Posts by Chris Collins

Did the Vatican suppress hidden 'Galileo Cryptogram'?

which one?

We talking Zurer or Tatou? Zurer has a bit of a man face, I much prefer Amelie.

Ukraine slaps ban on all porn

Cold,dead hands

This is why I only wank to the Shopping Channel

Apple grapples with wave of filth

Useless without pics

So, only purportedly underage. Means nothing,plenty of girls out there pretending to be younger. And it's not porn without fucking. This is nudity. Personally I think if people want to stick naked pictures of themselves on the web they should go right ahead.

Bloke uses nail clippers to go roundhead

Weakling

Real men use soldering irons

An American Werewolf returns to London

Jesus Christ!

Given how "good" Werewolf in Paris was, I don't think this will work. It'll be set in Nebraska or somewhere with cookie-cutter Yank droids and with the usual lack of irony they will remove all of the humour and make it some deadly serious thing. Thus it will both suck and blow.

PC repair techs police dangerous picture law

failblog

There's a picture of a man fucking an animal on failblog, den of iniquity. I suppose it was a crime looking at it.

Disney punts hetero luuurv to wide-eyed kiddies

Speak up, love

I too feel that Disney is lacking in teh butsecks.

Prof: Global windfarm could power entire human race

@Mr ChriZ

Having played SimCity (all versions) I ca confirm that you either cover your entire free land in shitty wind farms to just about make your power requirements, or you can plop a nuclear/couple of coal power station(s) in the corner and expand. Bonus is your pollution is then spread across your neighbours. How do you like that garbage incinerator, Llamaville?

MPs slam 'disgraceful' Type 45 destroyers

@Efros

You may laugh but the Austro-HUngarian navy was forced to use that system when their main gun didn't turn up. Cue particularly odd Mid 19th century naval tactics.

Russian porn starlet brands DD jubs

50-100 per annum?

Up to two a week? God. damn. Does the company provide an inflatable ring to sit on as part of the 500k?

Mitsubishi finalises mass-market e-car production plans

Amps?

Can you drive the thing in the rain with the lights and wipers on?

Wikipedia bans Church of Scientology

Frank Black

This thread needs more 'Cult of Ray'.

Hacks and IT workers boozing themselves silly

Employer responsibility?

So now it's up to your boss to tell you how much not to drink outside of work? Nice.

Napster crossbreeds streaming, download plans

Left my cake out in the rain

so basically it's a buck a track, given you can stream music for free elsewhere. Clearly this is a BARGAIN and will end piracy for ever.

250kg Russian drops healthy 2kg sprog

Wonders of nature

It's at times like these we are reminded that humans have been successfully reproducing for millennia longer than all this "don't smoke, don't drink, don't swear, don't be fat" nonsense has existed. Lo! A child is born.

Profs: Facebook, Twitter users are lazy, thick, amoral

I blame the internet

Surely the internet in general makes you less likely to empathise, not just failbook. Thanks to the web I can now only masturbate to amputee porn. I don't need a research paper to tell me Twitter is for the mentally subnormal, though.

Russian schoolgirl invents inertioid-driven Venus rover

Good vibrations

My life is full or rhythmic vibrations. Not involving children, of course.

Vatican researcher claims Templars worshipped Turin Shroud

How much for the rug?

The turin shroud is mediaeval in origin. There were some shenannigans with the carbon dating (someone stuck their fingers on the sample beforehand) but the weave of the cloth is consistent with 12th-13th C. It's just some dead geezer who oozed onto his shround. Not the Jesus dead geezer, though. I prefer the 'Ark of the covenant being a wooden drum in a Harare museum' wheeze, myself.

Oh point of interest, Jean Chretain or whatever his name was, the head Templar honcho, was slow roasted, not burnt at the stake. Died of smoke inhalation. And it was all on Friday the 13th.

French pass 'three strikes' file-sharing law

Competency?

So if I'm not technically competent to configure a wireless connection then I can be punished for that? What if my password is easily guessed? You could fuck someone up by doing a bit of wardriving.

Nice, this all sounds fair. It's tantamount to saying you left the window open so it's your fault you got burgled.

Lloyd-Webber calls for clampdown on ISPs

Frog face

Mr L-W can rest assured I have no bootleg copies of his works on any device in my possession. Although it's good to see he has branched out into computer science recently and discovered a workable network filtration system. A veritable Adrian Veidt.

Students Union reps vote to ban cheap booze for students

Welcome, beloved leaders

I for one welcome our new puritan overlords. I suggest closing the theatres and banning Christmas followed by sticking it to the Paddies. How does he manage to be lesbian, gay and bisexual at the same time?

UK.gov to get power to force ISPs to block child porn

Good lay?

Are children that good a fuck that I'm the only person in the world, apparently, that hasn't tried to fuck them? I've never actually seen any kiddie porn and I've looked at some weird shit on the internet in the last 15 years. Clearly I'm doing it wrong as there's obviously mountains of the stuff served up by whole countries filled with filthy paedos.

Miss Universe pops into Guantánamo Bay

pics

Where are the pics of them in their fetching orange jumpsuits and hoods? Although that Mendoza looks like she lives on gruel already. Send her some food parcels.

ISS space bio-experiment freezer to return on Discovery

@Loyd

Space has no molecules, so in order to transfer heat you can only use radiation. To make something cold you need to remove energy from it to somewhere else. So a hot thing in space, e.g. the Sun, doe not instantly freeze. Lrn2science.

Doc-in-chief targets 'passive drinking' with price hike

Neo-puritans

The temperance movement rides again. My issue with these people (he's just one of these advocates) is if they want to limit drinking problems and they clearly have spare cash then why don't they just donate their money to alcohol charities? Clearly they're willing to pay more.

UK censors revolt against 'pornalone' ordeal

Sweet temptation

Would there not be sticky seats at the BBFC if solitary viewing was encouraged? Surely the reason behind doubling up in the first place.

Aussie internet-net will be drawn wider

China

As per the situation in China, instead of finding release cracking one off at home cheapskates will just have to resort to rape to fulfill their fantasies. Hurrah.

Pirate Bay prosecutor tosses infringement charges overboard

Making available

Difficult to prove them actually making these available, what with them not posting themselves. Making available the facility to make available, maybe.

Link-spamming spreads to NHS, police

Evolution?

Pregnant asian sex? A sub-genre crossover? The Fire brigade are at the vomiting edge of porn.

Tories choose sub-prime beard for maths post

Ocean finance

I am more of an Ocean Finance man, where you can obtain a yacht and a better looking bird than Vorderman by dialing their quick and easy number.

Absolutely Fabulous ups sticks to LA

@Fuzzy Wotsit

No, you are now reaching the slippers and pipe era of your life. As your trousers slowly migrate up to your armpits you will find that it is never as good as it was when you were a lad. Little and Large are as funny as it gets.

Extreme porn law goes live - are you ready?

Mr Hands

What about the Mr Hands video? I can't say I was sexually gratified by it but I did watch it out of morbid curiosity

Govt uses Obscenity Law to stuff up cartoon sex loophole

take a step back

How about we draw the line and go back to defining child porn as pictures or movies of people fucking children under the age of 13. If it's not that then it isn't child porn. The end.

Robotic exoskeleton gets gardening job

sprouts

I think you'll find sprouts grow above ground.

Take a hammer to your hard drive, shrieks Which?

Power tools

I understood that poking holes in it with a drill was a more satisfactory solution

Perv Oz burglar pumps and dumps Jungle Jane

Quick rinse?

Surely a quick spritz with Flash cleaner means these can be resold to recoup losses? No-one need know of their sordid history. Sluts.

Jacqui Smith denies any knowledge of police search

Godwin

Dammit, pipped to the post by AC 14:50. It is like living in Nazi fucking Germany. Without the fun of spanking.

Tragic Twitterers tweet goodbye to family life

Pedantry

Licence. Licence fee. Licensed. Licensing.

Gary Glitter expelled from GCSE paper

Pop music

I got my interest in paedophilic incest from Jerry Lee Lewis.

MPs: Fight grog-fuelled crimewave with PDAs

Neo-Puritanism

We are deep in the grips of the shiny-eyed acolytes and things will get worse before they get better. I do look forward to Gordon's head on a pole and a lot of French flouncing about but bizarrely enough I am for more legislation. Until the onerous burden becomes too much to bear we'll just suck it up. Close the pubs, ban alcohol, curfews all round. If this is needed to bring on the revolution I'm all for it. Kick all of these miserable cunts out of office.

Morning voting in America

Just go later?

Screw getting up early to go to the polls, why not just let them open later, like here? Surely you want the people with jobs to vote, rather than just the doley scum?

Police collar kid for Wi-Fi pinching

Channels

Ah, so the spotty internet connection is nothing to do with four people on channel six and the other three on channel 11? Teh Haxx0Rz

BAE's bandwidth blimp-bot takes off (indoors)

Re Airship

Dirigible.

Cisco ships Mexican drug runner music on VPN CD

Cancer that's killing C

Could have been worse, could have been Girls Aloud. *barumph-tish*

'Podestrian' risk rising for drivers, warns insurer

Walkmans?

I may be showing my age, but was this not an issue in the 80s with the then ubiquitous Sony Walkman? How's this a new phenomenon?

Germans give peeking Google one in the eye

Mind that child

I find it amusing that a lot of people think that someone would actually fancy their pig-ugly spawn, going so far as to track them down on Google. There's two schools within walking distance of my house. I could kidnap an attractive one if needed.

Oz pub slammed over 'No Undie Sundie'

Killjoys

"The ad is bordering on being pornographic."

"It's almost an invitation to sexual assault"

So it's neither pornographic nor is it an invitation to sexual assault. Britney's minge is not pornographic as there are not sexual connotations. Plus, presuming the knickerless are capable of not exposing theirs, as do the women who have gone commando, then there isn't really a problem. Poor taste, maybe. Bannination, no

Oz woman sold mobe with preloaded smut

Phone as tool

"The 'shocked and disgusted' customer splendidly thundered: 'It's sickening to think I've been using this phone near my face when it was used to take all of these photos.'"

Does she live in some kind of distorted Amazonian would where instead of souls cameras steal love juice from the genitals of the target? Unless it stuck to her ear. Someone should warn her that the next hand she shakes may have been used as a wanking spanner.

Artemis Fowl scribe to pen sixth Hitchhiker's novel

Hmm

Considering Mr Adams didn't want to write fourth book, let alone a fifth, I fail to see how Mr Coilfer can justify his enthusiasm. How is he going to recreate the universe to repopulate it with our favourite characters without Arthur waking up to find Patrick Duffy in the shower? Let's milk these suckers for money whilst I crimp one off into Douglas's coffin.

Russell Crowe to play Bill Hicks?

I'm Bill Fucking Hicks

I'm going to squeegee your third eye with my fists