Posts by Chris Collins

UK gov scraps '£1bn' prisoner tracking system

Re Tenders

I think you'll find it's people fucking with the plan before it's finished. If you specify the requirements in the contract and then some pen-pusher in whitehall decides he wants it to do his email and calendar as well, you can charge on a kind of time and expenses basis outside the agreed figure. A cynic would say that EDS know that some level z civil servant will add his tuppence to the contract, and hence bid low. In the government you never say no to requests as you'll be fingered out as not being a team player. Plus, all input is equal and must be evaluated as such, no matter how shit the suggestion.

Former beauty queen cuffed for torturing ex

Ridden hard, put away wet

She looks a little high maintenance. As a side note, I might suggest a lady of her stature would be better off using a 9 mil or a .22 than a .45.

US surgeon snaps patient's tattooed todger

Not hard

I will only be impressed if it's tattooed across his bell end.

Knickerless: the secure data centre connection

Duster?

My mum used to retain worn out undergarments as dusters. Perhaps some environmentally conscious techie has done the same. Or perhaps it's the aroma that reminds him of good times on those lonely late shifts.

Football horns could spread Black Death, says Interpol chief

Quips?

No disease-riddled horn quips yet? Ahem - I have one in my trousers already, seems to terrorise the ladies. *barumph-tish*

Surely this is as much comedy as the nonsense the government spews out. Oh, and it's Brown and Bush now, not Blair. Pay attention.

Beer makes people have sex with you

The horror

Clearly after 15 partners your cock will crumble into dust. Is the .26 partner Heather Mills?

Chilean hooker plans 27-hour charity sexathon

That's a man, baby

What, there's a moderator? There are actually comments that don't get posted? The mind boggles.

Police Complaints joins inquest into Darling data giveaway

I can save them some time

Allow me to save any further wasted tax money (put £24 billion in the big, black hole, you say) and to complete the recommendations for them - don't send the information on CD by post.

Lost HMRC discs pop up on eBay

Excel probably

I imagine that the data has one of those fiendishly difficult to crack Excel passwords on it. We can all sleep easily.

UK charity acts on YouTube bullying

Role models?

If your role models are Ronan Keating and Captain Pickard then you deserve a beating. Plus, did not one of the Girls Aloud have a problem with black people? Does beating toilet attendents up whilst hurling racist abuse at them count as bullying? Or are we supposed to gloss over that fact?

Singapore allows sale of 'lesbian' video game

Combine the two?

Could Rockstar change all the characters in manhunt 2 to lesbians, thus changing it to a discrimination situation. They could even throw in some bean flicking to increase the game's appeal.

NZ bans Brit immigrant's overweight missus

Man the harpoons!

Exactly how big is his missus?

Spanish cartoonists fined for royal sex mag cover

Re Gordon Brown

I think you'll find that Gordo would be unable to sue for libel as he truly is a useless cunt.

Indian man marries dog to lift mutt-murder curse

Wifely duties

Surely the big question is - can the dog cook?

Rackspace flattened by Texas trucker

Resilience

I thought resilience meant "what if the data centre was nuked?" as well. Surely this is a single point of failure. Given what I have seen and heard of American driving standards perhaps this is not a perfect storm. I understand the phobia Americans have for small cars is widely based on a fear of being crushed by amphetamine-crazed long distance waggon drivers.

Florida cops issue shock 'Butthash' warning

BBC news

The BBC reported on this subject in Mozambique or somewhere about two years ago. Apparently huffing old turds has a history. It might well be something I would let others experiment with, though. I can afford beer.

Linky

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/406067.stm

Found it.

EU unveils air passenger 'risk profiling' plan

Where's the Tube profiler

Further to Nomen's comment, this will clearly also prevent people driving down the M1 to London and blowing themselves up on public transport. Or attempting to do so. Could you not also hijack a ferry and sail it into an oil depot? Not quite as dramatic as a plane but still a huge bang. Plus there's plenty of people on board you could kill in the bang.

Still, all of these things will be cured by ID cards so we should stop worrying. With ID cards there will be no terrorism.

China goes lunar

Independent verification

Surely the most important task for these countries is to provide independent verification of the US moon landings. Let the Chinese resolve this intriguing mystery once and for all.

Teflon top cop evades justice, responsibility

Take him down

I'm all for Blair being forced out over this. He's responsible, he must fall on his sword. Plus he pisses me off - this is the man who gets soused at public events and makes an ass of himself and then tells us plebs that we should pay more for booze as we're all irresposible drunks. Cuntstubble.

Darling swings on capital gains

Hooray for Labour

Once again proving they know fuck all about anything except wasting money and robbing people blind.

Oz 'Family First' candidate sacked for todger-flash email

Easy solution

Any easy solution to this would be to show the in situ knob to a reputable source and have them compare and contrast with the image. Or he could take a picture of his wiener and publish it on the internet with some sort of affadavit, "look, it's not mine, this is what mine looks like."

Safe drinking guidelines 'plucked out of the air'

Quakers are back

I thought we'd sent all of our temperance puritans to America. Why are they back here bothering us normal folk again? This quack can fuck off and get back to his job, rather than waffling aimlessly about other people's enjoyment of life. I thought the doctor was supposed to heal the sick, not moan about the type of sick he gets and how he'd like a different kind of sick people to deal with. I don't want to deal with fat alcoholics, I only want obscure genetic diseases that only appear after you hit 80. STFU and GBTW, as they say.

Delhi's deputy mayor killed by monkeys

heathen snipers

What they need are filthy atheists or some kind of heathen who don't hold such beliefs and have them armed as night-time knacker men. That way they could perform the removal tasks without those of a delicate nature being alerted to the monkey apocalypse at their doorstep. They could then sell them back to the locals in pies or kebabs, thus completing the holy circle of life.

Women's panties threaten Burmese Junta

Economic funding

Surely we're not supposed to be funding this regime, all those knickers flooding the black market after being resold. Shwe is probably parading around in them as we speak, getting the right sort of scent going.

UK fast food peppered with salt

Daily dose

So, people are taking their kids to PizzaHut every day of the week, now? And that would be bad for you? Well bugger me backwards, who'd of thought it.

You aren't going to suddenly die of salt poisoning from a couple of grams over the limit once a month. They load it with salt so that the synthi-cheese and ruskburgers taste of something. If your amorphous crotchfruit blobs are eating at McDonkeys more than once a month then it's not just salt that's the issue. Diabetes and coronary heart disease should be higher up your lists of concern.

Bubbly billygoat-bursting boffinry brouhaha at MoD

Volunteers?

It always amuses me that these bleeding heart hippy liberals don't want animal testing but as soon as one gets diabetes or needs a barychamber then I don't see them volunteering to die painfully. It's a goat. Maybe it feels good inside to be saving human kind. Perhaps we should only experiment on animal rights knob-ends.

Pennsylvania woman in legal doo-doo for lav profanities

Grades?

Would this be a graded system, or is saying 'fish mitten' as bad as saying 'cunt'? Do the natives of Scrotum have to wander round with comedy horns to honk when they trip over paving slabs or catch their fingers in doors?

Digital Switchover: town to lose BBC 2 tomorrow

Patchy as hell reception

Most of the places I have lived in have ropey as hell freeview reception, what do our beloved overlords intend to do about the dire state of picture quality? It's not like you can watch a snowy version?

DA suppressed Alabama Baptist pastor autopsy

I find it interesting

I find the rubber-clad dildo-arsed death of a vicar highly interesting and deem it worthy of reproduction here in The Register. If you're some kind of community leader and they find you hanging by your ball-sack in a fur suit I think it's in the public interest. Sure, you're entitled to your sick perversions in the privacy of your own home but if you die nailing your cock to the dinner table hen prepare to be laughed at. We all laughed at Mr Hands.

Nissan builds twirly-cab sideways electric pod-car

Babe magnet

Clearly a babe magnet. Clarkson-esque knicker elastic snapping embodiment of throbbing manhood.

MPs slam employment agency IT

Same old, same old

I remember from my dole-scrounging days that my fortnightly visits to the Job Centre could be a major chore due to bad data. Old adverts, out of date information, poor keywords and abysmal regional mapping all made the visit an hour-long nightmare. Unless I was interviewed by the nice hippy chick. Unlike the evil old battleaxe, she would allow a cursory check of the list and a swift stamp of the book.

SMS-enabled solar parking meters for Eastbourne

Further money spinning?

Has no-one thought of the potential for "chat" text messages and other sms spam? You could churn them out whilst the thing was bored waiting for an ambush.

China Mobile connects top of the world

Maybe commercial reasons

A cynic would say that perhaps this is to squeeze those last few ringtones and Hollyoaks text message updates out of you before your fingers fall off.

"Ring the frozen corpse of your loved one for only £1.50 a minute!"

Terror police lock down Soho to smoke out 9lbs of chillis

Ban it

Clearly chillis are a danger to society and should be banned. This chappy appears to be a foreign national, perhaps he should spend 90 days in the clink whilst we think about what we can find him guilty for. Hooray, freedom.

Junta downs Burma's only ISP

Pronounciation

Just out of idle curiosity, would it be better to pronounce it as "Hoon-tah" or Anglicise it to "Junt-uh"?

Vanessa Hudgens net smut: your children are at risk

Not porn

Porn is people getting jiggy or, at a minimum, hamburger shots with some sort of salacious angle, not nudity. Hudgens's pic was just plain old nudey pics, although I didn't realise 70s retro included muffs. You can see people's minges on the nine o'clock news these days, Britney's flaps must have a suntan from all the flash photography.

Balls: Schools should police the net

Not really the same impact?

I fail to see how BrItNeY4EvA calling me a "fat ginger twat!!! LOL!" is really as effective a bullying technique as a swift punch to the face. Go outside and play in the fresh air, kids.

Legal threat to 'Green nuke' consultation

Carbon neutral

Ultimately it's still pretty much carbon neutral energy (the infrastructure isn't) and churns out lots of it in one go, unlike a wind turbine. If people are banging on about no greenhouse gases then I challenge them for a viable alternative to oil and gas. Cover the entire island of Great Britain in windfarms and we still don't have enough. The Japanese and the French manage it with nuclear.

World of Warcraft smites den of orc and elf sexual delinquency

Disagree

I'm going to disagree on this one - if they say when you join the guild "We like to talk about pooing on each other whilst pretending to be an elf" or some such disclaimer, then let them. Who really cares?

James Bond ditches the Aston Martin

This reminds me of a film

I can't fail to be reminded by these comments of the scene from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls with all the orgasming over "ah Be-ently" or "ah Ro-olls". Perhaps this may be obscure.

Aussie politicos in a froth over naval boob jobs

As the internet would say...

Quite literally "tits or GTFO".

Be kind to your stomach: eat chilies

Wimps

There is a sad parade of wimps in these comments - "Oh, curry makes my bunghole hurt, boo-hoo." A nice chilli laced with Scotch Bonnets and Who Dares Burns hot sauce ordered for all. Your anus-foo is weak, old man.

Artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known As Prince attacks internet

Further opportunities

I think he should branch out into patents, as well. Surely the process of "masturbating with a magazine" is a novel method? That's all I remember of Prince songs. I think it's Purple Rain it's on. The other thing I remember from the movie is that bird (Magenta?) getting her norks out. As a youth I was most impressed. Memories...

Enraged bee bursts Taiwanese woman's breast implant

Pics?

Clearly we need to investigate these fake funbags on a closer basis in order to determine their bee repelling characteristics. Men of Science demand to know.

Trojan planted on US Consulate website

Xasturbation

I would like some of the -ix fanboys to send in pictures of the case mods where you can insert your willies to give your box of wires sweet lovin. I will then send in pictures of me frottering myself with tools from my toolbox.

Do I want a hammer or a mallet to bang in this nail? Actually I'll whack it with whatever I have closer. The minutiae of their differences become irrelevant as I merrily bash away.

Porn-star cop's job not saved by First Amendment

World's Series

Much as I dislike steppping in on the side of the Yanks, I think you'll find their rounders competition is originally named after a newspaper or something. The Eurovision Song Contest can have Israeli trans-sexuals competing on the same basis. It's a sponsorship thing.

Conflict of interest

If it's wrong to have a website of your wife rubbing one out on household implements then I don't want to be right. Unless he was in the pictures I can't really see a conflict of interest, given that having pictures of your old boiler being done by random strangers isn't currently illegal in the US. Was she hideously ugly? Plus, the suspect may well have been calling the cop a 'porn whore' in general. Or do suspects normally call them "cunts" like everyone else?

Get a passport, enjoy casual sex with foreigners

Cold spoon?

Perhaps they could supply a cold spoon with the passport so that any tumescence could be quickly dealt with? Swift whack on the end would soon eliminate any urges and the nation's morality is saved.

US special forces buy electric stealth golf carts

Airborne plug socket?

Perhaps at night helicoptors with long extension leads hanging out could be flow in to charge them up.

Would not a quad bike or some such be cheaper and more practical in this situation? Being stuck in the desert for five days waiting for the full five bars would suck.