish and cuff the crims (i.e. us)

Microsoft yanks the document-destroying Windows 10 October 2018 Update


Can they stop all the other updates too


I am (was) trying to develop, vs 2017 on win 10 (in the woods) and I seemed to spend half my dev time waiting for shit to update as whatever daily "optimisation" chomped through my mobile's bandwidth allowance. I mean over 500mb an hour, wtf is MS installing and who the hell DOESN'T have a metered connection outside of CorpWorld. I won't even mention all the other stuff that wants to update itself with the same enthusiasm.

I got so fed up of this, I went back to my old laptop....win 7, vs 2012 and SSMS to do the database and web services, so I've missed this update FAIL....yay! Then once a week, I go to the bar and and watch my win10 laptop melt their WiFi whilst I have a cold beer or 10.

Can someone please point out to MS that not everyone has fibre cable the diameter of a sewer pipe nor the cash to pay to have their OS renew itself daily.


Euro bureaucrats tie up .eu in red tape to stop Brexit Brits snatching back their web domains


Flame on peeps...

Must have missed the "El Reg now a division of the Daily Bile" memo.

Anyway yes there are too many civil servants in the EU and they produce a tonne of shite but as you lot have decided to flounce off the pitch it's not your problem anymore is it. You bunch of net curtain twitchers.

All that dust on Mars is coming from one weird giant alien structure


isn't this the plot from....

Mission to Mars where they fire a radar at some mountain, mountain goes apeshit, dust flies everywhere and a giant alien face is exposed

Spidey sense is literally tingling! Arachnids detect Earth's electric field, use it to fly away


do a Google for....

lifter. there used to be a Web site called American antigravity back at the turn of the century that created lifters. Similar principle. There will be some videos on YouTube. Short answer is not a lot.

Gov.UK to make its lovely HTML exportable as parlous PDFs


The way government works is this....

Oxbridge types (of the blue sky persuasion) do not use computers; they want a hard copy (emails, info etc) from their "girls" and still give dictation.

SPADs and other assorted climber-upers only believe in something if it's in Excel.

Managers tell their "girls" to type stuff into Word, save as pdf and slap it on their intranet page.

Only "girls" (and other data entry types) use "working class" html.

You can bet that behind this "necessity" is some crusty who wants his "girl" to send him an email with a pdf attachment so he can print it off.

To give you an idea of the arseness available... one top dog was on hols in France and was viewing a 320 page document on the UN web site, he wanted a copy so he phoned his "girl" in London and told her to print it off and fax it to him. I am not joking.

IT systems still in limbo as UK.gov departments await Brexit policy – MPs


I know....

they buy the eu's systems, change the screen colour to brexit blue!

I'm just gagging to use the brexit gps system...when you get on the ferry at Dover all it keeps repeating is "THAR BE FOREIGNERS!"

Particle boffins calculate new constraints for probability of finding dark matter



the 1800s had aether.

the 1980s gave us the dark stuff.

now we've got loop quantum gravity as the groovy name

same shit, different fashion statement.

BA CEO blames messaging and networks for grounding


how about...

the grandfather clock syncing their stuff reset itself to 1971

Kill Google AMP before it kills the web


Re: Oh, meant to say - the Reg site is really slow on mobile

doing my mobile bit.... binned Chrome installed Opera Mini, binned Google search, started using DuckDuckGo and lo...instead of bashing the bishop at 1GB+ a month, I'm cruising at about 117MB a month.... and pages actually load without having to make a coffee each time I click on something. Google is EVIL!

Brexit White Paper published: Broad strokes, light on detail


A BRexit human shield writes...

As someone who is about to be pressganged as negotiating fodder in the upcoming May's "Great British Fuck Off" vs EU bloody foreigners grudge match (I live in Spain), I'm going to stick my oar in here.

What May's mayhem brigade write or say is irrelevant from their viewpoint and is done only to cover what the history books write. The keypoint is that whatever is agreed is of no consequence because what the Tories want is this damp and wet Singapore scenario.

This will all end in tears because the EU is run by about a billion civil servants who do jack until all the paperwork is in order. Drives you nuts, but taking a step back from them will only increase the paperwork and cost.

The other key point no one seems to realise is that even with zero tarrifs, there is a hell of a difference between selling widgets to the EU and Merc (for example) selling a luxury brand to the UK. Businesses need to buy at a price point, consumers want to buy come whatever. This leaves Perkins Widgets of Scunthorpe up shit creek whereas Merc will just carry on as normal.

Also no one buys anything in the EU (business or consumers) unless it is stamped, has the correct documentation and legal approvals (administred by the billion civil servants). It's a nightmare, but it's the only game in town if you want to deal here.

To give you an idea of the difference, why do you think all those African blokes were camped at Calais and trying to get into the "UK?" Well, it wasn't for the good food and welcomming neighbours, it was because you can't even join a gym in the EU without your identity number and without the correct paperwork you cannot rent someplace, buy a car, in fact pretty much anything except buy food.

This is what May's madmen are about to put you through, all to appeal to the readers of the Daily Zennerfoab, dribbling in their soup, whilst holding tight their walking sticks incase there are any loose Romanians in the vicinity.

rant over

Pip pip!

UK.gov tells freelance techies to slap 20 per cent on fees as IR35 tax hike looms


I suppose...

Once Mad May has turned the UK into a corporation tax haven to smite the EU and attact foreign companies, you just set up an Irish company, rent an office in your house and tell HMRC to swivel. Can't be that easy surely? Mind you I gave up the whole IT thing a couple of years ago when a certain gov dept tried to make me "volunteer" extra tax payments to which my response was to tell them to "do one" so I probably know nothing.

'Toyota dealer stole my wife's saucy snaps from phone, emailed them to a swingers website'


Or is this a new take on the old....

"I was hoovering naked when I slipped and..." excuse, Honest gov, we didn't put pics on a swingers'site, it was the car salesman.

Quantum traffic jam of atoms could unlock origin of dark energy, physicists claim


did a similar experiment years ago

"Traffic jammed" electrons....you get some "weird shit" results which I'm still trying to work out. Hint: look for a mach cone. Not being smut, just sayin'

Microsoft: We're hugging trees to save the 'world'


Hold up....

...is that green rug in the picture, Microsoft's engineers' idea of a tree? We're doomed.

EU will force telcos to offer 90 days of 'roam like home' contracts


Bugger...I've been found out

Been using my three "feel at home" contract in Spain for about 20 months now and bloody useful it is too. Hey ho, now I'll have to use my Spanish pay as you go pos. Odd thing is that the eu stated that it's illegal for UK car insurers to use the same conditions with car insurance contracts and that they must provide 365 day eu cover as part of the contract.

UK watchdog: You. Facebook. Get over here now. This WhatsApp privacy update. Explain


Looking forward...

...To the husband of whose wife I'm"seeing" getting in touch as Facebook will determine we have similar interests. Oh and all my exgirlfriends suddenly becoming best mates. the joys of connectivity!

We're going to bring an asteroid fragment into Lunar orbit


If I remember correctly....

.... those Martian blokes tried this a while back with Phobos and Deimos.... and look what happened to them.

Windows Phone dives into irrelevant-like-BlackBerry territory


Re: Blackberry has gone with Android already

I love my Lumia 925 but need to upgrade my phone and contract. Tried buying a new winPho and/or changing my contract yesterday, but between MS's rubbish phone site, my fear of win 10 (and love of win pho 8.1) and the poor winpho offer from mobile providers, I'm just going to buy a new role of tape to hold my Lumia's case together and pray to God that one day MS stops screwing the pooch.



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